Today I woke up and when I went to take my pills (concerta 27/36) I couldn't remember if I had taken them before, so I decided to take one 27 mg and one 18 mg.
Later I had to go to pay for my high school diploma and on the way I started to feel pain in my chest, top left, this had already happened to me 4 years ago (when I played football/soccer) but it hurt more and it was on the right in the middle, later I started to feel a bit weak and dizzy.
I am writing this to find out if it is due to drinking too much, if it has something to do with the heart (the medical tests are always perfect) or if it is just something specific and unimportant.

To any o level taker this year who is considering poly, don't I got 4points L1R5 (I don't take HMT) back in 2021 but went poly because I had EAE'd into my AI course and i thoroughly regret it.
I initially went poly because my parents thought I would do better here as I don't like mugging and I was pretty good at coding and computers. This decision has probably reduced my future income by like 3k at least.
WHY POLY SUCKS
1: Unfairness
GPA only thing that matters right? Guess what, different courses and schools have different difficulties, how is it fair that we only use GPA as a metric of skill? Additionally, some lecturers are ridiculously bias. For example, at the start of last semester, on the second week the teacher openly said "I can already predict most of your grades" and surprise surprise the grades for project matches her predictions. I consistently get As for every written exam but for project work despite following the marking rubrics and genuinely putting in effort, I sometimes get B+. Why? The teacher says that each class only two people can get A for that project. That's the dumbest shit i've ever heard, what if one class has better people than others?
It's as if the teacher genuinely doesn't look at marking rubric at all. For my sem 1 programming module, I literally allowed my friend to wholesale copy my project because he was struggling and I got an A while he got a C+. C+! fucking C+ for the SAME PROJECT. He fucked up the interview but interview only 15%.
I'll openly admit that the modules that I cheat in (bypass that spyware that is lockdown browser, copy project work from seniors/peers) I score A where the modules where I do from scratch myself is B+
2: Dumb modules
Some module exams are just downright retarded. I took programming in o levels and yes we had to write down pseudo code but in Poly is a whole new level. I've had multiple modules now where you have to write code (SQL, Python, Javascript) on pen and paper. This is quite dumb IMO but edz what edz at least its fair in the sense that everyone has to do the same thing
What is dumb asf is that some modules the lecturers and the online resources are just straight up useless. For my data engineering module, we are given the past year MST for practice but no answer sheet for that MST. Why? Because the module coordinator says the papers are too similar and giving out the answer sheet will allow people to memorize. WTF IS THE POINT OF A PAPER FOR PRACTICE IF I DON'T KNOW MY PRACTICE IS RIGHT OR NOT? MY FAULT YOU DONT KNOW HOW SET A GOOD PAPER IS IT? In the end the answer sheet got leaked because a senior screenshotted it last year and sent it to some of us. Surprise Surprise the mst was EXACTLY like the previous year just the names change so the people who had the previous year answer sheet had a HUUUUGE advantage over everyone else.
3: Easier
One reason I joined poly is because I thought it would mean I would study less. No this is not the case pleaase dont do this your gpa will be shit. I know A Levels is very difficult(O Levels is a joke in comparison) but poly is not easy. For poly, you're just memorizing dumb shit the day before MST to game the system similar to doing TYS for O Levels. Only difference is that there is like 8 "O Levels" within the 3 years you're in poly.
4: Attendance
Like an actual dumb ass i chose to go to a poly thats 1.5 hours away from my house. Most modules the lecturers are useless, they just stand there and ask you to read the async slides on your laptop. Because of this, I like to pon school a lot. This hurts my grades because of class part, and I had to BEG one lecturer to increase my attendance because it went below 75% (Pass/Fail). Why does my attendance matter?? If I can do without attending your class means I can do right??
5: GPA
I can confidently say I know jackshit about the modules I've gotten "Distinctions" in while I am actually better at the modules I got a B+ in. This is why Uni's are hesitant to accept most poly students because the difficulty varies so much you don't really know who you're dealing with. I got a D+ for a presentation module because of uncooperative teammates and a snake and that completely decimated my GPA. as of Y1S2 my GPA of 3.55 genuinely depresses me because my max GPA now is like 3.86 or smth which is nowhere near as high as I want it to be. At least if I went to RI I would literally have some academic gods as friends and a semi-decent chance at getting 90RP. Now even if I go god-mode for the next two years I got a pretty trash chance at even getting into big 3 comp-sci or smth. Oh well such is life. Maybe i'll try and take A-Levels privately during NS.
Basically, If you are pretty decent at your studies and want best chance at going to Uni, go to JC. Poly > Uni is arguable harder IMO. I genuinely think i've destroyed or at least severely hurt my future by going into poly, don't believe the bullshit that going to poly is the right choice for top scorers.
FUCK POLY
made some really good friends though

I'm worried I may have brain damage - Please read
tldr or smthg : scared i might have tbi/brain damage due to concussive state in year 9, minor incidents in year 5 and year 10. high results all round, never really study too much.
​
Experiences
When I was in YEar 2 - Year 4 I was very bright, smart child and commended by my parents, teachers and other specialists. In year 5, I got in a fight and someone hit me in the back of the head with small fists around the back of my head (the area where hair usually ends after a fresh cut), and the area had swollen parts to it for a while that hurt to touch. I don't remember having bad symptoms or any head aches necessarily, but remember crying and having enough capacity to tell teacher and stuff.
After than incident I have done still really well in schooling with scholarships everything etc and NAPLAN up until Year 9, where I fell hitting the topish of my head, I think i got a minor concussion as my walking was very fuzzy and weak, I still remember everything that happened clearly on that day and even remarking to my friend about it, also I had bad headache that day that went away. stupidly, i didn't tell others in my recollection and didnt get help, just slept it out. After that incident, I still did very well in school, but had a study slump where I had bad mental health etc that could've impacted it and got really high grades that matched my previous performance and even better in the circumstances.
Fast forward to Year 10, my brow bone where my eyebrows are got hit by cricket ball with helment, that didn't do anything as it hit up rather than straight at my head, and this unlucky happened 6 times over two months, but it definitely wasn't forceful hits just stung. The last two hits led me to feel little tired but nothing out the normal, i definitely think that it was just my mind making it up as i was worried about it. During these incidents, I explicably noticed that my head didn’t shake in the slightest like quarter of a shake as if one was at a rock concert shaking their head
Tbh after these incidents my year 10 is of to very strong start with math and science, so idk.
Reaasoning
TO these events, Im scared something could've impacted my intelligence and cognitive ability. reasonig for this is that i feel my memory decreased, it could be attributed to my constant fatigue sometimes, mental health sadness and that i've stopped reading.
Also, i don't have proper reasoning for my iq reducing as my scores are high and my school results are constantly competitive with top 3 at shcool but i did completely flunk NAPLAN which i didn't try and was late to as I got high Band 9 for math, and some band 10s for english when in year 5 i got decently higher (yr 7 skipped due to covid). However, like im not sure with my worry and anxiety over this i started picking up when I forget things, and its worrying. .
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Background context etc
Ive done IQ tests including Italian one that had large sample data, MENSA norway i think and the psychometrics test by WASIQ i think it was, and I got 133, 118, 135 respectively. Im not sure if it really has been impacted however.
For some reason, in maths I always find myself performing bad on NAPALN and stuff as such for some reason but do very very well in other tests with minimal practice.
I procrastinate a lot in my studies but still manage to memorise when it matters and do pretty welll (A - A+), sometimes i start studying 5 days into a two topic test for example.
I struggle with mental health, dont have any bad thoughts but when i do it means i get brain fog and just fatigue with the sadness.
Im 15, year 10.
I have a lot of test anxiety and make silly mistakes that take away marks and never that I don;t understand a topic in tests.
I am studying to be a doctor, im afraid this could impact my ucat.

