​
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· Charlie Morgan - Imperium Agency
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· Iman Gadzhi - Copy Paste Agency
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· ▶️ [METHOD + GUIDE] ✅ Make Money ✅ with Kindle Books ⚠️ Even if You Can’t Write ⚠️ [STEP-BY-STEP] ⚡ NO INVESTMENT REQUIRED! ⚡
· Charlie Morgan – Easy Grow
· Nina Clapperton – Jasper AI Course for Bloggers
· Travis Stephenson – Simple Profit System
· Manny Khoshbin – Real Estate Starter Program
· Tanner Henkel & Jerrod Harlan – 7-Figure Email Machine
· [METHOD] Stop Wasting Money on AI Writers Train And Fine-Tune Your Own AI For Free With No Code ⚡⚡⚡Real Method & Practice Examples ⚡⚡
· Creator Hooks – YouTube Title Mastery
· Thomas Frank – Creator’s Companion (Ultimate Brain Edition)
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· Content Mavericks – The Greatest Hits Content System
· Andriy Boychuk – Flowium – Klaviyo Mastery 2.0
· Dagobert Renouf – How To Dominate Twitter (Advanced Growth Bundle)
· Darius Lukas – ⭐ The Marketer’s Bible to ChatGPT ✅ 1000+ ChatGPT Prompts to Copy, Paste & Scale
· Billy Gene – 5 Day A.I. Crash Course for Marketers
· Alex Cattoni – Posse Eye Brand Voice Challenge Program
· Casey Zander – YouTube Fame Game Blueprint
· Harlan Kilstein – Midjourney Mastery
· Shawna Newman – YouTube for Niche Sites
· [Marketing] 1099+ Ultimate ChatGPT Marketing Prompts To Copy & Paste (200+ tasks)
· Karen Foo – Star Traders Forex Intermediate Course
· TheMacLyf – Hive Mind & Masterclass (Onlyfans Course)
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· Russ Horn – Ultra Blue Forex
· Scott Phillips – Crypto Salary System
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· Roger & Barry – Give Academy 1k/Day Platinum Mastermind [COMPLETE with LATEST UPDATE]
· Bretty Curry (Smart Marketer) – Smart Amazon Ecommerce
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· Dicke Bush – Generate 10x More Content Using AI
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· Chase Reiner – AI Profits
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· The Trading Guide – The Gold Box Strategy
· The Complete XAUUSD GOLD Forex Scalping System On Real Trading Account
if ANYONE is interested send me a message on Fiverr
==> https://bazarcom.org/Biahezacourse

So a couple of months or so ago, I made a post looking for info from people that had recently gone through the process of trying to get a medical with an ADHD diagnosis. One of the mods shot the post down and told me to use the search lol. So I figured I'd make this for anyone else looking for recent, more up-to-date info.
Quick Summary with time and costs-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those that don't want to read and just want the meat and potatoes: Time from AME exam to issuance of medical- 2 months or 43 business days, which is better than the 60 business days estimation shown in MedXpress. Total cost: HIMS Neuropsych- $1500, HIMS AME- $642 (probably didn't need to spend. More on that later), 1st Class Medical Exam $199. Total- $2,341.
Here's my story------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I scheduled my discovery flight for February '23 and immediately started looking at the other requirements. That's when I noticed ADHD and ADHD meds were a no no for the FAA. After researching around on here and other places, I saw that you could get a special issuance for ADHD as long as you weren't on the meds and could prove you didn't have ADHD. I haven't taken meds in years, so I decided to try to pursue my special issuance. Not to mention, I've had other doctors doubt my ADHD diagnosis and tell me that the way the meds made me feel were a sign I probably didn't have it. I was diagnosed while struggling in college.
Instead of going to a normal AME, I elected to go to a HIMS AME instead. This is absolutely not necessary for ADHD, and I probably could have saved hundreds of dollars by not doing so. Luckily the AME I went to also studied neuropsych or something like that and was able to do a write of up his assessment of me as well. Whether that was part of helping the FAA decide or not, I will never know. I spent an initial $275 for the initial consultation in which he basically just told me he would defer me, the FAA would send me a letter, and I would have to do what they told me to to get my medical. I already knew all of that from research on the internet and here. The 2nd $385 was from him doing his write-up about me to the FAA as well as having to go back and forth with me and my HIMS Neuropsych and read our emails because of the issues we've had. So that chunk may have been necessary, especially since he included the emails between myself and the neuropsych.
After research, I elected to wait on my exam and to not wait for the FAA to send me a packet telling me what I needed to do for my special issuance. I started calling around to HIMS Neuropsychs to find one at a decent price. What I found was most of them were by the book and would not see me until I had my letter from the FAA telling them exactly what they wanted and a copy of my medical record from the FAA. I finally found a couple that were willing to do so and could get me scheduled fairly quickly. Unfortunately, none were within driving distance. So, I scheduled an appointment with one and bought an airplane ticket to go see her.
