Passive suicidal ideation va

This is a letter I wanted to send myself around half a year ago but didn't maybe because of what a bad place I was in (and still am), maybe I just needed to get some of the things out of my system. Today I found it and it reignited some things in me, and I wrote some more words about what is currently happening to me. I changed the names and some other things to remain anonymous. It's long and all over the place and I don't expect anyone to read it all honestly.
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal ideation, Suicide, Depression, Recklessness, Rejection
As before, I wonder what's going on in your life right now, because, honestly, I don't even feel like writing this letter at this point. Things are really bad, and today I have a good enough day to write something up but I don't feel well at all, and it doesn't seem like things will get better, if ever. Part of me knows that things always change and there's a chance that they will change for the better, but from my experience it doesn't usually work out, I seem to be switching from one issue to another, be it writing a thesis, finding a job, or my current state. I really can't seem to catch a break and for once be at least somewhat happy and satisfied with where I'm at in life.
I'm gonna tell a little bit about my situation and refer to some of the things you said in your email. Most of it will be about my "relationship" with Amy, and how much it affected me mentally.
I moved in with Amy and things are bad in ways I can't even describe. First thing is that over the beginning of the last year I fell in love with her and really, badly wanted to matter anything to her and be important to her, and for her to show that somehow for me. We went together on a trip to mountains and generally spend more time together than ever before. I really felt the chemistry between us, i thought we got a long really well. We talked at the fireplace party and she said she's too fucked up to date me, and that she would never do this to me. Since I moved in with her as a flatmate there were some things that bugged me about the way she is, like careless about a lot of things (mainly her safety and well being), horribly under eating in the name of some fucked up "diet", not listening to my guidance about most things, like not taking breaks at the gym, and other minor things that really bugged me and kinda felt conflicting because she doesn't seems childish, in fact quite the opposite, but some of those behaviours certainly felt like that at the time. But generally things were good, at least most of the time, we spent time together, went to gym, watched shows, threw a few parties etc.
As the time went on, things got worse, and I don't even remember every bad situation that happened over the last 5 months. Some early days she cried a lot, but it's this kind of stiff hopeless cry that really gets me. She doesn't feel emotional, she feels empty, her eyes are really scary sometimes... One day she got really drunk, I think it was an anniversary of her best friends passing, I was really anxious, because she didn't seem like she was controlling herself at all, and I don't know, seeing people just empty, hopeless, out of control, careless and drowning themselves in alcohol ALONE just affects me in a really bad way mentally. When we drove the next day to get her a bookstand (which she was really obsessed with getting this exact day) she was acting really manic and on the edge, I was so nervous that I shook her one time when she said something especially deranged (idea of driving with the complete bookshelf in the public commute), I don't know the last time I felt so much out of control of the situation and shaken, even though the whole situation is seemingly so fucking innocent. One day she threw away a line about how it's so stupid that suicide is a sin. We complain a lot about our lives and make dark humor jokes in our group, and yeah, there is always something real beneath them, I sometimes do have dark thoughts, and I feel like I have a lot of issues as well, but this is all heavy stuff that I wouldn't talk about freely and lightheartedly. I didn't thought then how serious she was, well I kinda did, because I asked her the next day about this, and she laughed saying "Are you serious right now? xD" And she said "Yes, of course I was serious". Before that she talked how she was so tired she was barely able to drive and see other cars, which worried me so much that I can't even describe it, and she didn't say it in a worried tone, just like she wanted to brag or something, I don't know why (she does that A LOT). And I don't know, but it was REALLY traumatic for me to hear her say those things like this, I couldn't sleep for days after this, I was in an especially bad place then. She said she first was going to do it when she was a teen, then once her mother dies, and right now since she knows it's a sin and she wants to see her family and friends she has to live to 50, thats how long she expects to live without killing herself. I said that she still has people here, do we not matter to her at all?, and she said that in the afterlife she has more of them. I said that doesn't she care anything about her health?, because she do goes to doctors and stuff, and she said she only does so because of her mother, she never went to a doctor because she wanted to. She said that she doesn't understand how atheists don't kill themselves immediately. She said it all without blinking an eye about how fucked up what she's saying is, it wasn't like confessing, more like explaining basic facts, and that's the thing that I think fucked me up the most, because if I were to say those things I would be shaking and having difficulties with every word, not throwing this stuff this carelessly.
I am writing wild scenarios in my head about how fucked up things she did in her past, in the parties etc. and they make me really anxious and depressed that she's like this and not much more innocent as I usually pictured her (and still sometimes do, because she's not acting toxic or deranged 100% of the time, she actually shows a lot of care for certain things, she loves every kid and animal etc., she never even smoked a cigarette), because she never seemed so much like a typical club party girl that gets into trouble a lot, well I knew she partied and drunk a lot, but she always seemed kinda different from that. Most of the time she's not like that, she can behave with a lot of compassion most certain situations. She talks about all the speeding tickets she got (and got out of by sweet talking the policemen), she texts all the time while driving, she admits to driving recklessly when alone, she lies to her mother all the time about how well mentally she is, how much she's drinking, like she were silently going on all fours between bedroom and bathroom bc she was so drunk, sometimes she even lies about having passengers when driving to the city we live in because she's so unwell she drives alone and makes stops along the way to make it, she lies about how long it took for her to drive. Sometimes I feel like everything is fake because of some of these things, like I am loosing the touch with reality.
One time we drove back to our hometown, and like halfway through she started to get really sleepy, I could see by the corner of my eye that her head was going down for a fraction of a second. I wanted to switch to drive, but she was having none of it, saying that she already planned to drive home herself and if she planned it then it will happen. I started to get really anxious and frantically started to think of the ways to do something, I stupidly suggested that I will drive my car after her once we get to my home, and she said "You really ARE fucked up xD", because she would still be inside her car and how that would help? And I know it wouldn't, but I panically tried to find something, that's just something that I came up with on the spot. I just told her to text me immediately when she gets home (and she did), but the whole situation was just so fucking stressful for me, I even then told my mother about what's happening but without darker details.
She seems to have a problem wich alcohol, although certain situations can prevent her from drinking extensively, like seeing the kids in school the next day. It's kind of scary how much she can drink and then be sober the next day.
One time she was on her period (they get really bad for her) and she wanted to drink some alcohol because of the weekend, but she was on her first week of antidepressants and all those things caused me not to go to my friends and stay with her to look after, she became really tired after a while, she was barely staying on her feet, when she went to take a shower before bed I asked her to not lock the door and she didn't. I went to clean the dishes, and I think I heard something but I didn't pay attention or anything, but later she was in bed and clearly trying to hide from me that she collapsed under the shower. She was okay, but the fact that she didn't want to admit it to me made me really anxious and depressed. She was so out of energy that I had to hold her the water bottle to drink from. I felt so bad, I don't think I could sleep that night.
She doesn't let me drive because once I drove with her when being really nervous and weren't like the best at it, it kinda angers me because it's double standard as fuck, not letting me drive when I'm nervous, but driving when you're almost sleeping. And I don't consider myself a bad driver, apart from once loosing control when going to friends wedding I have never have an accident. She also gets really mad if I'm going to drive after drinking single beer and waiting like 4 hours after it, and that's NOTHING compared to the things she does.
Sometimes I'm hesitant to tell her some of the things I think, partly because it't pointless, and partly because her response would just make me more triggered, angry, anxious and depressed.
Sometimes I don't know what to do, telling anyone about those things (like her mother) seems like breaking her trust, and those are personal things that I really shouldn't tell my friends about, hence I tell them to my therapist.
What's scary and fucked up is that depression is not only hopelessness, sadness and lack of energy, but for some people also being mad about everything, saying really hurtful things to people that love you, hating on and judging literally everyone, becoming really sickly, strongly obsessed about something, behaving carelessly and recklessly. And every attempt at trying to address those things is responded with some hateful, poisonous comments or "I'm just like that", one time I said to her that she should care less about something, and she responded with a lot of hate that I should just stop "shaking my hands when I'm nervous, can I do that? can I?" I feel so fucking bad sometimes, because part of me wants to scream into her face about the things she does, and at the same time:
I know that it's an illness, and I don't know if that would be bad of me to be angry at her about anything
I'm worried about things she would say to me back, she sometimes seems to revel in hurting people emotionally or at least being really good at it and constantly looking for topics when arguing with someone, and I'm really fragile, sensitive and easy to hurt, for some reason especially to things she says to me
I don't feel like I can have any influence on her actions, although she does comment a lot of the time that other people do, like Monika, Magda, Paweł etc. so sometimes I feel like it contradicts itself, although she does say that she needs to be controlled in some way to do what it said, like being yelled at or being put in the position with no choice, and I don't want to be like that and I don't think I have the strength of character to be like that, and never will
She sends a lot of memes about depression to our group chat, and I personally don't think they're helpful, at least for me, I'm not feeling like someone is going through the same thing as me and it helps, it's more like everyone is trying to drag each other down, some of those memes are as hopeless as you can get, making fun of therapy and psychiatrists, never having any happiness (dementors can't do anything to you), missing yourself and thinking its too late now to regain it, generally memes about not being a human anymore and never being again etc., being put into a mental hospital if you tell your therapist everything, about hating and despising other people. There's this friend that she says is way worse than her, and that he doesn't even want help unlike her, that he's so used to it he almost likes it, I honestly don't know if that doesn't also affect her. One time we drove to our hometown, 5 of us with him and a few others, and they were talking about suicide, and some other friend said this cliche line about suicide being the most egotistical thing a person can do, and even though he was quiet the whole ride he just said "Yeah, right" from the back. I don't know, I guess it depends on the person, but for me surrounding myself with this topics would make me feel worse and not understood. She also has a lot of kids in school with mental issues, she has a kid who is supposed to be after a suicide attempt (that's also one of the things that froze my heart, when she said that she knows he and his parents are bullshitting because he would be put to the hospital for 3 months, but how would she know that?), or generally kids that are on SSRIs and that one time kid told her justifying himself that he took the double dose of antidepressants and she was holding herself not to say "me too!". They had a movie night and they played UNO, and she said that out the 3 kids she played with, all of them were in a psychiatric hospital.