Introduction to studying in Russia

Russia is a popular destination for international students seeking higher education and مهاجرت تحصیلی. The country has a long and rich history of scientific excellence, and some of the world's most prestigious universities and research institutes are located in Russia.
Russia's higher education system places a strong emphasis on science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM) fields, making it an attractive destination for students interested in pursuing careers in these fields. However, it also offers a wide range of programs in other fields, including humanities, social sciences and business.
One of the most important advantages of studying in Russia is affordability. Tuition fees at Russian universities are relatively low compared to other countries, and many universities offer scholarships and financial aid to international students.
Another advantage of studying in Russia is the possibility of learning Russian, which is one of the most common languages in the world. Studying in Russia also introduces the rich culture and history of this country and offers students a unique and valuable experience.
However, studying in Russia can be challenging, especially for students unfamiliar with the language or culture. It is essential to plan ahead and research the needs and resources available to international students, such as language courses, student support services, and housing options.
Overall, studying in Russia can be a great opportunity for students looking for a high-quality education and a unique cultural experience.
Study proposal: Everything you need to know to study in Canada

Why study in Russia?

There are several compelling reasons why students should consider studying in Russia:

1. High-Quality Education: Russia has a long tradition of academic excellence, and its universities are known for their high-quality education and research-intensive programs. Many Russian universities are ranked among the top universities in the world, particularly in STEM fields.
2. Affordable Education: Tuition fees in Russian universities are relatively low compared to other countries, making it an attractive option for international students. In addition, many universities offer scholarships and financial aid to international students.
3. Cultural Experience: Russia has a rich and diverse culture, with a long history of art, literature, music, and theater. Studying in Russia provides students with a unique opportunity to experience this rich culture firsthand and immerse themselves in the local way of life.
4. Language Learning: Russian is one of the world's most widely spoken languages, and studying in Russia provides an excellent opportunity to learn the language. Knowing Russian can be an asset in many fields, particularly in the STEM fields, where many scientific papers are published in Russian.
5. Job Opportunities: Russia has a growing economy and a strong demand for skilled workers, particularly in the STEM fields. Studying in Russia can provide students with access to a range of job opportunities and valuable connections in their field of study.
6. International Recognition: Russian degrees are recognized worldwide and are highly valued in many countries. Graduates of Russian universities are highly sought after by employers, particularly in the STEM fields.

Overall, studyingin Russia can be a rewarding experience that offers high-quality education, cultural immersion, language learning, and valuable job opportunities. It is also an opportunity to make new connections, build a global network, and broaden your horizons. However, it is important to research and plan ahead to ensure that you have the resources and support you need to succeed, including language courses, student support services, and housing options.
Study proposal: Conditions and documents required to obtain a Turkish student visa

Popular universities in Russia

Russia has a long and rich tradition of academic excellence, and there are many prestigious universities across the country. Here are some of the most popular universities in Russia:

1. Lomonosov Moscow State University: Established in 1755, Moscow State University is one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in Russia, and it is consistently ranked among the top universities in the world. It offers a wide range of undergraduate and graduate programs in various fields, including STEM, humanities, and social sciences.
2. Saint Petersburg State University: Founded in 1724, Saint Petersburg State University is one of the oldest universities in Russia and is located in the historic city of Saint Petersburg. It is known for its strength in STEM fields, particularly in physics and mathematics.
3. Bauman Moscow State Technical University: Established in 1830, Bauman Moscow State Technical University is one of the leading engineering universities in Russia, with a focus on technology and innovation.
4. Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology: Commonly known as "Russia's MIT," the Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology is a leading research university in Russia, with a strong focus on physics, mathematics, and computer science.
5. Tomsk State University: Located in the Siberian city of Tomsk, Tomsk State University is one of the oldest and most respected universities in Russia, with a focus on STEM fields and a strong emphasis on research.
6. Novosibirsk State University: Founded in 1958, Novosibirsk State University is a leading research university in Siberia, with a strong focus on STEM fields, particularly in physics, mathematics, and computer science.
7. Kazan Federal University: Established in 1804, Kazan Federal University is one of the oldest universities in Russia and is located in the historic city of Kazan. It is known for its strength in STEM fields, particularly in chemistry and physics.
8. National Research Nuclear University MEPhI: Founded in 1942, MEPhI is a leading research university in Russia, with a focus on nuclear physics, engineering, and technology.
9. Higher School of Economics: Established in 1992, the Higher School of Economics is a leading research university in Russia, with a focus on economics, social sciences, and humanities.
10. Ural Federal University: Located in the city of Yekaterinburg, Ural Federal University is one of the largest universities in Russia, with a wide range of undergraduate and graduate programs in various fields, including STEM, humanities, and social sciences.

These are just a few examples of the many excellent universities in Russia. It's essential to research the programs, faculty, and resources available at each university to find the best fit for your academic and personal goals.

Admission process and requirements

The admission process and requirements for studying in Russia can vary depending on the university and program you are applying to. However, here are some general requirements and steps you can expect:

1. Choose a Program and University: Research the available programs and universities in Russia and select the one that best fits your academic and personal goals.
2. Check Admission Requirements: Check the admission requirements for the program and university you are interested in. These requirements may include academic transcripts, language proficiency test scores, letters of recommendation, and a personal statement.
3. Apply Online: Many universities in Russia have an online application system. You will need to create an account, fill out the application form, and submit the required documents. Be sure to pay attention to the application deadline, which can vary by program and university.
4. Take Language Proficiency Tests: If your program is taught in Russian, you will need to demonstrate proficiency in the Russian language. Many universities in Russia accept the Test of Russian as a Foreign Language (TORFL) as proof of language proficiency.
5. Obtain a Student Visa: Once you have been accepted to a program in Russia, you will need to obtain a student visa. This process can take several weeks, so it's essential to start early.
6. Register with the University: Upon arrival in Russia, you will need to register with your university and obtain any necessary documents, such as a student ID and a residence permit.