I'll try to keep this part brief as I have other posts on it, but long story short(ish), I flew to go see the HIMS Neurospsych and took my exam with her. The next day, I emailed asking about my results to see if I needed to schedule an additional appointment to do the full battery. Her first email said everything looked fine, but she would let me know definitely the next day. The next email to me said 'your scores are generally okay. I think you'll be okay, and I don't think it's necessary for you to take the full evaluation'. Little more in there, but those are the important parts. So I'm like sweet. Send it! I told her I had an appointment with my AME at the end of the month and asked if that would be sufficient time for her to finish her report and get it to my AME so we could send it all in together. She told me the date was fine and she should be finished by then. So I checked back in with her a couple of times, just to make sure everything was still on track, and she told me it was. The day before my exam with my AME, I hadn't received anything from her. I emailed her, and received no response. On the day of my exam, I emailed and then called her to see what was going on. After my exam was over with my AME, I got a text from her asked who I was. I told her who I was and that she was supposed to have my report to me on that day. She replied 'Oh. That was today?' She then emails me stating that it would be in my best interest to return and get a full evaluation. Waaaaaait... What?! So I then basically asked how she went from 'everything was fine' to 'more testing' and pointing her to the emails she previously sent. She then gave me more excuses as to why she changed her mind, and I pointed out the discrepancies between what she was saying and what she previously said. I don't think she was a fan of this.
I asked her to call my AME and explain because I wanted his opinion. He told me he thought we should have her write the report as-is and send it to see what the FAA says before paying her an additional $1000 for more testing. So she writes the report and sends me a copy. I feel the report was written in a kind of retaliatory manner. It seemed negative towards me, and was misleading as she described the above events and made it seem like the time from me taking my exam to her 'recommending' additional testing being like a day instead of a month. There was no mention of her originally telling me that I didn't need any additional testing or her telling me everything was fine when checked in with her. There's more, but again, trying not to make this about that or too long. I have other posts on it. I will give her credit though for putting towards the very bottom of the report basically that she didn't think I had ADHD, my evaluation from the ADHD diagnosis didn't suggest that I had it, and I was unlikely to have any aeromedically significant cognitive problems. Then after that, she went right back to more BS. Lol.
So this is where the additional $385 came from with my AME. He talked to her, plus we had conversations talking about the report and talking about what was in the emails. My AME thought I had very good reasoning to be questioning how things just up and randomly changed, and thought we should send the emails in with my medical to add context to her report. So I sent him the emails I had with her, and he read through them and said he thought we should definitely include them as the report without them probably wasn't the greatest for me. In addition, he decided to do a write up of his own with his evaluation of me as well. The $385 was from the time he spent doing this.
Summary of what I did--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found a HIMS AME for my exam, scheduled a CONSULTATION (not an exam), and explained my intentions. *NOTE* You don't NEED a HIMS AME for your exam. You DO need a HIMS Neuropsych for the evaluation. I found a HIMS Neuropsych that was willing to do the ADHD evaluation without the FAA letter telling me to do so. I went to her with all the documents that the FAA says to provide in the ADHD PDF, with the exception of the FAA medical records as there weren't any because I hadn't had my exam. After my test, I checked with the neuropsych to see if I needed the full battery. Once the neuropsych said she didn't think I did, I started my flight training. I gave the neuropsych time to write the report, then I did my exam with my HIMS AME so the deferred exam and the report could be sent off at the same time. I then just waited patiently for a response. Fortunately that response was a special issuance.
I am NOT recommending you do this. This is just what I did. You do you. AOPA and my AME both recommended I wait and see what the FAA instructed me to do after the deferral before spending money to get testing. Based off of my research from here and some other sites, I find it unlikely that I wouldn't have had to do the neuropsych eval, so I went ahead and got it taken care of.