One time at a party in front of everyone she said she thought about jumping out of a window, but being crippled her mom would have to deal with that so she wouldn't do it like that. Other time she said she changes the mind when she loses the energy, she would try to hang herself but would become tired and not do it. Once also we talked about unrelated topic, and I said as a trivia that dead bodies can produce sounds like exhaling, and she said she knows that because she know a lot about dead bodies, and she reads a lot about that... Once she said that she doesn't understand that atheists don't immediately kill themselves when someone close to them dies. Once she said something about there not being anything left of her inside. Once she said that her mother was worried she would be locked up in a psychiatric hospital, but she had to assure her that she knows how to mask everything, and she's not dangerous to others so that wouldn't happen.
Am I too innocent for these topics? Sometimes I feel like a kid listening to adults, and that I don't know and don't understand them and I feel small and worthless.
I think there are a lot of different ways to direct that recklessness and negativity through things like exercise, media escapism, music etc. and not things like hard partying, drugs/alcohol, reckless driving, acting angry etc.
I think that deeply believing that chemical imbalance is the cause of depression is very hurtful, because it's not completely proven and might turn some people off from forms of treatment that could potentially help them.
Escapism is a big thing for me, and I think that it helped me cope with a lot of things. Books, movies, music, I spend a lot of time looking for new music and artists.
I'm becoming very nosy and kinda controlling around her (well not actually controlling cause that's impossible with her, but just very nosy), I want to eardrop her conversations with her mother, to always know what she is doing, to know how well she is all the time.
There's no appreciation for me being around, even more so, saying that you don't matter that much, and what do even have or experienced together to be close. And that she can't really be close to people that don't immediately say what they're thinking (like me, she said, even though when i asked if she thinks I'm a fake friend she said no but I'm not honest), but part of me feels that it's bullshit, everyone hides something and only lets a part of themselves out, although it's true that sometimes I act more quietly and like I'm obviously hiding something. I feel inadequate and really bad because of that because the things I experienced in the last months were big for ME, and definitely changed me, but I guess they were nothing to her.
Sometimes she talks about how it's weird to her that normal people have dreams about having homes, vacations etc. One time she said how when she was little she said she never would be boring and bitter like adults, and then depression hit her. Recently she said she finally has a dream, to be able to rent a studio apartment to finally live alone. It kinda affected me, because I DO live with her (apart from others), and that would mean that she wants to get out from me too. One time she said that she hopes someone lively and fun will move in with us once our current flatmate get out, and that would mean that she is bored with me and my character, and she much preferred the previous one.
With the whole moving out thing, she sometimes talks about things getting better, like closer to spring she will renew the gym subscription, we will decorate the balcony for parties and hanging out (of course she said something about sleeping drunk in there...), and generally some things like that. It does make me wonder, do those lower points happen especially in autumn/winter ? I mean, I know there's even a disorder for that but I can't imagine there being such a huge difference.
When she started school, she became really overwhelmed with the amount of exercises she had to do before lessons. Most teachers don't have everything done beforehand but she said she absolutely needs to, and because of that she spent most of the time just doing them or resting, she was so obsessed with doing them she wanted drop out of our mountain vacation trip because she would be too much behind, and she got angry at me for saying that she needs a rest and that my talking doesn't help anything.
Over a month after the school she started the meds, and it doesn't feel like they helped her, at the beginning they only made her really sleepy and out of energy. In some ways i think that they made her worse, or maybe she just didn't have the energy to hide some things. I remember her reading the drug leaflet and noticing loudly that it may strengthen suicidal thoughts, i then read it myself because I was worried. It's honestly a bad thing that she had to check with the psychiatrist only after 2 months and not sooner because it wasn't helping her. On the second visit the doctor was surprised that it didn't help her (which I think might be a bad thing from her since it reinforces the thought that nothing will help her), and decided to up the dose for next 3 weeks to rule out the drug, and mentioned another stronger drug that she will prescribe her, and Amy asked her is it's a drug that is used in a psychiatric hospitals because she wanted to know, and apparently yes. I'm kinda scared what might be happening when she starts it, because the upped dose of current one doesn't seem to change anything. One time she asked me if I think they could lock her up if she caused an accident while driving while on this drug (if its not allowed to drive on it, because she admitted she would anyway), which again messed with my head a lot. The doctor also said that she might be more immune to various drugs than most people, and she said that it's probably true because a lot of the drugs she takes are quite strong, and she takes A LOT of them, hormones for acne and her very strong and long periods, inhaled steroids for asthma, antidepressants, drugs for sleep. Sometimes she ignores signs of some of her illnesses, like anemia. She sometimes offers people prescription drugs like antidepressants or antibiotics, which makes me really angry because those shouldn't be given around like candies, but like I said earlier I never told her it makes me angry. She also said that she only counts on the meds to work, if they won't, she would off herself
I joked a few times that we could get a cat here, I know that it's no cure but animals can certainly be a help for people who are going through rough times. She really took the subject seriously some day and convinced everyone, including our tenant and flatmates, that we should get a cat. She really wanted to have this one specific cat about 2h hour drive from us, so we drove there, but the cat got away from our car, and we couldn't find it. Few hours later when we got home she was convinced that we killed that cat and started asking everyone if they want anyone dead, because she can arrange that, because everyone around her dies, and she didn't want any cat at all anymore. But we eventually took Luna, and the missing cat was found later. After a few weeks with the cat, our flatmates started complaining about about the cat being in the apartment and not only our rooms (WTF?) and about its litter box and food. Amy was already really annoyed by them, especially this guy who is a little dumb, talkative and annoying, but this whole situation took it too whole another level. She almost couldn't control herself with how much they got on her nerves, merely hearing them walk on the corridor would make her furious. One night in the middle of the week she started going to the kitchen to get drunk to be able to sleep because of them. I obviously couldn't ignore that so I went with her to just be there. She changed topics every few seconds, talked about something that its a good thing our knifes are not sharp, she was generally acting very ill, which usually makes me extremely anxious and quiet. I feel like she was noticing that and she said "why aren't you talking with me ? X and Y always had gossips with me in the kitchen...". Then she went to sleep, texted me a lot about 100 different topics, and then went back to drink some more, then when she went to sleep she texted me something that made me feel like my brain is being fried. She send me a receipt of her drug and it said that overdosing it might cause heart problems and even death, and she added "if I found out that suicide is not a sin, or something changes, I already know the way <3". I didn't know what to do with myself for a good few minutes. My mind was racing and frying, my heart was frozen, and it took me a good while to calm down. Eventually I just took our cat and took it to her to sleep with, but didn't bring the subject, I just couldn't, I was too weak.
Next day she started being obsessed with moving out of here, far away from them, she started looking for available apartments and firstly I wanted to move with her, but the more I thought about this, the more I thought I just couldn't handle all of these things mentally. She was pushing me to define my stand on this, and just said "fuck it" angry at me for not being decisive," I'm gonna move with another guy I know", but I don't think that worked out since she eventually started looking for studio apartments for herself. Eventually I went to her and said that I think I want to live alone, that i feel kinda unstable mentally myself, and I wanted to let her know that I'm not wanting to let her go, but she was just like coldly "I'll be fine" without much emotion behind that. I then started to pour out my things about her (at first she said she didn't have the energy for that, but asked her to listen), how sometimes I felt like she has something negative about me that she doesn't tell me, that's she's colder to me than usually, she said that she's like that to everyone now, and I said that I felt like it was more personal, and she denied. I asked her if she thinks that I'm fake and she said "not fake, but you're not telling what you're thinking" and that she couldn't be close with people like that (or something along those lines). She said that I should have told her all of that right then. She always prides herself for always saying exactly what she means and being painfully straightforward. I also tried to confront her about being negative about my therapy, because I said to her I went to therapy, and she said "and you think it will help you ?" kinda ironically, and i was really hurt by that, she doesn't really believe in therapy and said that judging by colleges in our country her mother is a better therapist than most Ts here. She said then that she meant if I THINK its going to help me, not mocking, and when I said that I don't respond to "how was it?" is because I was worried she would mock me, she replied with "whatever , if you say so". I also said that I'm secretive because telling the truth would make other people hurt me, and she said "well of course".
To this day I don't know if I hurt her with that conversation, I'm not even sure if she understood that I'm very bad mentally right now mainly because of her. I felt really guilty about abandoning her, and talked about it extensively on a therapy session. I know that to save anyone you have to save yourself first, but I would be just proving that she's fucked up and everyone will eventually abandon her. On the other hand, I don't know if she cares AT ALL about me leaving her, maybe I really do am just a flatmate and not much else anymore.
Her mood massively affects mine, I could have the best day of my life and one sentence from her could easily ruin that. Sometimes I get anxious when I hear her walking on the corridor or when she gets back from school because I have no idea what mood she might come home with.
Most fucked up thing is that despite all of this is sometimes I'm still attracted to her. All it takes is one smile, one good day and I'm still rethinking if I would ever want to be with her. And there are also very good reasons for that, she can be very caring, lovable, funny and clever. I also fantasize about her sexually to some small extent. And the thing is that I never before found her very attractive and wasn't interested in her.
