Hi everyone, I'm new here and have never spoken up about my relationship with my mother. I want to add a Trigger Warning for discussion of suicide, so please don't read this if it could potentially trigger or upset you.
My entire life I have shrugged off the abuse I've experienced. I have a very confusing relationship with my mother due to my abusive father. When I was around 14 she moved us far away from him and completely away from everyone I had ever known. I had no contact with my family and I had no friends. I felt isolated and completely alone. I also was struggling with dissociative amnesia from the abuse I experienced due to my father.
We were living in an extremely conservative small town and I found it very difficult to fit in. I was being bullied for my religious views and I was also in an abusive relationship with a man who was much older than me. I quickly became depressed and started spiraling. My self harm was out of control, along with my anorexia. I eventually had an unsuccessful suicide attempt that involved a belt. The attempt left a very graphic and obvious mark around my neck. My mother never mentioned it to me, but my principal called me into his office to discuss it. He was concerned that I was dealing with abuse and questioned me quite a lot about the mark. I lied and said it was just a rash, which it obviously wasn't. I found out later on (when I was an adult) that he contacted my mother about the bruising and that he was concerned for my wellbeing. My mother never said anything to me or tried to get me help, like she was recommended to do. My principal continued to call me into his office once a week to question me about my home life and to ask how I was doing. My mother would often mention how annoying it was that everyone in my school thought she was abusing me. I eventually got pulled out of school which resulted in me dropping out of high school completely. My principal was pissed when this happened and argued with my mother for hours over it.
Honestly, I still hold a grudge over my mother for convincing me to drop out (I was one of the top students in my school and took my studies extremely serious). After I left school I became completely isolated. I wasn't allowed to see my friends or leave the house. I was forced to stay at home by myself everyday and would get in trouble for even going outside without my mother. My mother didn't want to spend money on a phone plan or internet, so I had no way to contact anyone. I became incredibly depressed. I want to add, that my mother was well aware of my suicide attempts at this point (this is something she admitted to me once I was an adult).
A few months after dropping out, I asked my mother if she had any rope, I had planned on using it for another attempt but obviously I didn't tell her this. She didn't question why I wanted the rope, but told me that she didn't have any. A few days later, she came home from work with some and gave it to me. This lead to another attempt of mine, that has left me with a permanent neck injury and nerve damage. At this point, my mother 100% knew I was suicidal. She never tried to get me help or even check in and ask how I was doing. She was very emotionally distant from me and constantly made it feel like my existence was a nuisance to her.
Things started getting really dark at this stage in our relationship. I would openly question my mother about different suicide methods. For example; one time I asked her if she knew where the major arteries were in your body (she attended med school at some point, but had dropped out). She pointed each artery out, showing me exactly where it was on my body. She also explained how long it would take to bleed to death if you hit the artery and how you would have to cut in order to hit the right spot. She even made mentions of which spots would be the least painful. Those were not questions I had asked her, yet she added them in anyways.
Over time, we began openly discussing suicide methods. She even taught me what medications you can easily overdose on and which ones are pointless to even try. Talking about suicide was extremely normal between us, in fact it was a more normal conversation than discussing how our days went. I had many many attempts throughout the next few years of my life. A lot of them landed me in the hospital and a few nearly killed me. My mother always seemed irritated after my attempts, but never because of the fact that I had attempted, she always seemed upset that I didn't succeed. She'd go on about how expensive my failed attempts were, but still never tried to help me. She would also make snarky comments about how I should try harder next time and sometimes during arguments she'd say things like "I wish you'd actually kill yourself for once". At one point she told me that I was the biggest mistake of her life and that I ruined everything for her.
These things have fucked with my head so badly and I'm just now beginning to process them. Honestly, there's so much more that I want to say but I really just needed to get these specific feelings out. The frustrating part of all this, is that I'm still partially in denial that I was being abused. I've brought these discussions up to my family in the past and I was called a liar and told that I just wanted to ruin my mothers life. After that, I never discussed anything she did ever again. I guess I've just come to terms with the fact that this is how my mother will always behave and that I just need to put up with it. But I'm beginning to realize that I shouldn't have to put up with this, nor do I want to.

I haven't met you in person but still I wanna be with you. We have talked late nights and have shared our troubles and fights with life. We had deep talks and shared funny things with smile. I have never felt what's it's like when you just wanna be with that certain whether it's a day or a night. I love talking to you no matter how stupid the topic maybe. I wanna share happy things with you, even I have to forcefully smile. I just want to take care of you, make you happy, spoil you day and night. Oh god, I don't know how much it kills me when it's only one side. I kno, you never said you liked me more than a friend and I will always respect you for that. I know, you made it clear from the start you just needed a friend but what I can do with my heart, it doesn't wanna listen to that. I wanna have you in my life, even if you have to live on heaven and I have to live in hell. I just want my heart to belong only and only to you and for you to run only to me when you feel sad. I wanna be the with whom you feel like home and I feel it too. I am not a king nor a prince but I will take care of you that will make even the queens and princesses of history to envy you. I am ready for the sacrifice and work hard like I never had, just so I can be worthy of your hand. I fell in love with your gentle heart, I adore when you care for the broken heart. I admire how when you yourself are down, you still care for the people who are in mess around. I am in love with your beautiful hands and adorable smile. I remember everything you say and share, like my life is on the line. I don't know how I fell for you this hard, I wish you had the same even half of that. I know, you will never like me the way I do, it hurts me at night when I imagine I can never have you. It scares me that one day you will fall for someone else, I am afraid what if he never cared for your gentle heart. I envy the one who will get your heart, I get frightened what if he never care that I imagined for you. I am worried that he might not understand the gentle soul you have, and just think of you as someone as a mere commoner.
Oh my love! You don't know how much I want you to be my other half. I am not the perfect guy or the richest by heart, but my love for you knows no path.
But reality is often different from what you want, I am coming to the terms that I can never win your heart. Moving on is the only option left for me, I don't know if I can love again the way I wanted you to me, or maybe I don't want to let go my heart to another person I ever again. I can live with the memories that we have made. Maybe you were just a life lesson for me, to never be in love again. A rather painful one, but a sensible relaity within. Oh my I dear faru! I wanna forget you sometimes but sadly I cannot let go of the one sided love you I gave me. I will never blame you for not loving me back, it will be wrong of me to expect you to love me back. You never gave me the false hope, it was me who fell unknowingly for you this bad.
But that is life, I am happy that you came in my life when I was going through rough time maybe that was the purpose for which God made our worlds collide. Wish it was more than that, but that is reality that I have to accept. Getting away from you as a one sided lover is the only logical step I have in mind, but remember I will always be by your side as a friend whether you need me at day or night.
Thank you if you managed to read it till the end. I didn't know where to share things about what I was going through and wanted to write it in a form of poem about her so decided to let out my mind here.

currently suffering through the first trimester. I am not one who gets sick very often. VERY rare i needed to call into work sick pre pregnancy. since getting pregnant I feel like i was hit by a bus, my head is constantly feeling full like i have the head cold from hell. My asthma has flared up really bad, and my body is just aching all the time. (not to mention the all day morning sickness) Im a nurse and we are always working short (nature of healthcare in Canada) I hate calling in and leaving my coworkers in that position, but in the past few weeks i’ve had to call in a handful of times because I just feel awful. I’m worried they think this is my new norm. Has this happened to anyone else?

I haven't met you in person but still I wanna be with you. We have talked late nights and have shared our troubles and fights with life. We had deep talks and shared funny things with smile. I have never felt what's it's like when you just wanna be with that certain whether it's a day or a night. I love talking to you no matter how stupid the topic maybe. I wanna share happy things with you, even I have to forcefully smile. I just want to take care of you, make you happy, spoil you day and night. Oh god, I don't know how much it kills me when it's only one side. I kno, you never said you liked me more than a friend and I will always respect you for that. I know, you made it clear from the start you just needed a friend but what I can do with my heart, it doesn't wanna listen to that. I wanna have you in my life, even if you have to live on heaven and I have to live in hell. I just want my heart to belong only and only to you and for you to run only to me when you feel sad. I wanna be the with whom you feel like home and I feel it too. I am not a king nor a prince but I will take care of you that will make even the queens and princesses of history to envy you. I am ready for the sacrifice and work hard like I never had, just so I can be worthy of your hand. I fell in love with your gentle heart, I adore when you care for the broken heart. I admire how when you yourself are down, you still care for the people who are in mess around. I am in love with your beautiful hands and adorable smile. I remember everything you say and share, like my life is on the line. I don't know how I fell for you this hard, I wish you had the same even half of that. I know, you will never like me the way I do, it hurts me at night when I imagine I can never have you. It scares me that one day you will fall for someone else, I am afraid what if he never cared for your gentle heart. I envy the one who will get your heart, I get frightened what if he never care that I imagined for you. I am worried that he might not understand the gentle soul you have, and just think of you as someone as a mere commoner.
Oh my love! You don't know how much I want you to be my other half. I am not the perfect guy or the richest by heart, but my love for you knows no path.
But reality is often different from what you want, I am coming to the terms that I can never win your heart. Moving on is the only option left for me, I don't know if I can love again the way I wanted you to me, or maybe I don't want to let go my heart to another person I ever again. I can live with the memories that we have made. Maybe you were just a life lesson for me, to never be in love again. A rather painful one, but a sensible relaity within. Oh my I dear faru! I wanna forget you sometimes but sadly I cannot let go of the one sided love you I gave me. I will never blame you for not loving me back, it will be wrong of me to expect you to love me back. You never gave me the false hope, it was me who fell unknowingly for you this bad.
But that is life, I am happy that you came in my life when I was going through rough time maybe that was the purpose for which God made our worlds collide. Wish it was more than that, but that is reality that I have to accept. Getting away from you as a one sided lover is the only logical step I have in mind, but remember I will always be by your side as a friend whether you need me at day or night.
Thank you if you managed to read it till the end. I didn't know where to share things about what I was going through and wanted to write it in a form of poem about her so decided to let out my mind here.