It's important to note that the admission process and requirements can vary dependingon the university and program you are applying to, so it's essential to check the specific requirements for your chosen university and program.
In general, however, international students applying to universities in Russia must have completed secondary education equivalent to the Russian system and hold a recognized qualification, such as a high school diploma or equivalent. Additionally, students must demonstrate proficiency in the language of instruction, which is typically Russian.
Most universities require applicants to submit an application form, academic transcripts, and a certificate of language proficiency. Some programs may also require letters of recommendation, a personal statement, and/or an entrance exam.
It's important to note that the admission process for some universities in Russia can be highly competitive, particularly for popular programs. Therefore, it's essential to start the application process early and ensure that you meet all the requirements before applying.
Overall, the admission process and requirements for studying in Russia can be complex, but with careful planning and attention to detail, international students can successfully navigate the process and gain admission to a top university in Russia.

I know the common thing is for asian parents (even siblings) to compare you to against other people's kids. In my case they are literally concentrating there comparison on this ONE indvidual (lets call her Martha) hich is making my life right now feel like a constant rivalry against them
I want to ignore it but it's so hard when you're constantly showered with Martha's accomplishments, intelligence, test scores, and worst of all right now is the university comparison (bc im a senior in high school going into uni, the only thing my brother talks about is Martha's ivy league university)
How can I live with this for the next 4 years...