​
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if ANYONE is interested send me a message on Fiverr
==> https://bazarcom.org/Biahezacourse
NEW COURSES (Included when buying my whole collection!):
· ⭐Iman Gadzhi – Agency Navigator 2023
· ⭐Sam Ovens - Consulting Accelerator 2023
· ⭐Cole Gordon – 30 Day Closer
· ⭐Montell Gordon - Agency Transmulation
· ⭐Charlie Morgan - Easygrow Course
· ⭐Sebastian Esqueda - Ecom Revolution
· ⭐Biaheza Droppshiping Course 2023
· Andrew Tate – Courses Bundle
· Charlie Morgan - Imperium Agency
· Charlie Morgan - Gym Growth Accelerator
· Biaheza - Full Dropshipping Course 2023
· Jordan Welch - The Reveal 2023
· Savannah Sanchez - TikTok Ads Course 2023
· Iman Gadzhi - Copy Paste Agency
· Sam Ovens - UpLevel Consulting
· Miles – The FBA Roadmap + The Profit Vault
· Andrew Giorgi – Amazon Dropshipping Course
· Sebastian Esqueda – Ecom Revolution Training Program
· Luca Netz – Advanced Dropshipping 2023
· Kevin King – Freedom Ticket 3.0
· Jordan Platten – LearnAds – Facebook Ads Pro 2023
· Miles – The FBA Roadmap + The Profit Vault
· Dan Vas – Ecom Freedom Shopify Blueprint 2023
· Alexander J.A Cortes - WiFi Money Machine
· Kody Knows - Native Mastery
· Bastiaan Slot - Six Figure Consulting
· Kaibax - Centurion agency
· Joe Robert - Print On Demand Accelerator
· Ryan Hogue - Ryan's Method Dropshipped POD
· Kevin Zhang - Ecommerce Millionaire Mastery
· Ryan Lee – 48 Hour Continuity
· [METHOD] ⚡️TikTok Algorithm Domination Skyrocket your engagement TODAY Updated 2023✨
· Troy Ericson – Email List Management Certification
· Larry Goins – Filthy Riches Home Study Course
· Ry Schwartz – Automated Intimacy
· Patrick Bet-David – All Access Bundle
· Andrea Unger – Master the Code & Go LIVE
· Jon Benson – 10 Minute Sales Letter
· Alen Sultanic – Automatic Clients & Bonuses
· Taylor Welch – Cashflow for Consultants
· Akeem Reed – Slingshot Rental Blueprint
· The Futur Greg Gunn – Illustration for Designers
· Trading180 – Supply And Demand Zone Trading Course
· Jim McKelvey (Foundr) – How To Build An Unbeatable Business
· Master of AI Copy – Copy School by Copyhackers
· Copyhackers – Copy School 2023
· Matei – Gann Master Forex Course
· YOYAO Hsueh – Topical Maps Unlocked
· Tyler McMurray – Facts Verse Youtube Automation Course
· Ashton Shanks – 7 Day Copywriting Challenge Featuring ChatGPT
· Rene Lacad – Rockstar Marketing Blueprint
· Top Trade Tools – Hedge Fund Trender
· Brandi Mowles – Conversion For Clients
· Glen Allsopp – SEO Blueprint 2 (DETAILED)
· Trading Busters – Prop Trading Formula Course
· Sam Woods – The AI Copywriting Workshop (Complete Edition)
· Brian Anderson – Recovery Profit System
· LOW COMPETITION KEYWORDS IN MINUTES ⚡ 70+ REVIEWS ✅ BONUS PDF WORTH $200+
· Devon Brown – Easiest System Ever
· Duston McGroarty – St. Patrick’s Day 2023 Live Event
· Dan Wardrope – Click & Deploy Sales Android
· Lost Boys Academy – How To Make Life Changing Money With OnlyFans!
· WealthFRX Trading Mastery Course 2.0
· TOM & HARRY – Digital Culture Academy
· 100+ Cold Email Templates
· [METHOD] ✅ Make Real Cash with Auto Blogging ⛔Get $1199 Worth of Resources ❌ CUSTOMIZED SECRET PROCESS⚡DONE FOR YOU SITE ⭐ Unlimited Niche Opportunity & So on
· Tobias Dahlberg – Brand Mastery
· Raul Gonzalez – Day Trading Institution 2.0
· Rasmus & Christian Mikkelsen –Impact Academy 2023
· [METHOD] ☢️ The Quick eBay Money Loophole Guide ☢️
· Apteros Trading – March 2023 Intensive
· Rob Lennon – Zero to 10k Twitter Accelerator
· Rob Lennon – Next-Level Prompt Engineering with AI
· Rasmus & Christian Mikkelsen – NEW Audiobook Income Academy Download
· Grow and Convert – Customers From Content
· Charles Miller – The Writersonal Branding Playbook
· Kaye Putnam – Convert with a Quiz
· Forex Mentor – London Close Trade 2.0
· Chase Reiner – Fortune Bots Update 1
· Andrew Ethan Zeng – Social Marketing Mastery
· [Method] Upload FULL, 100% Unedited Copyrighted Videos on Youtube! Content ID DESTROYER!