I haven't met you in person but still I wanna be with you. We have talked late nights and have shared our troubles and fights with life. We had deep talks and shared funny things with smile. I have never felt what's it's like when you just wanna be with that certain whether it's a day or a night. I love talking to you no matter how stupid the topic maybe. I wanna share happy things with you, even I have to forcefully smile. I just want to take care of you, make you happy, spoil you day and night. Oh god, I don't know how much it kills me when it's only one side. I kno, you never said you liked me more than a friend and I will always respect you for that. I know, you made it clear from the start you just needed a friend but what I can do with my heart, it doesn't wanna listen to that. I wanna have you in my life, even if you have to live on heaven and I have to live in hell. I just want my heart to belong only and only to you and for you to run only to me when you feel sad. I wanna be the with whom you feel like home and I feel it too. I am not a king nor a prince but I will take care of you that will make even the queens and princesses of history to envy you. I am ready for the sacrifice and work hard like I never had, just so I can be worthy of your hand. I fell in love with your gentle heart, I adore when you care for the broken heart. I admire how when you yourself are down, you still care for the people who are in mess around. I am in love with your beautiful hands and adorable smile. I remember everything you say and share, like my life is on the line. I don't know how I fell for you this hard, I wish you had the same even half of that. I know, you will never like me the way I do, it hurts me at night when I imagine I can never have you. It scares me that one day you will fall for someone else, I am afraid what if he never cared for your gentle heart. I envy the one who will get your heart, I get frightened what if he never care that I imagined for you. I am worried that he might not understand the gentle soul you have, and just think of you as someone as a mere commoner.
Oh my love! You don't know how much I want you to be my other half. I am not the perfect guy or the richest by heart, but my love for you knows no path.
But reality is often different from what you want, I am coming to the terms that I can never win your heart. Moving on is the only option left for me, I don't know if I can love again the way I wanted you to me, or maybe I don't want to let go my heart to another person I ever again. I can live with the memories that we have made. Maybe you were just a life lesson for me, to never be in love again. A rather painful one, but a sensible relaity within. Oh my I dear faru! I wanna forget you sometimes but sadly I cannot let go of the one sided love you I gave me. I will never blame you for not loving me back, it will be wrong of me to expect you to love me back. You never gave me the false hope, it was me who fell unknowingly for you this bad.
But that is life, I am happy that you came in my life when I was going through rough time maybe that was the purpose for which God made our worlds collide. Wish it was more than that, but that is reality that I have to accept. Getting away from you as a one sided lover is the only logical step I have in mind, but remember I will always be by your side as a friend whether you need me at day or night.
Thank you if you managed to read it till the end. I didn't know where to share things about what I was going through and wanted to write it in a form of poem about her so decided to let out my mind here.

I picked up running a year ago when I lost my job. I think I completed 4 or 5 weeks of this program and trust me when I say this, nearly every run was DREADFUL for me. By the end of the fourth week, I barely crawled to my apartment and literally just lay on the floor.
You would think I must have been running too fast. Well, no, my physical health was just really bad. On every single hiking trip I have been on (with school or university classmates, with friends, or hikers group), no matter how long the distance was, I was always the last one. My weight was in a healthy range but trust me when I say that, if you were to put me next to the average overweight kid, the kid would have been able to run a longer distance. When people say that you shouldn't judge by looks they are talking about me and my physical health.
In short, C25K destroyed me. After I dropped the program I briefly enrolled in a swimming class, later on, I moved to strength training. Really, everything was a lot easier than running. Maybe two or three months ago I decided to use my gym treadmill. I didn't think too much about the program and just put 1.8 km in the goal distance. I took two breaks, which lasted less than a minute, and even though by the end, I was extremely pale and tired, at least, I could function. I started running once per week. In addition, I started steadily increasing the distance and now I can run 5 km with two one-minute walking breaks.
I guess my point is that you can achieve the goal with different approaches and if the program doesn't work for you that's fine. Just try something that doesn't suck all life force out of you. If you are running slowly and still get a bit too tired for it to be considered normal, the chances are it is not normal and your body is just not ready for it.
a side note: while running gets your blood pumping, I do recommend strength training. I work out three times per week for max 1 hour, I don't sweat much or get tired. With such an effortless workout, I finally got my goal body. In addition, by adding one 5 km run, I have never felt better.

This is probably going to be a long one, so I’m sorry for the read… I just really needed to let this rant out.
So, last year on August of 2022, I ended up doing a weeklong stint at the local hospital, due to an exacerbation two whole days after being formally diagnosed with MS. In the hospital I learned that I had/have active inflammation along my spine, as well as in my brain, most notably a 2cm wide lesion on the left side of my brain, as well as many along my lower spine.
What lead to the diagnosis were the telltale MS Symptoms of double vision, numbness of my extremities (legs, left arm), speech issues and an abnormal gait. The following two days, the symptoms progressively became worse, until I inevitably took a fall and found myself unable to pick myself back up due to (temporarily) losing the use of my legs for around 10-15 minutes. I could move them, but couldn’t feel them and they had no strength to support me. My step father had to pick me up off the floor. I cried in his arms like a baby.
I spent the next 5 days in the hospital, being given steroid treatments and undergoing a whole bunch of other tests. While I was there, however, a lot of the staff kept asking me if there were any problems I had in the past that I had noticed that would have keyed me in to the fact that I had this condition before I ended up in the hospital.
It didn’t hit me until about the third day I was there that I had.
Actually about a year or so before that hospitalization, I ended up in the same hospital’s emergency room, due to experiencing the same exact symptoms, though less severe, but still “textbook MS symptoms” as put by my neurologist.
I ended up going there that night, due to having a panic attack that was admittedly brought upon by a high dose of a cannabis edible (legal in my state/use it for anxiety), but it wasn’t the cannabis causing me to panic, it was the fact that it genuinely made me realize how bad the numbness in my left arm and lower body was.
A family member called the ambulance, initially thinking I was having a stroke, as I had been mumbling/slurring my words, as well as complaining about the numbness, double vision, and stumbling as I walked. Unfortunately, this family member also let the emergency services know that I had been taking cannabis that night and that plus anxiety is literally all the EMTs would take the cause of the issue as, despite me insisting that 1. I had NEVER had cannabis make me unable to FEEL MY ARM or make me unable to PROPERLY USE MY LEGS TO WALK without dragging them along and 2. I’ve dealt with an anxiety disorder for most of my life at that point and had never had it do that to me either. They offered to take me to the ER to get me looked at and I went, because of course I fucking wanted to.
But then that just brings me to the worst part of this whole situation.
“How many idiots does that make tonight?” Was literally the first thing I remember hearing a nurse say as they brought me in. They had one view of me by that point, before even bothering to take a look at me, which they barely did at all. At that point I had been in hysterics, due to a cycling pain in my arm/shoulder, I will say the cannabis didn’t help when it came to articulating what was wrong, but I never really got moments to speak.
The moments I did get to speak were just me answering questions about my mental health, because once they keyed into my history of mental health issues (anxiety/depression) it seemed like that’s all they would believe it to be, despite me heavily insisting that it was not those things and it was not the marijuana.
They took it as me justifying or defending my usage of it, or as trying to play the medical professional and going against everything they said. I kept asking to speak to someone who would actually listen. Had they given me the time, they would have known I had been experiencing those symptoms for MONTHS by that point, but all they did was give me a shot of anti anxiety medication (probably to shut me up), then send me home with a prescription for the antidepressants I use and a pamphlet on how to quit smoking.
The symptoms eventually went away after a month or two after, but when they came back the following year, I had been too ashamed from that previous experience to seek medical attention. I just thought “I experienced this before and it went away eventually, so I’ll just wait it out until they go away.”
They didn’t.
In fact, they got worse.
I finally made an appointment after the double vision had gotten so bad, I could barely see. I saw an eye doctor, who noticed the nystagmus of my eyes and directed me to a neurologist, who then diagnosed me with multiple sclerosis.
Then, I was changing my shirt two days after and my legs suddenly collapsed out from under me.
The rest is history.
I’ve since started Ocrevus infusions and so far have been showing signs of improvement (can wiggle my toes after not being able to for MONTHS!), but I just can’t help but think that I could have gotten help/put on treatment the year before, had anyone in the emergency room actually listened to me and done some actual tests, instead of just ignoring me and loudly ridiculing me in the halls.
I’m sorry this was so long, I didn’t expect it to be, but I guess that experience was a lot more traumatizing for me than I initially thought. I genuinely just wanted to rant about it and how hopeless and reluctant to receive medical care for the exact same symptoms when they re-emerged about a year later.
Thank you for allowing me to do so.