How does her mother fit in this ? I don't know but she lost her father as a child, she was taking her to therapists and psychiatrists since she was a child . Sometimes I feel like she can make her worse by saying certain things, like when missing cat was found and saying that it was bad and scary and that we could be taking this one right now. She might have been very overprotective (or might have good reasons to) but Amy was being rebellious and reckless anyway, which might have caused how many lies she tells to her.
When it comes to me, I've never been in such a bad state mentally, today is not the worst but the general period is without a doubt the worst time of my life. Even before all of this I was SURE I needed some help with my mental health, but everything that was happening, her darkness sipping into me, triggering me, listening and talking about suicide all the time for literal months can't be good for anyone although I think I try to show her it doesn't affect me that much, me internally reacting very very badly to her strange and sometimes deranged and reckless behaviours, feeling on the edge a lot of the time due to her, not being able to think about anything else, all that made me finally take the step and make an appointment with a therapist. I noticed in myself symptoms of depression, social anxiety and ADHD, I'm still not sure if I would be diagnosed with anything but I do know that something is wrong with me, especially since others don't seem to be so deeply affected by her despite being close to her for longer than me. There were days where I couldn't sleep, in which I had a strong feelings of hopelessness, depressing feelings about her, myself, my life and the whole world, I researched a lot about depression, and some places are really bad to get into because there is no hope in there, people just drag each other down and write that nothing ever worked for them etc. I even thought about reading up about some therapeutic techniques I could use on her, but now I notice how stupid that sounds.
I sometimes think if she realizes how difficult it is to listen to some of the things she says and does. And I'm not talking about her being difficult and with a quick temper, but just genuinely pouring this darkness on those close to her.
In terms of therapy, I'm still not sure if it can help me with anything. I'm not discounting the people that it did help, but I'm just not sure about me. I know that it probably takes time, I do genuinely feel better when someone listens to all of that (even if I feel like a fraud sometimes because there are surely others that come to her with heavier stuff) even if it lasts only some time after the session. I'm not even sure what would therapy do to me, like what exactly could it possibly change about me, will I care less, will I just cope better, will I change my personality, or will it just be something that I can tell myself that I'm doing without actually helping me
That's a weird one, I'm kind of angry at her for being the best or at least very good at a lot of things, that (when she wants to of course) she can befriend literally everyone and people adore her (like the kids in school, parents congratulating and being shocked how great the kids are doing at school), she had a lot of boyfriends and always seem to have some guys trying to get to her. She's shockingly charismatic, talkative and social when she wants or needs to be. I'm always complaining about not having friends and then she scoffs at me for that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't interact with 10% amount of people she does even though she ALWAYS ALWAYS talks how antisocial and what a b she is (meaning she's mean to everyone), she knows a shit ton of people, shocking number actually, especially when you think about her mental state
I really try to be a good friend, but that seems to not be enough. I try to help her with everything, doing the shopping, being with her and talking, asking how she feels, figuring out ways to maybe not help but at least show the support.
Right now we're still gonna live together and I'm gonna move in to the bigger room, and I plan to be in our hometown working remotely more to be better mentally, but I'm still unsure how all that is gonna work out...
Sometimes I feel like I'm fluctuating with how much this really affects me, It feels random, some moments I think all of it affects me less and am able to just go somewhere else with my thoughts, but not always.
==== 6 months later====
Some time has passed since I wrote those last paragraphs, actually it's already 6 months, and in some ways things are better, but in some they are much worse. She got better, not all the way she was before, she still hates being with people and is very mean, sarcastic and emotionally careless (she recently found out she'll probably won't be able to have kids and it didn't faze her at all), throws a joke or two about suicide but it doesn't seem so serious now, she got off meds as far as I know (because I don't know much anymore, but I'll get to that), she found a psychiatrist that first wants to make all kind of tests before prescribing her any drugs, she actually talks about plans for the future, is able to cook for herself, is more social, she's even going to a wedding with a friend she almost hooked up with a month ago (that's also a big thing that for me I want to write about later).
As for me, I'm much worse in a few ways. These things she said and did affected me very deeply back then and I wanted a way to cope with that, and I started to call my old friend Jane and tell her some of the situations that were happening here. I felt bad about it but I just couldn't help myself, I had to tell someone. That was before I got my therapist, and I'm mainly talking about everything with her now, but I was so caught up and messed up with everything, that even after starting the therapy I also talked about some of the things with my ex who is still my good friend, I mentioned she has depression and takes meds to one of my colleagues (without any details), and I mentioned that she has some problems and thinks about moving out to another friend, one day I also told everything to my parents (without the most disturbing details) because I was on a verge of a mental breakdown and just couldn't bring myself to come back here. I also once told our new roommate that Amy is very weird and obsessed about some things like loudly closing doors etc. without telling much else though. That's a lot of people and honestly I don't trust myself that I didn't say anything else to anyone although I doubt it as I don't have much friends or interact with people a lot. Not that it excuses me, but she wasn't really too secretive about it and seemed very open to talking about being depressed and hating life etc. I certainly broke her trust and I feel like shit for it, nothing really excuses me and I can't change what I did, which is slowly killing me inside.
She confronted me about it when I came back from my parent house after telling them everything and finally got the courage to text her about the way she treats me, about what I did wrong, if she thinks that I'm hiding something from her or that I'm insincere about everything I do. Because she's very different to me than she was before and it honestly kills me inside. She told me she regurarly catches me lying about irrelevant small things and she has no idea why but recently she doesn't even trust herself, let alone someone else. I don't think I ever deliberately lied to her but I might have unknowningly responded with wrong information so she doesn't get mad ex. who didn't do the dishes or something. The worse thing is that she said that she heard things, certain minor details about herself from people that should know absolutely nothing about her, and she doesn't want anyone to know anything about her. Of course she didn't specify what details (and if they were even something private, but I can only assume yes by her reaction) and what people (to not break their trust) and I've been thinking about it ever since. She said that I was never her friend, I never knew anything about her and she doesn't really consider anyone her friend since O died from cancer. And that you can't just take anyone from the street and befriend them, and that we can just normally live our lives separately and not get too involved with each other, which really, really fucking hurt me to hear from person that I cared so deeply for, that I tried so hard to show that she matters to me, and to which I gave up so much of my own mental wellbeing to the point of feeling mentally ill myself (at least much more than usual).
I of course haven't told a word anyone since that conversation, and not because I was scared someone might tell her again, but I realize what a huge mistake that was and I honestly hate myself more than ever for breaking her trust and being such a piece of shit and not being able to change what happened or even to make up for it.
Our relationship gets kinda better at times, she talks to me normally sometimes mainly about our cat, although never for too long and practically never initiates a conversation, she barely texts with me, ignores me a lot, she doesn't really talk to me about what is happening with her life and work etc. I mostly find out anything from her conversations with others when I'm present, she is a lot more social with her friends recently and when she sends some screenshoted memes on a group chat there's always someone she's texting with, she's online a lot despite not writing me back, she goes out drinking with her friends every few weeks and I'm never a part of it anymore, I never drive with her back to our town on weekends anymore, and all of that while she live behind a wall, and this actually real rejection is quite honestly making me feel actually suicidal at times, and it gets worse with time to the point that I'm worried I might do something to myself, maybe not now or soon, but in the future, and I even sometimes write vague scenarios in my head about it. Apart from still going to therapy (which still doesn't seem to help me) I signed myself up to a psychiatrist despite my therapist saying that she doesn't see anything clinical in me, with the main issue being an ADHD diagnosis, as that's what I thought most accurately explains my struggles (especially RSD), and I did get diagnosed but I feel like I might have bended the reality a little and not actually have it, I am on my 2 days of meds (upped the dose today) and don't really feel much apart from a very light headache and dry mouth, so I guess that won't fix me after all.
When we were on a mountain trip a month ago I was feeling very bad, because while I was still a part of it and went with everyone, she treated everyone completely different to me, she was laughing, joking with them, being nice and talking to and being interested in them, and the others are not really my close friends so I was feeling a bit alone and isolated. The last night of the trip she and one of the guys (the one with which she's going to the wedding) went for a walk in the middle of nowhere together completely drunk, pissing everyone off for being irresponsible. But while everyone was scared and angry, I was depressed and I guess suicidal, I still have feelings for her despite everything, and seeing that she can go out into the night kissing some guy and after everything can't even hold a conversation with me or tell me anything nice was honestly doing very bad things to my head. And I remembered when a year ago she said she can't be with me, she's too fucked up and couldn't do that to me, but she knows this guy for almost 2 years now and considers him a colleague too so how's that different? I don't even smoke but I smoked like a whole pack of cigarettes that night...
When we came back from the trip I was in a very bad place mentally and said that I wanted to talk, I told her that I can't do this anymore and that I can't control the envy that I feel and that I'll probably have to move out even though I don't want that, and I don't want to leave her alone with our cat, she gave me an impression that she wants me to try, she mentioned my ex that's still my friend and that I got over her, and I told her it took me literal years to get over her, and she said that "so it's possible", we talked some more, maybe the most we talked in weeks if not months about various things, and I felt that things were going to get better, But they didn't. A few weeks passed and I feel just as rejected as before.
I can't disinvest emotionally from her, I can't stop thinking about what she thinks of me, if I'm fake and dishonest and always hide my true motives, and I don't think there is a point in confronting her again and apologizing and hoping for forgiveness, I feel like current state of my life will never change and even if we stop seeing and living with each other anymore, it will still take me years (if ever) to get over everything that happened in the last year because I'm not really better mentally when I'm home with my parents, I still think about it all the time. I don't want to leave this place, and I don't want to leave her with a cat she'll have to take care on her own, I don't know what to do anymore.

