Coming up on 20 years. Second marriage for both of us. Children Hers 1 (26)mine 2 (25)-(22) and ours (18). I am no saint. My first marriage I had an affair. It was a bad marriage almost from the start that I think lack of self esteem for both of us kept us in for 12 years. Yes the children came later in that marriage. We dated briefly and married 4 months into. I work long hours and occasionally out of town. The first time was shortly after the birth of our son. I can’t exactly remember how I found out but I believe it was the phone. 2008 happens with the housing market, She ruptures several discs in her back, my industry goes out on strike. We lose everything. Through marriage counseling (many weeks and many counselors) we worked through it. We’re both alcoholics (functional) at the time and both have tough childhoods. Several years later an old girlfriend reaches out to me and pretty much have an emotional affair. I get caught ( phone again) and I am confronted. I admit to it and never slept with her but of course that isn’t believed. I stop and continue counseling to try to fix what is broken. I quit alcohol and attend meetings (NA) to figure out what’s the behavior that I’m trying to medicate.
We both dive into work and she gets involved with a non profit organization. There’s always fundraising events and mixers that I’m never around to attend with her and of course alcohol. I end up going on location out of state for 8 weeks. Things are ok at the time and we have connection while I’m out of town. Calling almost daily. Life’s good 👏 so I thought. While I’m out of town she starts hanging around a friend who’s an alcoholic and was going around hooking up on hook up sights and constantly boasting on all the fucking she’s getting. One weekend before I come home the wife is unavailable. I always seem to get “gut” feelings with this stuff. I come home and after a week or two I see her phone on the table and decide to look. Talks of having to cool it with someone on the board of directors as to not raise suspicions. And a sleepover with my husband calling over and over. Life Blows up and I confront. Denies denies denies. I’m paranoid. Turns it around and never admits it. Again more work on myself Months later my wife tests positive for the breast cancer gene and with her strong family history decides to have a double mastectomy. At the time she was helping an elderly couple and had befriended this family. They lover her like a daughter. One of their children committed suicide and had another son in their family. This goes on for months and everything seemed ok as she even took our youngest over for visits. Surgery after surgery with reconstruction and still helping this family one day the youngest son commits suicide. My wife is devastated. She’s blaming herself for it because she was the last one to see him alive. She said that he wasn’t doing well and needed someone to talk to. Truth be told it was right after they had lunch together and she told him that she wanted to give me one last chance because I was turning my life around and I was a good man. He went home and shot himself.
The mother was calling hysterically, and that she couldn’t get a hold of her son. My wife and over to the apartment and the door was locked so she called the police. The police went in and everybody found him. For weeks and weeks hysterics sobbing and all the time I was there telling her it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t have stopped him when somebody decides to do that you can’t change their mind. She wasn’t invited to the funeral. The family was blaming her, and I had no idea why.
Several months later, I was out of town and I heard on the ring camera her in the kitchen with a friend telling her how much she loved him and how crushed she was. So I decided to confront her asking her. Did you love him she replied, not the way you think he was there for me and made me believe in myself I said all that time I was consoling you telling you it wasn’t your fault staying up with you all night with your pain and your tears, you were having an affair with him boy did I feel stupid. She finally decided to get sober.
She started a program. She realize that driving the children around and being a drunk wife wasn’t good I just see my life changed for the better. She wanted the same. So here we are five years later we moved out of state I still work in California. I drive home on weekends unless there’s work. AGAIN…… there’s that gut feeling. Shortly after the new year I realize there was car had come by. I figured it was one of the clients from her work didn’t think much of it came over a few times as a matter fact OK maybe it’s work related. At one point this gentleman came over she invited them in and about two hours later he left with her saying bye love. This weekend or should I say this past weekend I look at the camera and lo and behold at 11 o’clock at night on Friday there is This guy is coming over and she goes out to the car with him and brings him in to my house. He leaves at 6 o’clock in the morning, The next day, the same person brings a package over to the house and goes to walk in like he owns the place. With the front door locked he goes to enter the apartment in the front ,both locked. She comes outside goes to the car or somebody else’s and five minutes later comes back in the house.
I noticed her wedding ring isn’t on all the time on the ring camera and of course, her texts and her passwords are none of my business. I’m starting to go distant. I know this is marriage is done. I keep getting asked what’s wrong what’s wrong but I’m not gonna do this long-distance. I’m not gonna do it over the phone. I’m going confront her at home. I guess this is a long story, but I’m looking for advice how do I confront her? Do I give her enough to her to hang her self or do I just straight out say I know what you’re doing and see what happens and then lay out the proof. Nobody I talk to you can tell me any reason why a man would come over at 11 o’clock at night and leave in the morning besides what it is!! With work slowing down and the possibility of a strike I may have to stay in the apartment until the dust settles but until then , until Saturday I have to play nice and try not to raise any ideas. How would you confront your spouse? Any and all ideas are welcome.

Currently, I am 5’10 and weight about 171 lbs. my main goal is to add lean muscle and lose my belly fat. I know that eating well-balanced meals are a good start. I’ve been trying low-carb/clean eating since January.
Here is my dilemma. I’m shooting for about 125-150g of protein per day. I struggle to break 100g most days. I’ve been intermittent fasting for a number of years (16:8). My feeding window is from 11-7pm. I get up at 6am every morning, and do some sort of dumbbell or HITT or a combination of the two type of workout for at least 30 minutes. That’s generally 6 days a week with Sunday being my rest day. After the workout, I know it’s recommended to get some sort of protein into your system. The problem is, I’m in my fasting window until 11am.
How should I try to address this? I want to add more muscle and I know that requires more protein but I’m unable to get that much in all day.
Any guidance is appreciated.
Sidebar - I’ve got Crohn’s disease so I have to be mindful of my diet to begin with.