And he is asking me to please not tell him. First text he sent me was “I will be looking at hotel prices so I’m not a burden”. This is the man that brags he makes $12k a month off his side business 🤣 then it the next text says it’ll be $1000 for a hotel for 5 days (lol where?) he’s coming in august and I didn’t know how to say NO I don’t want you staying here so now guess who will be sleeping here for 5 nights. Two of those days I’ll have off of work but my husband won’t and he won’t even be able to take off because he won’t know until last minute! He also hates surprises, and he likely wouldn’t be to fond of his father sleeping in our living room for that many nights if I’m being honest. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, what do I do? It sucks. I’ll also be almost 7 months pregnant by then and have to deal with that too. I hatttee him. MIL is coming for a 2 1/2 week visit in 2 weeks, can’t wait. At least she gets a hotel.

So our little Eurasier arrived home a week ago and we have been trying to crate train her to sleep there during the night. It has been extremely challenging - she will wine and cry and howl for hours on end and is very distressed in the morning. We’ve asked for help from a canine specialist and have been following guidelines for crate training but nothing seems to work. I feel extremely guilty for putting her through this and I’m developing major puppy blues (anxiety, panic attacks, crying a lot etc). I know the easy solution would be to put her in our bedroom and sleep with her but that’s a non-negotiable for me because I have a lot of sleeping issues and sleeping is essencial to my mental health. It’s getting to a point where I’m considering rehoming her and trying to find pet parents who would sleep with her in the bedroom. I’ve never felt this shitty in my life. Anyone has any advice?

Hey all.
I've been reading Inner Work, have just gotten to the active imagination chapter I think. I'm not too far in the book at all at this moment.
I've been feeling really angry and emotional today. Angry at the fact that there is an ocean unconsciousness that I basically have no control over, but it has A LOT of control over me. Just that alone really irritates me. I know that to move forward in life, I have to respect my unconscious. That means to understand it, and be on its side. I have had issues with addiction, to the internet & pornography since I was very young - I know this is mostly a genetic thing for me. It doesn't have too much to do with trauma and deeply rooted coping habits. Although I grew up in a tumultuous & unstable household, the damage is pretty much done and it's something I'm already "over" in a sense - I just want to live life at this point and I don't care too much to dwell over my past. Not to mention plenty have gone through worse than me and are healthier and happier. That's how I know, it was just a weak genetic disposition as a way to protect myself from pain. Unfortunately, it's carried its way on into my early 20s.
It's like an alcoholic who WISHES they could just go out and enjoy a night with friends without getting wasted and continuing the drink into the night. Or someone with a bad weed habit who wishes they could just smoke a little and enjoy themselves without going off to the deep end. I'm thankful that I can do those things recreationally. I guess a really relatable one would be a video game addict who longs to just play a couple rounds of call of duty and enjoy the game by themselves/with friends without staying up all night and fucking their whole life up. Because thats what addictions do, they take years of potential time, memories and joy from your life without you even knowing.
My unconscious, by no means, will ever allow me to stay home alone and relax. I can't boot up a video game, focus on watching a movie, or do something interesting at home for the life of me. I work, and on my days off, I have to be at the library. It's really painful and it makes me want to cry. I don't know if there's ever a silver lining for addicts in regards to building a normal relationship with their respective habit. It's pretty much a red light, stop sign, avoid at all costs sorta thing.
anyways, how are yall doing?

Since we're in for another round of Spider-Verse, I thought it would be fun to see what kind of Spider-People we here would/could come up with. Mine would be something like this...
[WARNING! Potential Cringe Incoming!]
Malibu, California.
Pro surfer Eugene "Flash" Thompson, is chilling with his best friend, Mary Jane Watson. The two have been inseparable since middleschool. Flash protected the shy, but brilliant red head from bullies. While MJ helped the big hearted, but scatterbrained blonde with his schoolwork. For them, life is good.
Today, however they find the beach completely packed with tourists. So Flash decides to go someplace that's always empty. MJ retorts that, that's because it's privately owned, and that this is trespassing. But Flash assures her that the old Oscorp warehouse is long abandoned. And a perfectly good beach is going to waste!
But, when they get to the beach, they spy some suspicious activity at the supposedly derelict warehouse. Going in for a closer look, they find hired thugs loading up barrel upon barrel of hazardous toxic waste. That they plan on dumping into the ocean!
Before they can retreat, a spider crawls out from between the leaky barrels. And bites Flash on the hand, causing him to cry out in pain. Flash tells MJ to run, as he tackles one of the goons to buy time.
But Flash begins to feel light headed, as the electric feeling in his hand spreads up his arm into his body. He blacks out, and after strange fever dreams, awakens to find himself tied to a chair.
One of the goons is on the phone with "the boss" who doesn't sound happy. After he hangs up, he informs his colleague that they're to "dispose of" the interloper. As they approach Flash, he begins to feel a strange tingling, and an overwhelming felling of danger! He strains against the handcuffs. And to his surprise, they shatter like nothing! This equally amazes the thugs, who quickly draw their firearms.
Getting that tingly feeling again, Flash instinctively jumps. Leaping all the way to the roof! Which he sticks to! The goons, now completely gobsmacked, take aim at the freak on the ceiling. Flash puts up his hand defensively, only for white sticky goo to shoot out of his wrists, covering the henchmen.
Flash has no idea what's going on. But he takes this opportunity to jump out the window and run home. After finding Mary Jane, and informing of all that happened, she runs some tests in her lab. And determines that the mutated spider, has somehow combined it's DNA with Flash's. Giving him the abilities of an arachnid!
Flash trains with his new powers for a few days, while MJ keeps an eye on the warehouse with some of her drones. It seems that they're going ahead with the toxic dumping! And have tripled their guard.
Realizing that they are the only ones who can stop it, MJ makes Flash a costume, to conceal his identity.
Meanwhile at the warehouse, "the boss" Norman Osborn shows up. Very displeased that he had to cut short his meetings overseas to get this bungled dumping operation back on track.
Just then, using his webs to create a sail, Flash parasurfs his board through one of the windows! Catching everyone completely off guard. As Flash uses his incredible strength and speed to take down the army of armed thugs. Norman picks up one of their guns. "If you want something done right..." He thinks, as he takes aim at the back of Flash's head.
But just as he pulls the trigger, Flash uses his new found "Spider Sense" to duck out of the way of the shot. "Not today, you old Goblin!" He quips as he kicks Norman back into the stack of barrels. The Billionaire screams in agony, as on of them breaks open. Spraying him with it's toxic contents.
His driver quickly throws a blanket over him, and shuffles him into his limousine. Speeding away, just as police sirens approach, drawn by the noise of the gunfire. Flash decides his work is done. And leaves before the police arrive and question the strange man in the mask.
As they sit, and watch the sunrise over the ocean, Flash tells MJ that their home is truly beautiful. But that there are people--not just Norman--who will exploit, and ruin that beauty if they can.
And now that he has this power, it's his responsibility to protect it. MJ says that they'll do it together. Mary Jane Watson, and Eugene "Flash" Thompson. AKA...
The Radical! Spider-Dude!
[Epilogue]
Norman Osborn lays covered in bandages, and hooked up to beeping medical machines in the master bedroom of his Malibu mansion. He lays, and watches the Daily Bugle News Network. Oscorp stock has taken a hit. But his army of spin doctors, and corporate lawyers have done their jobs well.
All the blame well be laid at "rogue elements" within Oscorp. And of course nothing is traceable back to him.
But before he can get too relaxed, the news shifts to talking about Malibu's newest sensation. The masked hero that calls himself "Spider-Dude".
Norman begins to feel his blood boil at the mere sight of that accursed wallcrawler. Norman gets out of bed, and stalks over to his 90' TV. And smashes it with his fist! Upon seeing his reflection in the now darkened glass of the ruined screen, he begins to frantically tear at his bandages.
His eyes glow a toxic yellow. His features are sunken, with sickly green splotches all over his skin. His ears are pointed. His teeth are like jagged fangs. His finger nails like hardened, razor sharp claws!
At the sight of himself Norman begins to laugh manically. "What was it that boy called me again? Oh, yeah..."
Goblin!
-
So there it is! What's your idea for a Spider-hero/villain/other? And no, it doesn't have to be as long or rambling as mine. A simple idea will suffice. I just had to get that out of my head. Been rattling around in there for awhile LoL!

Hey there! I search for people who share the passion of being active, going out, seeing the world – or just the forest nearby to cherish nature. People who see health as a gift and work on their physics and mindsets. People who have passion, desire and a variety of interests. People who also love a good rest, a good film, a lazy day on the couch – but always earned and never for granted.
Don't get me wrong but I am a bit tired of so called "home bodies", living the ordinary online life. Maybe because I have been one myself some years ago. No offense! Everybody can live how she/he wants, but I am searching for somebody else :)
A bit about myself: I am 29 years old from Germany. I love to do sport and be outside in nature. For me, that is where life happens, where memories are created and beauty is to be discovered.
I also like to get in touch with people around the world and learn new perspectives, have good conversations and broaden horizons. That's what I love reddit for: To connect with all kinds of topics and people.
Maybe with you? I would love to hear from you!

