To start, I’m married with two kids, my relationship is better than fine but it’s also not at a prime or anything. I occasionally wonder what life would be like with more chemistry or likeness but ultimately I love my life and wouldn’t risk what I have for anything. That being said, I’m smart, attractive and really funny and enjoy chatting with people and getting to know/learn about them. When I can tell a man has interest i generally will become short and leave the situation, i don’t need to fuzz my life up and it’s very rare for a man to be interested AND interesting enough for me to want to engage once I can tell they think something could come of the interaction. Unsure if this makes much sense and this all sounds very silly and self aggrandizing but I’m just trying to be objective and offer some understanding to why what happened was WILD to me.
I had some electric work done, my neighbor recommended the electrician to me and I went with him bc he had a whole team who completes the entire job- cutting wall open, moving j boxes, dry wall repair and painting etc. Me neighbor mention how the “painter” was hot but we have another pint project happening in our building and I thought he was referring to that contractor so didn’t count on a hot painter showing up to my house this week. The painter showed up, was very kind and respectful, I didn’t get a weird/creepy vibe so I was also normal with him and I left him to work while I gardened. I eventually came back in and sat awkwardly in my kitchen since everywhere else was taped up and covered in plastic. He was working in multiple rooms and when he came back to the kitchen we talked about our families, language, gardening and immigration since he was an immigrant and I’m first gen etc. We talked extensively about gardening and i showed him my garden etc. My housekeeper showed up and she kept joking with me about how I was treating her to eye candy(she’s older and single and hilarious). He was just as kind and chatty with her so I didn’t think anything. He helped with some other things I needed done and left after an 8 hour work day. Everything was very normal and professional and while I was a little flustered and flattered that I got to chat with an attractive stranger for the day I didn’t think anything else.
Around 8:30 I got out of the shower and saw I had two notifications, I thought the one from an unsaved number was a text, it was actually a missed call so when I clicked it, my phone started dialing and I immediately hung up bc I had a feeling it may have been the painter. I checked my calls from earlier in the morning and I was right. I went tot ext him just to ask if he meant to call, I was worried maybe I miss-paid or he left something etc. But while I was trying to think of what to say my phone started ringing. I answered and literally this is how it went
Me: Hello?
Painter: Hi (my name),did you call me just now?
Me: yes, sorry i wasnt sure about the missed call and accidentally called back- is everythign okay?
Painter: oh yeah.. uh so I have a big job to complete tomorrow but I am free Thursday and Friday to meet privately
Me: Im sorry, excuse me?
Painter: I can finish the work up Thursday or Friday, what works for you?
Me: um… I’m sorry I’m not sure what was left to do?
Painter: the closets?
Me: my closets?
Painter: oh uh is this Allison?
Me: no this is xxxxx
Painter: oh! I’m so sorry, I was calling to schedule for another client.. must’ve dialed the wrong number
Me: oh okay.. no worries
Painter: yeah… I’m just in my garden right now…
Me: oh okay well enjoy! Goodnight!
I hung up in complete shock. I was a little grossed out but only bc we discussed our spouses at length in a positive way. I also couldn’t help but think he must do this often?I am floored that someone actually did that.
On the other hand there was palpable chemistry that my housekeeper pointed out to me and was poking fun at me for. We had great conversation, he was helpful and attentive(duh I was paying him to be helpful) and in another life I probably would’ve entertained the call or probably would’ve been more forward while he was here. But yeah. That’s all. While it’s bad character that he called and this may be normal for him, I still can’t help but feel super flattered and glowy about it all.

I have been doing rolling 72s or 48s as my body allows with some breaks mixed in here and there for 75 days now. 37M SW: 332 CW: 288 GW: 260 This has been a pretty aggressive method of fasting for weight loss but it has been effective for me where other methods have not. I still take a daily multivitamin though the fat soluble nutrients are mostly wasted. I break my fasts with high protein meals. (I sometimes go overboard with carbs but... garlic naan is hard to resist sometimes.) I've been using snake juice for my electrolytes throughout the process and though it can be kinda pricey, I see it as about the same cost as takeout for two meals or so, meaning I'm still coming out ahead on what it has cost me. It has been fantastic to somewhat rapidly lose over 40 lbs. When you're over 300 lbs, you can lose 30 lbs and no one notices. But I'm finally past the point where it's noticeable and I'm starting to see the more tangible signs that it's working: I had to move my seat forward in the car because I wasn't fitting the same way I'm used to. I went through my closet and found some jeans from the early post-college days that mostly fit again. Breaking the addiction to sugary and carby food has been amazing as well. I've successfully resisted all the donuts, cookies, and pizza that get brought to the office to share. I even stood near all the stacks of pizza boxes while the rest of the company was eating and socialized while resisting. There's also this weird sensation that pops up here and there at odd times, like trying to squeeze through stacks of boxes in the warehouse or garage, where your brain tells you you're too fat but you fit between rows of stuff easily now. I know I'll never be skinny. And the loose/flabby skin is starting to show up on my arms, thighs, and stomach. It'll probably never go away without surgery. But I definitely want to continue and try to reach my goal.
Sadly I think I'm finally hitting the point of diminishing returns with fasting alone. I've been stuck at roughly the same weight +/- water weight for a couple of weeks. Progress has slowed down a lot since the magical first month. I need to find out what the right balance of fasting, lifting weights, and eating protein for building muscle will be for me. I'm sitting here at hour 43 of 72 though, still staying the course until I figure things out.

EDIT: Before you read this, please know that I'm okay now. I have an intense desire to live. I'm working through problems in a healthier way now, and slowly healing. Thank you to all that have expressed concern and reached out. I feel the love 💕
Between 14 and 16,, I threw myself into religion.
At home, I was living in a nightmare. All types of abuse. To give you an idea:

1. Mother threatened (my younger sister) to invite her friend who had drugged and r*d me at 14 yrs old over and leave, leaving them alone and locked in our room, because she hadn't done the dishes or something minor like that.

. 2. Mother used and sold drugs, and people were constantly in and out. SA was normalized, something to be expected. My sister's and I were targets for grooming, mstg, etc.

1. Older brother (5years older) tried to kill me bc I locked myself in the bathroom bc I didn't want to have s*x with his friend (I was 12). He broke in the bathroom and was choking me out. His friend stopped him, and they left the house.
   
2. There was no access to food Mother didn't work, but got food stamps. She would buy the things she liked, sell the rest for cash, and keep her stuff locked in her room. We were not allowed in there. Little sister and I would make what we could with whatever we could scrounge up. We would walk to a nearby grocery store and steal as little as possible. (This was rare, we felt guilty about it, and got caught and had to stop) Like, a box of plain elbow pasta. We would take it home and make it last days as a soup. Save bits from breakfast and lunch at school to take home and feed our younger brother so he could have something in his belly even if we didn't.
   
3. Once we were able to get jobs, our checks would be confiscated. One of my jobs was under the table, so I would pull 10 or 20 or whatever I could get that wouldn't be noticed, and hide it in the pockets of clothes that didn't fit anymore that were in my closet. Things eased up when I was able to spend a few dollars a week on food.
   
4. We'd been in and out of foster care for years before this. Horror stories there. We were heavily manipulated and gaslit. I found out years later that my teachers and principal and friends parents had been making dhs calls, but i guess dhs had given up on us.
   

I can go on for days. This was nonstop, years of this. I was messed up. I ended up with different little types of self hming behaviors. I was screaming inside, forced to act normal. I had to let out some of the pressure. At the time, I didn't know the difference between self hm and attempted s*. All I knew was that I was hurting, desperate, and my world was constantly on fire.
There was a particularly bad summer when I was 14. No food at all. Someone invited me to Wednesday youth church. They would eat, then separate out into age groups and have services. I went. That first Wednesday, I ate, then ran to the restroom. It had been over a week since I'd had anything at all. And the last I'd eaten had been a few bites of the elbow soup. This big serving of lasagna with toast had been too much. I lost it all. I was so upset, I was in the stall crying. Two of my friends came in to check on me. TELL ME WHY I tried to play it off as an eating disorder. Great. Now everyone thinks I have an eating disorder.
We moved on to services. All these people had been so nice and welcoming. I met the youth pastor, brother j. He was goofy and playful and so full of light. He really cared about all the people there. The whole atmosphere, and the was that brother j and some of the teens shone with this absolute certainty... It made me want to believe too. Just thinking about this next sentence makes me cry, still to this day. I tried so had to believe, and worked so hard to play the part, and I never succeeded. I mean, I even started a bible study at lunch at school. Faker, liar.
One of the women whose son was in the youth group saved me a plate. As everyone separated out to go home, she gave me a wrapped plate. I walked home (on the other end of town) and my younger siblings ate. I started keeping ziplocs in my pockets. I brought whatever I could home. I tried to shine like everyone else.
One day, I was out of clean (or clean enough) longer shorts. I wore the longest thing I could, and just told myself I'd make sure I kept them pulled down as much as possible. Inevitably, another kid noticed cuts at the tops of my thighs and told someone. Brother j asked me, and I told part of the truth. Sometimes, I want to hurt myself. He talked to me about it, was there for me, and he gave me his phone number. Told me to call at any hour if I needed someone to talk to or felt like hurting myself.
I'd collected all kinds of little razors. The bigger ones, like for box cutters. The smaller ones you can get from wedging a butter knife between the blades of a shaving razor. I kept them in my closet.
After a particularly bad incident (older sis' baby daddy coming into my room and dry humping me, trying to coerce me into letting him do stuff to me) I was fed up. All anyone wanted from me was to use me. I wanted to get my hidden treasures out and dig in deeper than I'd ever gone. I wanted to not be around any more. I texted that number, too ashamed to call. Ten minutes later, brother j is outside. He talks to me, and I hand over the razors. There were a couple of incidents similar, and he was always there when I needed someone.
Brother j never treated me like an inconvenience. He never acted inappropriately. He cared. He was there for me when I had nobody. He went out of his way to help in every way he could.
I wish I could say that my behaviors stopped. They didn't, but I found less harmful and dangerous versions. I didn't want to die. And when I couldn't take any more of the hell at home, I didn't give up. And when I had severe PPD ten years later, I didn't give up. And when the world was against me, I didn't give up. Because someone, so long ago, made sure I knew that, whether I believed it or not, people WOULD care if I wasn't here any more.
I'm not magically okay. I'm very mentally unstable. I have so much trauma built up, I've blanked out months from my memory. But I'm alive. And I know for a fact, if that kindness hadn't found me, I wouldn't be.
Edited to add words that got deleted and a couple details. I'm far, far away now, and happy. 🥰