We have been married now for more than half our lives. We have 3 kids together and have been through a lot in our relationship (death of a child, military service away from our home state, etc). He has always been the provider and I have been the stay at home, homeschooling mom. Throughout it, we have had ups and downs obviously. Years ago, he came to the conclusion he "used to be" a narcissist. He cheated numerous times through the first half of our marriage, was very self centered and very controlling. Then he "woke up". Since then, I feel he's still controlling in as far as if myself or our kids don't agree with him, he will get angry. Anger runs his life most of the time. He has distanced me from my family by pointing out all of their faults, saying I'm being played by them, showing aggravation if I speak to them, yet saying "I'm a grown ass woman who can do what I want." I can forgive and forget, he can't. Not my family or his. He super protective and has been ever since he "woke up". Always worried about other people (especially other men) whether online or offline, doing/saying something wrong to me. Yet, when he's in a good mood, things are good. He can be super sweet and has always been there for me when my family hasn't. Albeit, he doesn't really have a good relationship with our kids since they started reaching puberty awhile ago. I think it's because if they buck anything he says is true, he can fly off of the handle. So, they don't really conversate with him much anymore. They are all teenagers for context.
Recently, things have been more rocky than usual. The mood in the house has always ebbed & flowed with his moods. The kids have always been more open with me than with him. I admitted to him recently (not for the first time) that we all walk on eggshells hoping not to upset him. That his angry responses are too extreme and I feel uncalled for. That I will or won't say/do things because of the response he gives when things don't go his way. I feel like that is my biggest fault, I'm a people pleaser and he's always been the one I try to please the most. I've tried time and time again to have open, honest, adult conversations with him but they always turn to yelling and mudslinging from him. This obviously upset him. He was quiet for a few days...then acted like everything was fine. I couldn't put on a face and he could tell I was still upset. So, he got quiet again. He then brought up the whole ordeal (which never happens btw...it's always me who has to bring it up). He now says he's been depressed for years and he's the bad guy and he wishes he could just disappear. (Not suicidal...just thinks it would be better for everyone else if he wasn't around. Yet, he doesn't want to leave or be alone.) This isn't the first time he's said these things (other than the depression part)...yet things will change for a while and then I feel they go right back. I've mentioned therapy for him before (he is a veteran and he says he suffers from PTSD), he'll agree and then it just becomes a lot of excuses. I suggest exercise to try to up his mood, he says he's in perpetual pain (he has back issues from his military time) and is scared to make his back go out again. When asked why he hasn't really spoken to anyone in the house other than a few words in a long time, expect for when it's some serious world problem he wants to talk about, he says he feels like he walks on eggshells as to not piss anyone off. He doesn't have any interests outside of research and sex. Which is another sore point between us because if I don't respond to his advances the way he wants then I get passive aggressive responses and the silent treatment. Another thing I recently pointed out to him. Our son recently got me my first Mother's Day gift from him specifically...yet he told me he has no clue what his dad would like for Father's Day because he doesn't really have any interests and he doesn't know much about him. I mentioned that to my husband and he says he doesn't like getting gifts or birthdays or anything where he's being celebrated. To me, it's almost like he feels he doesn't deserve it. He also never shows excitement for anything anymore. Not birthdays, holidays, nothing. I don't have any friends to talk about this with...I've rarely left the house in 8 years. He has his work buddies, but he hates his job and says he doesn't have any real friends either. Yet, I think he does talk and joke around with them if he's in a good mood. I don't know how he acts with other people because I don't get to see him outside of our house. He comes home from work and doesn't have any hobbies or outside interests. Even if I did have family/friends to talk to...I don't think I would because I don't want others to think poorly of him or me. He says he doesn't keep me from having friends, but I know in the past me being away from home or talking to others can make his jealousy and overprotectiveness kick in. Now, I'm too anxious to even try to establish relationships outside our own because of fear I won't know how or I'll make a fool out of myself. Hence, why I am on Reddit asking for advice.
I understand something is wrong. Is it chronic depression or is this just a way for a narcissist to play the victim? I feel bad just questioning whether his depression is real. I couldn't imagine bringing it up to him. How can I tell? Can depression cause all of these things? I just don't know. What should my next step be? Confront him or try to help him through his depression. If it's depression...I need to be there for him and be a light in the darkness. If it's not...then I would only be adding fuel to the fire, I feel, and validating a narcissist's tactics.