General anxiety+ Delighted to be 10 weeks pregnant. But in the past week I started to experience intense physical anxiety symptoms. It's definitely impacting my work. I use deep breathing techniques, meditation, mindfulness etc but it's becoming so difficult to manage. I am also attending CBT- 2nd session tomorrow.
I don't want to start drugs and I just hope this is hormonal. Before pregnancy I did experience anxiety but it was manageable. I took propranolol 2.5mg (I know- placebo dose!) to help during procedures at work where I needed a still hand.
Do the hormones cause anxiety to get out of hand? Will my body get used to it?
Ps forever grateful and blessed with this pregnancy. Anxiety is just an unwelcome visitor ATM.

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​
---Success---
​
---Chhay’s perspective---
My husband walks close beside me, to my left, as we climb the stairs to our penthouse in the ODR’s residential wing.
The party in the gymnasium was pleasant.
A little on the cheese platter and dry white wine side but… well… however we both look, neither of us are young men anymore(!)… Perhaps it’s for the best that the careerpath we’re on precludes attending the kind of ragers I went to at uni(!)
I was glad to see the way Zuzu (ever the outgoing extrovert) got to relax at the expeditionary send off party.
Now that they’ve departed, he’s got one less thing on his constantly overpiled plate!
Since the diplomatic nightmare of the discovery of the lost colony right on the edge of the galactic core, the legal nightmare of how exactly to prosecute that murderer from there, the overseeing of the arrangements for the refugees that the Bright Plume brought here, the work that’s gone into all the last minute preparations to the expedition on top of all of his normal duties, he was run off his feet even before all the stress that the assassination attempt caused!
Of course, he’s no stranger to attempts on his life(!)… We first met when I was a lowly nurse, picking shrapnel out of his cheek after a failed bomb plot, afterall! (‘Failed’ in that it only killed people other than the intended targets…)
It still takes a toll though… every time.
He jokes about it… but I see how it affects him.
Luckily, we don’t need protection inside this building… which means that Gamba was able to babysit for us.
The kids absolutely adore their ‘Monkey Uncle’, as he’s happy to selfdesignate, despite Gorillas being Apes, not Monkeys!
Not a distinction that particularly matters in Khmer but, by mutual agreement, we’re raising our kids with English as their primary language at home, so we need to make sure they understand that others might take offence to careless language like that!
At this point, I feel something squeezing my right arsecheek.
I turn my head left to my husbands face, innocently pointed forward. Apparently, he still has a little energy left(!)
“Darling… what’s on my backside?” I ask, wryly.
“My hand, my love.” he says, visibly fighting off a smile.
“And… why is your hand on my backside?”
“Because you have the most pleasant, squeezable backside in the galaxy, dear.” he answers, simply.
“Honestly, I wonder what the Terran public would think if they knew the truth about what a handsy pervert they had representing them in Parliament and Heading their interplanetary relations agency(!)… Can’t even walk up a flight of stairs without giving his husband a grope(!)” I tease.
“Would you like me to remove my hand, sweetheart?” he asks, his lips pursed in mirth.
“I didn’t say that…!” I grin, returning the favour and extending my left arm to his left arsecheek.
“I’d suggest putting the privacy field up tonight… but I really need a full 8 hours…” Zuzu says, with regret.
As we approach our door, I begin saying “Let’s just hope Gamba’s got Chan and Sai to slee…” but break off mid sentence as, before we’ve taken three paces into our home, I realise that something’s wrong…
Both of us release our hold on the other and our heads whip forward to see our lounge in a state of total disarray!
The bottom drops out of my stomach as I spot a pair of black furry legs, ending in two calloused, prehensile handfeet, protruding from behind the sofa.
My heart is pounding and I take a breath to say that we need to call security.
*Clank* is the sound of something heavy and metallic, landing behind us.
*Thunk* is the sound of something hitting the back of my husband’s neck with the force of an executioner’s axe.
*Thud**thud thud thud thud* is the sound of my husband’s head hitting the ground 4m from his body and rolling another few metres.
Before I can scream for help, I’m slammed to the wall with enough force to drive the air from my lungs.
“Be smart, buddy…” growls the mechanical monstrosity pinning me to the wall with a bright red, bulky, metal right arm that doesn’t match the sleek, clawed, durasteel left arm that he’s pointing toward my throat, only red for being covered in my husband’s blood “…there’s no bounty on your head and I’d hate to be forced to make orphans of your kids!”
“*wheeze**cough*…What have you done to them?!” I manage to ask, through the pressure he’s applying to my sternum. I’m trying not to think about what I just watched happen to the love of my life and focus on what matters now!
“Relax. Your kids are safe… Sedated and lying in their beds… I don’t kill kids.”
“What a hero(!)” I spit, defiantly.
The skullfaced abomination does a slight doubletake before mirthfully saying “You’re braver than I expected the draft dodging, pencil pushing boywife of that spineless backstabber to be(!)… Or maybe just stupider?”
My feet are lifted from the ground as he drags me around 30cm up the wall by the front of my shirt, still applying so much pressure that I get friction burns on my back.
“Let’s get some things straight… What’s gonna happen now is; I’m about to pick up that head and walk out of your apartment with it before exfiltrating this compound and leaving the planet… the only question, is whether I leave behind two orphans and a third corpse… or two kids and a smart guy who knows how to follow instructions?… Are you a smart guy?… Or are you a corpse!?”
I don’t want to answer… but I want Chan and Sai to grow up as orphans less…
“I’m smart…” I wheeze, reluctantly.
“Good!” he says, cheerfully, releasing my shirt and letting me fall to the floor where I crumple into a heap.
Casually, he strolls to my Zuzu’s head and picks it up by his hair, his footfalls making heavy *clunks* over the quiet *whirr* of his actuators as he does.
I’m subjected to a horrific view of my husband’s final expression as his head dangles from the hand that killed him.
Returning to where I am on his way back to the door, the murderer stops.
“You count?”
“I what?”
“Can. you. count?”
“I can count…” I confirm, gingerly rubbing the place on my chest where he crushed me.
“Then here’s what I want you to do; lie on the floor, face down, put your hands on top of your head and count to a hundred… slowly!… When you’re done, you can call security… Try moving before then and killing you gets bumped to the top of my priority list, ahead of escaping… Do we understand eachother?”
I nod.
“Do it then!”
I follow the instructions, bracing myself for the possibility of him changing his mind about letting me live.
I begin counting and hear his (suddenly much lighter) footfalls as he leaves.
“One… two… three… four… five… *sniffle* six… seven… *sob* eight…”
---Jackson’s perspective---
I enter the door to the parked craft, serving as our hideout.
A woman with a mohawk of voluminous, curly, red hair, flopped over the side of her scalp, looks up at me with a pair of emerald green eyes.
“Success?” she asks.
In answer, I toss the head onto the table in front of her.
“Jesus, Stetter!” she exclaims, grossed out.
“You gonna certify that, Kara?” I ask.
“Yeah, yeah, you’ll get your bounty, just… don’t toss heads at people!”
Rather than answering, I instruct “Get everyone ready. We’re taking off five minutes ago…”
“You wanna leave right now?” she frowns.
“Of course… we have a ship to pursue…”
---
Support me on Patreon for early access to upcoming releases, including the, now complete, series, Remembrance! R'qali tier patrons can read it before anyone else!
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Dramatis Personae

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Chapter Summary:
Shot Heard Across the Galaxy A poor Shil'vati patrol goes looking for that Security Force that just got blasted in the last chapter
First Contact: We jump POV, where Elias gives them "pretty much the exact terms" of their invasion and occupation, turning it back on them.