The basic question is whether I am unreasonable for desiring a certain amount of communication in my cross-country (4-time-zone difference) relationship between a lawyer (me, M28) and a busy second-year law student (my partner, F26). My desired amount of communication would be 2-3 calls/FaceTime sessions (ranging between 20 minutes and 1.5 hours per session) per week, depending on what's going on in our schedules, and at least three text check-ins per day with some details about how her day is going, with one ideally occurring in morning, one in the afternoon, and one before bed (again, depending on schedules).
Is this unreasonable to want or expect? See below for the much longer story of our relationship if you think more context is helpful.
--
We started dating over four years ago when we lived in the same city. I was working a busy job that required about 70-80 hours of week with usually no full days off, and she worked about 40 hours a week with weekends off. We worked at the same place but had quite different jobs. Moved in together after about two months of dating, so pretty soon. About 2.5 years into the relationship, she went to law school about 2 hours away, and we had a mostly long-distance relationship. However, due to covid I was able to spend some weeks at a time with her and work from her place during her first semester. During her second semester, I had to be in person at work more, so we were mostly long distance. She also requested that I spend less time with her in person so she could focus on school more. In the beginning, it wasn't too bad because we would FaceTime almost every night before she went to bed, but eventually she got too busy with school so we reduced the frequency of talking on the phone or FaceTiming to probably a couple times a week (with weekend visits once every month or so).
About 3.5 years into the relationship, I was in a very dark place due to my job and took a new job across the country (4 time zones and about 13 hours of travel by air away from her). My current job is temporary (one year, and I'm already more than halfway done, but we likely will still be long distance when I move back to her time zone later this year). She is now a second-year law student. I now have A LOT more time (I work 40-50 hours a week) and she seems to have a lot less time even though she already has her post-school job lined up. Most of her time is spent reading for class, going to class, being a leader on several high-stress student activities (law journal, trial team, and a couple of others), and hanging out with her friends. We talk on the phone (not FaceTime) once per week while she cleans, usually for 1-2 hours. Most days, she texts me a couple of times through the day, but it won't usually be until late afternoon or early evening her time (so early to mid-afternoon my time) and then she may or may not text me before she goes to bed. Her texts are usually extremely short in nature (e.g., "Went to class and am reading. Had a meeting for X activity today.") as opposed to giving me details (e.g., what she ate, who she hung out with, how she felt that day, how her exercise was, what her friends are up to, what she learned in class). That's usually it.
I raised my concerns multiple times about how I want more frequent communication with her in line with what I outlined above. The response is usually that she'll try to communicate a little more, but she reiterates how busy she is and how little time she has for anything at all and can barely take care of herself. I get that, as I too went to law school. She also says she "isn't good at long distance" and "doesn't know how to communicate in a long distance relationship." Further, she says she expects it to get better once she's a third-year law student, but she is going to have my old job (the 70-80 hour per week job) after she graduates, so I am not optimistic about this in the long term. I know my experience in school is not the same as hers, but I worked four part-time jobs while in law school, was also a student leader, studied my butt off, and still somehow found time to maintain a relationship for two of my three years in law school. For example, she'll occasionally have dinner with her friends but then might not even send me a one-line text telling me goodnight that night. And if she does, she'll say "Had dinner with X" but then provide no details. On some rare occasions, she doesn't text at all in a day, and all I can do is check her location before I go to bed to confirm that she is at home and not in a ditch somewhere. Am I being unreasonable for wanting and expecting more? Are my desires unnecessarily controlling or restraining?
I plan on moving back to her time zone later this year, but we likely will continue to be in a long distance relationship (probably between 2 and 5 hours' driving distance) apart for the next 2-4 years. I want to make sure my needs are being met without putting undue stress or pressure on her. I also feel like discussing this again--we've already discussed it several times--won't do anything beyond make her feel bad or upset (which is not what I want) and won't actually produce any change.
Finally, part of me wonders if she is resentful of me. We've been working through a major issue for about two years now related to having children. I told her when we started dating I would be okay with having kids (she wants kids) and then changed my tune about 1.5 years in. This was NOT okay for me to do, and I've taken full responsibility and am doing everything I can to make up for my mistake and heal so I can want children (or let her know definitively ASAP if I cannot get to that point). I've been in therapy for complex childhood-induced PTSD the last two months to work on this issue, and we've decided to stay together while I work through my internal issues. Our plan is to have a serious discussion concerning this issue and our relationship's future later this year when I move back to her time zone.
Thank you!

What was supposed to be the steady buffer job to keep lights on has become a fucking joke and I'm losing money on it, really. It took me two months of persistent applying to get this gig, so kind of terrified to once again be in work limbo like that. But waking up this morning on the verge of being violently ill thinking about going in tomorrow was kind of the final sign it's time to get the hell out of dodge. Apparently the mild human rights violation, breach of privacy, and fact that I applied and interviewed for Job A, they said "sorry, we're not actually hiring for that anymore, can we put you on Job B" and yet are still seeking folks for Job A" weren't good enough signs.
Fingers crossed for me they pay out my two weeks (as possible in our contract) and I can just walk the fuck away Friday?
The last job I left I'd been there seven years. Not even making it to three months probationary at this place is breaking my brain a wee bit.

My friend had her period and went to the doctor as she will be doing a medicated IUI. She was given clomid 100mg for 5 days which she took at the exact time all days. She went to the ultrasound and checks 3 days after and everything was good so the doctor said they could proceed with the trigger shot for tomorrow and insemination for Saturday. However a few minutes ago she said she had bled. While it isn’t heavy it is not something she has experienced and has been panicking that she won’t be able to do the IUI this month. We called the doctor and they said it is sometimes normal and they said if she feels unsure my friend can go in tomorrow morning to get checked out.
My question is did any of you experience this?

I love my husband but he has not impressed me as a father. I don’t plan on having more children with him. For context, my kid is 3.
My husband thinks he has a good bond with our kid. Yet they never do anything. He never takes him to places. He never plays with him on the floor at home. He rarely helps with bedtime or morning routines. I shared with him how concerned I am about their bond after my son said “you love me. Dad does not love me.”
Anyone else feels shocked at how their barely involved husbands feeling satisfied about how close they are with their kids???

Time sure flies, doesn't it? We are about to ring in a brand new year, and as we do so, the release of Grand Theft Auto V is now more than six years old (and is fast approaching five years on PC). Given the time that has elapsed, it is certainly possible (maybe even plausible) that Rockstar Games is deep in development on Grand Theft Auto VI. To that end, a supposed QA tester claims to have the skinny on the next installment.
We should preface this information with a disclaimer. There is no way of knowing if the supposed QA tester is what the person claims to be, or if any of the leaked details are accurate. All we know is that it's been a long time since the last Grand Theft Auto gaming (though Grand Theft Auto Online has been receiving continued updates and support).
What is interesting about the situation, though, is the anonymous source first posted the leak on Reddit, and it was removed by the moderators. It's not clear if perhaps Rockstar Games pressured the mods to take down the content. All that said, let's jump into it.
The folks at Dexerto managed to preserve the post. According to the original poster, the map in GTA VI is "huge" and covers to major cities, those being Carcer City and Vice City. Carcer City is based on Boston, and Vice City is based on Miami.
According to the leaker, GTA V is a "schoolyard playground" compared to the massive map in GTA VI. The leakers says Rockstar Games improved the weather effects and polished things up, borrowing from its experience on Red Dead Redemption 2.
"The map is huge, like stupendously huge, hence the game's emphasis on air travel. It makes GTA 5 look like a schoolyard playground. There is an array of atmospheric effects that bring out the life in everything. Light pollution, hurricane winds, morning fog, etc. I've never seen an open world game this realistic before," the leaker wrote.
Grand Theft Auto V Plane and Traine
Assuming all that is accurate, it would be a good opportunity to inject real-time ray tracing into the mix, though there is no mention of that. Instead, the focus is on the size of the map. The leaker says it's so big that it's "a little awkward traveling from Boston to Miami," in part because there are no other major cities in between them, in the game. Expect a lot of air travel, if that's the case.
The leaker also says GTA VI will again put players in control of multiple characters, just like in GTA V. One of the protagonists is said to be "an undercover cop or something," and other might possibly be a sibling. In addition, the leaker says Rockstar Games "complete revamped" the mission design.
"You can permanently abandon some missions or take different routes that sprout different consequences," the leaker says.
For more supposed details, you can check out this screen capture on Imgur, uploaded by another Reddit user (Colonize-Mars).