We dated online for almost 3 months and we were very good friends for a year.. we considered each other as our best friend and everything started out great. We were gonna meet as soon as this summer or next year when we begin our college and had lots of plans..
We had an amazing start since we already knew each other for very long. we made 5 rules among each other. 1. Mutual respect 2. Always being there for each 3. No lying or cheating 4. Studies before anything 5. Giving time to the other person if needed... She was 1 year and 8 months elder than me and im 16, She had autism and sometimes didnt know what was right or wrong but that didnt stop me from loving or caring for her. I would research on it a lot and hopefully try to understand her better, I knew for a year so I knew what she liked. Those little details which made her happy and everything I could do for her. We used to play a lot of roblox together and talk a lot everyday
​
We had a few low points however. I got to know about her past and it involved her being in a fwb for a little bit with someone irl and some "action" involved last December but nothing big at all.. she didnt want it and was always asked for it so they did only a little.. It was hard for me because I had a pretty bad past too which leaves me with flashbacks about it and it took me time to let this process within me.. I had asked a lot of questions to her and I made her feel bad..I felt guilty about it because she didnt want it and she had gone through some stuff when she felt lonely and the worst part is that I was her friend during then and always told her that she could talk to me..I also felt really bad because I had feelings for her since last year summer and then I just didnt tell her...I could really help her out there because she told me I made her realize what she had done was very wrong and hated herself for it and she also swore on me that she had changed and it motivated me to help her out.
​
We got over it together in the end and she thought i felt disgusted by it, I did tell her once that I was but then apologized the next day and always reminded her that I still love her which grows day by day. This was online but I had real feelings for her and since we were already gonna meet as friends earlier I really thought of giving this a chance and committing to it and by the looks of it we were doing great..
​
Another low point was me becoming very upset when she called herself someones ekitten while being with me, She had his account for safekeeping and put it in his about me saying it. that "someone" also would not behave well with her, I just hated the way he would. I told her that it really made us look like a "joke" but she told me it was all in for jokes and well I just told them to not do it again.
​
But ofcourse it had happened again a few weeks later when we both were playing and that guy tries to "rizz" her saying welp, words which really made me specifically look like a bad partner and yeah I told her about it but didnt blame her for anything because she didnt do anything this time. I then told him to not behave like he does to her and he agreed to and that was the end.
​
Some context about us when we were friends. My parents arent the best sometimes and well give me a really hard time, I also have had 2nd thoughts of my career change where I need to change my subject in high school and thats another problem with me, secondly, Im not able to score well because of it and it really makes them angry. They understand sometimes but when they dont, theyre the worst and tell me a lot of words which demotivate me, they have even wished me not being there sometimes which really made me upset and the only person I used to talk to about this was her and she was always there and would help me. This is when I suddenly started having feelings more than ever for her and I knew I had to tell her. I did and we got together and everything was going great, I tried my best with keeping this and it looked like everything surely was going amazing. She was like the most beautiful person I met in my life and she really understood me a lot and I did too for her.
​
And well now comes the very hard part.. A month ago was my birthday and she made it very special and memorable and we spent a lot of time together. But that was like the last time we spent quality time because after that I was gone for a week due to my tests and another week for my career errands I had to deal with, I didnt play with her but talked to her saying that Id be there with her soon and just needed some time and she agreed.
​
On 11th I was almost done with it and came back from a school trip and checked my phone and well.. I saw a message from her saying that she doesnt think shes ready for a relationship and prefers us being as friends instead and well. And wanted to be single... To me that was a disaster, losing her was my biggest fear and I just was really attached to her, I told her to not jump to conclusions and well Im here now and we can work on what she feels and improve it. She told me that she lost the "feeling" and maybe had feelings for another girl. The worst part is that she thought she lost her freedom.. when I asked her about it she meant that she couldnt "fuck" her friends and I fucking cried when I read that message. She told me that it would be cheating if she did it while being with me, but it seemed like it already maybe was since she liked another girl while she was with me...I told her that fwb was NEVER a good thing because first of all her friends are terrible irl, whenever she talked about them to me it wasnt good, they dont respect her opinion or her will. I told her that she would be used by them even if it made her happy in the beginning because in the end when they start expecting more and leave her noone but HER would be the one devasted...they wouldnt even love her. She was very beautiful and smart and noone deserves to go through that. She even mentioned that I could be her fwb. But I told her that if she wanted to do it with me later on, I would only if we were together because I loved her a lot and wouldnt want to make her feel bad later on. I sent her voice messages explaining her everything and I was tearing up at the same time. I told her if thats what she wanted then she could just wait until we meet and Id do anything to make her feel happy..
​
That day was very bad for me. I became desperate because I didnt want her to suffer later on. I started messaging her friend who she was close to and tried to explain it to her. I even fucking went to the guy who I didnt like because of his behaviour explaining him the situation, because we had been cool after I told him to not do those anymore. but he instead made it worse, he told me I was giving way too much personal info about someone he didnt "care". But she had told me that he was a close friend but not that close apparently.. The most crazy part is he randomly asked me a picture of me which i said no to but is so fricking stupid considering he told me I give out personal info. I only told him the main things about her autism because I didnt want her to think shes crazy. I didnt badmouth her and only explained the situation in hopes of getting advice or help.. I didnt tell him what she was gonna do as a single. Instead of helping me he told HER and she thought I was backstabbing her..she called me insane and about the part that she lost feelings..
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I told her losing feelings was common when you get to know the person more and that if we both worked together on it we can fix it, she included that our personalities didnt match but that is not true, we had similar interests, same taste in things and same opinions and we just got along in every single factor well. I told her that shes overthinking and should take it slow. She told me that she tried to keep this relationship by herself but I told her that trying to fix a relationship alone never works out unless both the people work on it together. When it came to her having feelings for a girl.. I asked her why because she was with me and that really seemed like her cheating on me..She told me more that the girl admitted to her and everything happened naturally because the 2 weeks I was gone they spent more time together. I told her why didnt she try to defend our relationship by saying no and instead focus on fixing it by talking to me
​
she told her that it wasn't her intention in the beginning to leave me. But it pretty much was obvious what would happen if she didnt try to defend us, I told her that not everything is lost and that I am here now and we can work on this together. I just needed that chance from her and I knew for a fact that it would work out because I knew her better than anyone after her family. She didnt give me that chance and kept saying she lost that feeling. I told her that I didnt want to force her to love me when she said so, I told her we could start fresh and work on this from the beginning. She didnt want to try it out.
​
The next day when I started losing hope I told her id become her fwb if thats what she wanted. My real reason for that is so that I could make her realize it and maybe change her to a better person. Maybe save our relationship too.. I didnt want to changer her decision but make her realize it herself. But then she suddenly became a follower of true love and told me that now she has genuine feelings towards that "girl" and wouldnt do those. But the worst part she told me after that is...
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She hid from me that it was actually a BOY. She said she didnt tell me that one little "detail" I got furious and heartbroken at the same time..I didnt know what she had in mind but she sent me a pic of him and to be honest it made it funny and I felt a lil bad for her...But she hid so much from me, I told her that this is considered cheating even though I hate saying it and she told me it wasnt. At the same time I talked to her other friend who really understood me and knew that she was doing the wrong thing.. She told me a lot of bad things and I took them all in me and focused on trying to help her more.. the reason why we did so well was because we knew each other well. She was in 2 relationships infront of me as a friend and it started quickly and ended badly because they just didnt care for her. When we got together she told me that I was the "one" and she actually felt love for the first time... We really did great together and I genuinely loved her wholeheartedly . The worst part is that now she told me that felt "love" for the first time with HIM. That made no sense. This "new" person she liked, this was no different then the previous 2 relationships she was in. I feel like she just told me she'd stay single so she could later be with him.. I just dont know.
​
She told me that she removed her mask, I knew she had autism and told her why she did it and she agreed to it. I told her I understand her and the reason why I havent yelled at her or become rude is because I know this isnt how she is despite her telling me she removed her mask. She was the same as a friend and a partner. She then made me talk to him...the person she liked.
​
He was total garbage. I asked him why he didnt tell her to talk to me, he called it fucking "influencing". Said it as if he didnt make her like him instead. She is pretty sensitive and if someones gets in her mind its hard for her. I told her that SHE is the one being influenced here and she shouldnt do this.. She hated me for talking to her friends and called me insane and backstabbing. She told me she didnt wanna be friends anymore now. I knew her for a year and this was how everything was ending. She told me she didnt want to give me any problems and thats why she didnt say about her feeling to me.. I wouldnt get angry or upset because when it comes to us I really would dedicate to helping us..
​
All this time I talked to her I made a group with 3 of my close friends who would help me say what I should to her so that it makes a point and maybe helps her realize what shes doing. I talked calmly to her and really kept my cool even though in the other side I was crying over the fact that Im losing her. She had blocked me the first day because I panicked and sent her a lot of messages, I messaged her on WhatsApp telling her that what she is doing isnt right.. She told me she was trying to get feelings for me and I thought maybe things might work out and she added me back everywhere.. This was on the first day. But then she blocked me again sometime in between and then I talked to some mutual friends about what happened and every single one of them agreed that she had cheated on me and done something very bad by seperating from me. The next day she seemed furious and sent me messages saying Im lying to people about her cheating on me. I took some time and gave her a respone in a calm and straightforward way..I told her every fact I knew and she didnt talk back and told me she knows she hurt me.. I thought maybe I made her realize it but I didnt..She told me she talked about it to him about us, but she forgout one detail. HE WANTS HER TOO and theres something called a biased opinion, I know when she messaged me about me lying about her cheating those words were definetly those very biased opinion from him and when I talked to that person she liked...
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He told me she never loved me and loved me out of pity. I knew he was fucking getting in my mind and lying because that wasnt true. He didnt know anything about how we were. She told it to me herself that it wasnt true about what he said, she just lost that feeling at a point..I even made her a letter a week ago for our 2nd month anniversary and she loved it so much.. This was when I was away and knew I had to do something. She kept telling me that she removed her mask.. I reasoned with her and she always talked to me in a bad way as if I was the wrong doer here.
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One day I told her to say me about what she really felt and what problems she had.. she told me that she wasnt able to joke and she hinted to the fact that she called herself someones ekitten as a joke and she told me I didnt trust her. I apologized even though I told her it just didnt seem well.. I told her that she wont feel it that way again, She told me she wanted to well "sleep" or jokingly flirt with her friends which she couldnt do... I calmly explained her how it was wrong, she told me she knew she was a bad person and didnt want to change..she tried to. I told her she can because I see it in her.. she really was a caring person.. Her "mask" cant change that. When she opened up about what she felt I thought maybe things would work out but it didnt.. I even had give her a break for sometime in hopes of he maybe understanding but she always insisted on this.. I just cant watch her suffer later..I can confirm that I really love her a lot and would never do anything to hurt her..let alone watching her suffer.. I even mentioned that she had broken her own rules and maybe try to make things right now..
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She kept asking me how I found her friends contact and everything. I answered her but she didnt answer me properly...I thought she might just leave me when she got her answers..I even asked her that and she replied with an "i dont know"..I knew this wasnt the "real" her and she clearly was being influenced by that guy. I was losing a lot of hope and when she told me that she just didnt want to do it anymore. As an act of me loving her and giving her whatever she wanted.. I let her do what she wanted.
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I told her I wouldnt come in her way and I would still care for her like my own...I knew she didnt want to be friends with me anymore. I told her that despite me loving her she was also my best friend.. And if she ever needed me or changed her mind she could reach out to me. I knew this was not going to end well for me at all so I just gave her a goodbye and told her that she could do what she wanted to and that was block me...She just said "as you wish" and did it like we were nothing..She didnt say any goodbye and that was 10 days ago, Im alone now without any close friend because noone was like her. I worry everyday if she is alright and despite my life on the other side going terrible I just miss her a lot...I just cant believe she hates me so much now, I only did it because I didnt want to watch her suffer later. I trusted her a lot and she just broke my heart this way.. Before she blocked me I asked her to promise she wouldnt do anything bad like she told me before and she didnt promise it..I really hope she is doing alright now.
​
I really miss her a lot and the crazy part is despite what she did to me..I still love her because I know for a fact that this isnt her even though she says she removed her mask.. I knew her very well better than anyone. She was very beautiful and I just cant believe we seperated, she was my first love and deep inside I always hope she realizes what shes doing is wrong..Many people have called me insane this past week and Im starting to feel like I am. Im in really despair right now because of this one thing because she really motivated me a lot..
​
I have many ways to talk to her. But I just prefer not to..Its her birthday in a month and I really wish I could do something for her. Im in a terrible condition now and dont know what to do.. I just cant believe that this was how it ends or it really had to happen. It was just a problem in which if she talked to me it could be fixed. I hate that guy because he didnt even tell her to talk to me and called it "influencing" he literally took her away from me and doesnt think that is influencing. Ofcourse because he likes her too.. I cant believe that she actually believed him.. She just changed suddenly.. I told her about what was happening to me and also the fact that I wasnt able to sleep when I thought I was losing her and she told me that isnt her fault.. She was never like this
​
Its been 10 days and I really miss her a lot and everyday I just hope maybe she realizes it and reaches out to me. I told her Im ready to forgive her as long as she knows what she did was wrong and wants to become a better person and im more than ready to help her in it.. Im feeling very lonely since losing her, ive never cared for a person this much. I dont know what to feel of her... after what she did to me but I truly still care for her like my own. I just dont know what to do.
​
I get bad thoughts when I feel like everythings going downhill in my life. She really motivated me a lot. I trusted her more than anyone. She was just precious to me.. I think of her a lot everyday and I just cry every night because of this.. have trouble falling asleep and well as if this wasnt a big problem I got other very big things like my career change and well a lot of pressure on me. I dont know what to do. I feel like she took how I was to her for granted or i got replaced..Even though she told me she would stay single but she also likes someone so this just dont fit into it..I knew her for a year and this is very hard for me. I just cant believe that this happened..Im worried about her.
​
Thank you for reading this.. I dont know if I did anything wrong here.. is there anyway I can help her or is there any hopes of us ever coming back? or what I gotta do.. I tried my best because I care for her a lot.. I told her she could always reach out to me. I always wish we could get back because we were doing so well together..If she did have feelings towards me then it would certainly be worth starting over this time with everything improved and us understanding each other a lot better..I told her that too..I know that this isnt how she is. But im just so lost now.. I dont know what to do. I just want her to realize it, I dont want anything bad to happen to her..I really love her. Any advice is appreciated