I love my mom. I guess. She really loves me Went all out as a mom. PTO president, troop leader, took me to after school stuff. Threw me fancy parties. Read me lots of books.Gave me lots of gifts. Give you the shirt off her back type of lady, for sure. Ran a six figure business until my teens! Then it went belly up. Ran it for 10 more years at a loss. I saw her lose a lot of people she loved, from senseless tragedy to old age. Now she is spending her retirement years taking care of her very wealthy older father who throws her tiny scraps of approval, infrequently. He needs help. He fell three years ago, probably shouldn't live alone, is 96, and can't even heat up food without help she's over there two days a week thats all she can apparently do in a week. I can't even come over and fix dinner to try and spend some time with them. Cracks open the first tall boy at 330, then it's a joint, another tall boy, another joint. Every day. I drink a bit more than I want (like three days a week), so I have a hard time judging her. My dad is almost 60 and still runs a remodeling business so he's tired but she's always like " no your dad is too tired for that" I try to get together for holidays and she's like "not unless you come clean my house!" Guys it's a disaster. Cat feces needs scraped off lineoleum. Nick nacks everywhere. Food sits out for months. I'm allergic to the house and get hives. I tried to be her housekeeper as a teen and I think it was the single most factor in destroying my mental health. She has enough dirty laundry in the house to fill the biggest U-Haul. "Wish you'd help me.clean out this closet!" It's a 4,000 square foot house piled to the brim. Dog pee on the carpets. I never had clean towels, never had toilet paper in my swanky bathroom with a marble jacuzzi tub (highlighting the weird dynamic). My stepbrothers room had a crunchy spilled soda pond I spent half a summer trying to fix when he moved out. He lived with us for one year. He was violent, on meth, brought home really scary people. custom built a bass system that was so loud we would all have to leave the house when he wouldn't turn it off. He got in huge physical fights with my dad over things like "time to go to school". So police came and went. He once jacked off on my bed and left the evidence I was 12 years old! He had verrrry noisy sex with his girlfriend all the time in the room across from me, and I'd like ask my parents to help but they wouldnt. They couldn't! He was a violent meth head! He also did weird shit to me when I was a kid, but I like thought that it made me special so I welcomed it. My parents were like "that's just normal kissing cousins stuff!" They would never let me donate any toys or get rid of things or help me clean, so I did start just tossing old crap into one of the guest rooms until it was waist high. (Dad would dig things out of the garbage and put them by my door to tell me it wasn't okay to throw out a messed up/ unwanted toy) so I spent another summer fixing that. I spent 5 hours a day doing housekeeping. They did pay me, minimum wage, which I used to buy all my back to school clothes at the end of the summer. It was just... Soul crushing. And lonely.. I was so lonely in summer. I stayed home while my mom and dad worked (the two step brothers only lived in the house for a year) so alone in the mess from 8-5 m-f then they come home, go smoke in their room, chat, and have a beer until 6.. my mom might fix dinner, might order something, might have oatmeal or something. Then they would watch TV in their room from 7 until they tucked me in at night. They sang me affectionate good night songs until 8th grade though?? Next, I was a moody antisocial teen who started experimenting with drugs so their solution was to keep me from getting in legal trouble by providing the pot themselves. They smoked lots of pot with me when I was a teen and while I'm 420 friendly I don't think smoking out your 15 y/o three to five times a day is healthy. My mom jokes about me knocking on their door "wake and bake!" Ew! I was suicidal, self harming, only loosely tethered to reality in my opinions about the supernatural and also super paranoid (psychotic, I was borderline psychotic, hence being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the mental institution (in name only and not officially on my dx sheer thanks to a savvy counselor who didn't want to stick a code on me for life)) I was having sex with like, everyone. Sneaking out all the times getting super messed up, and after they found me overdosed on the floor (week in a coma in the hospital) (child services talked to them and required institutionalization) they got me help, good help. Thank whatever God there is for Mr Eagle, my counselor who had the "how do you eat an elephan? Piece by piece. Mentality of breaking life down into manageable chunks. Dealing only with your own problems, and not busying yourself with things outside of your control as those are not your responsibility (will revisit this at the end) ( money bags grandpa paid for it, btw I spent some nice times as a younger with Grandpa and do have a special relationship with him but also it tense probably because of the way him and my.mom get on? Maybe I feel ashamed about not investing well in my twenties because we would pull money out since we had very little of it and needed things like a down payment on a house or a major car repair, or a hospital bill, maybe because he cheated on my grandma at like 82 and then she pretty much laid down and died? Maybe because I feel weird about myself and insecure and inadequate? I'm afraid I seem greedy around him too and don't want him to think I want money so I try to fake being more financialy good than I am. I'm not bad off tho, for a single income family where the hubs is a hardware store manager.. got about a years income saved and I think that's pretty dope rly ) Back to parents: both of them have this "don't make a mountain out of a molehill" dismissive, don't deal with your problems attitude to everything so like... I'm the complete opposite, kinda anal. And I can be mean and resentful. Now they are also very into Jesus and are disappointed that I'm not. I "led them to Christ" when I was a post suicidal teen looking for change. Their only change was that they were in church and hiding all their habits. My dad has a super close relationship to my ex sister in law and they talk all the time, he gave her a job, she had a hard life, now she loves God and they are like so close. I'm very sad about it. I do feel betrayed. It also hurt my brother, the okay one. He stayed away for a decade since the ex was always at our house or with my dad working. So then I started buying groceries in college when I had a job, and cooking for myself but my dad is too picky to eat anything I'd make. My mom only bought frozen and shelf stable things and I was pretty crunchy and wanted lots of fresh stuff to eat. Moving on, my mom is always complaining about her dad being so needy and won't pay for help, her sister is useless (mind you he just calls the sister fat, and talks a lot of shit to her, I wouldn't help either. I don't like to come around cuz he's kinda too old school with my kids) my mom is also in terrible health. She fell down the stairs several times now, drunk. She's had some surgeries. She smokes a ton and is always coughing. So here we are: Shes about to move in next door. Shes "excited for the first time in a long time" and I kind of am,but mostly? I'm worried. I have four kids, that she basically never helps with. She doesn't have to, they're my kids. I would appreciate her help but I'm afraid of her being too close to the kids.I don't want her in my business, I don't want my tween running over there everytime something is going on... like today our neighbors dog killed the cat, and if my mom lives there she would have seen the commotion.. I just don't want her having such a window into my life. I like to control what information she has. Everything she says drives me ducking nuts. She's always bragging about me like she shares in my accomplishments, and maybe she kinda does but I worked in college, she didn't help pay. I lived at home and paid my bills and bought my own food! When I did tell her about the cat her response bothered me. I regretted calling. I ALWAYS REGRET SHARING THINGS WITH HER. She tells all my secrets and portrays me in the same trashy podunk light she lives under. I don't really want to play best friends with her. Oh, I'm her "best friend" she's always so happy and proud to say I'm her "best friend" I'm not her best friend. I can barely stand her and while I did decide in the last year I was sick of being everyone's emotional trash can and I was at least going to share my grief too, so I do occasionally talk to her about my problems, I find everything she has to say so trite and so basic and so utterly uninformed and unhelpful. I need to spank the kids is always her answer (I was never spanked lol) She can't ever just be better, read a book, or do something healthy. She wants to eat drive through food and drink loads of bud light. Shes going to have all these health problems and I'm her "only one in the world" I do have a dad of course, who she trashed to me (from his work ethic, to my step brothers, to their sex life-apprently he's too horny!?! Wtf) so much in my teens I only recently have been able to even talk to.. he's also standoffish and thinks (slow southern drawl) "men are just quiet ain't no need to talk about everthing" Now she's telling me how she's going to be a brand new woman as my neighbor. Shes so happy! I want to be happy for her Shit I want her to babysit! I want family dinners. I want to like love each other. But I loathe her "good morning I love you!" Text every day She just doesn't get me. She does try to respect boundaries, but it's because I'm "over sensitive" and too emotional. . . I just don't know where to set boundaries.i don't want to be so judgemental because I'm so afraid I will not be any better as a parent 😭 I don't know what's worth talking about. I don't know how to appreciate the good mom I have who also has tons of irritating faults. She really would do anything for me if I asked. But I won't ask because I resent her! Or perhaps because she's already soooo burdened and she can't handle it. How do you move past your shit with your parents? Also she's like "you can't ever move now!" And like.. we definitely know we want to move eventually. Plus I don't want to take care of her problems. Like I get helping your old parents but goddamnit I had kids young because the church cult I joined myself to was very pro baby. It's the only thing we should do with our lives blah blah blah. I love being a mom and wife. I got married at 19. Kids at 21, so when I'm like 45.. I have no interest in taking care of my old parents who lived it up. I want to go to medical school or something dramatic in my later years. We always wanted to move abroad with our teens (me a nurse, hubs a teacher). IDK I'm just so irritated with her for her crappy parts and not sure how to still love her, which I want to, because my gosh I will be so sad when she's gone. I was always so afraid as a little kid of her dying. Nightmare after nightmare 😭I want to love her well but also be able to manage my own mental health and family. How do we do that?!?! Ps she just was given half a million dollars by my other grand parents to build a house. I live in a squatty (but lovely, my dad fixed it up nice for us, with ex sister in law, weird weird weird)two bedroom next door which I bought, (for a good price but bad foundation, had to replace roof, had to replace half the subfloors and some.joists from water damage) instead of another home because it was a childhood home for my dad, long in the family, and she was going to lose it in the bankruptcy. So I bought the house to save the house for the family. I have land. I do love my 2 bed 800 sf house.. but seeing her getting money and being "cracker rich" as she calls it, again, is.. ugh. They were also given the house I live in, for free. I bought it They were given it for free. I feel like I'm also viewed as this weak emotional spoiled girl by them all (parents, sil, brothers) too, which feels very unfitting(brothers have received gobs of bail money, surcharge money, probation fees, new cars when they totaled theirs) and like yes my grandpa once insisted on buying me a Buick for 5k which broke down constantly, needed the engine replaced, and I tried to tell him I didn't want (could afford a new car but it felt irresponsible to buy one when someone is trying to gift you a car... His name was on the note too so I couldn't even trade it in... Strings) and yes he once gave me 10k unsolicited 🤍 gave my mom 30k and it sure disappeared. Mine did too tbh. Bought a patio to enclose to make more space. But I put myself through school, I worked the whole time, although at 14 it was housekeeping for my folks, I worked on a hotel in college, and as a nurse until I had my first baby. Sure I stay home but I can't afford daycare?! And I want to love the babies and created a better family. IDK. What the hell do I do from here? How do we make the family.. work?!?! What do I change? What do I accept that I can't change? Can I run away 😭