https://imgur.com/a/vilLnrT
Tired of waiting for that sweet SureShot goodness to show up on your front porch,well boy do I have a deal for you. Selling a OD sureshot 2.1 chassis for the akm reciever type. Comes with 3 day shipping. Will ship tmr morning if it goes tonight!
SV: $450
If you have any questions or wish to reach out PM me only, NO CHATS
PP or Venmo F&F no notes
Crossposted

TOP TRADERS

##Overall Ranking Name Score Ranking Name Score Ranking Name Score Ranking Name Score Ranking Name Score :------::-----:----- :------::-----:----- :------::-----:----- :------::-----:----- :------::-----:----- 1  u/Gasenos 226933 11 u/Doses_of_Happiness 46608 21 u/MyNameSpaghette 24665 31 u/matuhx 15414 41 u/Zombiepixlz-gamr 10842 2 u/sponge_hitler 153754 12 u/pineapple_overlord 41846 22 u/CritzD 23428 32 u/KushPatil 15164 42 u/Olipop999 10430 3 u/Short_Shots 113586 13 u/Ralle1998 40209 23 u/Umber0010 23149 33 u/dhtikna 14947 43 u/2D_DoS 10252 4 u/rad302 86964 14 u/mistermuesli 38664 24 u/Large-Wheel-4181 21389 34 u/acidcomplex_ 14002 44 u/Allonsy_11 9493 5 u/Good_Apartment_9992 85954 15 u/Mugiwara_AF 38137 25 u/rosesan 19065 35 u/ncroney12 13654 45 u/CyberDalek6401 9211 6 u/chaosgiantmemes 85899 16 u/BlitzTaco 37379 26 u/blaZikeN_257 17184 36 u/occultmoon 13130 46 u/GnelforGnoblin 9175 7 u/iamscythed 64008 17 u/razhagever 30124 27 u/NovaAge 17100 37 u/Kermit_Ur_Life 11992 47 u/Plastic_Pinocchio 8942 8 u/m_preddy 54500 18 u/TheMamoru 28936 28 u/PosterQ 16599 38 u/Regis_Casillas 11815 48 u/NervigerWutbuerger 8689 9 u/3D_Guernsey 51861 19 u/Mr60Gold 27649 29 u/SubsubatomicGuy 16407 39 u/976chip 11750 49 u/JetZflare25 8367

10 u/Useless_Archives 48050 20 u/Hangzhounike 26045 30 u/BaldTuesdays 16407 40 u/CodyGriffin 11394 50 u/multipurposeflame 8304

Top Crafters

Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score
1 	u/Gasenos	64447	11	u/Large-Wheel-4181	10796	21	u/Useless_Archives	5709	31	u/rosesan	4473	41	u/superstonks	3513
2	u/rad302	25634	12	u/Doses_of_Happiness	10636	22	u/Sonorational	5502	32	u/KushPatil	4284	42	u/c0mp0op3r	3495
3	u/Short_Shots	23187	13	u/Mugiwara_AF	9464	23	u/Umber0010	5498	33	u/blaZikeN_257	4252	43	u/KaleBennett	3402
4	u/chaosgiantmemes	21487	14	u/Allonsy_11	9141	24	u/Zombiepixlz-gamr	5425	34	u/matuhx	4170	44	u/Thecloud420	3353
5	u/sponge_hitler	17674	15	u/Ralle1998	8085	25	u/Hangzhounike	5211	35	u/_Open_Your_Mind_	4148	45	u/PosterQ	3328
6	u/pineapple_overlord	17501	16	u/Mr60Gold	7761	26	u/acidcomplex_	4752	36	u/CaesarWalinguini	3968	46	u/CyberDalek6401	3314
7	u/Good_Apartment_9992	16614	17	u/BlitzTaco	7525	27	u/JetZflare25	4713	37	u/MyNameSpaghette	3863	47	u/BaldTuesdays	3285
8	u/iamscythed	14686	18	u/MemeCalendar	7448	28	u/GinjaNinjaYT	4706	38	u/JD_Justice	3857	48	u/KlerWatchCo	3249
9	u/3D_Guernsey	11334	19	u/TheMamoru	6351	29	u/CritzD	4700	39	u/NovaAge	3852	49	u/dhtikna	3002
10	u/m_preddy	11009	20	u/mistermuesli	5901	30	u/FoxTrotPlays	4619	40	u/Hammerman305	3548	50	u/666thSuprisedPikachu	2828

Top Distributors

Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score	Ranking	Name	Score
1 	u/Gasenos	162486	11	u/Doses_of_Happiness	35972	21	u/Mr60Gold	19888	31	u/matuhx	11244	41	u/CodyGriffin	9097
2	u/sponge_hitler	136080	12	u/mistermuesli	32763	22	u/CritzD	18728	32	u/ncroney12	10918	42	u/Plastic_Pinocchio	8777
3	u/Short_Shots	90399	13	u/Ralle1998	32124	23	u/Umber0010	17651	33	u/KushPatil	10880	43	u/2D_DoS	8172
4	u/Good_Apartment_9992	69340	14	u/razhagever	30124	24	u/SubsubatomicGuy	16407	34	u/Large-Wheel-4181	10593	44	u/GnelforGnoblin	7325
5	u/chaosgiantmemes	64412	15	u/BlitzTaco	29854	25	u/rosesan	14592	35	u/occultmoon	10440	45	u/multipurposeflame	6698
6	u/rad302	61330	16	u/Mugiwara_AF	28673	26	u/PosterQ	13271	36	u/Olipop999	10430	46	u/aemanthefox	6396
7	u/iamscythed	49322	17	u/pineapple_overlord	24345	27	u/NovaAge	13248	37	u/Kermit_Ur_Life	9578	47	u/NervigerWutbuerger	6370
8	u/m_preddy	43491	18	u/TheMamoru	22585	28	u/BaldTuesdays	13122	38	u/Regis_Casillas	9430	48	u/CyberDalek6401	5897
9	u/Useless_Archives	42341	19	u/Hangzhounike	20834	29	u/blaZikeN_257	12932	39	u/976chip	9382	49	u/myownwildthoughts	5846
10	u/3D_Guernsey	40527	20	u/MyNameSpaghette	20802	30	u/dhtikna	11945	40	u/acidcomplex_	9250	50	u/Zombiepixlz-gamr	5417