· Digital Daily – Top 150 ChatGPT Prompts to Make your Life Easy
· Patek Fynnip – Psychology Course
· Thomas Frank – Creator’s Companion (Ultimate Brain Edition)
· [METHOD] ⚡ See the MAGIC of Bulk Posting ✨ Untapped Method ✅ [ BONUS ChatGpt and Affiliate list Pdf]✅
· ⭕️ YouTube Content Machine – Unlimited FREE traffic for CPA – Fully Automated Method ⭕️
· Jakob Greenfeld – Scraping The Web For Fun and Profit
· Adrian Twarog – OpenAI Template Starter Kit for ChatGPT / GPT3
· The Secret Merchants List of Over 2000+ Dropshippers and Amazon FBA Suppliers Based in The US
· Top Trade Tools – Top Swing Trader Pro
· Charlie Houpert – Charisma University 2023
· ▶️ [METHOD + GUIDE] ✅ Make Money ✅ with Kindle Books ⚠️ Even if You Can’t Write ⚠️ [STEP-BY-STEP] ⚡ NO INVESTMENT REQUIRED! ⚡
· Charlie Morgan – Easy Grow
· Nina Clapperton – Jasper AI Course for Bloggers
· Travis Stephenson – Simple Profit System
· Manny Khoshbin – Real Estate Starter Program
· Tanner Henkel & Jerrod Harlan – 7-Figure Email Machine
· [METHOD] Stop Wasting Money on AI Writers Train And Fine-Tune Your Own AI For Free With No Code ⚡⚡⚡Real Method & Practice Examples ⚡⚡
· Creator Hooks – YouTube Title Mastery
· Thomas Frank – Creator’s Companion (Ultimate Brain Edition)
· Sean Dollwet – Royalty Hero
· Jason Bell – Birthday Marketing Formula
· NXT Level FX – Investors Domain
· [METHOD] ⏩ My ETSY $40K~ Passive Income 2023 + HOT Products (Earning Proof) ⏪ Make Money No Marketing Easy $40K~ Guide FOR NOOBS ✅
· Rob Jones & Gerry Cramer – Profit Singularity Ultra Edition 2022 (AI & ChatGPT)
· Cody Wittick & Taylor Lagace – The Influencer Marketing Blueprint
· ⚡️➡️$390/Week BLUEPRINT+PROOF✅Scalable Method❤️Amazon to eBay Dropship✅
· Kody Ashmore – Simpler Trading – Drama Free Day Trades ELITE
· Youri van Hofwegen – YouTube Search Automation
· Montell Gordon – Agency Transmutation
· Csaba Borzasi – Breakthrough Conversions Academy
· Tim Denning – Twitter Badassery
· Geoff Cudd – AI Writing Course for Bloggers & Digital Marketers
· RED CPA FORMULA – UNTAPPED UNDERGROUND CPA SYSTEM
· BowtiedCocoon – Zero to $100k: Landing Any Tech Sales Role
· Holly Starks – Make LINK BUILDING Great Again!
· Mike Warren – Deeds4Cash
· BITCOIN BRITS – The Crypto Course
· Max Gilles – ⚡️☄️ UHQ Leak ❤️CPA JACKER – Epic CPA Blueprint✅⚡️
· Aidan Booth & Steve Clayton – 123 Profit Update 9
· Christina Galbato – The Influencer Bootcamp
· John Thornhill – Ambassador Program
· [Sales] 999+ Ultimate ChatGPT Prompts To Copy & Paste (250+ tasks)
· Pollinate Trading – Curvy Trading System
· Content Mavericks – The Greatest Hits Content System
· Andriy Boychuk – Flowium – Klaviyo Mastery 2.0
· Dagobert Renouf – How To Dominate Twitter (Advanced Growth Bundle)
· Darius Lukas – ⭐ The Marketer’s Bible to ChatGPT ✅ 1000+ ChatGPT Prompts to Copy, Paste & Scale
· Billy Gene – 5 Day A.I. Crash Course for Marketers
· Alex Cattoni – Posse Eye Brand Voice Challenge Program
· Casey Zander – YouTube Fame Game Blueprint
· Harlan Kilstein – Midjourney Mastery
· Shawna Newman – YouTube for Niche Sites
· [Marketing] 1099+ Ultimate ChatGPT Marketing Prompts To Copy & Paste (200+ tasks)
· Karen Foo – Star Traders Forex Intermediate Course
· TheMacLyf – Hive Mind & Masterclass (Onlyfans Course)
· Brittany Lewis – Top Seller Secret
· Dan Henry – Facebook Ads for Entrepreneur
· Russ Horn – Ultra Blue Forex
· Scott Phillips – Crypto Salary System
· Roland Frasier – AI Powered Expert Apprentice + Update 1
· Roger & Barry – Give Academy 1k/Day Platinum Mastermind [COMPLETE with LATEST UPDATE]
· Bretty Curry (Smart Marketer) – Smart Amazon Ecommerce
· Steven Dux – Traders Edge 2023
· Aidan Booth & Steve Clayton – 123 Profit
· Allie Bjerk – Tiny Offer Lab
· Dicke Bush – Generate 10x More Content Using AI
· Mateusz Rutkowski – New Money Blueprint
· Smart Raja Concepts (SRC) – Forex 101
· Chase Reiner – Short Form Riches Bootcamp 2023 – AI ChatGPT Bot Update 3
· Chase Reiner – AI Profits
· Travis Sago – Cold Outreach & Prospecting AMA Offer (Best Value with All Bonuses)
· Live Traders – Professional Trading Strategies
· Allan Dib – The 1-Page Marketing Plan Course
· Dan Koe – Digital Economics Masters Degree
· The Trading Guide – The Gold Box Strategy
· The Complete XAUUSD GOLD Forex Scalping System On Real Trading Account
if ANYONE is interested send me a message on Fiverr
==> https://bazarcom.org/Biahezacourse

Growing up in the 90s I remember a children's picture book series about an alligator and a crane (I think) that were swapped at birth during a storm. The stories take place in a swamp, with other animal neighbors and friends, and--if I remember correctly--the kids were raised by the swapped parents. I remember the gator getting older and wearing a red tropical shirt, and I think the crane wore a blue one?