What’s wrong with me. When did I become such a shell of who I was… I’m always tired, I’m always angry at myself, and I have zero motivation to ever do anything with my life.
And most importantly I always feel such an intense sadness. I’m always so sad.
What’s wrong with my brain? I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation and thoughts for 15 years now. But over the past 6 months it’s become really really bad.
The worst part about it is, I’m still “functional” so no one knows how awful I feel.

SteelBooks for Sale
Continuing my sales thread to clean/remove my SOLD items from the listing and to move it on up the SteelBook Swaps sub-Reddit. The original thread can be found HERE (PMs and replies, along with confirmed swaps preserved for archival purposes):
https://www.reddit.com/SteelbookSwap/comments/13plyjl/us_va_h_selling_my_steelbook_collection_w_paypal/
SHIPPING COSTS WILL BE ADDITIONAL, AND BASED ON YOUR CHOICE OF SHIPPING (HAVING SAID THAT, MEDIA MAIL IS THE MOST ECONOMICAL METHOD…ADDITIONALLY, IT ALLOWS ME TO BUBBLE WRAP EACH STEELBOOK INDIVIDUALLY AND SECURELY)
First off, Blufans exclusives for sale:
-Captain America: The Winter Soldier Quarter Slip: $55
-Avengers Mondo Variant: $70
-Black Panther Double Lenticular Slip Edition (BE #48): $70
-Star Wars: The Last Jedi Double Lenticular Slip Edition WEA SteelBook (Blufans Exclusive #47) (3D+2D): $70 THIS SET IS STILL SEALED.
-Avengers: Infinity War Double Lenticular: $80.
Wide Release SteelBooks (Unless specified, J-Cards are included)
Marvel Studios
-Iron Man 2 (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Captain America: Civil War (Original Release, Blu-Ray and 3D Blu-Ray, No J-Card): $25
-Thor: The Dark World (Original Release, Blu-Ray and 3D Blu-Ray, No J-Card): $25
-Thor: Ragnarok (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Thor: Love and Thunder (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Avengers (Matt Ferguson Art): $20
-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Matt Ferguson Art): $20
-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Original Release, Blu-Ray and 3D Blu-Ray, Ultron Art, No J-Card): $30
-Ant-Man (Original Release, Blu-Ray and 3D Blu-Ray, No J-Card): $25
-Dr. Strange (Original Release, Blu-Ray and 3D Blu-Ray, No J-Card): $25
-Dr. Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (BestBuy 4K): $20
-Spider-Man: Homecoming (Best Buy Pop Art): $20-Spider-Man: Homecoming (Zavvi 3D with Magnet): $20
-Black Panther (Original Release 4K): $20-Black Panther (Second Release 4K): $20
-Black Panther (Zavvi 3D, Unopened): $20
-Avengers: Infinity War (Zavvi 3D): $25-Captain Marvel (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Spider-Man: No Way Home (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Eternals (Best Buy 4K): $20
Other Marvel Films
-Spider-Man Legacy Collection (NOT 4K): $35
-Venom: $20-X-Men: Days of Future Past: $20
-X-Men: Apocalypse: $20
-Deadpool 2: $20
-Fantastic Four: $10
Star Wars
-Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No J-Card): $20
-Star Wars: The Last Jedi (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Star Wars: The Last Jedi (Zavvi 3D:): $20
-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Best Buy 4K): $20
DC Expanded Universe
-Batman Begins: PENDING
-The Dark Knight: PENDING
-The Dark Knight Rises: PENDING
-Justice League (Original Release with Jim Lee Art): $20
-Wonder Woman (Original Release): $20
-Aquaman (Original Release): $20
-Birds of Prey (Split Spine…can be repaired): $10
-Wonder Woman 1984 (Best Buy 4K and 3D): $20
-The Suicide Squad (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Batman (Best Buy 4K First Release): $20
Animated DC Universe
-Justice League: The New Frontier Commemorative Edition (Animated): $15
-Wonder Woman Commemorative Edition (Animated): $15
Disney/Pixar
-Finding Nemo (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Finding Dory (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Good Dinosaur (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Inside Out (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Incredibles 2 (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Luca (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Toy Story 3 (Best Buy 4K): $10 (small dent on front cover)
-Toy Story 4 (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Turning Red (Best Buy 4K): $20
-101 Dalmatians: $20
-Aladdin (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Big Hero 6 (Original Target Exclusive Release): $25
-Cinderella: $20-Frozen (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Nightmare Before Christmas: $20
-The Princess and The Frog (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Ralph Breaks the Internet (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Raya and the Last Dragon (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Sleeping Beauty: $20-Zootopia (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Aladdin (Live Action, Best Buy 4K): $20
-Beauty and the Beast (Live Action, Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Lion King (Live Action, Best Buy 4K): $20
-Maleficent (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Mary Poppins Returns (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Nutcracker and The Four Realms (Best Buy 4K): $20
-A Wrinkle in Time (Best Buy 4K): $20
OTHER SteelBooks
-The Kingsman Collection (Best Buy 4K): $40
-Alien: Covenant (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Hunger Games: $20
-The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: $20
-The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1: $20
-The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2: $20
-The Maze Runner: $20
-The Maze Runner: Scorch Trials: $20
-Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Mission Impossible: Fallout (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Resident Evil: Retribution: $20
-Transformers: $20
-Transformers: Rise of the Fallen: $20
-Transformers: Dark of the Moon: $20
-Transformers: Age of Extinction: $20
-Transformers: The Last Knight: $20
-Zombieland: $20
-Zombieland: Double Tap: $20
-Rise of The Planet of the Apes: $20
-Dawn of The Planet of the Apes: $20
-War of The Planet of the Apes: $20
-American Sniper (Target Exclusive): $20
-Baby Driver (Zavvi Art): $20
-Blade of the Immortal (Best Buy): $20
-Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Zavvi): $10
-Bram Stoker’s Dracula 30th Anniversary Edition (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Dark Tower (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Dredd (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Dunkirk (Best Buy): $10
-Elysium (Original Target Release): $20
-The Equalizer (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Equalizer 2 (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Friday the 13th: The Killer Cut: $20
-Ghost in The Shell (Anime) (Mondo): $20
-Ghost in The Shell (Anime) (Best Buy 4K): $20
-G.I. Joe: Retaliation: $20
-Gods of Egypt (Best Buy, Blu-Ray 3D): $20
-Godzilla vs. Kong (Best Buy 4K): $25
-Gremlins (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Hacksaw Ridge (Original Target Release): $20
-Hell or High Water: $20
-Highlander (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Huntsman: Winter’s War: $20
-The Hurt Locker (Original Best Buy Release in G1/DVD sized SteelBook): $20
-Interstellar (Original Target Release): $20
-It (Best Buy 4K, Original SteelBook Release): $20
-It (Best Buy 4K, Second Release): $20
-Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (Best Buy 4K): $20
-John Wick: $20
-John Wick Chapter 2: $20
-John Wick Chapters 1 & 2 Mini Digital Movie SteelBook (No digital copy included): $15
-John Wick Chapter 3 Mini Digital Movie SteelBook (No digital copy included): $15
-John Wick Chapter 3 (Target): $20
-Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Jurassic World: Dominion (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Kill Bill Vol. One: $20
-King Kong (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Kingsman: The Secret Service (Dave Gibbons Art): $20
-Kingsman: The Golden Circle (Dave Gibbons Art): $20
-La La Land (Original Best Buy Release): $20
-La La Land (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Lost Boys (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Magnificent Seven (Best Buy): $20
-The Matrix: Resurrections (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Midway (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Midway (Target): $20
-Mortal Kombat: Two Film Collection: $20
-The Mummy (Tom Cruise, Target Release): $20
-1917 (Best Buy 4K): $20
-No Time To Die (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Pacific Rim: Uprising (Target): $20
-Passengers (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Saban’s Power Rangers: $20
-A Quiet Place (Original Release): $20
-A Quiet Place (Best Buy 4K, Mondo Art): $20
-A Quiet Place Part II (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Rampage (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Red Dawn (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Red Sparrow (Best Buy 4K): $20
-The Revenant: $20-Saving Private Ryan (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Salt (Zavvi): $20
-Sicario (Target): $20
-Snatch (Pop Art): $10
-Snow White & The Huntsman: $20
-Spectre (Original Best Buy Release): $20
-Starship Troopers (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Star Trek Into Darkness: $20
-Sucker Punch: $20
-Terminator 2: Judgement Day (Best Buy 4K): $20
-13 Hours: $20
-Trolls (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Trolls: World Tour (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Warrior (Best Buy 4K): $20
-Whiplash (Best Buy Pop Art): $20
-Wrath of the Titans: $20
-Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets: $20
Additional Zavvi Imports
-Avengers Assemble/Avengers: Age of Ultron (Zavvi): $20
-Thor Ragnarok (Zavvi Blu-Ray 3D, dented): $10
-Big Hero 6 (Zavvi Lenticular cover): $20
-Finding Dory (Zavvi Blu-Ray 3D): $20
-The Good Dinosaur (Zavvi Blu-Ray 3D): $20
-Alice Through The Looking Glass (Zavvi Blu-Ray3D): $20
-The Lone Ranger (Zavvi Lenticular cover): $20
Metal/Iron Paks:
​
-The Equalizer: $10
-Dawn of the Planet of The Apes (Original Best Buy Release, Blu-Ray 3D): $20
-Star Trek Into Darkness: $10
-Zombieland: $10

I’m on 25mg and have been for the past 3 weeks. Still struggling with focus, brain fog, mood swings. I’ve noticed that things that would have previously caused a meltdown, I’ve been able to manage without freaking out (small things like inconveniences).
I’ve been feeling just weird, for lack of a better term. Not my usual self, feeling detached and unable to be present or let alone happy and joyful. Even though I feel “detached” I still feel emotional in the way that I’m crying uncontrollably after days of feeling a total lack of emotion.
I feel calmer, but still find myself getting agitated. I’ve also been having intrusive thoughts that haven’t bothered me as much as they used to, which is really worrying to me.
The other day, I was fighting with my partner and I got the impulse to abandon her at a gas station we were stopped at in the middle of nowhere. I actually thought about it for a moment (very unlike me, has not ever happened before) before I caught myself in horror and disgust. It’s maybe worth noting that my father did that to me and my mom once when I was very young, so idk if that has any correlation (unresolved trauma manifesting?).
If anyone has dealt with these things or has any advice, please help me out.
Edit to add: I also have suicidal ideation that was present before and still hasn’t gone away. It used to be in a “that would be convenient” kinda way but now it has become something more like “I shouldn’t be here”. :/

I am currently having an existential crisis around my "high-functioning" autism diagnosis, and since I have no one else to talk to about this I am turning to Reddit for my existential rant to see if anyone can relate or how they coped. Feel free to skip to the "Existential Crisis" portion at the bottom if you don't want to read the backstory. Although honestly either way it's pretty long.
Backstory:
So, about ten years ago I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I was nineteen at the time. Like many autistic women, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety first. I only went for an autism evaluation in the first place because I was seeing a therapist at the time who was convinced I had autism. I thought that she was wrong, so in order to prove this, I went to get evaluated. This backfired marvelously as the evaluator also determined that I was autistic.
Around the time of the diagnosis, I googled high functioning autism symptoms and saw that it explained my sensory issues with sound, my social awkwardness, my love of pacing and swinging outside, my motor tic, and walking on my toes. It possibly contributed to my depression and anxiety. But I honest to god did not think it impacted my life beyond that. Nowhere in any of those articles did they mention the actual life outcomes for people with autism. In true autistic fashion I took "high functioning" literally. I assumed it meant that people with HFA could function at a high level and have a relatively normal life. No one ever explained what my diagnosis meant and I never received treatment or support for it. I just got the report in the mail and never saw the evaluator again.
So I continue going about my day and expect that I can have a normal life. I just carry around earplugs along with an unsubstantiated belief in my masking abilities.
​
Cue that voice in Spongebob that says "Ten Years Later..."
My life is kinda garbage. I went to college right after high school, but I dropped out two years in due to becoming extremely overwhelmed and depressed, along with developing chronic migraines. I moved back home with my parents. Since then, I have only managed to work or go to school part-time. Last year, things were really looking up. My migraines had been under control for a few years. I finally graduated college and got off of disability. And I got my first full-time job. And burned out and quit within a few months. Just like everything else I have ever done. I then got another part-time job within weeks and the same thing happened. In fact, it's happening right now, I'm quitting my part-time job that I got after the full-time job because of how much it stresses me out and triggers my sensory issues.
I felt really bad about this. In addition to feeling more depressed and burned out than I have in a while, I just felt like I was a failure. Most people are more successful than me by my age. Sure I had my struggles with depression, but I had really believed that if I just worked really really hard, I could have a normal life and a full-time job and move out and have a partner and just be a successful, normal human being. All I did was try to meet that goal and all I did was fail. I tried all the depression medications, all the therapy but all it did was get me here. Every time I try to work for any prolonged period of time, I eventually become so overwhelmed and depressed I just have constant suicidal thoughts until I can't do it anymore. I either quit my job or check in to a psych ward. Rinse. Repeat. But it's not like I can just do nothing for the rest of my life so I feel like I have to keep trying. I don't know what else to do.
​
Existential Crisis:
I was feeling like a failure due to getting yet another job and burning out yet again within a few months. At some point I was surfing reddit and came across this thread of how high functioning gifted autistic people cope. I ended up reading it in depth, since I'm this supposedly intellectually gifted high functioning autistic person even though I'm not coping very well at all. And all of the comments were like "I'm high functioning but even I can't hold down a full-time job."
I was shocked. And that's when I learn that "high functioning autism" doesn't actually refer to the level of daily functioning. It refers to support needs. "High functioning" autists have lower support needs than people with autism and intellectual disabilities. HFAs have autism but don't have an intellectual disability. That's all it means. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/large-study-supports-discarding-term-high-functioning-autism/
Then I look up the life outcomes of people with "high functioning" autism and it is literally the most depressing thing I have ever read.
-80% of high functioning autistic people (HFAs) don't have a full-time job
-15% of autistic high school students graduate from college overall. Of those who do attend college, only 39% eventually graduate
-Most HFAs can't maintain (or sometimes even start) a long-term romantic relationship or marriage
-People with autism, even "high functioning" autsim, literally have the lowest employment rates of any disability. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-014-0041-6
-Additionally, people with autism have the worst life outcomes of any developmental disability, and one of the highest rates of suicidal ideation at 66% https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(14)70248-2/fulltext70248-2/fulltext)
​
The odds are against even the "highest functioning" autists from graduating college, maintaining full-time employment, or getting married. I feel incredibly stupid, but I never knew this until now. And now every sandcastle plan for my life I ever had is collapsing. I'm having an existential crisis. I'm finally facing facts and beginning to abandon my delusional lifelong optimism and realizing that maybe there are things I just can't do, and it's not about how hard I try or how 'smart' I am. Like maybe I will never be able to work full-time and I should stop pushing myself to the breaking point over and over again, like Sisyphus bound to hell. I know you might be thinking, why did you have such a delusional level of optimism after so many failures? But I guess the answer is that it's what got me through the day.
For the first time I even began to question my ability to live with a partner, because after all I would have to be around them pretty much every day and would have a lot less alone time as a result. Could I actually handle that? What if I can't handle the things I think I can handle? I thought I could handle working full time or just life in general but I was obviously wrong about that. What if I'm wrong about other things I thought I could handle too? How is my life even going to go now?
I'm trying to figure out how I might be able to live off of part-time work, or how I could get into more freelance or work-from-home stuff so I could stand to work more hours, but my parents don't believe I have a real disability and are putting a lot of pressure on me. They say they're going to start charging me rent soon. I mean, they say they believe the official diagnosis, but they also say things like "Life is hard" and "You keep quitting things when they get hard. Can't you find a way to stop being such a quitter?" They think all of my career ideas are terrible and I feel like if I don't get my life together then I'm disappointing them. I did share HFA employment statistics with them, which they didn't know about before, but it didn't seem to change anything. My dad said I was using them to "portray myself as fragile." I would rather not live with them because they're pretty toxic and controlling tbh but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm not exactly sure what I hope to gain by ranting about this but I guess I want to know how other people dealt with the horrible prognosis autistic people have. Did you know when you got your diagnosis about these statistics? If not how did you find out? Do you let the "average" prognosis define or affect you? Did it allow you to cut yourself some slack? Did other people in your life cut you the slack you needed too?