TOP POSTS

Templates	Examples
Yesterday
1: [No Data](No Data)	1: I made this meme template out of Call Me By Your Name movie. I think it belongs in here
Author: u/No Data	Author: u/fueddusauro
Score: 0	Score: 23
2: [No Data](No Data)	2: [No Data](No Data)
Author: u/No Data	Author: u/No Data
Score: 0	Score: 0
3: [No Data](No Data)	3: [No Data](No Data)
Author: u/No Data	Author: u/No Data
Score: 0	Score: 0
This week
1: Guy stands up to someone only for it be a slasher villain	1: Sorry I just get carried sometimes
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 75	Score: 439
2: When someone says they’re the most trust institution but you have doubts	2: KilleSurvivor Negotiations
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 73	Score: 306
3: Professor Moriarty making a threat	3: Pointless attempt to be a hero
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 59	Score: 202
This month
1: Cursed tape is playing with only one not being too worried when the others are	1: Imagine if they simplified her just being a serial killing elitist
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 84	Score: 811
2: Reinfield asks his master if he’s ok	2: Copium.
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/_The_Entire_Circus_
Score: 81	Score: 463
3: Himeno passed out after drinking too much while Makima continues on	3: Just be nice to those who get her
Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 80	Score: 450
This Year
1: Johnny Depp walking out with his lawyers	1: Honestly, these jokes are starting to get annoying
Author: u/chaosgiantmemes	Author: u/redditboy123451
Score: 239	Score: 2874
2: Frankenstein template	2: She's never going to let you down... or let you go....
Author: u/amirlopez	Author: u/_The_Entire_Circus_
Score: 233	Score: 1856
3: "Pretty Flowers" template	3: Facepalm or genius?
Author: u/amirlopez	Author: u/Large-Wheel-4181
Score: 210	Score: 1474
All Time
1: New Sonic movie template	1: Heavily inspired by Hannah Hillam
Author: u/Spudtastic-Spastic	Author: u/Short_Shots
Score: 1616	Score: 112930
2: Credit to u/mallow_dip	2: The gif that started it all
Author: u/Yemris	Author: u/Whymanwhy12
Score: 1614	Score: 99404
3: An Upgrade	3: I once called Hulk Shrek.
Author: u/0Markus0	Author: u/Shiteingann
Score: 1533	Score: 97200

https://imgur.com/a/vilLnrT
Tired of waiting for that sweet SureShot goodness to show up on your front porch,well boy do I have a deal for you. Selling a OD sureshot 2.1 chassis for the akm reciever type. Comes with 3 day shipping. Will ship tmr morning if it goes tonight!
SV:450
If you have any questions or wish to reach out PM me only, NO CHATS
PP or Venmo F&F no notes
Crossposted

No erections, even when I have to piss. No morning wood or nocturnal erections. I can't get hard to porn unless stimulated and I go limp after a few seconds. When I go limp my penis is curved and semi erect. Ejaculation doesn't feel good that much and my penis sensitivity has reduced a lot. Feels numb during ejaculation. I've had pain in my groin when peeing before but it mostly went away. What confused me was one day I was very aroused and erect to porn and my sensitivity was increased, despite me fapping like 2 days before. I don't know if it was supplements I took or high fat diet I was doing. Cialis did nothing. Urologists backed up man this making me fucking depressed.

Last month, I finally got myself to meet with our school guidance counselor because things were really bad at home. My parents were fighting everyday until morning, my mom was screaming at my sister and I endlessly and everything was just really hectic at that point. During the first two sessions, the counselor was really understanding and she was listening attentively, and I felt like I was actually being validated for what I was feeling at the time.
I had my third session with her today, and it was so different compared to the first two. She started asking about home and I said that things still stayed the same. I showed her a list of things that my sister has been saying lately about our mother (quite concerning) and she asked if she could keep the piece of paper. She then asked me if my mom hits me at home, and I said no (she’s more on the verbal side). She had this look on her face and then told me, “You know. The world is messed up. There are wars going on, so you should be thankful that you have this guidance office to talk to, unlike others who are probably going through much worse than you. It’s not really cupcakes and rainbows”. And I get that. I absolutely do. I am so grateful for what I have and I know that I’m privileged enough compared to others that don’t have the ability to reach out to people and get help. It just hurt me a bit because I didn’t want to make it seem like I was pitying myself, I just wanted someone to listen to me.
She then told me to stop all the negative mindset and to start thinking positively especially for my sister. She told me I needed to toughen up, and then asked me about my grades. I told her my grades got higher this term and she said, “Since you’re able to manage your grades, it means you have to fight. Can you do that?”. I don’t know, the session earlier left me feeling a heavier feeling, and I know she has good intentions, I just feel like she forced the positivity for the sake of not self pitying. Should I keep seeing her?

I am righting short stories and would like someone to give me some feed back and tell what I should do next. The plot is two scientist make a made a Time Machine and it follow but when one of them use it and as one of and something goes wrong and there are sent to to the so called time travel graveyard at the end of time what will be a big Desert filled out her broken Time Machine for as far as the eye can see and what the read is reading is a note one of the scientist before they die. By the way this is just the first draft of the first of about 5 so it might be pretty bad
My name is Dante Aeon.now I didn't mean to become a time traveler. It was an accident most of anyway .But who are you going to tell anyway if you're reading this you're probably already just as stuck as I was .well Let's start from the beginning and maybe can find you will find of way out of this place the date was 13/2/2007 it was a cold morning with a vile wind biting a the side of my face I was in the middle of a larger opening in a forest in the middle of nowhere. Me and my well trusted colleague Dr Lucy Whitlock were paid to try and discover a way to go into the past and future (also underpaid if you ask me). We were setting up preparation to do our first test when Lucy asked”what time do you think we should set it to?” (the “it” she was referring to was what we spent the last 4 year making I did not look like much it as a small copper box with with year,month,day,hour,minute engraved into it with flash in light around them it look rather stupid really but it on the inside that counts with this thing) “ just do like a 5 minute we don’t want to get lost in time or something like that ?” I responded “come on the future I think will be best I want to know if we will get famous for being the first time travelers”she say egotistically “I don’t think that is good idea”I stated very matter of factly“you need to worry less it we be fine ”she comments“ worry less of course worried do actually think this thing to work this is the first test we are running on it and we don’t even have enough money to rent a lab out we are do this in the middle of the forest” I say clearly exasperatedly“ok fine just 5 minutes.” I could see the disappointment in her face but sometimes I think she has no thought of health and safety we dealing with a literally time Bomb and it was most definitely not safe and the only proof that It works is that by itself disappearing and reapers in 10 seconds we didn’t even know if it can take biological life with it but since we were in so much debt paying for we couldn’t get a rat to run a test on. It was a hopeless mission really and god I wish I stop there.

Link to Part 1.
(Reposted due to error in the title)

The Photo

My head was spinning.
The polaroid photo of Jared and I was sitting on my laptop. Less than a day after I received his emotional plea to investigate a haunting at his home. It was impossible. The whole thing was impossible! I don’t believe in ghosts, and that photo hasn’t seen the outside of a box in years.
I ripped open my storage closet. Underneath many boxes in the back corner was the small pink shoebox, where I kept all the mementos from college. I tore off the lid and rooted through the contents. The box contained many polaroids of friends, parties, everyday items I framed in an ‘artsy’ way, and a lot of questionable haifashion choices. No Jared photo. I examined the photo placed on my laptop again, it looked exactly like the others in the box. Yellowed from the years and covered in a light film of dust. I flipped it over, and saw a handwritten note. “Love you always - Jared”. His penmanship was almost illegible, and there was a heart beside his name. Wow.
As if I didn’t have enough confusing feelings to process right now. Desperate to hold onto a semblance of reality, I texted Sara asking if she moved my photos. That would make sense, right? She learned about Jared last night, maybe she dug up my boxes from college? My phone chimed. Sara questioned your message “Did you move any of my old college photos?” - for non-iOS users, that means she held down on my message and selected a question mark. Since she’s at work, that’s likely the best response I’ll get for a few hours, but it’s safe to assume Sara didn’t touch the photo.
After covering my shifts at the restaurant for the week, I decided to reply to Jared. I sent him a brief email informing him that I would be taking a ferry to Vancouver Island the next day. Afterwards I found myself writing down the entire experience. This is unlike me, I don’t journal, or keep a blog, or anything like that. I’m not sure what compelled me, but this event felt… significant.