“Day by Day, Month by Month, Year by Year,” Part 1
by c.w. cobblestone
A wimp chronicles the femdom/cuck relationship between him, his beloved Molly and her lover DeShawn. Here are the first six months.

YEAR 1

January 1

Well, the calendar may have changed but nothing else has. Molly is still in love with DeShawn. They’re still openly flaunting their affair in front of friends and family. I’m still kissing up to both of them and praying they’ll continue to let me hang around. So far, so good; the wedding’s still on for June, and everyone seems to be finding their roles in this three-way relationship. Unfortunately, my role is being their bitch. But Molly’s still here — that’s the important thing. I thought for sure when DeShawn came into the picture and stole her heart that she’d run off with him. But to my great relief, she says she wants to go through with the wedding while also maintaining her relationship with DeShawn. She says we’re now a “poly triad.” I know she’s playing me for a fool and is only marrying me because I earn six figures. But I don’t care. I love her and would do anything to keep her. Anything. Full stop. The ceremony is scheduled for June 8th, and my New Year’s resolution is to not fuck it up.

January 3

Molly didn’t say when she’d be home from the New Year’s Eve party at DeShawn’s friend’s house, but I didn’t expect her to be gone this long. I’m starting to get worried. Molly’s a big girl and can take care of herself, but DeShawn runs with a rough crowd.

January 4

Crisis averted. Molly’s been holed up in DeShawn’s apartment partying, thank goodness. After she texted me and told me to bring cognac and Burger King, I’d hoped to spend at least a few seconds with my beloved fiancé for the first time this year. Alas, I never even laid eyes on her. DeShawn answered my knock, snatched the bags from my hand and slammed the door in my face after throwing out a flippant “thanks, bitch.”

January 5

Molly finally came home but she was only here long enough to change clothes and bitch at me about her car being down to a quarter tank of gas. I thought about telling her she hasn’t been home for me to gas her car up but I wisely kept my mouth shut and volunteered to fill her tank right then. She said she was in a hurry, though, and rushed back out. I’m guessing she was either headed to the club or back to DeShawn’s place, although she didn’t tell me where she was going, and I sure as hell didn’t ask. As far as she’s concerned it’s none of my business what she does — my job is to sit at home and wait for her like a good little toady, ready to kiss her little ass and put up with her shit when she gets back.

January 7

I kept dinner warm until finally putting it away at 9. Even if Molly does make it home tonight, she’ll most likely be with DeShawn, and they won’t be in the mood to eat. I can always heat up something later if they want a post-coital snack.

January 9

When I got home from work nobody was there, although two bags of DeShawn’s dirty laundry were waiting for me in the living room. Molly had me do his clothes a few weeks ago and now the arrogant bastard apparently thinks it’s my permanent job. I thought about just letting it sit there — then common sense took over. The last thing I want to do is piss him off and give him an excuse to kick my ass again. So, swallowing what little pride I had left, I washed and carefully ironed the clothes of the man who’s fucking my fiancé. How pathetic is that?

January 10

My buddy Tim called to tell me he saw Molly making out with DeShawn at the Alexis Club last night. I turned red but gave my speech about how our arrangement allows her to see other men. Tim must be the 10th person to call since Molly and DeShawn started openly dating. I wish my supposed girlfriend and her “black king” would keep their tryst on the down-low but they said they wanted to take their relationship to the next level and I don’t get a vote. With everything that goes on in the world these days, I’d hoped their affair wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m finding that people aren’t as open-minded as they claim to be. I’m losing friends and alienating family over this “poly” situation. Tim sure sounded disgusted. I guess I can’t blame him — if I was my friend, I’d probably be just as outraged at how Molly and DeShawn treat me, and how I put up with it like a sap loser. I imagine it must be painful for my friends and family to watch, but I wish they’d try to see it from my point of view. I love Molly with all my heart. She hurts me, sure. But I’m happier than I’ve ever been since she came into my life. Why can’t people understand that? If I can accept her and the things she does to me, why can’t everyone else?

January 13

DeShawn spent the night last night. He and Molly were already hammered when they got back from the club but they wanted another round. They also wanted privacy, so after I served drinks, DeShawn handed me his key and told me to go clean his apartment. I said “yes sir” and hauled ass out of there. When DeShawn tells me to do something, I don’t fuck around. The guy dislikes me to start with, so I try not to give him any reason to fuck me up. The first time Molly brought him home, I attempted to man up and confront him. I won’t ever make that mistake again. I like having teeth too much.

January 14

For the second night in a row, DeShawn stayed over. Molly got mad because I hadn’t bought the bottle of wine she’d wanted so she slapped me across the face several times, cutting my nose with her engagement ring. I got blood all over my favorite shirt, and she yelled at me about that, too, much to her boyfriend’s amusement. Molly is getting meaner by the day and DeShawn keeps egging her on. He loves the situation he’s carved out for himself — he knows he could steal her from me any time he wants but he enjoys having me around. In addition to bankrolling the affair, I represent the spoils of his victory; I’m the defeated, shamed white boy whose nose is constantly rubbed in the dirt while he enjoys his prize, my beautiful fiancé. That’s why he’s so brazen about taking Molly to all the places frequented by my friends and family. He wants everyone to know that Molly is in love with him, and that I’m pathetically hanging around paying the bills and serving as the beta in this budding “poly triad” of ours. Around town, it’s making me either a laughingstock or an object of pity. I’m not sure which is worse.

January 17

I got into a big argument with my brother Joel today after he called to tell me he saw Molly and DeShawn at the Towne Theatre “acting like a pair of animals in heat.” He and the rest of the family have been pressuring me to leave her ever since DeShawn mopped up the floor with Joel last month. The stupid fuck tried to tell the former Carver State linebacker to stop embarrassing the family by openly carrying on with Molly. DeShawn doesn’t like being told what to do. Joel found that out the hard way. His broken nose just healed.

January 20

Nobody was at the condo when I got home from the firm, although I could tell DeShawn had been over, given the wet spots all over the crumpled bedding in the master bedroom. These days, the only reasons I go into Molly’s room are to clean, change cum-stained sheets, and wipe her boyfriend’s piss stains off the toilet rim in the master bathroom. Molly says her bedroom suite is reserved for “real men” and that I have no business being in there unless it’s to clean.

January 24

Molly dropped some devastating news today. She says DeShawn will be going on the honeymoon in June and I’ll be staying home. Also, we had planned to take a Mediterranean cruise, but since DeShawn’s great-grandmother was from St. Thomas and he’s always wanted to go down there, she told me to switch the arrangements. I was bawling like a baby but I clicked onto the travel site and made the required changes. Since the wedding isn’t for six months, there was no problem adjusting the plans, although it killed me inside to do it.

January 26

Molly told me to pack her bags because she was headed to Atlanta for a week to hang out with DeShawn’s cousins. So, now, just like that, I’m not going to see my beloved fiancé until next Sunday. I don’t think she has any idea how much she’s breaking my heart with this affair of hers, but if I told her she probably wouldn’t care — she’d probably think it was funny. That’s how cruel she’s become. DeShawn brings out the worst in her. After he told her that it turns him on when she’s mean to me, she’s been looking for reasons to dog me. He usually rewards her cruelty by fucking the taste out of her mouth — and that makes her want to treat me even worse. Molly is finding out how much naughty fun it can be to make my life miserable, knowing that I’m so hopelessly in love with her I’ll put up with anything she dishes out. Deep down, she probably knows what she’s doing to me is wrong — but I bet that just makes the whole thing even more delightfully wicked. My former angel is lost in a decadent, BBC-fueled alternative dimension where being bad is good and my pain is hilarious.