I’m worried about my buddy back home. If I was still home, I’d drop everything and go to his place just to support him and watch out for him. But I’m working on an island thousands of miles away in the middle of the ocean so obviously I can’t just drop my things and leave (my job also makes taking vacation or time off a pain in the ass).
We both have a mutual friend back home who’s checking up on and talking to him but I want to do more. My buddy has also called the national suicide hotline. What else can he do? What else can I do to help from afar other than just keep talking to him?

It's the most popular tank item by far and the first core item of almost every tank build - but is it really worth it???
Looking at the stats, you might think of this item as essential especially against mms reducing their attack speed by a whopping %70, but it is not as simple as it seems.

1. AOE: Dominance ice's passive only affects nearby enemies and unless ur against fighters/assassins which rely on attack speed/lifesteal (Zilong, Thamus etc.) it is completely useless against the opponent's mm unless ur a tank which can infiltrate backlines extremely well such as Khufra or Atlas. Unless fed, tanks such as grock, hylos and lolita are unable to approach mms, especially in higher ranks without being melted. That's why imo dominance ice is not as important as many make it out to be.
   
2. Alternatives: There are imo many other alternative items which tanks can build which would benefit them more (immort, blade, athena's etc.) especially immort which essentially allows the tank to do suicidal plays w/o dying esp under turret. Thus immort may be a far better first core item over dom.
   
3. Stats: Ignoring the additional mana and mov speed which barely affects tanks, dom ice provides 70 def which pales to the likes of blade armour's 90 def and antique's 920 hp anf 54 def
   

Overall: Apart from niche tankd such as Khufra and Atlas, dom ice may not be as important as a must have item, and could instead be a more niche item to be built situationally against certain types of heroes.

Okay, kind of long but here goes.
My 10 year old autistic son has REALLY struggled with school the past 2 years, after a year at home doing remote education where he really flourished. He used to be quiet and shy, then broke out of his shell and started really engaging with adults mainly. Then school started up again... He turned into a kid who has outbursts at school. It started with minor stuff - whining, passive refusal, not following rules like "don't touch the instruments in music", bossing other kids around, complaining, being silly, getting up from his seat... and escalated over the year at a steady rate. Crying, throwing himself to the floor, refusing to do work, shouting... Improved temporarily when they found an EA. By the next year, the EA had retired and they had no one so it escalated again to picking up chairs, making threats to himself or others, running out of the room or building. The school was understaffed and their solution was let him scream in the hall, put him on the floor in the hall to eat lunch, or stick him alone in a room to work. I wasn't told he was having FORTY MINUTE LONG meltdowns. No one told me. He doesn't do it at home. They said no one was able to help him.
So they started to call me to leave work to pick him up. They just did not have anyone to support him, so the behaviours escalated. Discipline didn't help. Kindness didn't help. Nothing really seems to work.
One problem was other kids teasing and egging him on - this was not addressed IMHO and while I don't condone his responses, he was solely blamed for it. He developed an extreme aversion to other children, and is now hypersensitive to anyone even looking at him, thinks kids hate him, assumes the worst. His self esteem tanked.
He has been through a LOT (sudden death during covid of his grandma he saw daily his whole life 2 years ago, extreme bullying to the point some kids smashed our window and he can't play outside alone now, lack of support at school, a highly stressed mom (me), new babies at his dad's, lots of changes). I do not blame the school for being understaffed, many of them tried. It was extremely stressful for all of us. But it was traumatic to my son.
He is now at a new school for a month and the behaviours have carried over. He's in an autism class with only 6 kids, 1 teacher, 2 support teachers. They do part of their day with their own grade, then go back to their home room for most of the time. It really seems amazing there. But. He still seems unable to handle it. Still spending his day crying, shouting, whining, refusing, melting down, won't go near other kids or interact.... It's breaking my heart and they don't know what to do there either.
At HOME? He's been doing amazing. He started therapy in early 2022. First group for a few months, then 1 to 1. They work on social skills, emotional skills, how to express his empathy, problem solve, etc. They are wonderful and positive and supportive of autism. I have seen extreme gains at home in so many areas. At his dad's (separated) he has become so kind and patient with his little brothers. When I take him out, he's mostly great.
The worst issue I have at home is mainly avoiding/arguing a little or repeatedly asking me to buy apps and whining lol. Normal kid stuff with the spice of autism. He is wonderful if I ask him to help with chores, tell him it's time for bed, etc. He brings his dishes to the sink and gets himself ready on time. He definitely does have a pervasive "negative" attitude in some ways. Getting frustrated a lot when he can't immediately be good at something, giving up fast, complaining, using inappropriate expressions when he's mad ("I should kick that stupid guy in the face" type stuff)... We are working on that. But he's NEVER physically aggressive, mean, or destructive. Doesn't really have meltdowns anymore, very rare when he's overwhelmed. Has started self regulating and getting his weighted blanket out or fidgets or asking to go for a little walk.
Lately he has been more emotional, crying sometimes, missing his grandma, feeling hopeless. I feel like, no wonder, with everything he's been through. I am getting him into psychotherapy soon, while we work on it at home too and I'm starting parent coaching sessions soon, just trying to find the right fit for 1:1 psychotherapy with autism. He is definitely anxious, and I am concerned about it.
The school is still pushing for meds. But the side effects worry me. It absolutely is behavioural but I also can't tell how much is environmental. Problem is, consequences don't help, neither do rewards. But he must have SOME control as he doesn't act this way anywhere else, even under pressure.
I know school is the hardest environment, but it feels so risky to start trialling medications, without knowing long term affects, when he is doing so great at home... There's not a ton of promising research on effectiveness. Even SSRIs, risk of suicidal thoughts scares me - mental illness like bipolar, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, runs in the family on all sides. And affects on growth/development have been shown with most psych meds. His appetite is always low and he's a restrictive eater. He will not eat much for breakfast, even preferred foods, barely lunch either. My other concern is medication interactions - he has allergies and it's not daily, but when he needs to take his meds, he REALLY needs them.
My dream solution would be quit my job, try to homeschool. As a single parent, not an option sadly.
Has anyone else experienced this? I feel so, so lost. What do other people do? Has anything worked for your kids?
That's a lot, and if you read it all, thank you lol.