The books also each had a cool little map of the swamp village/neighborhood on the inside cover that listed all the locations and names of residents. I remember the bird (crane) egg being bright blue. I also may be getting some other books mixed up on this next detail, but I thought that each book was a different color, with that particular issue's summarization image on the front. I think I remember them being pastel pinks, yellows, etc.
This has just been driving me insane. I can't find it anywhere, but the more I think about it, the more details start to unfog themselves little by little. The major problem is my parents and siblings don't have any idea on what I'm talking about. Though, to be fair, I have an easier time remembering past details than they do, while being horrid with things that recently happened.
Any information or clue would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance!

I am sorry for the long post but I need to get it off my chest and I need advice. TW This post mentions abuse. Also the spelling is bad because I am emotional and have dysgraphia. TLDR at bottom but I have no idea if i can sum this up. pretty much a throw away account
I (16F) never really noticed anything that out of sorts my family was until maybe some time maybe last year mabye sooner my memory is patchy at best. I guess I just ignored it and refused to think that my parents could do anything wrong, and I still sometimes think that way. My sister (19F) and I have never been close despite living in rooms right next to each other, though we pretended. I guess we always have pretended. I don't quite know how to explain my mom but my dad's (50M) behavior is simple. My dad is a doctor so he is never home, and when he is he demands our attention. He wakes up early (5 am) by his own choice to run. He gets home at varying hours but never earilier than 6 or 7. He showers eats dinner then goes to bed. I never bonded with him correctly and so when he does get time off it feels wrong. He acts like we shoudl know all about him but I honestly don't. He never did anything to try to bond with me as we have differing interests so it required effort (this is the tame stuff but I need you to understand our dynamic so you can userstand my predicament). I am the black sheep of the 4 of us, I have ADHD and Dysgraphia so I think diffrently I guess, I don't like school or math or science (my who family (not extended family) is into that stuff, doctor, chemical engineer, bio chem major) and I guess I don't, my parents love hiking and pfisical activity and travel and I don't, I am creative and they are not. My dad alwase forced me to do thigns like backpacking (with our family + another family who's daughters was the embodiment of spoiled only child while my sister got to chose ehr friend), or going on a boat but I (only recently put a name to it) am scared of the ocean, and water (not drinking water but like bodies of water). Anyway thats all tame but now that you understand the dynamic, my dad has a temper. He doesn't get mad easily but when he does it is bad. When I was little (5 or 6ish) I didn't want to shower so (I don't remember what happened before this but I was somehow unclothed) and in the hallway of our house. I was throwing a temper-tantrum as all kids do when they are that age. I don't remember how I ended up on the floor but I remember it hurt, then I remember my dad hitting my butt over and over I just remember his face when I stood up, it was angry and red and terrifying. I just remember thinking that if I cry again I didn't know what he would do. These incidents are rare I can only remember 3 but I really don't know if I am just suppressing it or if its only those 3. The second time was my sister she was in (I think it was some sore of manic/dissociate state and needed serious help) what my parents said was a depressive episode and it might have been but there was more too it, ill get to that later. She didn't want to do the dishes (there was more too it but that was how it started) and after months of her being in this weird state they got fed up with one of their kids actually having a problem and they couldn't manipulate or gaslight her out of it so my dad got mad. My sister ended up in her room (I don't remember most I just remember considering calling my grandmother because whenever something like this happens it is nuclear) and she blocked the door with her bean bag. Its heavy and large and when she put it against the door it wouldn't open. I was still blind to my it being my parent's wrong doing and wanted to help. I don't remember why I left ,y room but my sister was at the top of the stairs saying something about her mental struggles and my parents hate "excuses" and my dad acted out. I dont remember much but I remember him dragging her down the stairs while she cried by her feet. Not in a way where her head would hit but just to get her down. They threw her out and I was scared but thought that fights were normal. She came back and they let her in again that same night after a few hours. I won't get into the third time as it is kind of a mix of the last two and you get the picture (me from after I typed this out here: I am remembering some more incidents that are less physically painful but involve my dad using force). My mom(49f) is different, she never really touched either of us in that way she doesn't have too. If I am 90% sure she is either a sociopath, psychopathy, or narcist, though there is no use trying to find out as she in her mind is just shy of being a god. She is the reason I don't know who I am (in the less literal interpretation of that phrase I know my name and stuff just not who I am as a person), or have any hobbies, or really know how to succeed in life. She sees me as some sort of npc/character in her game. Any action that is not in the programed rout is a glitch or problem and isn't real, just has to be reset to fix (my analogies suck but I'm trying). She didn't raise me she trained me, like a dog in some senses. You can train that puppy like disobedience out of the dog's actions, turn them from a food stealing, slipper chewing problem into a service dog if you wanted. She tried that with us I guess. never really let me develop into who I could (and because I am still young might possibly be one day if i make it out of this house in one peice). She would entertain an idea with no real