The Ferry

I loaded up my crappy little car with all my equipment, and left at the ass-crack of dawn. Traffic wasn’t too bad this early in the morning, and I made it to the terminal with time to spare. I pulled up to the ticketing booth, and fumbled with my phone until I found my online reservation email. They gave me my lane number and I drove through. The booth opened up to a huge tarmac with around 20 different lanes, and I found my spot in line. I pulled in behind 10 other vehicles and turned off my engine.
Non-locals won’t know what I mean when I say this, but: BCFerries is a racket. It’s like $100 one way with a vehicle. As my bank account drained, I remembered why I don’t visit Vancouver Island all that often. Beautiful though it may be. Maybe I can write this off as a business expense, I just need to learn taxes, and… business. Don’t judge, I went to school to study grainy surveillance footage. On second thought, Jared can cover my ferry costs.
After a long period of waiting, the ferry started loading up cars and I parked on the lower vehicle decks. For those unfamiliar, these ferries aren’t cute little boats. These are massive ships that can fit dozens of vehicles, and hundreds of passengers. They’re several stories tall and contain a restaurant, gift shop, play areas for children, and more. I made my way up to the upper passenger deck and got in line for breakfast. A breakfast meal with coffee cost me $20, and it left me feeling sick for hours. The racket continues.
After breakfast, I waddled over to passenger seating and managed to score a window seat. As I settled in for the rest of my journey, I finalised my plans for Jared’s ghost problem.

The Plan

There are three major events to investigate. The Ten Knocks, the Floating Spoon, and the Shadow Man. Here are my plans for each:
The Ten Knocks: Ten loud knocks ripple through the home every night at exactly 3:24am. According to Jared, the sound seems to come from a different location each night. As you know Jared already has an existing surveillance system. On top of that, I’m going to set up two Zoom audio recorders, and an old phone of mine to record audio throughout the night. From there I’m going to attempt to make a map of the approximate knock locations, and see what data we can generate. I’m hoping we can discover a pattern and isolate the source of these noises. Last time I mentioned a friend of mine who specialises in Forensic Audio. I'm hoping he can help me with this, but at the moment I haven’t heard back from him. I’m not sure I blame him, honestly.
The Floating Spoon: Surveillance footage shows the utensil drawer opening in the kitchen, and a spoon levitating in the air. Since the spoon's movements were quite articulate, I’ll be looking for any evidence of wiring rigs. I also brought a compass for detecting magnetic fields. I’ll be insisting on seeing Jared’s computers, to see if they have software that could fake these things with CGI. I should note that there were a few other objects I caught moving in the raw surveillance footage, but those could be faked with a single string. Unlike the Floating Spoon, which moved in many directions.
The Shadow Man: I’m going to get Jared to stand exactly where the figure appeared in the video, and take measurements for scale. If this man-shaped figure happens to be exactly Jared’s size, that’ll be a strong sign the footage is fake. If they’ll let me, I’m also going to inspect Simon’s bruises. Finger-shaped bruises can be imitated with makeup. A sobering reality here to consider is that if Jared faked the Shadow Man footage, I may have to call Child Protective Services. Simon’s noises and movement in the video indicated he was in legitimate distress. If I do determine the footage is fake, I’ll be demanding a detailed explanation of the hoax from Jared. For Simon's sake.

The Drive

The ferry docked, and I made my way down to my vehicle. Cell reception returned as we got closer to the island, so I entered Jared’s address into Google Maps. For those unfamiliar with Vancouver Island, this isn’t a tiny island you can cruise around in a day. It’s home to over 850,000 people and bigger than the Hawaiian islands combined, or half the size of Ireland. It’s home to a few cities; the largest of which being BC’s capital city, Victoria, and many towns of various sizes. For privacy reasons, I won’t be sharing exactly where Jared lives, but for context I’ll say that it’s a small town.
I’ve driven through the Island a few times, but this visit felt ominous. Pouring rain from the grey skies splattered my windshield. The roads were flanked on both sides by towering evergreen trees, sprawling all the way across distant mountain ranges. As I left the cities and hit a winding stretch of highway, I couldn’t help feeling like I was in the opening scene of The Shining. My speakers blasted upbeat 90s classics to keep my spirits up, but the foreboding feeling was hard to shake.
As I approached the town where Jared lives, I decided to stop at a cute little coffee shop advertising free Wi-fi. Knowing you’re about to see your ex is nerve-wracking enough on its own. Let alone when you’re going to their home, meeting their wife, and presumably fighting ghosts. I ordered a latte, and found a quiet spot in the corner. As the rain pattered against the window, I called Sara on FaceTime. She answered, and I could tell she was walking home from the restaurant. After some small talk, I blurted out what was on my mind:
“Am I making a terrible mistake?” Sara stifled a laugh.
“I mean… How honest do you want me to be?” We both laughed this time, if a bit nervously on my end. “Look. Either you’re about to save a family and fight some ghosts, or somebody’s living in their walls, or your ex is pranking you. What’s your plan if things go to shit?”
“More like when things go to shit. Let’s just hope he pays me upfront.”
Sara knew me well enough to know I’m very safety-conscious. Working for a crime lab tends to have that effect. I had already shared Jared’s address with her, and called ahead to a local motel. I explained that I was staying with someone nearby, but had concerns about my safety. I would have preferred spending all my nights in a motel, but our ‘ghost’ only knocks in the middle of the night. Wendy, the manager, was lovely and agreed to hold a room for the first night. No charge unless I check in! It was their off season, and they had plenty of vacancies. I love small towns.
Sara and I decided on one final safety measure. If I feel unsafe at any time, I’ll text her a code phrase. Like ‘How was your job interview?’
Furthermore, we have a daily check-in, and if I don’t respond within 20 minutes, Sara will call the authorities. Realising Jared IS an authority, Sara wrote down the direct lines for EMT, Fire and RCMP in the hopes that someone will check on me. Our conversation came to a close.
“I love you, Sara.”
“Love you too Marn. Stay safe!”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
The call ended. I collected myself, pulled up the hood of my jacket, and ran out into the pouring rain to my car. I sent Jared a text letting him know I was close, and drove the rest of the way there.