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I think my major MD started when I was in 4th standard. I had a big room which had nothing but toys. I used to pretend that the walls are boundaries and used to pretend that I save my team's ass after they get into difficult positions by hitting boundaries, fielding or bowling. Used to do background commentary on my performance with it as well. The problem is, that I am now 23 and I still dream like this. Music generally makes the MD more intense and realistic. I just decide that I will share some of my MD scenarios with you all and possible reasons why I am so attached to them.
Context: I am 23, I just finished my BTech. I have never had a girlfriend, it is due to the fact that I have Phimosis (read about it if you don't know what it is, I am thinking about getting a surgery but still don't have the courage to tell my parents about it). This medical condition made my MD worse. I prepared for JEE just like most people.

1. I daydream about being an athlete:

I have never been good at any sport, but I have seen how people appreciate good sportmen. I crave for that kind of appreciation. This led me to daydream about being a Basketball Player (most frequent), Cricket Player (second most frequent) and sometimes a Football Player. I used to pretend that I save my team (school/college) from trouble and that I can dunk, shoot from half court line with 100% accuracy. Save my team by scoring a 100 and stuff like that. Everytime I do this, chicks from my (school/college) start drooling over me and dudes start respecting me. These fake scenarios gave me a lot of dopamine, so much so that I used to actually jump pretending to Dunk a basketball. Being an athlete also means that I have six pack abs and shit.

1. I daydream about being a great musician:

I don't know how to play a single instrument, I don't know how to sing. But just like athletes, musicians are admired by a lot of people so I imagine a scenario where, guys (and girls) from my coaching suddenly walk into a karaoke baclub and they find me singing and playing guitar etc and the chicks start drooling over me and the guys start bowing down to me and the usual stuff. I imagine this exact scenario is a lot of different settings, sometimes in classroom, sometimes on a school stage, sometimes in a bar, etc. For obvious reasons I am hooked to these type of daydreams.

1. I daydream about being a successful novelist:

This daydream is probably my way of coping with the fact that I was never the "intellectual" in the group and always felt the need for that kind of admiration. Usually it went like this, I am at some huge important ceremony where I am about to get some prize, medal etc for my novel, people whom I know are at the ceremony totally unaware that I am a huge writer. Suddenly my name is called from the stage and everybody is clapping and my friends are shocked etc. On stage, I give the most "intellectual" speech ever given by a human. After the that the same story, chicks wanting me, guys bowing down etc etc.

1. I daydream about being a super diplomat and a mysterious entity controlling the world.

This probably comes from watching a lot of Anime (where the main villian is secretly controlling everything, etc) and similar TV shows. Usually these villians are high IQ and are respected/feared by all. I don't think I have ADHD but this might be an indication that I can develop attention seeking behaviour as it appeals to me so much.

1. I daydream about being good at everything:

This one is probably just an extension of the above four. I will explain with an example: Say there is a chess tournament at your school/college, this real event will trigger me to daydream about being a great chess player about whom noone in the college knew. This daydreams reoccurs at any new event, or function that happens around me.
Apart from these, the other daydreams are mostly reactionary. Stuff like daydreaming about fighting Chinese Soldiers after the Galwan incident etc, daydreaming about getting 300+ in JEE Mains etc.
Key points that I have noticed:

1. None of the day dreams ever contain members of my family.
2. I want respect and appreciation from women (and sex ofcourse) in all daydreams.
3. I want guys to be jealous of my success to the point that I am all they can think about in all daydreams.
4. I want to get a good physique to achieve (2 and 3) and not for personal well being.
5. I do it so often that sometimes I confused about some of the stuff I imagined and reality. For eg: I would imagine that the popular girl in school/college is talking to me and after a few months I am genuinely confused whether I had actual conversation with that woman or not.

I need all the help I can get. I am trying to figure out how I can stop these daydreams. So far I have come up with nothing except that Music makes MD worse and I should get a surgery for Phimosis as soon as possible.
I am afraid I may have overshared a little but if I am going to fix our problem, I must openly admit to the problem so I guess it's fine.
Thank You in advance for any suggestions that you may have.

Hi all,
I’m 25 and since the whole Covid shutdown thing I stopped being active like I was prior. I’ve played in total roughly 6 years of hockey, a majority of those being on my High School team.
Covid and college took me away from the sport for a bit and as a result I’ve put on around 25-30 lbs since then. For reference I’m about 6’0” 220lbs. My target weight is around 190-195. I’ve just recently come back to the sport. I’m currently playing in 2 men’s leagues and try to get a skills training/ stick and puck in one other day during the week. At first my endurance was wrecked, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and a few times I lost my lunch. After about 4 weeks now I’m really breaking the rust off and getting my wheels back. I can skate full out as long as I’d like now without feeling like it’s detrimental to me physical health.
I remember in HS hockey made me drop weight so fast, no other sport had done that for me and I came from playing football. I’d like to think that I skate at the same level of intensity as I did then, only difference is I don’t have a coach bag skating me and making me do endurance drills, but I try to fit those in for my own good.
Has anyone here been successful with using hockey as a weight loss method, I know my metabolism is not on my side quite like it used to be.
Please don’t hesitate to share your experiences and insights!