February 6

Molly told me to go by her mom’s house after work tomorrow to clean. She says I should plan on that being one of my regular weekly duties from now on. I’m getting sick of being everybody’s fucking maid. I’m stuck cleaning DeShawn’s apartment once a week now. Last week, Molly had me wash her best friend’s car after her boyfriend got drunk and puked in it. My fiancé has pimped me out to her friends recently for myriad other chores — cleaning up dogshit, dropping off library books, picking up drycleaning. Since DeShawn came into the picture, Molly has gleefully let her friends and family know that I’m nothing but her little bitch — and her boyfriend’s little bitch, too. She loves recounting the night she brought DeShawn back to the condo for the first time, and I tried to make a stand by telling him to leave. He busted me in the eye, knocking me to the floor, and then kicked me in the ribs until I begged him to stop. The whole time, Molly watched with a glazed look in her eye and fingers in her crotch. After DeShawn bitch-slapped me one last time, he dragged my fiancé into the bedroom and they screamed up a storm while I lay on the living room floor sobbing. That was the first and only time I ever tried standing up to DeShawn, as Molly delights in telling her friends. “DeShawn runs shit around here,” she says to anyone who’ll listen.

February 8

Darlene is such a cunt. It’s easy to see where Molly gets her snootiness from. After I left the firm yesterday, I headed straight for my future mother-in-law’s house and started cleaning. I busted my ass all night and didn’t finish until after 11pm. Did I get a thank-you? Hell no. The whole time I was there, all Darlene did was belittle me and taunt me about DeShawn. Before I left, she pulled down her sweats and showed me her pussy, asking if I remembered what one looked like. It was so embarrassing, I just wanted to run out of there. But I knew not answering her might pose a problem, so I just faked a smile and said, “it has been a while.”

February 11

There’s nothing more embarrassing than standing outside the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret clutching your fiancé’s purse while she tries on sexy outfits to wear for her lover on Valentine’s Day — especially when she made it known to the salesladies that the lingerie is for someone other than the schmuck holding the bag. I wanted to die when I paid for the purchases, with the women all smirking and making snide remarks. There was no reason for Molly to tell the staff that the lingerie was for another man, other than pure cruelty. On the ride home, I hung my head and bit my lip, doing my best to keep from crying. Molly yelled at me and told me to stop moping, so I sat up straight in the passenger seat and pretended to watch the scenery as it zoomed by.

February 15

Valentine’s Day sucks when you’re a beta. I cleaned the condo spotless and fixed a special dinner for two. Once the candles were lit and both plates were full, DeShawn gave me his mother’s address and told me to report to her house for maid duty. As usual, I said, “yes, sir” and obeyed without hesitation. Jeez, I thought my mother-in-law was bad — Cassandra is ten times worse. From the second I stepped into her house she made it clear that while she absolutely loves Molly and supports her relationship with her son, she despises white males. Therefore, she said, she despises me by default. It took seven hours to clean Cassandra’s house, which was enough time for her to slap me six times and spit in my face twice after finding fault with my cleaning. When I was finished, she made me stand in the hallway with my legs spread and my hands on my head before kicking me in the nuts as hard as she could. After I collapsed in pain, she told me to kiss her shoe and thank her. I complied, and she kicked me in the head and said “now, get the fuck out, white boy.” I’m praying Molly doesn’t add cleaning Cassandra’s house to my regular duties. That woman has a lot of anger bottled up inside her, and after only one night I can already tell she loves taking out those frustrations on a lily-white ass.

February 16

Well, fuck me. Exactly what I didn’t want — DeShawn says from now on I have to go by his mom’s house once a week to clean. WTF, man. So, with my recurring appointment at Darlene’s house and DeShawn’s apartment, that’s three nights a week I’ll now be cleaning other people’s houses, in addition to my chores at home and all the other errands I’m sent on. For Molly and DeShawn, this polyandrous threesome is proving to be a sexy, relaxing lifestyle — but for me, it’s demoralizing and exhausting.

February 23

Per Molly’s orders, I asked the head of the firm if I can pick up extra cases, or stay late to help the other attorneys with research. Molly wants me to make as much money as I can between now and the wedding because she says she and DeShawn want to “honeymoon in style.” She says things like that because she thinks it’s funny to hurt my feelings. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to get out of this abusive relationship. I guess I’m like those battered wives who keep going back to their husbands. Molly treats me like shit but I take it. With a smile. A fake smile, but a smile nonetheless.

March 19

Mr. Berkowitz accommodated my request and I’ve been working 14-hour days for the past few weeks. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, since I get to stay away from home longer, thus avoiding abuse from my fiancé and her lover. Plus, my last few checks have been huge. The bad news is, every dime of that extra money will go toward ensuring that Molly and DeShawn “honeymoon in style.” And despite all the extra hours, my domestic load hasn’t lightened one iota. I’m still expected to clean Darlene’s house every Monday, Cassandra’s every Wednesday, and DeShawn’s apartment every Thursday. If I get behind on my chores at home, I know Molly will cut me no slack, and if DeShawn’s around there’s a good chance she’ll slap the shit out of me if something doesn’t get done. She loves showing off for her man by being bitchy to me, and it drives him crazy when she does it. So, I’ve been killing myself to keep up with everything. It’s been rough, but I’ve managed. Who needs sleep?

March 26

I’m completely wrung out physically and emotionally. Last night was hands-down the worst night of my life. I served as the “bitch boy” at a party thrown by one of DeShawn’s friends and it was pure fucking hell. Molly made me wear a pair of her panties to the party, and when we got there I was told to strip, other than the pink, lacy underwear. There were about a dozen people there, and I spent the night serving drinks and having them pinch my ass and make fun of me. But the worst part was when DeShawn got drunk and forced me to kneel in the kitchen and suck his dick in front of everyone. I’ve been in complete anguish ever since. I can’t get the taste out of my mouth or the thought out of my head that I am now officially a cocksucker. Molly and several other people at the party filmed my debasement with their cellphones, so I’m sure the terrible moment will haunt me forever. I suspect there’ll be a lot more such horrible moments, too, because after DeShawn squirted all over my face and hair, he seemed pleased, bragging to his friends that I was a natural. He didn’t allow me to clean up, either, saying it would be “disrespectful,” so I spent the rest of the evening fetching drinks with dried cum on my face and tears in my eyes. It was a mortifying experience, something I wouldn’t have wished on my most hated enemy. I suppose it could have been worse — a couple of DeShawn’s friends also wanted blowjobs, but he told them I was “his bitch” and therefore off-limits. Molly told me I should feel proud to be DeShawn’s bitch. I lied to her and said I was grateful. In truth, I wanted to die when he said that. He’s starting to see me as his property.

April 2

During lunch yesterday, Molly told me that she and DeShawn had decided to let me come along on the honeymoon. After I fell over myself thanking her, she smirked and said, “April Fool’s.” DeShawn got a kick out of my crestfallen expression. He told me he had just the thing to cheer me up, and then made me suck his dick. He’s been having me do that a lot since the party last week.

April 7

DeShawn’s lease on his apartment is up April 19, and last night I was informed that he’d be moving in with us after that. This isn’t exactly a surprise, and I’d been bracing for it — although when Molly made it official, it was still quite the gut-punch. She said I’ll be responsible for moving everything, and that I should start packing stuff the next time I clean DeShawn’s apartment, so I don’t have to do it all at once.

April 10

As if things couldn’t get worse, DeShawn told me yesterday that he’d be converting the guest room into his mancave. When I asked him where I was going to sleep, he said “in the bathtub for all I care.” I don’t know if he was joking or not, though, because he laughed when he said it. Whether he was serious or not, if he takes over the guest bedroom I won’t have anywhere to sleep, since that’s the only other bedroom in the condo besides the master suite, and I doubt I’ll be allowed to bunk down in there with them. Why should I be allowed a place to sleep? I’m just the guy who pays all the bills.

April 12

Well, the mystery over where I’ll be sleeping is solved. Molly says I can put a dog bed in the hall closet. She told me to go buy one now and to break down the bed in the guest room, so everything will be ready for when DeShawn moves in. So, I guess my days of sleeping in a bed like a normal human being are over. A dog bed in the closet??? WTF.

April 14

I keep hitting new lows. When I was at her house last night, Cassandra made me drink her piss. I was in the bathroom scrubbing the floor when she came in brandishing a plastic cup. She sat on the toilet and held the cup under her pussy, filling it with urine. Then, she handed it to me and told me to say “cheers!” before downing the cup in one gulp. I managed to obey although I almost threw up. She told me to thank her for the honor, which I did with all the respect I could muster. Later, when I’d resumed my cleaning, I overheard Cassandra on the phone bragging to her friend about what she’d done. I got a chill when she said, “sure, come on over when he cleans next Wednesday and I’ll make him drink yours, too.”

April 16

I keep thinking about what Cassandra told her friend on the phone, and debating whether I should say anything to DeShawn about it. At the party last month, he’d told everyone that I wasn’t sexually available because I was his “bitch,” but I’m not sure if that rule extends to his mother making me drink her piss — or, worse, making me drink some stranger’s piss. I haven’t worked up the nerve to say anything, though, and I probably won’t. DeShawn might get pissed if he thinks I’m dissing his mom.

April 17

Ugh, I can’t get this Cassandra situation out of my head. One thing that’s bothering me: Is her friend a man or a woman? It was impossible to tell from hearing just her half of the conversation. I suppose it doesn’t matter — DeShawn has me sucking his dick constantly now, anyway, and Cassandra’s probably going to regularly have me drinking her piss since the genie’s out of the bottle, so what difference does it make whether the person whose pee I have to drink is male or female? Piss is piss, right?