The House

Jared and Jenny’s house is tucked in the back corner of an upper class, surrounded by woods. I pulled up the driveway, feeling very out of place in my crappy sedan. An old woman standing outside in a neighbouring front yard eyed my poor ass with suspicion. I ignored her. The house was modern, bright white with black accents, and completely unassuming. The rain had lifted, and a sliver of sunlight made the house seem positively welcoming. Despite seeing the house in videos and pictures, a part of my brain expected some sort of haunted castle. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I had barely gotten out of my car when Jared and Jenny came outside to greet me. It’s always a little awkward sussing out the etiquette when meeting up with your ex after several years. Do we shake hands, or hug, or exchange an explosive fist bump? I was panicking a little, but Jenny cut right through that by springing an enthusiastic hug on me.
“Oh my god hiii!” Jenny had that gorgeous, effortless, hippy-island-girl thing going on. Her shoulder-length straight hair was blonde, and she wore a long, flowing olive cardigan, and black leggings with sneakers. “It’s so nice to meet you! Thank you so much for coming.”
Jared was standing behind her and gave a small wave, “Hey, Marn.” He looked exactly like the video. We exchanged a brief hug. I’m not sure if everyone else over-analyzes every single social interaction they’re in, but I was very cognizant of not letting that hug linger. A professional hug. Jenny chimed in.
“I love your videos!” Jenny’s enthusiasm seemed genuine. “After uh, all this started happening, I went deep down the YouTube rabbit hole. There’s a lot of stuff out there, but your videos made me feel sane.”
“Yeah, I came into the room and saw you on the TV. I was like, whoa, I dated her in college!” Jared added.
“I didn’t believe him at first, but he had proof!” Jenny gave him a playful smack on the arm.
“Evidence is important.”
Jenny laughed at Jared’s terrible cop joke. I could see why he liked her, Jenny’s sunny disposition was infectious. In comparison, Jared and I were two people with very dry senses of humour.
We exchanged pleasantries, and the couple helped me bring my bags into the guest room. Jared gave me something of a tour of the home. Having studied their surveillance footage in detail, I had no issue navigating their home. It was easy to forget I hadn’t been here before. When we got to the kitchen, I made a mental note of the ceiling. Adorned with several wooden beams, perfect for stringing up wires to say, make a spoon dance in the air. Interesting.
Walking down the hallway to the master bedroom, and nursery, Jared pointed out a small blind spot in the cameras. I made a note to place one of my cameras there to cover that gap. While the knocks occurred in different locations each night, the main hallway was where the most activity occurred. I decided that this would be a good spot for my thermal camera, a piece of equipment I’ve owned for several years but never had a good excuse to use. According to the lore, ghosts can affect temperature. I guess we’ll see.
As Jared showed me the nursery, he explained that Simon would be staying at his sister-in-laws for the foreseeable future. I had hoped to take a look at his bruises, but this didn’t feel like the time to mention Simon’s injuries, or the Shadow Man. Jenny’s expression darkened, and she brought it up without my prompting.
“After Jared showed me…” her voice quavered. She paused before collecting herself. “...The video, I didn’t feel safe having him here any more. We visit him every day.”
Jenny’s eyes welled up, and she excused herself. Left alone with Jared for the first time, there was an awkward pause. Wanting to avoid awkwardness at all costs, I asked Jared if he could do me a favour: Stand where the Shadow Man stood, and imitate his movements. For scale, I told him, and that was true. If Jared’s measurements match the Shadow Man, there’s a good chance he faked the footage, either with CGI or some sort of lighting rig. Jared seemed surprised, but he complied. I think he understood where I was going with this.
I grappled with my emotions versus my logic. On one hand, this ‘ghost’ should have a rational explanation, and the most rational explanation was that this was a hoax. On the other hand, Jared’s wife is crying because she doesn’t feel like her child is safe in her home. If this is a prank, to what end? My relationship with Jared ended amicably. Hell, he was the one who ended it. It didn’t make sense. None of it did.
After playing Shadow Man charades, I inquired about Jared’s security system. I wanted to see how he viewed surveillance footage. Jared darted into the bedroom and grabbed his laptop, a Macbook that was several years old. His security cameras uploaded over wi-fi to the cloud, and he was able to access that footage via an app. This app deletes the videos after a period of time, so Jared had been downloading them onto his computer. I noted he had several external hard drives, video files take up a lot of space so this made sense. I asked if I could borrow his laptop for a moment.
“Sure, do whatever you want.” Jared handed me the laptop, which I took into the guest bedroom where I was staying. I took this opportunity to see if his computer had any visual effects, or video editing apps. All he had was iMovie, not a particularly powerful option.
I spent a few hours reviewing the laptop, and then editing some B-roll footage I had shot earlier on my own computer. Jared knocked on the door. I looked up to see him in full police gear, and he let me know he was going to work. After Jared left, Jenny poked her head in the doorway and asked if I’d like to go out for dinner tonight, just the two of us. I agreed. All I had eaten was sickening ferry-food for breakfast, and Jenny seemed nice enough.

The Dinner

Jenny drove us to this amazing little Italian restaurant, and we had a fantastic time! She pushed many appetisers on me (so much bread), and the main course was delicious. I had linguine pescatora, and Jenny had gnocchi. Jenny had one glass, and I had the rest of the wine bottle. The dinner was a little awkward at first, but by the end of the night we felt like old friends. For Jenny’s sake, I won’t discuss every single thing she told me, but here are the relevant bits:
I previously described Jenny as a seamstress. While that is true, it’s under-selling what she does. Jenny knows some specific, technical dress-making techniques. She has her own business, targeted towards Renaissance Fairs and cosplayers. Her work eventually attracted the attention of Hollywood productions. Now she makes beautiful clothing for feature films (period pieces), and high-end clients. I wondered how she and Jared could afford their beautiful home, she appears to be the reason.
Jared and Jenny met a little over 3 years ago. Jared was a few years out of the academy, and got stationed in their small town. By coincidence, he had moved into her apartment building. They struck up a conversation one day when Jared offered to help her haul several bags of dresses to her car. She liked him, and asked him out for coffee. They married two years later, and she got pregnant with Simon around that time.
At one point later in the evening, we got onto the subject of ghosts. Jenny’s always been a spiritual person, her office is full of crystals, and she loves astrology. I also learned she believes she saw a ghost as a child. As she describes it, she was in bed and a bearded old man in a white three-piece suit appeared in the room. He loomed over her with an intense stare, and they locked eyes for a long time. Jenny rolled to her side, and when she looked back he was gone. I asked if she ever saw the man again, and she answered no. I spoke to her about the phenomena of sleep paralysis, and she conceded that was possible. I’m not sure if she believed that or not. Regardless, I could see myself being good friends with Jenny.