So I wanted to post this here as only you guys would understand why I kinda feel weird about this as our parents wanted us to stay an age where they can control us forever and tbh part of my brain is telling me that I should not be happy about this but I am so onto my little excitement rant.
In thirteen hours I'm going to pick up my little brother from his first day at freshman academy (he is a high schooler now) and I can't wait for him to tell me all about it, if he enjoyed it, if he didn't, what he did, any friends he made, teachers he likes. I'm so excited for him to be moving onto high school, I'm looking forward to school supply shopping either with him or for him, I've tried to get him to come along in the past but he finds it boring so I try to get him things he likes, but also are good quality.
I'm excited for him to join the marching band as he is really good at tuba and I hope I'm reading this right and not projecting but I think he generally enjoys band. The day before the concert he was messaging me trying to get me to guess what songs they were going to play and after the concert he asked me if I liked it and told me his favorite piece to play and why but then he stopped when our mom came up and interrupted him by saying "this thing is stupid let's go home." She's been calling so many things that he may be interested in doing stupid or boring or she lies about them to him.
Like I tried to get him to do middle school band night so he can just get the experience see if he's interested in band as at the time I couldn't tell I told him I would be there all throughout the night (high school football game, parents/adults had to buy their own tickets if they wanted to stay with their child of course my mom saw it as a waste of money when it was my time for middle school band night. But I told him no matter what I would be there the whole night and we could find something to eat before or after. And he was so on board, but then my mom started her shit saying "oh she's lying, the first chance she gets she's going to run, she won't be there to watch you play, she doesn't wanna spend any time with you, she will leave you in a crowd of strangers and make you find your own way home" so he got scared which was reasonable and didn't wanna go anymore I tried to convince him otherwise but she was stuck in his head so I didn't force him.
For freshman academy she called it stupid and boring and she lied about how it's just going to be him doing senior level class work which was a lie. It's all just games and walking around campus so you get used to how it's laid out and don't get scared your first day. He was iffy on it so I bribed him, I don't know if you should bribe a kid or not to do something but I really wanted him to experience something with her flying around him. I also bribed him to get good grades as our mom would always call him stupid and lazy and pathetic which makes him not wanna do his homework or pay attention in school and when he came to me bragging about how he got over 100% in one class as he did so much extra credit to not only catch up but go over and he turned in all his late assignments as well.
He was so happy and giddy and I felt so proud of him showing off the grade to me "look look what I did look" are etched into my brain and it makes me so proud of him. He is so smart, but I don't know if it's adhd making him struggle, our mom or a mix. I also bribed him to do marching band as he was iffy on it, but I told him I'll give you x dollars if you do it he was in. I have a feeling he is going to hate the first few weeks but I'm going to try to have him go until his first game or competition whatever comes first before he makes the final decision to leave or not and I want to do my best to see him every game or after and support him the best I can.
My little brother is growing up and I am so proud of him, I can't wait to see the kind of person he turns out to be.

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WIBTA if I wanted to go to public high school?
Here's the deal. I'm(M14) homeschooled, have been my whole life. Here's the kicker - I'm gay. I have been for a while, but realized it more so recently. My parents, however, are majorly and openly homophobic. I know for a fact that if I came out to them, worst case scenario, I'm kicked out. Best case? No privleges(dunno how to spell that T-T), no friends, and definitely therapy.
I have these friends on my football team(let's call them Ben and Jerry) who have been extremely supportive(Ben is gay too). I've known them for since third grade, and I consider them my best friends. They're the people I feel safe around. I love them more than myself, and feel happiest around them. And they are going to public high school. If I didn't go to public school, I would still see them at club football. But even so, I want to be around them more.
You're probably thinking, "why wouldn't you go to public high school?" Well, I've been relatively against going to high school for a while, because of, well, people. I am also a pretty intelligent student(I am in 8th grade, incoming freshman, and am doing Algebra 2). If I went to public high school, I would probably have to do a lot of busy work, and deal with teachers and a completely different learning enviroment.
And here's the MAIN reason why I CANNOT go. My family is middle class. We are by no means poor, and are very fortunate. We also have three hundred dollars in the college savings accounts. For three kids. Therefore, I have to take running start junior and senior year to ease the price. However, if I took running start, I can't go to high school junior and senior year. This wouldn't be a big deal, but the high school I want to go to is not my district high school. If I took running start, I would be homeschooled again, and I would "transfer" back to homeschool, and end up back to my district high school for football.
HOWEVER. I cannot play sports after transfer from high school to high school. This would mean missing out on junior and senior year football. My mom has paid a lot of money over the years for my training. And I mean A LOT. She hopes that I can play college and get a scholarship, or at least play four years of high school for my college paperwork.
What I don't want to do is ruin my shot for college and a good future for some good middle school friends. UGH FML. But, I still want to go. SO. Reddit, would I be the asshole if I went to public school?
TL; DR (EVEN IF U DID READ, THIS MIGHT BE HELPFUL LMAO) If I went to public school with my friends, who unlike my homophobic parents support me, I would be throwing away my junior and senior year of football. My parents and I have spent lots of time and money towards football. I do not want to ruin my future career, college, and other opportunities for some good friends. But I still want to go. What should I do?

Hello, I received my MCAT score back recently and would like some input on my school list and application for this cycle. For reference, I graduated in 2022 and am heading into my 2nd gap year now. I am absolutely open to either MD or DO. I do prefer to stay on the coasts, but with how my application is looking, I will be happy going anywhere in the US.
Profile:
GPA: 3.69 cGPA, 3.65 sGPA (upward trend)
MCAT: 512 (128/128/128/128)
State of Residence: CA (no ties to any other state)
ORM; Asian male
SES; Low, qualified for FAP
Ghost/Preview: Not taken. Just recently found out about this test; planning on taking this July 2023, but j
Extracurriculars:
Clinical paid:

• Medical assistant: 2200 hrs; at primary care clinic
• ED Scribe: 1000 hrs

Research:

• Undergrad research assistant: 300 hrs; wet lab, no pubs, posters, or presentations.
• Clinical research coordinator: 100 hrs; currently in pre-screen/screening phase

Volunteering:
Clinical:

• (edit) MA for primary care clinic serving older underserved patients: 400 hours
• Hospital volunteer: 400 hours
• ED volunteer: 80 hours

Non-clinical:

• 0 in undergrad
• 600 hours - High School; outreach and registration drives for stem cell donors for those in underrepresented demographics
• 100 hours - High School; tobacco/drug use prevention outreach

Shadowing:

• 40 hours endocrine in person
• Does any ED scribe experience count as shadowing since I am following the physician at all times and observing?