April 19

Yet another demoralizing milestone. DeShawn had me lick his ass last night for the first time. He had bits of toilet paper stuck to his bunghole and I gagged when it touched my tongue — which earned me a severe bitch-slap for being “disrespectful.” But I managed to get through it in one piece. As I do when giving blowjobs, I just closed my eyes and drifted to my happy place, blocking out the terrible world and concentrating on the dialogue from a favorite movie. Last night it was “A League of Their Own.” There’s no crying in baseball or when you’re tossing your fiancé’s boyfriend’s salad.

April 20

Well, DeShawn’s all moved in. Of course, I did all the work while he sat on his ass and directed. I had to throw out 90% of my stuff since there’s no longer room. All that’s left are my suits for work and my laptop; everything else got shitcanned, including my high school yearbooks, family mementos and almost all my casual clothes. Oh, well. I didn’t really need that stuff anyway.

April 21

When I went to Cassandra’s after work to clean last night, she introduced me to her friend, a huge woman named Violet. The lady seemed eager to make me drink her piss, although she was shy and went into the bathroom alone to pee in the cup. Cassandra made me kneel down and drink every drop before thanking her friend for the honor. Then, Cassandra decided to show off, so she made me stand still with my hands on my head while she and her friend took turns kicking me in the balls. When they finally got tired of abusing me, I was released to clean the house while they chatted in the living room.

May 2

We’ve got a new household routine. Almost every night now, DeShawn will holler “hey, bitch, come give me my propers,” which means I have to find a spot behind him and lick his ass. As you might imagine, it’s quite demoralizing to give DeShawn his “propers” when my fiancé is right there watching. Between the constant blowjobs and rim-jobs, I can’t say I don’t have a sex life anymore. It’s not exactly the kind of sex I would’ve chosen, but I do get a lot of action these days. My mouth does, anyway.

May 5

I overheard Molly talking to her mom on the phone about having kids with DeShawn. He apparently wants a big family, and she told her mom she’s glad she’ll have me around to change diapers. As strange as it seems, I felt a twinge of satisfaction hearing that. At least it means Molly wants to keep me around long-term.

May 9

Well, I feared this day was coming. DeShawn has decided to take over the wedding. He announced last night that he’s going to be my best man and he said he may get his buddies to replace my brothers in the wedding party. He says it’s going to be a “poly wedding.” I called Joel and told him he was out as best man and that DeShawn would be handling those duties. My brother cussed me out and hung up on me.

May 11

I got into a huge argument with Mom and Dad on the phone today. They said they never want to speak to me again. This has been brewing for some time in my family. I wish things were different, but they made me choose. I chose Molly. They say they can’t stand seeing how she treats me. Well, I’ve learned to live with it — fuck them if they can’t.

May 12

Now Joel and Ron aren’t coming to the wedding, so I’ve pretty much alienated my entire family. They say Molly’s making a fool out of me by having DeShawn replace Joel as my best man. I told Joel to talk to DeShawn if he has a problem with it, and he shut up right quick. The dumbass learned his lesson a few months ago when he tried to tell DeShawn to stop embarrassing the family by being so open about his affair with Molly. I learned the same lesson after Molly brought her boyfriend home for the first time and I was stupid enough to protest. The lesson? You don’t question DeShawn.

May 24

DeShawn has changed the wedding vows. It’s already written that I will promise to obey Molly, but DeShawn added the phrase “and I will obey DeShawn as well.” Then, since this will be a “poly wedding,” DeShawn is going to say a few words, pledging to love and honor Molly until death do they part. The magistrate Molly chose is quite progressive and when she ran the new vows past him, he said they’re great. The ceremony is going to be embarrassing as hell, but the whole wedding’s going to be a fucking nightmare anyway. I’ve made up my mind: I’m going to just square my shoulders and get through it, because when it’s all over Molly will be my bride. I can’t wait. She’s in love with another man but I don’t care. She’ll be my wife, and that means everything to me.
(continued below)

I have to throw this out to the community b/c I'm flabbergasted by a Buyer's request for >50% discounting on an mid-tier designer item.
So, as the dance goes, a Buyer liked an item of the holiday weekend to which I immediately responded with the standard discount for our closet. 20 hours went by without a response, so I decided to take a look at the Buyer's closet.......Hahahahahaha. What did I find you ask? Well the Buyer is Selling ultra-high end designer merch Gucci, LV, Hermes, Chanel and the like.
So here's the question................If you dropped a mortgage payment on your handbag, purchased a pair of shoes which costs as much as a decent used car, or better yet bought a scarf which is 100x the value of that which you're asking for concessions...........why the heck do you feel a Buyer would have the audacity to ask me for a 60% discount on a single-item purchase topped with discounted shipping?
Thoughts?

1. why does knox focus in her November 2 deposition on the fact that she had contact with meredith's blood traces?
   
2. why, if guede wanted to rob the cottage, did he not even bring gloves with him?
   
3. why did guede choose a house that he knew was inhabited?
   
4. how did the rock smash the glass if the shutters were closed (or at least pulled towards the window)?
   
5. how did guede leave no trace on the outside wall although the ground was wet that evening?
   
6. how did the glass get on top of the clothes even partially?
   
7. what is the substance of the luminol-illuminated footprints?
   
8. whose footprint is on the mat in the bathroom? how come his heel is not on it?
   
9. how did guede lock meredith's bedroom door if his footprints go straight to the exit?
   
10. why did meredith's friend report hearing knox tell her stepfather that she had "found meredith in the closet"?
    
11. how did knox know that meredith's throat had been cut? (in court she couldn't indicate who had given her this information)
    
12. are there other cases of ascertained tertiary dna transfers in the history of crime (outside the lab) besides sollecito's? if so, how common are they?
    
13. why, when the cottage was ransacked again (twice), did burglars gain access to it through the glass door on the terrace?
    
14. why did knox take a shower on the morning of november 2, if per her own admission she'd already had one the previous night?
    
15. why did knox call her mother in the middle of the night before the police arrived?
    
16. why did a defense witness say that sollecito had confessed to him in prison that he was present during the murder and that knox had killed meredith?
    
17. why didn't the defense consultants object to the bra clasp collection at all even though they were present?
    
18. why did knox still need the mop on the morning of the 2nd if the water had been spilled 10-12 hours earlier?
    
19. what do you make of sollecito's interest in bestiality, as confirmed by the onaosi principal?
    
20. how did knox know that meredith "fucking bled to death" on the night of 2nd?
    

Hi all- thanks for the safe space to talk about my experiences 🏳️‍⚧️. I am dependent on reading printed advocacy brochures about b hormones to keep my gender dysphoria at bay and was starting to despair after hearing that some of my most trusted allies were becoming hateful. I began to question my identity so hard that all I could think about was that I might have to withdraw entirely from the LGBT community in a few months based on my reserves. My intersectional background as a low income enby made me very reluctant to take any risks when it came to either my cancelled allies or new LGBT resource centers.
Needless to say, the summer was looking very dark as I prepared to go back into the closet after living my true self for almost a decade. After hearing some positive reports from members of this community that walking around in the ☀️sunshine☀️ wearing rainbow colored merch from a sunny little shop could naturally raise b hormone levels, I decided to take the plunge and grab some rainbow themed brooms (to sweep away the transphobic vibes). I could not believe how quickly these arrived: confirmation in less than an hour, and rainbow merch was in my hands in 4 days (this was over the holiday weekend, too).
I just read on a different lgbt related sub that folx are apparently having trouble lately, but my experience was gender affirming and hope that others is as well! Any similar stories would be greatly appreciated as I don’t want the sunshine to turn into darkness— especially during PRIDE month

A mouse died in my closet on a mouse trap (they usually avoid them for weeks on end). This time I was away on a trip for 2 weeks and came back to a faint bad smell even when I left the windows open. I cleaned my room yet it still stunk so I checked my closet, found the corpse, and disposed of it. I was airing out the room and closet with an air circulation fan for a few hours and it still stunk. I shut the closet so I don't smell it throughout the night, but I plan to keep airing it out while I'm at work. Any advice on helping the deodorizing process go faster?