Members: Villain Asgardians (VA) - Loki - Hela - Sylvie (Mystic, Brawler, Cosmic) - Enchantress (Mystic, Support, Cosmic) - Skurge* (Mystic, Protector, Cosmic)
*(I know Bio or Skill would probably make more sense for Skurge, so you can mentally replace him with the Destroyer if you want)
Highlights
Loki - Basic: In raids, always gain Evade. - Special: In raids, this also applies disrupted for 2 turns to the primary target. Defense Up 1 & Disrupted 1 will also be applied to the Mind Controlled enemies. - Special: If Sylvie is an ally, gain +5000% focus for this attack. - Ultimate: All Asgardian allies gain Evade. - Ultimate: In Raids, summoned allies do not gain stealth. - Passive: When any non-summoned VA ally gains stealth, summon a Mirror Image. - Passive: On ally death, fill SB by 10%. In raids, fill non-summoned ally SB by 10%. - Passive: In raids, on summoned ally death, grant 1 energy to 1 random non-summoned VA ally without full energy - Passive: All other VA allies also get the 10% SB on spawn and the 20% focus + 20% resistance.
Hela - Ultimate: If any enemy had deathproof and if there are 3 or more non-summoned VA allies, apply +1 deathproof up to a max of 2 to all non-summoned VA allies. - Passive: In raids, on Undead Asgardian death, apply deathproof to the lowest health VA ally and self up to a max of 3. - Passive: In raids, VA allies with deathproof gain drain. - Passive: In Raids, if this character drops below 50% health for the first time, summon another Undead Asgardian. - Passive: In Raids, VA allies gain damage.
Sylvie - High Damage/Focus - Basic: Attack primary target + bonus attack. - Basic: Gain assist from Loki. - Basic: 50% chance to gain Evade. - Basic: In Raids, always gain Evade - Basic: In Raids, bonus attack a third time. - Basic: In Raids, gain assist from a random cloned ally. - Basic: In Raids, apply 1 bleed on each attack. - Special: Attack primary and adjacents + apply Ability Block 2 to the primary target + Offense Down to primary and adjacents. - Special: In Raids, Ability Block 2 is applied to adjacents. - Ultimate (Memory Manipulate): Steal all Deathproof from primary target. Gain +5000% focus for this. - Ultimate: Attack primary target for high piercing. - Ultimate: On kill, clone that enemy. (Clones stats scaled to Sylvie’s.) - Ultimate: This attack is unavoidable and cannot be blocked. - Ultimate: Characters killed by this attack cannot be revived. - Passive: In Raids, on spawn, apply Speed Up 2 to self and all VA allies. - Passive: Heal 5% + 5% per non-summoned VA ally. - Passive: Gain +5% dodge chance per negative effect on the attacking enemy. - Passive: In Raids increase crit chance of self snd all allies
Skurge - High ArmoHealth/Damage - Basic (Executioner’s Axe): Flips Defense Up - Basic: On counterattacks and assists, apply Defense Down for 2 turns instead. - Special: Gain Taunt for 1 turn + Defense Up 2 + Counter 2 + Deathproof 1. - Special: Heal for 20% max health. - Special: If Enchantress is an ally, gain Safeguard 1. - Special: In Raids, apply Counter 2 + Defense Up 1 to all VA allies. - Ultimate (Des and Troy): Damage all enemies + apply bleed to all enemies for 2 turns. - Ultimate: In Raids, this applies trauma to all enemies, if Hela is an ally, Trauma for 2 turns. - Passive: Heal 5% + 5% per VA ally. - Passive: While has counterattack, gain additional damage. - Passive: While has Defense Up, gain additional resistance. - Passive: In Raids, while this character has Taunt, gain 100% chance to counterattack at 75% damage. - Passive: In Raids, increase Armor for all non-summoned VA allies.
Enchantress - High Health/Resistance - Basic: In raids, if primary target has Defense Down, mind control the strongest enemy to attack the primary target. - Special: Extend all positive effects (except for Stealth & Taunt) on self and all VA allies twice. - Special: Apply Stealth 1 + 3 regeneration to self or lowest health, non-summoned ally. Apply 1 Regeneration to all other allies. - Special: Call assist from a random Skurge ally. - Special: Revive a dead Skurge ally. - Special: In Raids, barrier self and all VA allies. - Ultimate: Heal VA allies. - Ultimate: Attack all enemies + increased damage for each non-Clone Summoned VA ally. (All Non-Clone VA summons are killed). - Ultimate: If this character has 4+ non-Summoned VA allies, flip immunity off each enemy + apply Disrupted to each enemy with a positive effect. - Ultimate: In Raids, apply 2 Disrupted on all enemies + 2/4 positive effects you to each enemy for 2 turns (Heal Block, Blind, Defense Down, Slow). - Passive: On VA turn, apply Assist Now to a random Skurge ally. - Passive: When an enemy attacks a VA ally below 50% health, Mind Control Skurge to attack that enemy. - Passive: Heal 5% + 5% per VA ally. - Passive: In Raids, on spawn, apply Revive Once to all VA allies at 100% health. - Passive: In Raids, on summoned ally Death, give barrier to the lowest healing VA ally.

Baby is 5 weeks old, I love him more than anything and more than I knew I could feel. I've struggled with suicide attempts and ideation for a good 20 years now (37). My wife has had to deal with a lot of shit bc of my depression (mostly having to worry that she'd find a body any time she came home for a good ten years).
I'm on meds, have been for two years, they've mostly helped, been self harm free for like a year and a half now haven't had a drink in almost three years. These last couple of weeks pretty much the only thing I can think about when I'm not holding my little boy is either drinking or killing myself. I can't seem to find any resources for this and I really can't afford to wind up in the hospital again (even if it's outpatient bc that's still 8 hours/day for at least 2 weeks, been there done that) right now because my wife needs my help.
I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough. I have some serious issues with PTSD, and I try to stay up to take care of him so she can sleep and all, but I've started forgetting things (left a bag of milk out for the 3 hours I was asleep last night like an asshole, for example). I'm going back to work in two weeks and I'm sure that's just going to make things worse because I won't be here as much to help clean or give her time to sleep or be able to cook as much.
Does anyone know of any resources for this? I could really use some help finding something bc I haven't been able to find anything on my own.

In a nutshell, I have Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, and high anxiety with frequent bouts of suicidal ideation. I've been seeing BH on and off for about 5 years now, tried both on post and off. None of it seems consistent. In those 5 years I've had 8 therapists/counselors due to them moving, getting promoted, taking a new job somewhere, or whatever else. It's so frustrating starting over with someone new so often. Are there any solutions for this? Anybody else dealt with this? Of all those therapists I've only had one that I really really liked and actually gave me hope, and she ended up taking a new job on another post, so I lost that one. I'm still active duty at Ft Polk currently.
I'm at the lowest point I've ever experienced right now, maybe that's why I'm reaching out here, idk.

well it’s been like a few months since i’m wondering if most of my life problems aren’t just due to my lack of motivation and feelings in life…
i feel interest for a a few things but i don’t have the energy/motivation to go out…
i content myself with documentaries/videos on the subject.
i don’t care about ppl, i feel better alone (if i’m not just depressed about my own place in society)
i don’t care about any job or at least not that much to dedicate my life to it.
i have sex but really rarely compared to what ppl think of me.. (i’m thinking too much to enjoy it) i have to be drunk or fulled of ecstasy to enjoy it…
i masturbate a lot and it feels better than sex with someone but lately it doesn’t even feel that good anymore.
i always had a hard time to keep relationships (not bc of fights but bc i just don’t give as much attention as ppl want)
i don’t ever miss ppl even my close ones, i rarely contact them
i don’t care if anyone dying except my close ones (3 ppl only)
i spend most of my days daydreaming or sleeping or trying to sleep or just trying to fill my emptiness with lots of videos and series
im also suicidal and 70% of my daydreaming is suicide ideation, it became an obsession bc i think sooooo much and analyzed every possibilities in my life and i think the only way for me is suicide but im too scared i fail and become like handicapped or something that’s why im still here.
also im diagnosed ADHD, kinda diagnosed with BPD and i have like covert narcissist tendencies i wouldn’t expose that to any psychiatrist…
what do you think of that ? do you relate to me ?

I'm feeling passively suicidal due to my looks. i genuinely feel so irreparably ugly and monstrous that I'm ashamed to walk out of my house. i feel like i embody everything that is wrong with nature, as it applies to humans.
i know this sounds grandiose. I don't have any genetic disorder or the like, I'm just hideous. and me being suicidal over something so small makes me feel like a stupid, ungrateful drama queen because i am so privileged compared to other people. for one I'm able bodied and don't have any horrible disfigurement. my family's economic status is fine, i have a supportive social network and (strangely) a girlfriend that finds me attractive.
and yet I still wake up with unshakable thoughts of mutilating myself, and especially my face. my mind has devolved into a chaotic spiral of obsessive and violent thoughts of self harm. i, willingly and unwillingly, spend an ungodly amount of my spiritual energy thinking of different ways to permanently disfigure my face, many times with it resulting in death. i fantasise about being able to live headless, just so i don't have to show my insultingly hideous face to the world. and I'm so tired of having these fantasies but now they feel like a part of me and I can't stop having them.
this whole issue is so disruptive to my day to day life. it prevents me from making new friendships and sustaining the ones i already have. i get so envious of people more beautiful than me (otherwise known as "ropefuel" that it ruins my entire mood and i get depressive and lethargic. I've been sleeping more and more lately because i feel so small and defeated, like I'm just the trash of the world. being unconscious is the only way out of these thoughts basically, because they plague every. single. waking. moment.
is this a shallow reason to want to kill myself? i have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but in terms of the former I've been doing much better. again I stress that I'm "passively" suicidal which means that I probably won't attempt anything for the time being, but I very heavily fantasise about taking my own life. maybe if there were any immediate methods available to me I would've already done it, but there aren't - and that might be for the best, to be honest. my life is great, the people in my life are great. I just cannot live with myself. I'm sad that I had to be born in this body, and now I have to navigate the world living in the skin of... whatever my body is supposed to be.
sorry for the essay

In some ways, illnesses are like humans.

1. A disease possesses human attributes, such as a mind, spirit, emotions, will, wisdom and compassion. One should have an attitude of healthy respect and reverence towards diseases. One should be grateful for diseases instead of treating them with neglect and defiance.
   
2. Diseases have consciousness and feelings that deserve a lot of tender loving care. They should not be considered as toxins to be quickly eradicated.
   