intention of following through. She would manipulate me itno thigns I never really liked. I tried acting when I was younger not professional but still a good program. She loved that, somehting that would fufil my creativity that she could never understand, and she could show off the fancy and expensive program she put her daugter in. She was happy when I got increasingly bigger roles and loved when I sang. I hated singing but I foced myself to like it becuase it made her happy. Fancy lessons she could brag about, performances she could invite anyone too, the perfect family. I even took the elective in middle school but I guess it was better than drama. I had quit acting by middle-school as I had started talking about how tech week caused me to stay up past midnight (I was in 2nd grade when I joined) or the pressure to be perfect, or the makeup and phisicial standards and competition and toxicity. She didn't like that I had become less like her plan in those years. The enviorment was aweful, my sister and I never got along. I am starting to think that she (intentionally or not) shielded me from the worst of it in our childhood, but I might never know as we have never spoken about any of this out loud except for the few rare exceptions. We hated each other most of the time becuase of our parents. They would aways mention our worst qualities to the other when we couldn't hear, but they would do it where it wasn't obvious. "don't worry [sister's name] OP is just having a hard time in school because [Problem], she just needs space". That wouldn't be a problem except we each thought the other was the favorite child. We each had what the other wanted, she had my parents adoration becuase of her extremely good grades and intelligence, and all I wanted was to feel like I was loved and accepted. While I had... well I don't actully know but my mother said that durin one of ehr episodes she said she hated them for me being the favorite and she admitted she was jelous of me but my best guess is that I was treated better some times because I was the daughter they loved to show off, the unique one who is also smart (not as smart as her). We both wanted to be like the siblings in the books that we both loved, who "hated" but didn't really just had minor arguments not almost-strangers who tried to ruin each other who shared a bathroom for a few years and also had similar DNA. Though I guess sometimes we did pull through and were reallly there for eachother, after years of ebig conditoned and molded there really is no undoing that without therapy and healing and years of work. We are doing a lot better and I sheild her as best as I can from my parent's controling nature by letting her know when they invade her privacy by scanning social media and look for key words or phrases thats she would use to see what she is up too. We are working on it but our bond is broken and only starting to heal, and we can't do that when in our parent's clutches. I am starting to suspect my sister has some form of PTSD and I might have something similar. I still feel sometimes as if I am making it up and its nto as bad as I think it to be, or im making it sound worse or dramatic for attention even though I don't talk about it. I am a great story teller most of the time though this is rather rambling, and after years of being told that I am just blowing things out of perportion I don't even know. It might be a real issue and I might be unsafe or I could just have crappy parents who are normal and I'm the probelm. And it's true I am a problem I am manipulative and vindictive sometimes and I have an excuse for everything, but I remid myself that I learned those triats to survie this. If i never show negitive emotion my mom will have nothing to correct so she cannot punish me as much. thier offical punishments are lax but I guess the real punishment is knowing you slipped and you are goign to have to endure emotional burdern for a while. When I get in that rut of beliving I am the problem and that my parents are normal and good I remember one thing my mom said years ago. She told me (after her an another mom were talking about punishemtns and spankings) that I couldn't tell people my dad had spanked me so hard I almost passed out and it left a mark because they would take them away and I would't want that right? My own mother has used similar lines to that 1 million times. My own mother knows her behavior could get CPS called, but then again it could be the way I told the story and I don't remember it. My sister called the cops once but they didn't do anything. My mom told me that and I don't know why but I have a feeling it is because my sister had the same though I ahve had every time I get close to picking up the phone "what about my future?". They pay for collage, expenses, food, housing, monetarily speaking we have it good. I have all the electronics to keep me sane for a little longer and them I am home free... Well that's what I thought until my mom started entertaining the idea that I stay here and do community collage because I am having "trouble with my GPA" I have a 3.?? across both years of highschool. I adapt and learn fast, but I guess in my mom's eyes she realized that I her puppet would be gone. She lives though me and wants to keep doing that, and since my sister went as close to NC as she could get when she left she wants me in this house for as long as she can justify. I am not going to collage to better my future in the normal sense I am going because it is my only escape. Hell my theripist tells my mom everything so I only ask her about ADHD stuff. My parents control our lives through so many other ways, but this post has gone on long enough and I think you get the picture. I only started to notice this when my sister said (I don't remember when or where but I know it was her, maybe I don't know but I do know that is this is suppression then I should see a real therapist) but she said something along the lines of " you know this sint normal right? our parents are abuisve". I dont remember what I said to that but I have begun to notice it and my own triggers everywhere and when I tell people about it the more tame side they say that I do have trauma and need a real therapist. I have paranoia and manic episodes and I am 16 I guess I could be misentepriteing it and just wanting to be special but I honestly believe I have issues.