I’m just trying to process this all so bare with me and hear me out. This is going to start out sounding braggy but just be patient. I’m a mess. I promise.
I am, for all intents and purposes, one of those super moms. I’m a single mother to autistic twin 3.5 year olds. We have a set schedule and a routine that we follow (and I will fight you if you try to mess with our routine or our schedule). I have a little Montessori closet/dressing station and kitchen set up that we use religiously so my girls know how to get the things we need to eat/get out the door. We have a pretty little weekly routine calendar with photo tiles I hand made. I have snacks prepared and portioned and meals for the week ready to go. My fridge is full of mason jars of rinsed and cut fruit and vegetables. My car has an emergency snack bag, a travel toy box, and a “what if all of us fell into the river and then had to go to church immediately after” disaster bag (we don’t go to church but what if). My girls attend therapy daily and they’re known as the girls with the pretty little coordinating outfits and the homemade organic snacks and the yuppie lunches and all that jazz.
And if you had told me five years ago that that’s who I and my children would be, I would have laughed in your face. If you have hinted at that future to my friends or my family or my (now ex-) husband (their father), they would have questioned your sanity. And they would have been right to do so.
But the thing is, then I had twins. I thought I was prepared. I worked in the two year old room in daycare. I could handle 15 two-year-olds solo (ratio is 8:1 but if you have two adults in a room and one adult has to change diapers, that leaves the other adult to manage the remaining 15), two should’ve been nothing. I had twins, and their dad checked out.
He didn’t leave. That probably would’ve been better. He just mentally checked out. For their first 3 months he handled one feeding a day (the one immediately after he got home from work), but then he decided he didn’t want them so I took over everything. For the next 15 months I did everything while he either went to work or sat in the house and pouted.
And all this time, I was just trying to keep my babies alive and him not upset. That’s all I wanted. But all this time I was in reaction mode. I was constantly needing four hands and having only two. I was constantly listening to one of my babies cry and knowing if I had just planned better, if I had just had their bottle or pacifier or toy ready and within arms reach, it wouldn’t matter that I was pinned helping their sister and I would’ve been able to help her faster. And while I listened to my babies cry, I would also know that their dad was listening and getting angry that a baby was crying. Not out of concern for our baby—if he were concerned he could’ve gotten up and come into the room and helped—but because a baby crying is loud and annoying and I was taking too long to make it stop.
And then I kicked him out of the house. And then I realized I actually could get my girls involved in early intervention services. Because all this time my daughters had also been failing their developmental screeners and he’d been refusing to allow them to get evaluated. And it turns out they both were 75% delayed across the board. So not only was I taking care of twin toddlers by myself, but I was also taking care of twin toddlers with the danger awareness, motor skills, communication skills, social skills, and self help skills of infants by myself. So we started all of the therapies and now I was doing the work of an occupational therapist, speech therapist, physical therapist, and behavioral therapist for two tiny humans 24/7 by myself. And the only way I could manage was to throw myself 100% into being ready and prepared.
We set our routines and schedules because my girls didn’t have the receptive language to understand verbal instructions, but they did have the pattern recognition to willingly follow along with the same set steps every day. We made our visual calendar so I could point to how the day was going to go. We prepped our meals and snacks so I could get them one handed while dealing with a meltdown. We built up our car stashes so I could handle meltdowns by myself no matter where we were and still get to where we were going looking presentable. We have our little kitchen set up so the girls can pick their plates and utensils and I can avoid the meltdown. I dress my girls in cute little coordinating outfits and feed them homemade and organic and sugar free because that’s the one tiny thing I have control over (don’t worry they will absolutely get to choose individual outfits the second they care—right now they just both love the same things so they’re happy wearing the same type of outfits in different colors. And they still get fun food too I’m making sure it doesn’t turn into an eating disorder for them type deal).
I am accused of being uptight and militant. I look uptight and militant. And impressive. I look like super mom. It looks like I’ve got it all together. But honestly, I’m hanging by a thread. I do all these things because I’m terrified. I’m terrified that if I’m not prepared, if I haven’t set the schedule and the routine and given my girls the tools to help me help them, we’ll slide back into those dark days (that I’ve honestly mostly blocked out) where my babies were crying and I just had to listen to them because I didn’t have enough hands and I wasn’t prepared ahead of time for what they’d need.
So, yeah. It’s been years since those days where my infants were crying and I just did not have enough hands and I still get a pit in my stomach at the idea of messing with my routines or my systems. I go into emergency preparedness mode. I start planning for every change months in advance to make sure I never go back to those days. It’s fine, I guess. It works. My daughters are happy and healthy and thriving. They’re getting ready to graduate from ABA therapy and move on to regular preschool with no interventions. And I do manage to do things outside our routine. As I type this we’re halfway across the US starting in my ex’s grandparents’ house for a visit because they’d never met the girls and I wasn’t sure if my ex would get around to ever making the trip. We did the three hour flight and six hour drive just the three of us. I just could do without the constant anxiety.

Hello everyone!
First of all, I appreciate you for taking the time to read this. It will be comprehensive, but to the point so let's get started.
As most of you know, I began streaming on RPAN towards the end of 2021 until November 2022 - when rpan ceased to exist. It was a glorious run, starting off with sharing my dabbing collection to the early viewers, moving on to couch seshes with my friends, back to showing the closet in a way that mixed the couch feel inside my room. This evolved to the current set up you may have seen and recognize to this date: the computer desk set up! It allowed me to run RPAN with more quality control than before. This included sharing my computer screen and music, as well as reply to comments when I could not before. This was the outline for the Twitch set up transition. I ported every detail over but with the help of my friend and investor B-Ran, he gifted me the ability to stream on Twitch using OBS. I finally got a streamcam and dedicated mic which allowed for a star guest and much more.
Without B-ran, Complexcat, whenitrainitpours, and many more of you, I would not be able to grow my Twitch/Reddit/platforms so quickly. It is super appreciated and I'm grateful you allow me to bless your day with a touch of Dabbin' Danny.
Moving to present day, I offer you my official stream launch.
"What do you mean official?" you may ask? Traditionally, people have professional lay outs on Twitch using software such as Streamlabs, etc. I worked many hours over days and months to bring you a professional Spaced Out^TM approved layout. This stream channel has many features that compete with the big dogs, and all I ask is for you to check it out! I have worked on emotes, multiple camera angles, and interacting with participating chatters. I truly believe you will not regret checking out my Twitch channel.
Click here to be instantly teleported, or search XDanny7 on Twitch!
I also wanted to explain my other forms of social media below:
(Youtube) This is where I'll be uploading content that is forever to stay, able to be shared, can be seen in more than 1 smart device. It is the butter to my bread; extra content when I can edit and upload so you can watch something in between my daily streams!
(Spaced Out Rangers Discord) This is where you can share anything you would like to a community of positive, kind, and differing interests. You can ask questions, and I'll do my best to answer them or someone else can! I encourage anyone interested in participating on stream chats/seshes when you watch LIVE!
(Twitter) This is where you can follow me to get notified more frequently about when I'll be live, any life/stream updates, and business information for collabs/deals. Won't really be actively replying here, so reach out to the discord above please.
(Linktree) This is where you can find all my links, so you can bookmark this single website to access any of my social media at any time you want. Just a reminder, this is not a notification website, so you must follow me on Twitch or Twitter.
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To summarize, you can find me on all of these links provided above and I'm only a direct message away as well. I strive to be a better engaging streamer, and will do my best on a daily basis. So don't worry, I've come to the conclusion that streaming and content creation is my passion. I'm here writing to you today to make that official. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

Hi I have been watching this thread for a while and worked up the courage to go no contact with my upwbpd (undiagnosed partner with BPD?) I need support. This is so difficult and painful. I’m scared.
My ex and I met over a decade ago and she was the first woman I was with. We drank alcoholicly and went separate ways. I went back in the closet and we reconnected four years ago when we were both sober. She was married and we spent time together as friends. Two years ago she moved back to our original city after separating from her ex wife. I had been accepted to grad school abroad and we quickly fell madly in love. We spent two years together, one year living together and one year 4000 miles apart. It was a fantasy, fairytale… European vacations, lavish dinners, the most amazing sex of our lives, and she spent more money on me than anyone I’ve known. I tried to keep up and do the same. It was a nonstop high until I moved back after a family illness. I’m from a dysfunctional family, mom was a bipolar alcoholic and much mental illness/substance abuse in my family. I’m used to being a caretaker.
I’ve been through 3-4 of her relapses:

1. The first week after dating my cat had to be put down and she was supportive but my ex was staying with me and she freaked out. We had just started seeing each other and he was one of my oldest friends, totally platonic. The day my cat was dying, she got drunk at work, called me 40x in a row, got in a car accident and the next day got fired. I couldn’t even grieve my cat bc she was in crisis. I stayed. Got more invested.
   
2. Went to meet her at an aa meeting and she was drunk driving again. I somehow managed to find her by landmarks she told me. I raced out to the suburbs to find her passed out in the front seat of her running car in the gas station. I think I saved her life. My coworker and I took her to detox a week later. She berated me but stayed.
   
3. My whole family had a cook out for my going away party. She came back to the city a day before me and drank for two days. We got in a physical fight. Not our only one. It felt intentional (relapsing when I had support.)
   
4. We had moved in after 2 months of dating after my roommate bought a condo and she got all her stuff shipped cross country. We lived together 5 months and the moment I got on the flight to go abroad she drank. Two weeks straight. Stopped working and eating. She punched the door of our apartment building out. Went into a psychosis. I noticed she had two black eyes from FaceTime. I was alone in a foreign country losing my mind. I sent 3 ppl to check on her and finally she went to the hospital w her sponsor but detoxed at home.
   

I told her if she ever drank again I was gone. That was over a year ago and she hasn’t, but I’m alone in a sublet I moved into 3 months ago bc her mental health got so bad and mine did too.
We had volatile fights in other countries when we were separating and I’d need reassurance. She did get a divorce but her ex wanted to stay with her. It was a hard situation and I started to feel really jealous and insecure, despite her turning down her ex. When I came back to our city, my dad was ill, and instead of supporting me she would blow up on me, complain about my family and how much she hated visiting.
Over time she blew up on me frequently and I became scared. She would pick fights constantly, gaslight me, take no accountability, became controlling about when we had sex, and she denied her part in most confilicts. She starred devaluing me and the last six months would go on a date w me, come home and be on her phone and ignore me. She acted like I was boring, demanding, needy, clingy when I wanted basic connection. She tore me down and my self confidence sank.
We had talked about going abroad, her going back to school and getting married. She told me all the reasons it would never work. I was miserable but in love with this person so held onto hope. My last straw was when I got faint from an asthma attack and she had already been angry at me at a movie. When we got home, she ignored me and when I mentioned it she didn’t believe I’d been sick and said “it’s always something with you!” I had spent many hours w her at the hospital and knew then I had a partner who did not know how to care about me.
I knew she was impulsive, spent tons of money, and didn’t take care of herself or me otherwise. I moved out, we continued to see each other, but this week I decided to let go. I have been ruminating, shocked at the intensity and the burnout of the last two years. I’m about to go back abroad alone and all I want to do is run.
I truly loved this woman with my entire being. My head has been obsessing and I’m seeking peace. I need to talk to others who understand. I am letting go of an abusive relationship and I’ve lost myself along the way. I have been addicted to her, but I want to make the healthy choice of taking space.
Thank you, Sad coda lesbian

I'm a closeted trans woman currently undergoing electrolysis on my face. Progress is good and I have a great technician with over 40 years experience, but due to the circumstances I can only get electrolysis done late in the evening, after which I work a graveyard shift at a nearby warehouse. After a two hour session followed by a several hours working in the cold night air, my face can get *very* red and irritated on the following day, and my family have started to notice and voice concerns about my face occasionally erupting into a sudden rash. Does anyone have any advice for how to keep from looking like I've eaten a scarlet red crayon the day after I get electro done?