Shot Heard Across the Galaxy

The summer had clung on by the tips of its fingernails despite the threatening change in season. The dry morning air heated quickly back to what Serenie had grown accustomed to, as if to deny the inevitable unwelcome encroachment of the biting cold night they'd just endured performing riot control in the center city.
Serenie learned some new insults over her comm as a pursuing Captain Goshen had watched the insurgent 'clear a building in a single bound like a retarded kangaroo with viagra in its tail.'" Serenie had never seen a kangaroo, but Earth's nature had fascinated her, and the loose familiarity caused her alone to laugh uproariously at the Captain’s breathless fury.
There were some other matters the Captain had muttered about, such as ‘lies turning truth’ that seemed to elude Serenie’s grasp. One thing that the Captain made certain Serenie did understand was the concept of punishment duty for her laughter. Double-shifts just seemed to be the order of the day, but being sent far afield with these people could hardly be called anything else. The scenery was occasionally something she’d have called nice, if it wasn’t for her present circumstance.
She was stuck with her new podmate, Zell, who it seemed just could *not *shut up.
"Look. All I'm saying is, they're hot. Hotter than the Security Forces 'squad' *we're looking for. *'Squad.' Such a stupid-sounding word."
Serenie's expansive patrol pod had been shattered apart by casualties in the wake of Emperor's attack on Unification Square. The combat patrol had been dropped over twenty feet onto jagged concrete as the overpass they were sprinting across collapsed underneath them into rubble, courtesy of planted explosives. Serenie was one of the only ones to come out with relatively minor injuries and to make a full recovery. She'd even hobbled to the square on a broken leg, just in time to behold the horrific spectacle of the building’s collapse.
Now those cast off shards of incomplete pods had been shuffled and mixed up to serve with some temporarily deployed Shil'vati forces from out-of-state.
Two whole pods made up of the odd numbers from other units, sent to Delaware on punishment duty of their own came together to compose the new team of six out of the hodgepodge. Once Zell had used all her brain to do the math, she announced excitedly: ‘A grateful human boy for each of their rescuers.’
And so the two pods set off with initial enthusiasm, unburdened by much familiarity with one another. That had been three miles ago, and by now the excitement had given way to bitterness over how they were wasting time on a long walk across open, somewhat bleak bulldozed terrain that nature work crews had yet to reclaim, doing Search and Rescue for a bunch of deserters who didn't want to be found at all, instead of rounding up those 'mysterious hot insurgent guys.'
Serenie reflected that at least the razed structures and tall grasses offered a nice view of the vibrant colors the trees were starting to turn. A 'silver lining,' as the more optimistic locals liked to say. 'Well the square was utterly destroyed and you're led by an idiot from a green zone, but at least you're alive!'
The boys here were always upbeat. Then again, they were paid to take their clients' minds off their troubles. And she had to admit they worked better than the stupid Anarevoca. The deep rest in the arms of the man she'd visited while on mandatory medical and psychological leave had done more for her recovery and in then passing the evaluation than anything else she’d tried. She didn’t regret a moment or credit of the exchange, even if the bribes and fees to slip her out and get her the secret rendezvous did her accounts the same kind of damage as she herself had suffered.
She hoped Azraea hadn’t lowered the score just to get every soldier back on the front lines, and switched her line of thought. It did her no benefit to dwell on such things. ‘At least he let me sleep longer than I paid for’, she reflected, remembering the faintly sweet musk of where his shoulder met his neck, and how gently he’d run his fingernails along the back of her head, through her scalp until she fell asleep.
"The insurgents are *not *hot," Serenie muttered. "They're supposedly all too old, too set in their ways to adapt. You know, like, twice your age. You got a father-fucker fetish or something?" Serenie had already had more than an earful of this conversation, and repeating her rent-a-paramour’s comforting words buttressed her conviction. The honeyed sense of validation he’d whispered into her ears was better than dwelling on the possibility that the planet and all the men on it all just outright hated her.
"What, so you got your asses kicked by a bunch of daddies?" At Serenie's stare, her new podmate from New Jersey relented slightly. "Okay, fine. At least admit the *idea *of them is hot. *So *hot.” When Serenie didn’t bite, Zell kept going. “Come on- physically active, mysterious, and just need some love and affection before they realize we aren't so bad, and you win 'em over with -"
"-Yeah, alright, you find one, you try it, you tell me how it goes. If you survive and he’s somehow tolerating even someone like you, then I figure I can swipe him off you."
"Fuck no, we'll share, and you'll be grateful I'm so generous. Seriously, share the insurgency, I say. I can charm 'em so good we'll have peace within the day."
Serenie wondered how Zell had served this long and didn't realize human men tended to be fiercely monogamous. Maybe things were different where Zell served, though Serenie doubted it was.
"That's something I actually wanted to ask. I thought maybe you'd know." Serenie wasn’t sure why Zell might know anything, but it was at least in the area of Zell’s obvious obsessions. "How is 'fuck' an insult? Especially when the humans say words that mean 'fuck you,' but they use it as an insult. But even other forms of it mean ‘get fucked,’ or something."
"You sure it's an insult? Sounds like an invitation, if you ask me. Have you tried asking them ‘when’?"
Just one more addition to the ever-growing mountain of evidence that Zell was an idiot.
The new pod's equally new sergeant was little better, but at least when Sergeant Patmorica interrupted this time, it was focused on the mission. Her comm cut through the half-hearted banter as she made her periodic report at the required interval.
"Command, we've got eyes on a pretty good LZ on the crest of this hill, mark for exfiltration if necessary." Sergeant Patmorica pointed a gauntleted finger to the ridge on the far side of the field. Rote procedure; the last one she'd pointed to would be marked as a secondary. "Got a wide open view of that woods near where the patrol of Security Forces went missing- not seeing much out here in the field. Permission to move into the forest and check for them?"
Data Officer Borzun's voice floated back. "Granted. Relief forces will be en route if you find anything, ETA eleven minutes from Command."
The return signal sounded distant, quieter than normal. Something about that troubled her, but Serenie didn't want to draw the attention of a sergeant eager to prove she was capable of leading a couple pods, or feel she had to prove herself to the red zone veteran. Even more disturbing, Zell looked ready to start talking again.
"How are the other leads looking?" Serenie piped up quickly. At least the sergeant might offer something helpful, even if the information was secondhand.
"Not great. A lot of the people who are *supposed *to be patrolling looking for rebels are responding to the strikes and protests at the prisons, beating up protestors who weren't on any lists, trying to restore some semblance of order," Sergeant Patmorica responded with surprising candor.
"Be a real shame if no one's here. We could be out there helping," Zell picked up the line conversationally as they descended from the crest of the hill near the river, past an old sign that read 'Mister Pasta'. "Instead we're chasing down wayward Security Forces, who probably cut and ran."
"Best lead we've had so far," Patmorica responded.
"Have you heard anything about 'Camp Death'?"
"Just whispers. Nothing solid," Patmorica said, stepping over a half-buried old curb. The work here in leveling the town and returning it to nature had certainly been hurried and half-done. The ridge of the distant trees hadn't expanded outward much at all.
"Supposedly, it's somewhere in the North. We're in the North."
"What, you think Camp Death is actually in the middle of nowhere, somewhere out here? Come on, the town's leveled. There was a bomb that went off literally over there-" Serenie pointed across the rubble of the highway they were walking along. "-Some local shirtless kid pulled a Lieutenant out of the rubble."
"Doesn't seem to have been enough for them to consider saving the neighborhood. Not a chance it's out here; Work crews woulda spotted it."
"Guess the work crews finally got around to really taking the place apart before, you know, 'shit hit the fan.'
Human words were very evocative. Terrible situations lined with precious metals, feces being sprayed about by rapid physical impacts- the mental images they provided, disturbing though they often were, seemed silly enough to bring a smile that had been all too absent on the senior private's face ever since her time in Unification Square.
There used to be some roads here, but all that's been cut off. A bunch of trees, and no structures, no infrastructure, and a bunch of troops? That's just begging for an orbital strike."
"He might have the hostages there. Anywhere might."
The sergeant paused, contemplating something, then jumping into a private comm chat with Serenie, her voice coming through a bit more crisply. "Yeah, alright. Look, I read your file. You had your run-ins. You're still shaken, I understand that, but I need you to not jump at shadows, got that? You get to go on patrol with us, finding some lost boys who forgot how to read a map, and *maybe *lending your local expertise. But I have to weigh that against what you went through. The absolute *last *thing I need is you opening fire because one of the Security Forces guys sneezes, and it sets you off. Are we clear? Not everything's an insurgent. Not everything is done by insurgents."
"Ma'am," Serenie responded. "Understood. I'm cleared as ready for action." Idiot or not, Sergeant Patmorica was still her commanding officer for the time being, and she couldn't exactly relate her late night rendezvous in a red zone and say she was 'all better now.' Confessing such a violation was just *begging *to be written up.
"That's what I like to hear." Something about her answer or stature must have been conveyed while providing the words because they seemed to reassure Patmorica of her readiness. Serenie felt a ray of hope that she was really, well and truly had finally free from the aftereffects.
The rest of the walk along the treeline was blessedly quiet. Five minutes of peaceful walking. No idiots, no stupid orders, no more braggadocia. Even in full kit, Serenie enjoyed nature on earth in all its many mysterious and downright strange aspects. The morning chill felt crisp, and the crunch of dried parched dirt and grasses under her boots felt more alive than the steady beat of boots-on-plate aboard a starship's hull, no matter how large or ambient the white noise supplied.
It was as she reflected on the multitudinal ways the experience was different that she had a realization.
"There's something wrong."
"Is it that we got sent out without a vehicle? 'Cause I think we could have covered all this ground in a few seconds. Honestly, says everything that the Governess shipped us out here, but got tight-fisted with vehicles and equipment."
"No, everyone, be quiet!"
"*You *be quiet, Serenie!" The soldier in front of Zell snapped back.
"Shut up!" She hissed. Sergeant Patmorica spun on her heel. "Private Serenie. What are you-"
"Please, just- just- would you just listen!" A few seconds passed as everyone stared, either obeying or just shocked at the quiet girl's outburst.
"Listen...for what?" Zell finally broke the silence.
"Exactly. Do you hear anything? Birds? See any deer? Where are all the animals?"
"What's your point?"
"I think that we are not alone in this forest."
"Well, we were sent in to investigate where people disappeared to. Duh. It's a good thing if we aren't."
"But where are the animals?"
"I don't know. They migrate, right? Look." As if on cue, a tight formation of flying Canadian Geese passed overhead, honking. "There's your noisy animals right there."
Zell pointed and quipped. “Look sarge, insurgents!” The hand tracked the geese as they flew overhead.
Serenie felt trapped. How had some stranger from out-of-state been promoted to Sergeant and assigned to lead these pods, despite clearly never leading so much as a patrol in a yellow zone? Worse, Patmorica continued her teasing, likely to try and regain some face after her authority being openly challenged.
"Should we call it in? Tell Command: 'it's quiet' or ‘I saw some parrots’? With everything else going on in the state, do you think they'll laugh, or do you think they'll...?" The sergeant turned back to face the forest whose edge they were weaving in and out of, turning to start walking up the steep hill again, as if transfixed by something. "Hold on. I've got some thermal there and- hey, are you Ladies picking this up? I've got an IFF..."
Serenie dutifully reported her readings, grateful to at least get the topic changed. "I've got one friendly- two now. Security Forces standard."
Sergeant Patmorica pointed up the steep embankment she'd been about to start walking up. "I'm reading them as being straight ahead on my map. Confirm?"
This time someone else spoke up, and with all the fresh voices and full helmets, Serenie wasn't sure she could place them all. She was too busy staring at the collection of dead and dried branches lining the bottom of the hill.
What might leave such a large swath or create a clearing? A bear? She'd seen a video of one rubbing their backs against trees, one of the first to return to the state of Delaware, dubbed ‘DelaBear. These were certainly very large, unfamiliar trees. She’d never seen anything like them before, much as she’d never seen a Bear. To her mind, she might imagine such a large furry beast seeking out a suitably large tree, for some purpose or other. But she did not see any tufts of fur stuck in the grass or to the bark. And didn’t they only do that when shedding off their loose fur in Spring?
"It's two of the missing Security Forces," reported the sergeant somewhat spiritedly, leading the way toward the hill, the pod moving forward in her wake.
She crouched low again, taking a step back, eyes following where a serpentine footpath ascended the bluff. It was hard for her to make out if there were any footprints or animal tracks in the parched dirt, until at last she saw one near her own footprint. Conclusive evidence eluded her, but she thought she could make out a boot print, and searched her memory. Was it the pattern of the Security Forces uniforms? Was she just searching for signs and evidence, the conclusion already obvious in her mind?
Then she turned in place, and saw the many trampled grasses behind them, only noticeable once the patrol had reached where they had all converged. There were far, *far *too many to be the Security Forces.
"Zell. Zell! Hold here," Serenie whispered, putting her hand out to block her new podmate's progress.
"What?"
"Trust me."
"Privates! Fall in!"
Patmorica's tone was harsh. Serenie motioned like she was going to comply, freezing in place again the moment the sergeant's back was turned to her again. Something about this place seemed wrong. Where were the others of their 'squad'? And why hadn't they reached out to them on the comms yet?
Zell shook her hand free of Serenie's.
"Zell. Zell!"
Zell ignored her.
"Zell, will you stop thinking of fucking your father and turning your family tree into a circle for one depths-damned minute and listen to me!? Something. Is. Wrong."
"What?" Zell hissed, annoyedly. "I'm not getting in trouble just because you have 'a feeling'."
"There's some sort of structure up top. I'm getting metal readings. Way more than just their plate armor. Sensors are reading weird depressions on the way up, too. I'll relay it to your suits' telemetry. Are you receiving this?"
"How do I do that?" Zell asked, tapping her helmet. "Ah to the depths with it. Could it be caves?" Serenie's dimwitted podmate asked, clearly dreading that the answer potentially might be: 'Yes, now we have to go explore them.'
"Didn't you read your briefing? Delaware doesn't have caves." Serenie had read that first upon deployment, and then wondered where all the bats came from.
"Then what is-"
At that point, her comms dropped off completely, replaced with a sharp whine in her ear.
Communications lost. Signal lost.
"Ma'am, Sergeant? Zell? I've got a suit malfunction- I can't hear you." Serenie called out, pressing the button to retract the mouthpiece of her helmet. Her suit's connection to the satellites seemed to have cut out. Most of her HUD blanked out as she stepped forward to be heard, the device no longer receiving data to sync with the other suits and Command. The Friendly IFF signals had winked out as well.
Everyone seemed to be looking amongst each other, slowly coming closer together to be heard, faceplates retracting so they could speak, or touching helmets so the suit would pick up the vibrations.
So it wasn't just her, then, but her podmates, too. All of them were eyeing the hill, now, Serenie's sinking suspicion catching on. Then, everyone was calling out activity at once, some of them pointing in different directions, clumsily sighting down their rifles without the HUD to guide their targeting reticle.
"Everyone fall back. Rifles up- rifles up! Those are not friendlies!"
Movement from the crest of the ridge, figures pointing down at them, including the long barrels of unusual weaponry, the likes of which Serenie had seen glimpses of before, and again in her nightmares. Voices called out over one another, without a comms system to filter or grant priority.
"Motion! I've got motion!"
"It's an ambush!"
"Identify and surrender now! Lay down your weapons!" The sergeant yelled. There was no answer, but neither side opened fire. "Identify yourselves immediately!" Bellowed the sergeant, again, switching her command suit to loudly project her voice in the local tongue. "Surrender immediately!" Serenie was pulling Zell back. They were vastly outnumbered.
Those low, unmistakable, clipped and precise tones of the Emperor of Mankind that her translator didn't need to pick up had her heart thrumming in her ears too loud to even make out the words, no matter how clearly enunciated they were. She knew what they meant well enough, and her steps backward started carrying her out of the woods on instinct.
For what it was worth, her sergeant didn't balk, and renewed her demands.
"Surrender immediately! Lay down your arms!"
The response was as sudden as it was brutal. Where once Sergeant Patmorica had stood, now there was empty air. Something powerful cleaved her in half, a sharp roar of noise following as the hypersonic round split the air in a deafening thunderclap.
She hadn't quite been vaporized, rather jerked clean off her feet by a sudden and terrible impact, boots leaving the ground and her body separated at the middle, halves toppling to the ground and held together by the just as suddenly exposed entrails. The shock of the impact had surely killed her instantly.
Serenie turned on her heel and ran for her life.