Night One

We had such a lovely time at dinner, my reason for visiting had all but slipped my mind. It wasn’t until our drive home that I realised we were heading back to (for all intents and purposes) a haunted house. A pit began to form in my stomach as we pulled into the driveway. At night, the house took on an eerie presence, and the surrounding woods had me feeling like something could leap out at me at any moment. Jenny must have been feeling the same way, as we hurried into the house. Jared still wasn’t back yet, as he worked 12 hour shifts.
I asked Jenny if she wanted to help me set up some of my equipment before bed, and her expression darkened. She declined. She opened up a drawer and pulled out a massive bag of earplugs, offering me some. This seems to be her solution to the nightly knocking sounds. I took some earplugs, though I forgot them on the counter. I got to work setting up my cameras and audio recording devices. I placed one of my cameras to cover the blind spot Jared showed me, and set the thermal camera in the main hallway. I was more than a little tipsy, but I managed to get the job done. After triple-checking that everything was recording, I shuffled back to the guest bedroom to sleep. It was around 10:30 pm, and I was dead tired, but knowing why I was there, I set an alarm for 3:15 am, hoping to be awake for the knocks.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!
I shut the alarm off, and groaned. I barely registered falling asleep. It was one of those sleeps where it feels like you’ve blinked, and all of a sudden it’s several hours later. Awful. I grabbed my phone, pulled myself out of bed, and left my room. I checked the time, 3:20 am. I shuffled into the main hallway, and waited. The minutes felt like an eternity as I stood around, waiting for a noise. It was dead quiet. Impatient, I found myself checking my phone. While waiting for a ghostly knocking. Something must be wrong with my brain. As my phone’s clock read 3:23, I put my phone away and listened.
I couldn’t hear any footfalls, or doors opening. No strange noises from the plumbing or AC units. As I lingered in the silence, I wondered if this would be the night when the noises stopped. Did I scare the ghost away?
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG!
I screamed, startled by the incredible volume of noise that surrounded me. It felt like the banging was right beside my head, as if the very walls were screaming at me. Then it started again.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG!
I whirled around, searching for a source to this thunderous sound. No such source was obvious to me. Jared came out of the bedroom in his pyjamas, and stared at me for a moment. As if to say, ‘Told you so’, but no lecture came. If anything, he looked sad. Disheartened that this horrible noise was real, not some sort of shared hallucination. He took a step towards me.
“Oh my god…” Was all that came out of my mouth.
“Let’s talk in the morning.” Jared said, shivering a little before heading back to bed. It’s clear he's used to this, but my heart was pounding out of my chest. After a pause, I followed suit, and returned to the guest bedroom. It took a long time to fall back asleep after that. I wished I took Jenny up on her offer of earplugs.

Reviewing the Evidence

I awoke around 8:30 to a gentle knock on my door, and an offer I couldn’t refuse.
“There’s fresh coffee, if you want some.” Jenny announced. God yes.
As I sat down for coffee, nectar of the gods, I couldn’t help but focus on the empty high chair at the kitchen table. There wasn’t much conversation in the morning, but Jenny did tell me she was spending the day at her sister’s with Simon. Later Jared would go there after work to spend the night with him. My heart hurts for them. As Jenny left, Jared encouraged me to check my footage from last night. He did the same with his security system.
I scrubbed through my three audio recordings. The ear-shattering knocks were definitely coming from the main hallway. I marked down where I was standing on my sound map. I checked my blind spot camera, and scrubbed through the night’s events. Nothing of note until I enter the hallway at 3:20, stare at my phone and then jump into the air at the sound of the knocks. As I finished up with this, Jared came into the room. He told me there wasn’t anything noteworthy on his cameras, just the knocks, but he would send me the footage to review. He was about to leave the room, when I asked him if he wanted to stick around to watch the thermal camera footage with me. I opened up the video file.
The thermal camera was pointing straight down the main hallway, now visible in various shades of orange, and purple. The walls were brighter than the doorways, and the lights appeared brightest. I scrubbed through the hours of footage. It captured Jared going into the bedroom around 12:35 am, having finished work at midnight. As the timestamp hits 3:20, I come into frame, my skin orange, and my hair and clothes closer to purple. I watch myself pull out my phone, and I shoot an awkward smile at Jared, who seems unphased. At 3:23, right before the knocking sound, a dark blue spot appears on the floor in front of me.
The dark blue mass starts rising, getting taller and taller until it looms over me. The deep blue shape becomes humanoid.
“What the fuck?” Jared interjects over my shoulder.
At exactly 3:24, I jump at the knocks, and the man-shape follows my movement. It doesn’t have a face, but I can tell that it’s… staring at me. In the video, Jared comes out of the bedroom. The blue mass is still in front of him, but you can see the blue colour turn closer to purple as Jared stands behind it.
As Jared takes a step forward, he walks right through the mass. He shivers, affected by the temperature difference, before he walks back into the room. As I exit the hallway, the mass ‘looks’ at me, its’ featureless head tilting in my direction.
It just stands there. I scrub forward several hours. A distinct man shape, motionless. It’s not until 6 am, when Jenny comes out of the bedroom, that the figure drops back down into the floor. The temperature readings become normal again. The video ends a few hours later, when I come to collect the camera’s memory card.
Jared and I stared at each other for a moment. He collected himself.
“So, in your professional opinion, what, uh… what the hell was that?”
“In my professional opinion?” He nodded.
“Jared,” I stated. “Your house is fucking haunted.”

Might be a long one but I’m very hung up on this.
22M
Long story short, I’ve been working at a place for about a year for $22/hr, 4 weeks PTO, 5% match, and last Thursday was let go due to loss of work (we lost a contract with a big customer). So I talked to recruiters that were looking for jobs for me. I have temp positions that would become permanent position teams and also direct hire position teams looking.
I got one offer (started looking Monday) at my old company, but a different branch. Meanwhile, at the old job, I did the temporary hire to permanent hire route and took 6 months for me to be hired on and given benefits. Now If I accepted the new position at same company, I’d have to completely restart the hiring process. And to make things worse, it could take longer than a year to get hired on. The recruiting manager and I had a miscommunication and basically now I need to make my decision by tomorrow morning. This job is more supportive accounting role than actual accountinf
Now, I fully believe that if I waited a few more days / weeks I could get better offers benefits and job wise.
Pros and cons of offer:
Pros: 100% remote, make my own schedule (very important to me with summer), pay is higher than last job by $1 ($23/hr, 5% raise every year)
Cons: No benefits, maybe no path for direct hire, potentially has nothing to do with my career (Accounting)
I do believe I can get a better offer, it’s just a risk. I fully appreciate the remote and schedule about this job, and the pay is good for me for now.
Details If this matters at all:
22M, 10.5k E-Fund, 6.7k savings, 2k checking, 13k Roth IRA, 1.5k roth 401k, 1.5k brokerage
I need to make decision by tonight or morning and I’m really stuck on it. I appreciate it!

(Content notes: stillbirth, subsequent pregnancy.)
One year, one month, and two weeks ago, my wife and I lost our only child. She died when my wife went into preterm labor caused by cervical insufficiency. She was a beautiful, special little soul who burned very bright during her brief adventure in this world.
This far out, we are still in profound grief and terrible trauma, and to some degree we always will be. But we're here, we get out of bed every morning, and we're glad to be alive--things we didn't think were possible in the horrible days, weeks, and months after we lost our little girl.
We have been incredibly blessed to get pregnant again, and today as we sit on the cusp of 39 weeks, waiting for our second daughter to arrive, trying to be patient and praying she makes it here safely, I want to take a moment to pause and write out the things that have actually helped us survive this longest, hardest year. This is a post I've wanted to write for a long time, and I finally feel able to do it.
So, here are the things that have actually helped, in something very roughly like the order in which we did them. If you are caught in the jaws of acute grief, I hope you find an idea or two in here that might help you, and I hope you keep on fighting.