3. Killing a disease is taking a life with real karmic consequences.
   
4. Diseases are signs of disharmony and harbingers of death. Even so, they must not be killed, but treated tenderly. (If we take lives for our own benefit, we hurt both ourselves and others. This is true of literal and figurative killing. For instance, if we cling to powerful negative emotions, it is akin to suicide. If we lose our tempers and become enraged at our friends and family, it is akin to murder. By attempting to eliminate diseases, we are killing the benevolent gift of Heaven and Earth and offending the messengers of King Yama, the Lord of Death.)
   

Suggestions:
I. Accept Diseases 1. Diseases are no ordinary visitors. We do not encounter them by mistake. We must be diligent in serving them.

1. Diseases are an admonition from Heaven and Earth, an extremely kind and benevolent gift. Should we disrespect or disobey them? Initially, Heaven and Earth instruct us through the wordless teachings of natural law, but we fail to grasp the message. Then, saints and sages instruct us through oral or written teachings, which we fail to heed. After experiencing all manner of privations and adversity, we remain ignorant and impenitent, blind and deaf to the warning signs around us.

Thoroughly frustrated by our ignorance, delusion and obstinacy, Heaven and Earth must send diseases to get our attention. As mentors with great compassion, diseases inhabit our bodies while offering instruction and exhortation to us. After the fashion of concerned and loving parents, Heaven and Earth instruct by example and lectures before resorting to corporal punishment for their naughty children. As the saying goes,” spare the rod, spoil the child”. Being unaware of this grand drama, a patient may fear and detest his diseases and, in the process, reject the great benevolence and love of Heaven and Earth.

1. As messengers of King Yama, diseases are worthy of awe and respect. We mustn’t offend or challenge them. Serious diseases are senior messengers of King Yama. If we ordinary beings set our minds on killing diseases instead of repenting and acting virtuously, aren’t we being foolish and arrogant?
   
2. According to the Buddha, diseases are the consequences of one’s own bad karma (moral defects and misconduct). Therefore, one’s moral action is of paramount importance in healing diseases, while conventional medical care plays a supporting role.
   
3. It’s best to submit to diseases willingly. If we can’t do that, we should try to accept diseases with equanimity. Enduring a disease grudgingly is no good at all.
   

II. Ask Diseases Questions 1. We should earnestly ask our diseases questions: Who are you? Why did you come to me? What advice and teachings do you want to give me?

1. Complex and rare diseases, or acute and severe sicknesses, are usually the result of mistreating other sentient beings. Buddhists refer to these as karmic obstructions. In this instance, diseases are aggrieved victims or karmic creditors who will not relent until satisfied.

3.If the elements of earth, water, fire and air fall out of balance and the five elements of traditional Chinese medicine are disordered, medical doctors may diagnose a sickness. In such cases, the diseases are the messengers of Heaven and Earth. When the patient acquiesces to the disease and allows nature to heal it, the Yin and Yang (the duality of two opposing forces in the natural world according to Chinese philosophy) will then reach equilibrium. This will please Heaven and Earth and restore the patient’s health.

1. All human beings create karma and go against nature. Many are impenitent, refusing to express contrition for karmic obstacles. Such hard-heartedness results in ill health or other misfortunes. The karmic illnesses of the habitually impenitent, without proper care and repentance, provide the opportunity for more evil karma to accrue. Therefore, one must utilize both moral rectitude and proper healthcare to treat diseases.

III. Console Diseases. 1. If diseases afflict us due to karmic debt, we should feel shame, confess, and repent our faults.

1. If diseases afflict us as messengers of Heaven and Earth, we should confess our faults and show remorse, being respectful and grateful for the affliction.
   
2. We know that our illness is due to our evil karma (wrongdoing). (The above attitudes will help console our illnesses.)
   

IV. Resolve Diseases 1. If diseases afflict us due to karmic debt, we should give them merits and even our very lives. We should recite Amitabha Buddha’s name single-mindedly, seeking rebirth in the Pure Land rather than desiring recovery in the Saha world.

1. If diseases afflict us as messengers of Heaven and Earth, we should strive to maintain the balance between Yin and Yang for good health and re-examine our lives.
   
2. Whatever kind of disease afflicts us, we should always recite Amitabha Buddha’s name and embrace a vegetarian diet, submitting to the way of nature with a keen sense of letting go. We should obey the doctor’s instructions for healing and recovery, while practising Amitabha-recitation and cultivating sound morals. If these steps fail to avert death, we should suffer no pangs of regret. Killing the diseases would only augment negative karma; the circumstances would progress from bad to worse, from serious illness to sudden death. Our mistakes and bad karma would be multiplied, leaving us in abject misery and regret.
   
3. We should aspire to take an active (instead of a passive) role in our spiritual well-being. We should desire nothing and fear nothing. Heeding the lessons taught by disease, we should vigorously cultivate a clear conscience and karmic wellness, instead of mere physical healing.
   

V. Express Our Gratitude to Diseases 1. An illness is a benevolent teacher, imparting valuable lessons in life. It enables us to re-examine our values and lead a more enlightened life.

1. Shakyamuni Buddha taught us that birth, aging, sickness and death are among the many sufferings in life.
   
2. Disease is the fiery crucible of Heaven and Earth, which humbles the arrogant, disciplines the unruly, enlightens the fool and melts the heart of the brute.
   
3. Our own illness should make us empathetic towards all those who are also suffering from illnesses around the world. May we, and all the world’s afflicted, experience an end to suffering.
   
4. Periods of illness are times of golden opportunity - favorable karmic conditions in which we recite Amitabha’s name single-mindedly for rebirth in his Pure Land. In this Land of Bliss, we will be free from all sufferings, including birth, aging, sickness, death and ignorance, and enjoy a robust Dharma body with infinite light and infinite life.
   
5. Business travelers eager to embark on their journey at daybreak are delighted to hear the cock crow. Similarly, practitioners who aspire for rebirth in the Pure Land are happy to find themselves ill.
   

VI. Clear Up Common Doubts 1. When they first arrive, diseases are like visitors at the door. If they are forcibly rebuffed at the front door, they will stealthily gain entry by the back door.

1. Sometimes, an illness only leaves us after we have paid for our karmic debts by, say, destroying furniture or other belongings, or suffering financial loss or bodily harm. In this way, our karmic creditors are mollified.

-- Master Jingzong (English translation by Foying, edited by Jingxin)

Hello, I am brand new to Reddit so I apologize in advanced if there are threads similar or whatever. I just need advice from the veteran community. I served in the Marine Corps from 2008-2012 as a welder. I got stationed in Okinawa until 2010 and served the rest of my enlistment in Camp Lejeune. I never really went to medical my whole four years except for when I was close to getting out. I was doing platoon pt when I was having trouble breathing. I requested to go to medical and they sent me to a pulmonary specialist. They ran test and I think they said something along the lines of me having asthma. They gave me an inhaler and that was the end of that. During checking out I met with a VA counselor to handle my claim. I claimed the basic which were ringing, knee strains and a couple of other I can’t remember. A year after I had gotten out I got some letters in the mail for VA appointments but the letters got to me late so I was already late. I didn’t think nothing of it and just went about my life. So fast forward a year I started getting depressed with my first episode of my having suicidal thoughts. Nothing seemed to be going right since I’ve been out. Tried college and couldn’t finish. I can’t hold a job for more than a year. 2014 my brother took me to a VA clinic in Hawaii where I spoke to a, I want to say therapist? Where I expressed my current state of emotion. I had one session and I’ve never been back. Present day it seems like my life has gotten worse. I always stay inside my room and never want to go out. I get really nervous being around people now. I can’t explain it. I have trouble making friends. It’s a night and day difference from when I was in the military. I haven’t seen a doctor or dentist since over been out. The worse part is I’ve stopped talking to my old Marine corps brothers. I think the main reason is because I’ve lost direction. I forgot how to talk to people making me not want to talk to anyone, even family. There is more but that is the basic rundown. Thank you if you’ve read this far. I would just like to re connect with veterans and seek out advice.

(TW:SUICIDAL IDEATION) so ive got this friend. theyre my fucking best friend and i love them more than anyone in the world. but thats the issue. i get insanely upset if they cant hang out w me or are just busy or sum. i usually see them every week but if for some reason they cant or i cant i spiral and my entire week is ruined. i dont tell them that though because i dont want them to feel guilty for my fucking stupid childish brain. theyre very special to me. i tell them every single little detail of my life. i always jump to conclusions when they say they cant hang out like "oh they hate me" "hes bored of me". im so fucking sad and desperate. i feel the need to be their favourite person aswell and i get so jealous of their friends n partner. im only jealous of their partner though coz they get to feel very loved by them. im not at all romantically interested in my friend (actually best friend but ye). its all purely platonic but just extremely intense. i dont want to hurt them. i also get harassed daily by people. people yell slurs at me (im lgbt and out now bwcause someone outed me). people also do more subtle shit, like most of the time i cant tell if theyre being nice to me or fucking wit me. for example people will compliment me but giggle a bit. or ask rlly intrusive questions and ill say "i dont know u that well so im not telling u" and they go "why not im like ur bestie" im also super fucking sensitive to smells and i hate it its so overstimulating. im sobbing uncontrollably rn because i want to kill myself but i cant because they told me that theyd never get over it if i died. also for my gf and neice. im so fucking mad at all them for loving me. i hate myself. i hate everything. i want to leave. i want to stop hurting everyone so i wanna try make everyone hate me. yes im aware some of this doesnt have mcuh to do with autism but i feel like people in this community understand it better