First Blood

"Sur-ren-dar!" The call sounded out from the valley below. One of those few words the Shil'vati knew and uttered almost every time we met, often before we'd even begun fighting.
I grabbed the megaphone, irritated that I'd been kept waiting so long for them to show up. "We don't have enough facilities to take you all prisoner. Please elect your bravest, most stalwart defenders of your way of life, and have them step forward into the line of fire for us to dispose of. The remainder of you will be afforded the same kindness as you have given our civilians. As you're unfamiliar with democracy and the concept of 'voting,' we'll give you a moment to conform to our system of governance and culture, whether you like it or not. You get an unreasonably short amount of time to comply."
I tossed the Megaphone back down to Larry, who stared up at me with wide eyes. The sound of wind through the trees was all endured for now, a shocked silence settling in.
"What?" I asked, hefting the railgun up to my shoulder with a shrug and aiming down the sights at the one who continued to bellow threats. It seemed we had a volunteer. "Turnabout is fair play."
I raised an open hand to all those who had watched, and the stunned silence turned to eager discipline, men sighting irons and readying themselves to unleash hell as I lowered my hand slowly, indicating I was to take the first shot.
"The Emperor has given his orders!" He bellowed into the megaphone. "Hold the line! Hold for the signal!"
I squeezed off the first round, letting the railgun round kick- and this time I was braced for it. The shot took the woman right in the midsection, and tore her apart. Screaming and shouting from below- but no signs of an immediate mass surrender.
"FIRE!"
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I would like to transition (Male to Female) now. I am 18 Years old, living in Melbourne. I need help.
Who am I? - I was born a boy - I identified as female to online friends since I was 13. - At 15 I told my mum I want to be a girl, but she was devastated and made it about herself, and how I would "ruin her life", and many horrible things about transgender people. After this I stopped everything but that is obviously not going to last long. - When I was 16 I started dressing feminine and trying to look feminine where possible, told anyone who needed to know I was a femboy because I was still making my mind up. - When I turned 17 I became a girl in my head, and I told my friends about half a year later.
Current Situation (skip to here) - Now I am 18 (19 in August). I want to start HRT. It's not a rush because I already pass as a girl to strangers, but my body is bad and I still have dysphoria most of the time. - My mental health is suffering because of this. Its become a struggle to go outside because I don't want people to see me. I think I will stop going outside forever if I can't make a change (I don't want this!!!) - I don't care about if I hurt my mum by transitioning because she already hurt me. - My dad and I have a spotty relationship, because I feel like he was extremely moody and bipolar throughout my teenage years, making him unapproachable. - When I was younger he used to watch people like Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan so I avoided talking to him about this when I was 15, however I haven't seen him watching them for a long time now so I think he grew out of it. - He has become an understanding person now, so I am safe. He told me he is suspicious of me being transgender a year ago and that its okay and he understands its confronting, so I can talk to him when I need to but I never took up the offer, now he seems not to think about it though.
How can I start HRT? I want to start HRT but I don't know how to do it. I am 18 years old, Australian Citizen. I don't have a lot of money but I do have a casual job. Where can I go for HRT? Any GP? or do I need a special place? I really like my GP, so I would like to see her if possible. How much will it cost. My parents have private insurance, I don't know how to use it without them knowing. I want to know how much doctors appointments and HRT itself costs. I don't really have friends to help me.
I just need a helping hand in how to get started. The start of anything can be very daunting to me, and I struggle a lot. I am sorry if this information is already out there. I tried to google it but I couldn't find out some important stuff I need, which is mainly where I need to go, how much it will cost me, how can I use health insurance, especially considering I am already on my family's private health insurance. I am legally an adult but I am very new and inexperienced to the adult world, and I don't understand how many things work. Thinking about anything to do with being transgender is very overwhelming to me, which is why I have made such minimal progress in the past year.
Thank you for your time. If you ask any questions, I will try to respond. I wont answer personal questions if they are a privacy risk.