LORs:

• 1 MD, 1 DO with whom I worked with
• 1 science prof
• Difficulty getting non-science and second science profs :(

I will be applying to MDs where I am at least around median GPA/MCAT. Currently my list is still a very first draft based on those stats. I will also be applying to the big 5 DO schools and a few additional DOs. I know that my non-clinical volunteering is pretty much non-existent. Does highschool volunteering count at all? It was mentioned in one of my LORs.
Are there any schools you would include? If there are any schools that you think I am not competitive for and that I should exclude, please let me know! I knowRush and Loyola typically value non-clinical volunteering, but I feel my stats and other ECs are okay. Any advice is appreciated!
MD:
Albany
Central Michigan
Eastern Virginia
George Washington
Howard
University of Buffalo (Jacobs)
Temple University (Katz)
Loyola (weak non-clinical volunteering, exclude?)
MCW Wisconsin
Meharry
Michigan State (no Michigan ties, exclude?)
Morehouse
Northeast Ohio
Oregon Health and Science University
Pennsylvania State
UC Riverside (CA resident; no ties to Inland Empire)
UC Davis (required PREview, which I have not yet taken)
Tulane
SUNY-Upstate
Rush (weak non-clinical volunteering, exclude?)
University of Vermont (Robert Larner MD)
University of Illinois
(Edit) VCU
(Edit) Oakland Beaumont
(Edit) Drexel
(Edit) Quinnipac
DO:
Kansas City University COM
Midwestern University Chicago COM
Des Moines University
Philadelphia COM
ATSU Kirksville COM
Western U - CA
Western U - OR
Touro - CA
Touro - NY
NYIT COM
(Edit) CUSM

The medic program I’m in is roughly 11 months long, we only meet once a week, twice a week once a month.
We’ve gotten through cardio, about to end the trauma portion.
I’m honestly a bit concerned as to how easy it’s been. I’m seeing classmates fail out along with the remainder continue struggle. Yet here I am wondering what I’m not doing because it’s felt “too easy”.
I’m not trying to sound like I’m better than anyone or come off as a dick. I’m honestly worried that I’m doing something that’s taking me the east shortcut route. I feel like everything is just natural/basic knowledge besides having to learn the meds and dosages.
I’ve gotten high scores on all our exams and quizzes throughout the course. But I feel like when someone asks me a random question out of the blue regarding a protocol, treatment or something simple as identifying a rhythm, I completely blank. It doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Did anyone else feel like this throughout medic school?

I am an Asian-American who is in the summer before senior year. Family is middle class, I go to a small private all-girls school. I want to major in engineering or mathematics, not sure what I’ll write my essay on. My dad went to Harvard and my mom went to Duke. GPA 4.617 weighted, 4.0 unweighted, SAT 1550, ACT 34, 5s on AP Calc AB and APUSH, awaiting scores on AP Calc BC and AP Psychology, currently taking three IB classes as well. I don’t have incredible extracurriculars which is where I believe I fall short- due to mental illness earlier on in high school. Tennis for two years not including this upcoming year, volunteer service every weekend at my church, participant in a local youth orchestra for violin, and then an internship program upcoming this summer - but that’s kind of it. Not sure what kind of schools are realistic, because I think test scores and grades are strong but extracurriculars are severely lacking.

Demographics

• Gender: Female
• Race/Ethnicity: South asian
• Residence: Southwest
• Income Bracket: Upper middle class (no aid)
• Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): None
• Type of school: Competitive charter

Intended Major(s): Biology (Engineering & humanities for MIT, Bioengineering for NEU)
Academics

• GPA (UW/W): 3.9/4.8
• Rank (or percentile): Unranked
• # of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: 14 AP classes

Standardized Testing
List the highest scores earned and all scores that were reported.

• ACT: 35 (36E, 33M, 36R, 36S)
• APs: 5 (5s), 8 (4s), 1 (3)

Extracurriculars/Activities
List all extracurricular involvements, including leadership roles, time commitments, major achievements, etc.
A little vague since I don’t want to be doxxed!

• Captain of speech and debate team
• Biology research intern at local state university
• Environment club co-president
• [redacted service org] club vice president
• Piano
• Summer Science Program
• Leadership committee at religious service organization
• Mandarin tutor
• [redacted advocacy org] communications lead

Awards/Honors
List all awards and honors submitted on your application.

• Top 60 at National Speech and Debate Tournament
• NSDA point record holder for my S&D event in my state
• National Merit
• AP Environmental Science most improved student
• Mandarin student of the year

Letters of Recommendation
I got rec letters from my Mandarin teacher, math teacher, school counselor, and research mentor. I never read any of them so I’m unsure how I’d rate them, but I’d say they were pretty decent since I was a fairly involved student.
Interviews
Yale (0/10): Got into an argument about politics and young people being involved in advocacy :((
Princeton (10/10): Coming off of my Yale interview I was super nervous for this one, but it actually went really well! He had a couple of out-of-the-box questions but based on his responses to my answers I think I was able to handle them well. We exchanged a couple of emails after the interview and he wished me luck!
MIT (10000000000/10): I loved this interview so much! We had so many common interests and our interview lasted for over an hour. As someone who wasn’t the biggest MIT before, this interview made me want to attend so bad.
Cornell (7/10): Not sure if this counts since Cornell’s interview’s aren't evaluative - but this was a pretty basic interview! Nothing too special, but nothing went wrong either.
Duke (6/10): My interviewer seemed very busy and was lowkey preoccupied with work. He was super sweet, but I wasn’t really able to develop a strong connection with him.
Harvard (8/10): We met in person so I was slightly nervous, but we had common interests and I thought that the conversation we had was pretty good!
Essays
Looking back, my common app essay was super basic – and it’s a major part of my application that I wish I could change. I’d say my supplementals were much better in quality.
Decisions (indicate ED/EA/REA/SCEA/RD)

• State school #1: Accepted, honors college
• State school #2: Accepted, honors college -> Attending
• Yale (SCEA): Rejected! (this hurt so bad)
• UW Seattle: Accepted
• UC Davis: Accepted
• UC San Diego: Accepted
• Northeastern: Waitlisted
• MIT: Rejected
• UC Berkeley: Rejected
• Harvard: Rejected
• Cornell: Waitlisted -> Rejected
• Columbia: Rejected
• Princeton: Rejected
• Duke: Rejected
• Stanford: Rejected

Reflection/Additional thoughts:
There is honestly so much I wish I could change about my application cycle. Although I did have the few oos acceptances that I would’ve loved to attend - my family did not feel that it was financially worth it to go to any of them (even though they had originally encouraged me to apply to some of these schools!). Everyone says that it's important to find targets/safeties that you'd be happy at - but please make sure that your family is absolutely on board with these schools as well. Ultimately, I wish I had been more clear with my parents about the finances that came with each school on my college list, and crafted my college list to reflect schools that they would be willing to financially support me for. I also don’t really have a clear spike in my activities, and while I don’t regret any of what I did throughout high school, I can see how my application lacked a compelling storyline. Additionally, I really wish I had worked to develop my common app essay more. Getting rejected from Yale in the early round should have clued me in, but I ultimately decided to stick with my essay - and it's something I really regret.
While I'm not exactly going to college where I had hoped, I'm extremely grateful that my state school is offering me a full ride. Although this process didn't turn out the way I had wanted, I'm honestly just excited that it's over!