TLDR: my dad is physically abusive on occasion, and my mom is emotionally abusive and manipulative, my sister is burned out and has a trauma response to any arguing, and my mom is not hinting that she wants to keep me from going to collage which is my one escape. And I am manipulative and vindictive because I had to be to get out of punishment's or spending time with them so I didn't mess up. And I still sometimes think they are innocents.
so here is what I need in advice: what should I do? how do I make it through till collage? how do I get help before I become like them? How do I get evaluated for whatever trauma response I have (I don't want it online for the world to know) without them finding out? how do I do this? and maybe more questions that I am too emotional to think of. wow this was much longer than I expected and very eye opening. I still feel like I am making it up and that they are good parents, I want them too be. Please tell me this is not all in my head?

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I'm recently engaged to a beautiful woman named Larissa who makes my head swirl. Looks, personality, and a similar taste in food, I mean she had it all. For my birthday last year I got to drive one of those Lamborghinis across the track, and fire a round out of an Abram tank. A tank round! I'm not much of a gun aficionado, but a tank round!
Which was all the worst, when 3 weeks before the wedding I had to tell my drop dead gorgeous fiancée that I needed to leave for a couple of days.
It's not an easy thing for a bride to swallow: juggling food prep, alterations, cancellations, seating arrangements, two sides of the family, busy bodies, food allergies, one aunt that won't stop calling, and another one that keeps asking if her wearing white to our wedding as she's sort of the matriarch of the family was going to be a problem (side note: we told her multiple times that it was not okay). The list goes on, trust me.
So when she asked for an explanation. I had to tell her the truth no matter how terrible it sounded. It wouldn't feel right knowing that the precursor to our marriage was a lie.
"Is it kids? Oh God, do you have a little Jimmy running around somewhere? No, Jim. I can't handle this right now."
"Lars, what? No. It's not a kid."
She was peeling and stamping invitations in our tiny 625 square foot apartment. "Well then what is it? I thought we agreed to no bachelor parties. I thought. We agreed that those were for people who were ready for a wedding but not the marriage. I don't care if it's tradition." She stamped the envelop extra hard.
"No, it's nothing like that. Trust me." I shuddered just thinking about it. "It's not any kind of thing I would be doing if I didn't have to."
She glared at me, "But you have to."
I nodded.
The table shook again. "Okay. So spit it out." She handed me a few envelopes. "If it's not a kid. And it's not a bachelor party. Then what is it?" She scoffed, "It's not like you're married right?" Her smile slowly started leaving her face, "Oh my God." She crumpled an envelop against her forehead. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Larissa..."
"Don't you Larissa me!" She looked me right in the eye, "Tell me I'm not the other woman Jim!"
"Well not technically."
"What does that even mean," she exasperated. "Go on, tell me how it's not technically."
So several years ago I was straight out of college. I could have worked some menial desk job and climbed the corporate ladder. But the idea of never leaving my home town ate me up.
So when an ad for native English speakers to come teach on some remote island presented itself to me. I jumped at the opportunity. Next thing I know I was booking a one way ticket to begin my new life as an expat.
In my head, I thought I was going to land, check into my hotel, enjoy the sights, and come the first Monday walk to the nearest English Cram school and get a job on my good looks alone.
On Monday, the school I went to, the hallways were packed with other Americans, British, Australians, and I think some Canadian was squishing himself into one of the tiny student chairs. All waiting for a job interview.
The next place was like that as well.
So was the next.
By the end of the first week I was beat. Tired and defeated, I thought my luck had run out. So I did what any 20 something would in a brand new city. I hit the bars. I hit them hard.
After the last place kicked me out as they closed I was stumbling around trying to make my way back to the hotel. Grumbling, groggy eyed and trying not to vomit all over the street. When something shiny caught my eye.
It was a silk red purse with gold embroidery tied with a thick yarn. There weren't many people out this late. But everyone who passed by it acted as if it wasn't even there. Like they didn't see it or something.
The bag alone looked like it was worth something. At the time all I was thinking was that, maybe someone would trade a drink for it, as my pockets were empty and all I wanted was for my head to be the same way.
I stumbled as inconspicuously as possible, or as much a drunk guy could finesse and made my way toward the bag. Looking around the entire time, making sure no one was running up claiming that it was theirs, or worse calling me a thief and have me thrown in jail in a different country.
And when no one did, I finally scooped it up and untied it. To my surprise, the bag was filled with money. Bright colorful bills with huge figures even at the current exchange rate. And there was even gold. Some rubies. I took one out and bit into it, almost breaking my tooth.
I couldn't believe how my luck had changed. I flipped through the cash and realized that there was enough to fund my trip for a few extra weeks. AND get me a plane ticket back home. The jewelry even, seemed sizeable.
There I was in one of the lowest, darkest moments. And a pot of gold seemingly dropped out of the sky for me. Thoughts of finding its real owner never even occurred to me.
I was quickly pocketing the thing and planning to high tail it out of there when a frail old man approached me from the shadows. Now I had learned some of the language before hand, but I couldn't understand what he was saying.