Last night I was having some aches and pains because of these damn things hanging from my chest, and i had to sit there and actually lift them up to stop all the pressure they were putting on my abdomen. I like being on the bustier side, don't get me wrong, but in that moment I actually missed being flat chested. I do like my chest but they don't really feel like a part of my body in moments like that, just more like a nuisance. I'd never get them reduced, but some says I wish they were a removable accessory along with the bra 😭

So, I overslept this morning and woke up to my wife basically shaking me out of my sleep. I had taken some meds (headache, nausea and body pains) last night that completely knocked me out and caused me to sleep through my alarms.
In my opinion, the above is what triggered the shit show that was to follow.
Because I drop my wife at work in the morning, I had a little over half an hour to get myself up, drop her off and be back at home in time for morning meeting at 8am. This usually takes me about 40 minutes, so I was a little behind and decided to forego my morning poop.
My wife, being the darling that she is, had my coffee waiting for me so I gulped it down, grabbed an orange and we headed out.
The drive to her work was longer than usual due to the fact that it was raining. I felt the familiar feeling of a fart and let it out gently, so as not to disturb the poop that laid in wait behind it.
This was no ordinary fart. It smelled of rotting potatoes with a hint of egg and an almost palpable tanginess. I tried to warn my wife of the stench that was about to violate her nose, but alas, it was too late.
She had smelt what I had dealt and immediately started to dry heave. As I rolled the windows down to let my egg salad perfume out, she vomited. At least she had the presence of mind to do so in a gift bag that had been lying in the car. About 2 minutes later, we pulled up at her work and she got out to check if she had messed on her clothing.
She was clean but my car now smelled of stomach juice and coffee. I offered to help her in and let her know that I would clean the little bit of mess that had hit the floor, seeing that this was my fault.
She disappeared into the building and I pulled out some wet wipes and got to cleaning the car, as I could not stand the smell and I still had a 20 minute drive home.
I looked for a bin to put the vomit filled gift bag in, but there was non. So I got a plastic carrier bag and sort of wrapped the everything up in it. It was secure and I was certain that it would be fine on the quick drive home.
I got into the car and started my drive home, noting that I was about 20 minutes behind. I pulled over and shot my 2IC a message to let her know I would be late and that she should run our catch up this morning.
I was about to pull away when the poop decided it would like to see the light of day. I was about 15 minutes from home and didn't think I would be able to make it. So I turned back and went to my wife's work place to relieve myself.
As I pulled up, the poop knocked on my poop door once more and I clenched as hard as I could, but ultimately, a little bit of it crossed the line and was now snuggled between the cheeks of my bum. I waddled over to the door and once inside, made a beeline to the bathroom on the 2nd floor.
As I got into the stall, I fumbled the lock and as I attempted to latch the door, the liquid slosh that was begging for release decided to make another push. This time, I could not hold it back and a warm stream of poop ran down my leg. Luckily I was wearing my thermal underwear and it caught all of the poop, so my jeans was spared. However, my undies were now an improvised poop holding device.
I started to strip and carefully took off my clean clothes but my socks, undies and vest were ruined.
I stood in the stall and wiped myself down, carefully removed the poop soaked clothing and stood there. Naked as the day I was born. Thinking about how I ended up in this situation.
My thoughts were disrupted by the stall door flying open. A man, probably about 60 years old, locked eyes with me, looked down at the poop bundle on the floor and immediately back tracked. I hurriedly cleaned up, got dressed and hoped he was gone by the time I was done. He was.
I washed myself up and folded my clothes so that no poop was visible. There were no bins in the bathroom so I decided to dispose of it outside. There were no bins outside either, as mentioned, so I chucked the poopy clothes into the vomit bag and made the difficult trip home.
Now this is generally where you would expect a story to end. But for me, this was not the end....
As mentioned, it was raining and for some reason, people forget how to drive in the rain.
I had the windows rolled down slightly to air the car and as I was getting my shit together, my cell rings. I am not in the habit of answering calls whilst driving, so I let it run to voicemail. This happened 3 more times and I decided that it was important enough to take the call.
As I looked down to answer my cell, the guy in front of me hit the brakes to avoid hitting someone else. My reaction time was good, and I managed to hit the brakes in time to avoid hitting him. However, the sudden stop caused the poopy clothes vomit bag to open and spill onto the floor of the car.
I was now driving with I can only describe as a biohazard. In terms of smell and visual, it was a disaster. I gagged and yelled at myself to hold it together.
At this point I was about 3 mins from home. I thought I could make it but literally as I pulled into the driveway, my gag reflex gave up. I vomited all over myself and the steering wheel.
I have since managed to clean the car. I've dumped all of the cursed clothes I had worn this morning and taken the day off work.
I haven't told my wife and probably won't.
Tldr; Felt shitty, took meds, overslept, pooped myself, vomited on myself and spoiled the carpet in my car.

Hello everyone, I just received the results for my AWS SAA-C03 certification and it was a pass! I wanted to share my tips and experience with the sub.
I have been working with AWS services for about 1.5 years. I followed the CloudAcademy course and produced an extensive notebook with all details regarding the various services and best practices.
I practiced with intermediate test on CloudAcademy as well as mock exams. I also did mock exams on Whizlabs and went through ~300 questions on ExamTopics.
Honestly I found the mock exams on CloudAcademy and Whizlabs to be more difficult than the actual exam, which was more similar in fashion to ExamTopics.
In the mock exams, I scored ~50% the first time and then I would consistently get in the 70s. In ExamTopics, instead, I would hardly get questions wrong unless it was about some edge-case or trick question.
In any case, I would go through the questions I got wrong and study the explanations. Once I fully understood the concepts, I would integrate the missing information into my kotes.
I also recommend revising your notes often. I would re-read everything every now and then and I also did this the night before the exam.
Best luck to everyone, I hope sharing my experience was helpful.