I’ll try to make this long story short. Found mold on a part of whatever machine is in the HVAC closet. Called someone to come over and he went into the attic and found “mold” in all of the air ducts. He replaced them. We had a bad feeling about him because we paid him $2,800 for materials and he ghosted us for like a week. Then came back and did SOME duct work. Then came back like 4 days later to do the rest. When he left (in a rush) the AC never turned off. For like 2 hours it just ran. I had another professional come today and he said the guy left all the ducts unsealed and something about the boots being exposed? Our AC now turns off and on every couple minutes. Thermostat is less than a year old. He also removed bags of insulation idk what reason. He’s not wanting to answer any questions about why it’s acting up suddenly. He does have a boss but apparently he did this on the side (wtf?) and said his boss had nothing to do with it. I seriously don’t know what to do. I live in Texas and it was a almost 90 IN the house. Is there something he might have messed up on purpose?

About two months ago, we had a soffit put above a closet area to bring the opening to a standard closet door size. When this was completed, textured, primed and painted, we noticed a texture/mud/chemical smell in the room, but assumed it would dissipate so we waited several weeks, with no change. Tried painting it with multiple coats of Kilz, Recon, paint, etc with no change.
Fed up, we had another contractor rip out the soffit and replace it, but this time we just had them go to the texture so we could be sure it was fully dry. We let it dry about a week and there was no smell in the room, or at worst a slight smell, but generally much better. We painted a coat of Kilz Premium on it and let dry for almost 48 hours, then painted a second coat and let it dry for 48 hours, and then a coat of paint, and it seemed fine for a few days.
At this point though, the smell is returning about a week now after the priming/painting was completed. At this point we're not sure what's going on. On the first soffit we could clearly smell this near the textured sized of the soffit (facing the room), but nothing on the untextured interior side (facing the closet). Even, now, we still smell it near the soffit on the side facing the room, despite being a completely new soffit constructed. We double checked the smell on the primepaints we used and they just smell like paint (not moldy or anything).
Thoughts? When the smell first was there, we looked around Google/Reddit and assumed it was bad texture/mud or was painted too quickly by the contractor before it could fully dry. However, this time, we mitigated against that, and we're still getting a smell. The smell seems to be getting worse daily and is now slightly noxious and headache inducing if we're in the room too long, even though the room has an air purifier running 24/7 and we often leave the door open too for ventilation.
Any advice or things to check would be appreciated. Thanks!

Beginner's Guide

So you want to start growing cannabis, but have no idea where to start?

Items you will need

We also have starter shopping lists put together here that can help you pick a light & tent appropriate for your grow area & # of plants.

• Seeds or start with some from your last sack (but you never know what you're going to get with those). Here is a discussion on Autoflower vs Photoperiod.
• Growing medium- Soil (Fox Farms Growing media is popular), Rockwool, Coco, Perlite, and Clay Pellets. Avoid anything that advertises "extended" or "slow" release nutrients in the soil or claims of multiple-months of nutrients.
• Lights & a Light Timer
• Ventilation
• Nutrients - Fox Farms Trio, Advanced Nutrients, and many others. Anything that claims "extended" or "slow" release is a bad idea for cannabis.
• Pots with good drainage - Anything with holes in the bottom of it. Many people use cloth pots or 5 gallon buckets.
• pH Tester and/or PPM Tester for testing your water and nutrient mix.
• Jeweler's loupe or microscope for looking at trichomes

Grow Area

Next, you need to determine where your grow will take place. Will it be your closet, attic, basement, custom grow box, etc.? The ideal place needs to be well ventilated and large enough to grow plants to your desired height and width whilst having lighting, fans, and other equipment in there as well. Also, keep in mind that you don't want any light leaks, this is important for stealth and flowering reasons.
Once you have chosen your designated grow area, make sure you have thoroughly cleaned it, painted the walls white or hang reflective material. You do not want a dirty grow room.
Once you have prepared the room, you can now begin to install your lights and ventilation. Be sure that everything is sturdy and done properly. If you half ass this, it's possible that later on in your grow something could fall and destroy your crop. Take your time and do it right.
Keep your lights close as you can. A simple test to see if they are too close is to place your hand at the top of your plant and hold it there for 30 seconds. If your hand does not burn from the heat, neither will the plant
Types of lighting to be used and how much to use:

• Light Emitting Diode (LED) panels/bars (non-Blurple) - 30-40 watts per ft2 (real wattage, not LED advertised w) use these
• High Intensity Discharge (HID) (HPS, MH, CMH) - 50-80 watts per ft2. These were used prior to LEDs entry-level costs becoming reasonable. Still a solid choice, but harder to control the environment due to the large amount of heat from the light.
• Compact Fluorescent Lights (CFL) - at least 80 watts per ft2 (real wattage, not equivalent)
• T5 Fluorescent Lighting - 80-100W+ per ft2 per sq ft needed
• Incandescent and anything not listed here as something to use - do not use

Planting your first seeds

This is usually where a lot of mistakes take place, so please read this carefully.
There are several ways to germinate your seeds. Placing them inside or on top of a damp paper towel in a dark place), drop them in a shot glass. Or just simply planting them in dirt. Put them in a soaked rockwool cube.
To germinate in dirt you want to start off in a small growing container. Wet the soil first, stick your pinky about half way down then drop 1 seed in. Cover the hole lightly, don't compact the dirt too much. Now, place it under your lighting for 24 hours a day. It may take up to 10 days before it sprouts, so be patient. Seeds don't always sprout, if it's been 15 days and still no show you can probably call it quits and plant a new seed.
Once you have a sprouted seed, water as needed.

Vegetation Period

Soon, your plant will out root the small container it's in You will need to transplant it into a much larger container. Prepare your new, large, drain-able pot. Take the container your plant is in, and gently bend the sides. What this does is break off any dirt or roots that are touching the inside walls. Now that you have done this, you can carefully and slowly turn the cup upside down and the contents of the cup will slide right out. You can break off some of the dirt, but do not let any of the roots be exposed to light. They will dry out and die. Quickly, place your plant into the new pot. Give it a nice watering and place it back into the grow room under 24-on/0-off hours of lighting (or 18/6). Your plant will probably not grow for a day or so, this is normal after transplanting.
It is important that you keep your plants under a strict 24/0 or 18/6 lighting schedule during the vegetation period. If they get too long a dark period they will begin to flower.

Watering and Nutrients and pH, oh my

Water your plant when the soil is dry. This is the #1 mistake new growers make - they water too often. Overwatering is not "giving the plant too much water" it is "giving the plant water too often." There are two simple steps to watering cannabis:

1. Wait until the soil is dry a knuckle or so deep (use your finger, poke a hole, feel the dirt).
2. Add water until you see some drain out the bottom of your pot. Go to step 1.

Nutrients should be used carefully and correctly. Follow the dosing schedule provided by your nutrient line, but ramp up the amount slowly. It is not suggested you start with the full dosage right away, but something like 1/4, then 1/2, and so on. Furthermore, it is also not recommended to use nutrients with every watering. Most alternate or put two plain-water feedings in between a nutrient-water feeding.
pH testing is important as all the nutrients you are feeding your plant will only be absorbed by the roots under the proper conditions, and those proper conditions are dictated by the pH of the nutrient mix and the soil. Test your water before adding nutrients, test your nutrient mix, and test your run-off. You want the nutrient+soil mixture to be in the 6.3-6.8 range for soil. You want the nutrient mix to be in the 5.5-6.1 range for a hydroponic set up. Consult these charts for more information. You may need to obtain pH up or pH down products to regulate the water and/or nutrient mix to achieve the correct pH balance.

Training

There are many ways to train your plant to increase the yield. Use one or multiple of these techniques to create more tops/colas (budsites) or to promote stronger stalks and more vigorous nutrient uptake.

• Low Stress Training aka LST - tying your plant down to expose more of the undergrowth to direct light, and thus promote more yield
• SCReen Of Green aka SCROG - train your plant into a screen/net to provide an even canopy of buds
• Topping or Fimming - cutting the top off of a stalk to split it into two stalks
• Super Cropping - bending/breaking/snapping the stalks to promote a more vigorous nutrient uptake after the plant heals itself

It is very important that you do this during vegetation and not in flowering. Abuse them in veg, treat them like princesses in flowering.
You can keep your plant in vegetation as long as you wish. However, most people have space limitations. The key is, grow your plants to about half of your space limits (remember to add space for your light and space for cool air beneath the light). The plants tend to double (or sometimes triple) in height in the early flowering stage. After 2-3weeks of flowering most will have hit their maximum height.

Cloning

Cloning is a rather easy and faster alternative compared to planting seeds every cycle. Typically, you should cut your clones a couple weeks prior to flowering to give the mother plant a chance to heal and regrow. Here is a thorough guide on cloning.