1. Heat. Grief can come as terrible chills. I felt like my soul had been sucked out my a Dementor. Get warm any way possible. Hot showers, extra sweaters, heating pad, hot coffee or tea.
2. Being together. In those first days we didn't spend any time part. We even showered together. Our hearts and our bodies needed one another's presence at every possible moment. We still spend as much time together as we can, and talk about our daughter often.
3. People. Being surrounded by people has been incredibly important. We had family members stay with us for the whole first month, and then most weekends for months after that. One wretched day early on, we collapsed into bed for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we felt able to move again, we wandered out of our room and found our whole family sitting at the kitchen table, just talking around a fresh pot of coffee even though it was 6pm. I don't know why it was the coffee that touched me, but somehow it was; it was a scene that could have happened hundreds of years ago or hundreds of years from now, a rich, roasty thread of family transcending space and time. I will always remember that moment as a little touchstone of what it meant to have people around.
4. Getting a dog. In a cruel twist of fate, our sweet old dog died about a week before our daughter did. We came back to house with no baby and no dog. It was unbearable. We adopted the sweetest, most wonderful little monster less than two weeks after our loss. I cannot describe the comfort he has brought us, how much happier the house is with him around. When we got him he was 10 months old, covered in pee, infested with bugs, completely uncivilized, and absolutely perfect. Housetraining him became the sole purpose of my existence for awhile. I love that little guy like I've never loved any other dog, and I have loved a lot of dogs. We would have been lost, utterly without him. He has made us smile every day, even on the worst days.
5. Books. Oh, the books. I can barely pronounce the syllables "Elizabeth McCracken" without getting choked up; that's how much books have meant to us. I believe people need stories more than we need almost anything, and in the worst moments, sometimes stories are all we have. Stories teach us, stories prove what is possible, stories map the terrain, stories can never be taken away from us. The two most important books for us have been An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken (I have been sustained in many dark moments by the dream that someday we will get to ask her to sign our copy, she will understand everything without us having to say a word, and with tears in my eyes I will ask her to kiss our rainbow baby, which she will of course do with gusto) and Once More We Saw Stars by Jayson Greene. Several family members read Exact Replica and that was extremely helpful too. To this day my mom will say about some challenge or blessing, "It's just like the book!"
6. Therapy. Yeah. You need therapy after something like this. We still go weekly and probably will for the foreseeable future.
7. Time off work. I used up all my leave and then took a one month unpaid leave of absence, the maximum my job allowed. It came out to eight weeks and I needed every minute of it. We made the choice for my wife not to return to work when her leave ran out to focus on trying again. We are so lucky to have been able to do so and it was 100% the right decision. We would not be where we are today if she hadn't been wiling to do that. Take as much time as you possibly can and don't apologize to anyone.
8. Faith and community. I can't imagine living through this without our faith and religious community. People from our synagogue delivered us meals and came to pray with us in our home. A rabbi who had a stillborn grandchild came to visit us. We learned about Jewish teachings that say that babies who are stillborn or die very young may be very special souls, able to complete their entire spiritual mission in a very short time, and I believe with every fiber of my being that our daughter was such a soul. We have lived by the belief that every single life matters, no matter how brief, that our daughter's spirit lives on forever, and that ultimately, we will be together again.
9. History, perspective, and ancestors. It has been so helpful to remember that if you go back just a few generations, nearly all of our ancestors lost a child. Go digging around in the biographies of historical figures and you will find so many lost children. A rabbi I greatly admire, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810), was born after his mother lost her first son when he was just a few days old, after a long struggle with infertility. Rabbi Nachman himself lost four of his eight children, lost his first wife, and died of tuberculosis when he was just 38 years old. And he contributed so much wisdom and beauty to the world. He taught that despair is not an option. Tragedy is normal. People are so much stronger than we think we are.
10. Nature and travel. We took long road-trip pilgrimage that functioned as our DIY grief retreat. Being in motion, the simple purpose of having to get on the road in the morning, and soaking in natural beauty were lifesaving and essential. We saw strange, magical things and learned a lot that we needed to know on that trip. Get outdoors in whatever ways you can. Leave town if you can swing it. Feel the sun on your face, breathe fresh air, and just sit with nature, big or small, and let the world slowly show you how to be to alive from moment to moment.
11. Music. At first we thought we'd never listen to music again. Slowly, we figured out how to do it. Soul and folk music in particular have sustained me. Aretha Franklin signing "Let It Be," Nina Simone singing "Here Comes the Sun" and "O-o-h Child," The Carter Family's version of "Will the Circle Be Unbroken," Gillian Welch singing "I'll Fly Away," and Brandi Carlisle and Emmylou Harris singing "Take Me Home, Country Roads," taught me to how be alive again.
12. Connecting with other bereaved parents. Through support groups and forums like this one, we learned and shared many stories. Eventually, we each were blessed to find one person we especially connected with and have built an ongoing relationships, and that has been worth everything.
13. Completely resetting all our expectations of ourselves. What was most useful was thinking of the grief as a grievous physical injury. How would you treat yourself if you had shattered both your legs in a terrible accident and might never walk again? Do it. Because that's exactly what happened.
14. Throwing ourselves into hobbies. When we could, we started doing the things we used to enjoy again. We both completed the Fantasy bingo challenge, each reading 25 works of speculative fiction in particular categories this year, and we just finished this week. We resumed our exercise routines, did cooking and crat projects, found we could get lost in a TV show or a video game again. Even ten seconds of respite is worth it. Making progress at something tangible and completely unrelated to our loss or to trying to get pregnant was really important.
15. And finally, planning another pregnancy with our medical team, and trying again.

I hope that each and every one of you will be surrounded by love and find rest in the knowledge that your baby's life matters. He or she changed the whole world just by being a part of it. I hope you heal in ways you never thought possible. And if you want to, I hope you are able to have another baby or several, whether by birth or adoption or some stroke of fortune yet unknown.
It is possible for good things to happen after your child dies.

according to my friends, drinking alone = alcoholism. but i really am not sure?? i feel like my experience is waaay less severe than other people, i ususally drink heavily by myself like every other day or even less often, and sometimes take a few shots in the morning. it's mostly due to my mental health, since im bipolar, in depresssive episodes i drink because i can't stand living and it's the only way i feel good, and in manic i drink because i wanna party or do smth impulsive. the thing worrying me though is, i often feel the NEED to drink even when i don't WANT to. when i feel bad i feel like even though i really don't feel like drinking it's either get blackout drunk or kill myself. i don't know. after writing this im even more confused on whether that is alcoholism or not??? i really refuse to believe it is, i don't wanna have to quit entirely. it seems terrifying to not have an emergency coping mechanism that actually works when im in a crisis