Hello guys.
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I started this year with good health and one thought: Tio start going to fitness in order to get back to my fitness body level and start feeling more active and good.
It was 24th of February and I returned from a 1 hour Gym cario session. Get a shower and with my wife started waching a movie on the TV. I was realxing and watching a fine movie and then suddenly I get cold sweats, got two extrasystoles which I felt like my hert stops and then starts two times but felt like it I had a stone for a heart. Saw my two beats in my chests - pounding.
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Then suddenly my heart starting beating really fast - 160 - 170 BPM. Told my wife to call an ambulance, and while we're waiting for it, she took my BP with a device. The interesting part is that the device couldn't catch my current BP and Pulse. My wife told me that she could see my heart beating trough my chest. I was totally scared. My veins on the legs and on the arms became from vissible to hidden. I started breating slowly but deeply, which did not work. For almost 10 minutes I did this breathing excecise. AFter that the ambulance came and the doctors there took my Blood Sugar levels and my Blood Pressure. It turned aout that my Blood Sugar was 5.0, and my blood pressure was 160/110 with 140 pulse. They told me that I had panick attack and to calm down.
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After they left and tehre was 5 minutes after it, I god another cold sweats and fast heart beat all over again. I felt like I'm gonna die. Called them again to get back ASAP. They did and took me into the ER. In the ER they started waching my BP and heart rate. My BP was 140/90 and my heart rate was 97 constant. They told me there that it might be due to Electrolyte Imbalance. They gave me Natrium Bromide and told me to go home and sleep it off. I did that, Slept it off, then the next morning I get up normally, made myself a coffee and got to the PC because my work is stationary. Then suddenly, my stomach felt like it is swallowing itsleft and then cold feet and hands, and then again another high BP and pulse episode. Called EMS and they told me that if I didn't have chest pains, left or right shoulder pain or numbness and neck or jaw pain and numbness I had panick attack and to calm down. But I was not satisfied with that. So in the same moment I made an appointment with Cardiologist.
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Got to the Cardiologist which put me trough EKG, listened to my heart, saw it under Echocardiogram and told me that nothing wrong with my heart. But prescribed me Nebivolol of 5 miligrams one tablet per day for a week because of my high blood pressure. Nebivolol made my life sucks more and I stopped it after taking it for 2 days. I couldn't deal with it more. Then these episodes came back with full steam. Started managing it with Yogurt and cinnamon, but it was not enough. Made another apointmet to another cardiologist for second opinion. The second Docotr, told me that it was I was obese, but my heart was very healthy. I didn't belive that. Also she told me to take blood tests. I did it and all my blood tests was very good.
She advised me to walk 10 KM per day at minimum and to lose 10 KG in three months. I did take this advise serously but she didn't prescribed anything only that I can continue taking yougurt with cinnamon to control my BP. I was not satisifed, because it wasn't a solutuion nor a cure for me. It happened again. Then I made an apointment to another Cardiologist. He took EKG but while taking it, I was having panic attack or anxiety attack one of these, and my heart rate was 94 and my BP was 140/90. On the EKG he saw VT displacement and told me to go for Coronography. I was stunned and shoked at first and my BP and pusle got to the roof. Again I was not satisfied.
Then I started to search for the best Cardiologinst in the town and stumble accros it in a Forum where people with really bad heart conditions started to recover from him. Called him and made an appointment. When I got to his office with all my EKGs, Heart Echoes and blood work results, he told me that he saw a really healthy heart and nothing to worry about. For the EKG that showed VT displacement a bit, he told me that this could happen during panick or anxiety attack.
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He put me on EKG and did these test:
- Normal ekg while I was breathing normally. Showed the same thing. He told me that this is not correct and told me to take deep breath and hold it for at least 30 seconds while he will take another EKG to exclude any heart damage or issues.
- After taking deep breath for 30 secs, my pulse from 95 dropped to 65, and all my EKG was normal without any displacement and any of that shit. He told me that most doctors doesn't bother to do it, because either they don't have the necessary experience or they don't care.
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Took echo of my heart, my blood vessels, kidneys, liver and arteries. Told me that everything is good. And I get panick attacks from the gases that are in my colon, which displace my diaphragm and which in turn displaces my heart. I get extrasystoles and then sudden panick attacks. Prescribed me Concor of 5mg to taking it morning and night by 2x 2.5mg for 15 days, and then 2,5mg for another 15 days and then to throw it away. I did that. No more High BP, ocasionally extrasystoles but when I ate or I feel full and bent over or duck. No more high pusle. I was relieved, very relieved.
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After this month I decided to stop it as the doctor told me. After 1 week the symthoms got back. Started taking it again only 2,5mg per day. Symthoms managed. Now I am at a crossroad here. Almost every doctor tells me that my heart is good and healthy, there is no heart conditions at all. I started walking and taking medications for my gas issues. Also I turned to the EASTERN MEDICINE (Chinese Medicine) Acupuncture. Today I treid again for almost 5 days I felt good until today which another episode. And I feel again like shit.Heart rate 115-120, couldn't take BP because I was outside and it was really hot (It is summer) and I was in sweat eveyrwhere on my body because of the hot weather. I get back home without feeling my heart rate at all. Got to the bathroom and did my job there, and then BAM -> extrasystole two times. No high pulse more than 120bpm but still it's not good. Took Concor 2,.5mg and my symptoms got away after 10-15 minutes.
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I need and advise now: To start check for General Panic Disorder or another appoinmtment with my last Cardiologist who was the best at least for me or to look for another dcotor. I am taking also magnesium 500 mg per day as supplement.
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Thank you guys for your support here!
Much appreciated!

for years i’ve always wanted to work at universal’s halloween horror nights. last year i skipped auditions because i had another job, but this year is finally my chance. i reserved a time slot but i’m feeling a lot of anxiety and want to bail. i know i’ll regret it if i do but i have no idea what to expect or what they’ll have us doing and it’s making me not want to go. i wish i could just shut my anxiety off and fucking go for it

As the title says. 2012 was an extremely stressful year for me with US immigration. By Dec 2012, I had gained weight and I missed 1 period. I was told that my insulin was high, i had some hirsutism and that I had PCOS. No imaging studies or ultrasound, just a male endocrinologist and one lab draw. I was immediately put on the highest dose of 2000mg metformin which I had to take 4 times a day at 500mg because the 1000mg pill was too harsh on my stomach. The past few years have been increasingly hard for me to manage my condition despite researching so much about the condition. The PCOS diet wasn't working, master cleanse for 30 days would give me 2-3 months relief from GI and weight issues, the supplements barely helped (trust me, I have tried every herb and supplement listed in research to help with PCOS) . I tried spirolactone with no success. My hirsutism was always limited to 2-3 bumps along the jawline. A few supplements for inflammation helped. I was increasingly sensitive to every type of food and tried histamine intolerance diet. I saw an allergist/immunologist (very allergic to pine bark/pycnogenol), GI specialist, female endocrinologist, reproductive specialist. I even had a colonoscopy/endoscopy and work-up for celiac disease (negative but some wheat intolerance). My sister paid for food sensitivities testing, and I adjusted my diet (turns out my #1/2 sensitivities were carrots and horseradish...odd, but good info). I was still having post prandial extreme bloating and started to feel sick in the mornings and I couldn't get out of bed. I tried antidepressants, but I kept feeling like it was an organic/physical depression. I gained 60lbs in 6 months. I couldn't sleep, my long time insomnia got worse and worse. I started to experience eyelid swelling, centripetal obesity, moon face. I suspected adrenal insufficiency and started to take melatonin and vitamin d as a remedy for histamine intolerance - with this I could sleep 2-3 hrs max. I felt like I was swelling up like Violet in Willy Wonka. I tried to see my endocrinologist but after a few years of no success and insurance rejecting Ozempic it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me.
I woke up end of April one morning and my first thought was "I feel like I'm going to die today if I don't get some help". I slowly got myself together, called my mom to come with me and finally went to urgent care with her because of my eyelid swelling. I didn't know what else to do. A doctor there who usually works emergency looked at me and suggested a differential diagnosis of Cushing's syndrome. He said he felt helpless because he couldn't do the workup he wanted at urgent care - but he listened to me. I cried. My testosterone had always tested normal and my AMH was slightly better than ideal for my age (I started my fertility consultation in the fall). Cushing's made perfect sense.
I got an ambulatory referral from him to endocrinology and a new list of specialists. I saw one 2 days later. I changed my diet and supplement routine to Cushing's/cortisol diet and finally no bloating, constipation and my energy returned. I finally lost weight naturally without resorting to extreme methods. I started drinking carbonated water after watching a Dr. Berg video on it and it had potassium chloride and I had extreme diuresis for 2-3 days and puffiness went away. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I didn't have any eye bags. Cortisol creates metabolic alkalosis and edema (where sodium goes, water follows) so sodium-free carbonated water has helped so much in balancing out the edema. Cortisol itself raises histamine (which vitamin D and melatonin block), but Cortisol Releasing Hormone is an anti-histamine so it becomes a feedback loop as the body raises CRH to lower histamine. Increasing my calcium (fresh cheese only -ricotta) and potassium intake has helped as well. Pomegranate, Garlic, Horsetail, and Stinging Nettle too. I have a list, and I have started to slowly reintegrate some foods. I no longer struggle to process gluten or have histamine responses to food. My sleep is slowly improving. Now that I know the signs of the cortisol spikes (eyelid edema is an lesser known sign, insomnia etc) I can manage it better. My hirsutism has gone away - still some scars from the repeated inflammation but they are totally flat - not one inflammed follicle. My hair has grown back (I was having androgenic alopecia and had 2-3 bald spots).
Since then, I've had a pelvic abdominal CT, more extensive lab work finally done, and transvaginal ultrasound. I was cleared of PCOS this morning by my new primary care doctor who is amazing and old-school. He told me that I will taper off metformin for the next month or two (I had already kind of started to not take it) and that 10 years of hypoglycemic episodes from the medication likely caused my adrenals to finally quit and protest which is why cortisol took over and it looks like Cushing's - my body was and is sensitive to stress. I'm still getting some additional testing to rule out sleep issues.
I feel like I finally have my life back. Misdiagnosis sucks and I'm still obviously processing everything. I desperately want to lose this weight I've gained but I'm trying to be compassionate towards myself - healing is not linear and recovery will take time.
I know there's a bigger reason to why my path was so hard. I will still hang around and try to offer tips where I can as the androgenic aspect of stresses out adrenal glands was the same as having PCOS. Cushing's/cortisol-dominance and PCOS/estrogen-dominance are hard to differentiate and I am still working through the nuances but I've found some things that work.
Hopefully this story/vent will help you think carefully about your symptoms and empower you to keep pushing forward until you experience the relief and medical responsiveness we all deserve.
TLDR - misdiagnosed with PCOS. If you take anything from this, please let it be the following:

1. Get a second medical opinion.
2. Listen to your body, if nothing is working it may be a sign too. It doesn't always mean you're failing to manage your health. Don't internalize it that way.
3. Doctors are not gods. They don't like to feel helpless but admitting that they don't know the answers may be the first step towards getting healthy - only stick with one that looks you in the eyes and listens.
4. Don't quit. It took me finding a thousand ways that didn't work before landing on misdiagnosis - but the knowledge I've gained from research I hope to help others with someday (I am in my PhD but decided I definitely want to finish my MD that I started as well/transfer to that program).