To preface this, I don't have a lot of friends at the moment. Or more accurately I have zero friends now if you counted them. At other moments in my life, I suppose it was the same story. I always had difficulty with other kids my age, particularly coming off the wrong way to people. I've always been told how unapproachable I am. And to be honest being told so didn't help me be less unapproachable. It just sorta made me more unapproachable. Like I became worse out of spite or something. Idk. I don't really want to get into why I am because I'm sure you could care less. Thankfully, through all of it, Emily was always there. Me and her, ever since our families introduced us around the time we were in the 1st grade, were attached at the hip. I can't really explain what was different about our interaction. But it just was, we clicked instantly. She was a breath of fresh air from the usual reaction other people illicit in me and the reaction I illicit in others.
Emily, possibly through what I guess was just magic or fate, "got me" like no one else ever did or has since. We did everything together throughout our years. We were on the same soccer and basketball teams together. We always submitted science experiments to our school fair under the same related theme. We ate together. Shopped together. Both of us really liked the same kind of manga and video games growing up as well. We talked about the same things together. Our fears. Our hopes for the future. The things that made us mad. About how other people treated us. About how we felt about the world. About our families and how they frustrated us, how they didn't try to understand us. Best of all we were the spitting image of each other in many ways with subtle differences. We had always been told by everyone, by parents and family, or teachers and such that we could be mistaken for twin sisters. And I loved that, and loved that about her. It felt life affirming every time I thought about it. I often look in the mirror and question why I'm like the way that I am, and why I'm off putting to people. And I wish deeply I could make myself the opposite of who I am for others' sake.
But she made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me ultimately. She looked just like me in many ways, and had made a real effort to reach out to me in a way that I took towards. And it just made me feel like I wasn't "wrong" for existing the way that I did. I just existed, like her, but unlike her existed in a way that wasn't like her. And that was okay, for both of us. I guess what I'm saying is that it made me feel loved in that truly heart warming way that TV shows and anime always tried to trick us into thinking lifelong friendship was going to be like. But I was there for it all the way. I was just glad to find out that a friendship like that was real and not a made up fantasy. We stayed the best of friends through middle and high school. Through college, through our internships, through our semesters abroad, and we were both so happy to find out that we could end up working our first jobs out of college at the same place. We both got hired to work as consultants for the same energy firm in the Southeast. I was happy again that she would be there for me, and that again I wouldn't have to bear the pain of getting used to a new place, a new way of having to do things around others.
And then tonight happened. She texted me out of the blue. She usually does, and I always love that because it's like being suddenly sucked into another adventure by my best friend all the time just when isolation, loneliness and other things I'm feeling start to creep in too deeply. She was at the local pond that was shared by our two apartment complexes. She told me the geese were walking their little goslings around the perimeter of the water and wanted me to come watch with her and feed them. And of course, I snapped at the opportunity to watch cute baby geese with my best friend on a lovely, calm night. And for a time it was good, and the little goslings were silly and adorable following around the big geese all awkwardly like they do. I watched their little reflections dance in the water back dropped by the moon's cascading and rippling image portrayed in it. And I smiled as we laughed about the stupid things at our new job and the difficulties we've both mutually encountered dealing with the other people who work there. And then she put her hand on my knee and broke my concentration on the comfort I was feeling in that moment with her. And I looked at her as she said "Hey hun, you know I'm not really here right?" with this sweet, understanding, and empathetic smile paired with the same reassuring eyes that had befriended me all those years ago.
I murmured something desperate and unintelligible out of my lips. I felt strangely panicked but utterly exhausted sitting there on the public bench with her. I felt like I had been grasping at something my entire life like a rat on a wheel, only it was a feeling which had overtaken me suddenly as though I had always known and felt it even though this was most certainly the first time I had ever reckoned with it. And I stared at her. And stared at her. And stared and stared. And the blank air mixed with the night's backdrop that surrounded us overtook where she had been. Where her face was now slowly stood nothing. Where her hair used to dangle right in front of me so close I could reach out and bat it away like a cat, now stood still oxygen and an empty seat beside me. There was no hand on my knee. And there had never been. She faded out until transparency over took her, and then just to be extra cruel to me reality made sure to remind me that there had never even been any such transparency because there was nothing to make transparent to begin with.
She was gone, and I wanted to cry. And I did, for a very long time until the goslings and their mother came to me wanting bread I did not have to give them since she was the one who had brought it originally. And I felt sorry for them because of that, and I guess more so for me, which is selfish but I did. I was angry. I was dead and dying inside. I was aching. And I was tear stricken. I messaged my mom and realized something for the first time in my life I wish that I had realized far earlier. My contact that is labeled as "Mom" in my phone is not my mom's phone number. Or better yet the mom that I thought was "Mom" never had a phone number because like Emily she never existed. And that same logic can be extended to my father, my brother, sister and other immediate family members due to the same following reason. The phone number listed as "Mom" in my phone is and has always been the number belonging to Emily's mother.
And this is for the simple fact that Emily's mother has always been my mother. Emily's father has always been my father, and so on. You get me. And I always knew this, I just chose to never acknowledge it as fact. When I said me and Emily had been introduced at a very young age to each other, the reality was (as I realize it has always been now), that when I was very young I made up Emily as an imaginary friend that was so real to me that my family had encouraged me to truly think and continue to think of her as real. And through all that encouragement, I was able to repress the subconscious part of me that knew it was fake. I had created a family of "lesser" people who I thought weren't as great as my real parents because I knew that being the off putting, weird, and unliked daughter of such a happy and admired family didn't make sense from a superficial point of view. I suppose looking back on it now, it's a point of view they shared.
And for a while, I guess it worked. I'm not angry at them. I'm only sad now that it stopped working and desperate to know why it did. Why my friend disappeared, why I did it to myself. Why I let the one person who made me happy all my life slip away. And now she's calling me. That woman. The one that birthed me and encouraged me to believe I wasn't hers, but instead the daughter of someone imaginary. Someone who it made more sense for someone of my caliber to be born out of. And I don't pick up. I'm just staring at these two little goslings here curling up next to each other wishing I could imagine myself as one of them. It stops ringing and I'm looking at the text message I just got. "Emily are you there? Did you tell her? Please call me NOW please before you do anything." It says. Thank you. I miss you. And I don't know why you had to go, and I wish you didn't. But the fact is that you're now gone and I can't have you back. But you did something for me in your own way, in a way that I'm sure you felt could help. Like I said, thank you.

For 4 days :( I feel guilty about it. Basically my wife and I had planned a week vacation a while ago on a week in the summer we do not have my son (14) as it is week on week off in the summer with my ex. This is what my ex insisted on and was granted last year in court after she lost custody of him due to behavioral issues and educational issues.
We have not gone anywhere far together on vacation for probably more than two years (without the kids) because we used to have the kids 5 days a week every week in the summer and basically every wknd and half the breaks before custody switched. Also covid. Now I have our older son during the school year.
We live about 45 min apart with no traffic, with traffic it’s 1hr to the 1.5 hours.
My son wanted to play high school football so we signed him up. The problem is practice is 4 days a week for 4 hours during the summer. My ex told me she did not want to deal with taking him to practice because it was too far so she is leaving him with me on her weeks Monday-Thurs.
Our vacation now is preventing me from taking him to practice on her week and I asked my ex if she could do it for those 4 days but she is calling me an asshole for not prioritizing his practices and for putting her in a position where she has to drive an hour to my city each way for 4 days (and probably stay there for the entire 4 hours$ or jeopardize his standing on the team.
I feel so bad that if she refuses to take him, he will miss it. However we can’t cancel it without losing 5000 dollars (nonrefundable tickets).
Are we the assholes if we go on this vacation ?