Flowering Period

In order to activate flowering, you will need to switch your lighting schedule to a strict 12/12 schedule. This means 12 hours of light and 12 hours of pure darkness Any light leaks can cause damage, please be sure it's dark.
You will also want to start adding your blooming/flowering nutrients of your choice. Again, it might be a safe idea to start off small and work your way up to the suggested amount.
After about a week or two, you will also be able to determines its sex. It is a very easy thing to do. If you are not sure on the sex, post pictures and ask the community.
If you get any males, you will need to chop them down and get rid of it. The reason for this is, if those pollen sacks pop, the pollen will spread and the females will become covered with his pollen. To simplify this, she will then produce seeds within her bud and the bud will be less potent. Ideally, you want a non pollinated female, she will produce the strongest and best weed.
As flowering proceeds, you will notice translucent trichomes appear. This is how you will judge when your grow is ready to be harvested. This is ultimately up you depending on what type of high you are looking for. You can expect these to appear around 6-8 weeks or even 10-12 weeks on some strains. Patience is virtue.

Harvesting

Chop and then cure the buds.

Closing Remarks

Growing marijuana is a fun hobby and the outcome is very rewarding. However, it is hard and you need to be dedicated before getting started.
​
This guide was originally put together by Up_High, with updates/reworking by hsi__. Many thanks the original author and everyone who contributed.

I got a questions for those who are only child and can relate and give me advice.
I lost my mom 3 days ago and she was all the family I had I'm 25 going on to 26 in June and while we have many family friends and my girl and my best friend were their for me I still feel alone. My father and me hate each other and he hates her didn't show up to the funeral.
My question is did I do good. My mom died at a party she was a very sickly lady and I always told her to chill and relax and to take care but she always loved to party even at 64. She drank some vodica and took some zans and didn't wake up. I got the valley at 3am on Saturday and we warped everything up by Tuesday.
Me and my mom were dirt poor in and out of friends homes some times hitting a good streak and living in apt. But once I moved away to find a better job to help her she decided to live with the closet friends we had that were family.
I was always busy so I didn't see her much and she would always call me. But I worked over time saving up a little dime to give her a life she deserved. The last time we spoke it was 3 hours before she died. The last thing she told me was that she loved me very much and couldn't wait to see me next week and I told her the same.
But I feel nothing but regret and hatred and shame for myself cause I couldn't do more she died poor. And I gave her money as much as I could range every month between 200$ to 3k for 4 years but I was alone doing this by myself.
What I think I'm asking for was did I do good was she proud of me, everyone says she alway talked about me since I out classed all the other kids I am the most successful having my own business and was planning to buy a house soon to bring her with me etc. But why do I feel like I failed I always wished for a older sibling to help me but my parent silpt after I was born.
I have a older sister from my dad side who loves my mom as much as me but she lives in Cuba and didn't have papers.

Hi! I’m currently a graduated highschool senior who is starting college classes mid-July so I don’t have any serious or pressing responsibilities atm. I find it a lot easier for me to stay disciplined when I have a schedule (like with school for example) and an allotted time for certain things. Whenever I am actually busy, there’s so many hobbies and interests I can think of wanting to explore, but when I do end up having a lot of free time they either no longer seem as appealing or I am unsure of how to approach it on my own. This week in particular I’ve been working on cleansing and organizing my environment so I’m in the mental state to “add on” things whether that be habits or whatnot. My room and closet are accounted for as having been reorganized and old things given away. Today I revisited my goals and set clear and specific ones for the rest of the year, but they aren’t things that require hours of work everyday. I set up my monthly journal layout for June, including 5 habits I want to track (exercise, minimal screentime, etc.) These are all great things, but it’s unrealistic for me to be productive for majority of the day without something like a class to be studying for or a job that I’m working in; so my question is how do I structure and use so much free time in a way that will improve me as a person and have a potential positive effect on my future (career, education, etc.)?
For reference I have interests in language learning and reading which are areas I can work on, but not realistically for the whole day. I am also a prospective law student after undergrad and interested in the subject of psychology :) thank you for any responses!

Post might be a little incoherent because i've had a lot of caffeine to try to study for my exam tomorrow. Hoping that typing this out will help me clear my head.
My BF's video game addiction has gradually taken over his life. We've been together for a little less than a year. I've always been supportive of my BF's gaming, even picking up some of the games he plays most often or asking to play multiplayer games together in order to increase the time we spend together (I used to game when I was in middle school but I sort of grew out of it until I started dating him). I started watching E-sport tournaments with him and getting into the hype. So, know that I'm not against video gaming itself.
For as long as I've known my BF, he's always been the type to choose a night in with a designated game over a night out with friends. I thought that was totally understandable initially but he gradually started declining more and more things that involved leaving his room/apartment. Eventually, we've gotten to the point of only leaving his room to buy beers, a ready meal. a frozen pizza, or KFC. He now spends almost every waking hour gaming/watching streams/on tiktok. On occasion, he will suggest going out for dinner, to which I always say yes, appreciatively. We go out to a restaurant, it's always brief. Then he returns home to game more.
He also began to drink more and more. Beginning with wine bottles (I still don't understand how he kept opting for the cheap grocery store white wine over any other drink) and progressing to 12 packs of beers. I don't really keep track of how many he drinks per day, but I think I've seen him buy a 12 pack in the afternoon and then seen about 7 empty cans on his desk by the end of the day. He doesn't really act any differently when drinking, as in he isn't abusive or mean, he's the exact same. My sole issue with this is the damage to his health. He has stopped cooking for himself, citing the fact that he "can't be assed" with cooking. We got gym memberships together around 5 months ago, and he stopped going after the first month but continues to pay because he's "planning to go soon". His room goes through periods of being extremely untidy (large quantities of beer cans, clothes on floor, unpacked suitcase doubling as a closet, food crumbs, dirty plate (he only has one), many many empty plastic bottles, used tissues). These periods usually end with me offering to clean up, because I dont really mind cleaning and I always think it might give him a morale boost to see a clean room. We both do the same course in uni, and I know he's only been to 4 lectures this entire year. He manages to pass online exams/coursework with the help of his coursemates. He ghosts his family, he worries about his health but refuses to go see a doctor, I accidentally got him into weed, he sleeps for 10 hours at a time (always varying hours of the day), sometimes more.
This is pretty much what I mean when I say it seems like he doesn't put any effort into any aspect of his life besides video games and occasionally our relationship. I have considered that he may be suffering from something that I'm not aware of. I've had long long talks with him about this. We discussed the possibility of him being depressed, to which he said maybe but he really doesn't think so. He claims this is the lifestyle he currently enjoys. He has pretty nonchalant responses to all of his habits when I bring them up. Drinking: "being sober is boring", Uni: "first year doesn't count, I'll try hard next year", exercise: "I'll do it tomorrow", diet: "CBA to cook". And listen, I can honestly understand most of these responses (except for the drinking one), and I think they're valid ONLY if it's a once in a while thing. The uni thing I can understand too, but I personally don't agree with paying to go to uni just to cheat your way through first year... Plus, I feel like completely neglecting all of these aspects all at once for a really long period is more of a refusal to put effort into your life.
I'm never really hesitant to communicate if I have an issue with my BF. I've tried my best to bring up my issues with all of this in non-overwhelming, non-attacking ways. I started with asking if anything was bothering him, casually asking about the trash in his room/plans to go out/plans to do anything. I mentioned my opinions on uni/constantly drinking/eating junk food. I, too, like to indulge. I just think there's a lot of overindulging going on. I suggested he see a counsellotherapist, which may have been a mistake because he took that as me saying there was something mentally wrong with him and felt insulted. I began to lose sexual attraction to him. Combined with my already pretty low sex drive, this made me stop wanting sex altogether. This was a relatively big deal for him. He said he totally understood and didn't want me to feel pressured to have sex. But after about a month he admitted this could be a dealbreaker in the long run. This is where I told him that I felt his lack of effort in his life had contributed to my lack of sexual attraction, and I had stopped being able to see a future with him if things continued, and I repeated that I felt he should try to put effort into at least one area of his life besides gaming. This led him to spiral and focus on the fact that his GF didn't find him attractive and saw him as a "loser". I tried to reassure him that I didn't say either of those things, and that my only issue was his lack of effort. He freaked out about me not seeing things long term, which I think is fair, because nobody wants to hear that from their SO. I tried to explain that I just couldn't see him, in his current state, fitting into a future where I strive to achieve my goals in fitness/academics/career. He's still acting off from this discussion, and I get that, but I felt I had to be honest.
I feel like I've become a sort of weird mother figure. I think I'm a pretty laid-back person (apart from being a bit of a neat freak) and I never thought I'd be the one to nag someone else to improve their life, and it feels very uncomfortable. I know it's his life and he gets to choose how he lives it, but it feels like I've enabled him to live a really unhealthy life because I've always said I accepted him completely until recently. Perhaps I've led him to think that it's okay to spend every waking hour gaming, binge drinking, and never leaving his room. I really don't want to nag him and tell him what to do, and I know it's pointless to try to change someone else, but it feels so wrong to watch him destroy himself, especially as one of his closest relationships (he has friends who he games with but they don't know about his lifestyle) and probably the only one who witnesses his behaviour at home (his 3 other flatmates do not talk to each other, and his family have always minded their own business).
I don't really want to give up on the relationship just yet. I still think he's a lovely person. He's nice and funny and well-mannered. We have good laughs and inside jokes and stuff like that, formed when he's in between games. He claims he's willing to try to change, but has little faith in himself. (He's said this before). I personally often feel a lot of anxiety that I'm wasting my own life away and time is always ticking, and this whole thing might just be me projecting. I don't know. What could I do to help? or do I ignore everything because it isn't my place? In that case, how do I stop feeling this way?
Sorry for the long read, became more of a get-this-off-my-chest thing
TL:DR My BF has slowly begun spending almost every waking hour gaming and I don't know how to feel about it anymore

I enjoy going to places like plato's closet and Basura! But I wanted to know what’s some of y’all’s favorites :)