He kept smiling though and patting my shoulder, spouting words so quickly that if they weren't already gibberish to me, they would still make no sense in my drunken state.
I fumbled the bag around before juggling it into the crook of my arm, in order to reach my phone to help translate what the hell the old guy was trying to tell me.
The translation caught him mid sentence but all I needed was to hear one word back then and I regurgitated the last couple of hours all over the sidewalk and blacked out.
When I came to, I was back at the hotel with a killer hang over. I was wondering how I made it back when I remembered faintly of the old man helping me. That's when I remembered the pouch and my eyes darted around the room and to my relief, "It wasn't just a dream." The pouch was there, full and plump with a few bills sticking out from the throat.
Next to it was a note, that I would later translate to read about a woman who had turned 18 that year. The numbers 3 and 13 were inscribed as well. Her approximate height, which seemed weird. I mean, why would they go through all this trouble and not just tell me her actual height? Her name, her sign, and her address.
I was completely fucking baffled at all of this information, when I suddenly remembered my phone. I pulled it out and looked up the last thing still on my screen, which was a translation from Google. It read: my future son-in-law. I am so happy you've agreed to marry my daughter. Don't forget to come to the wedding.
No wonder I passed the fuck out.
I shook my head and checked the purse again. Yeah there must have been close to 5 grand in there. Not including the gold, the rubies, or a jade piece I found at the bottom.
Whatever was going on. I had no clue. But I sure as hell wasn't about to get married to some girl I didn't know. Even if I did need the money.
So I used a bit of the cash to get a taxi to the address. When I arrived, the old man saw me from his courtyard. He was smiling and happy, pointing and calling for someone inside the house. A few seconds later a short lively woman appeared. And she was just as happy to see me.
I didn't know what was happening but next thing I do know was they surrounded me in a hug. Happy and joyous, bouncing and wobbling, enough for me to almost hurl again, which I did, except this time I swallowed it.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on. But the note says something about marriage."
The pair looked at each other and exchanged a series of phrases. "Marriage," the old man finally enunciated.
I nodded. Then shook my head. "No, not marriage."
We went back and forth in a similar manner for awhile before the woman ran off to get someone. When she returned with a young man about 14 or 15, wearing glasses and sporting a bowl cut, he explained to me about the pouch.
"It's a tradition in this area for a ghost dowry. I think that is how you say it."
"A ghost dowry?"
"Yeah. In our area. When a daughter dies really young, especially as an infant. THe parents will start saving money for her ghost dowry. Because we believe that when she turns 18, she'll return and ask to be married off."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"No, it's quite common. Mostly everyone knows about it. Which is why they don't pick up the pouch. Not unless they're really in need of money."
"I'm really in need of cash kid, but I'm not about to get married. I'm especially not getting married to some...girl that passed away." I handed him the money but he wouldn't even touch it. Avoiding it like some kind of plague. I even tried handing it back to the old man but he kept pushing the pouch back at me and shaking his head.
The kid shrugged, "You can't give it back. Those are the rules. Once you've picked it up, you've accepted the dowry and MUST get married."
"Why me," I asked rhetorically.
"She chose you."
"What? Okay. Listen kid. What if I don't get married? Are they going to report me to the cops or sue me?"
"No."
"So I can just walk away?"
The kid shrugged again, "You'll be back."
"What?"
"I'm not sure. But from the stories I've heard. The groom to be always comes back. It might take awhile, but he does. Sometimes it's because he's traditional himself and his family tells him he must do the right thing. Other times he comes back because the girl won't leave him alone."
"Won't leave him alone?"
"Yeah. They say that the bride will come find the man at the hour of her birth, haunting him until he returns and agrees to fulfill his end of the bargain."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. Sure. I'm sure that's it kid. Either way. I can't take this money knowing what it's for." I put it on the table. "Please tell him that I wish their family luck in fulfilling their tradition. Also, tell them that I'm sorry for using some of the money for the cab fare. I had no other choice to return what is theirs."
The boy shrugged a third time, "It's yours now. You should take it. What are you going to do? Walk all the way back?"
"That's exactly what I'm going to do."
"It'll be dark by then," he added. "She could come find you."
"I'll be fine. And plus what if she was born in the day time?"
"They only come at the dark time of her birth hour. If she was born in the afternoon. She'll come at midnight," he shouted after me as I left.
I tried not to think about everything that's happened to me this past week as I walked back. But it wasn't a rocks throw by any stretch. Which gave me plenty of time to think. About my maxed out credit cards, the hotel stay winding out by the end of the week, and of course the wedding.
By the time that I got back to the hotel I was a tired, hot mess. I was also hungry and my feet were swollen as they were unused to the tropical heat. But I was sure glad that the showers were already paid up. I took an extra long one before crashing into my bed. Snacking on a candy bar I had brought from back home.
I turned on some tv and tried not to let the impending doom of being kicked out on the streets bother me too much. As a plan began brewing in my head on who I'd call in a few hours when it was morning stateside. A few people still owed me favors back home, which I hoped they would be good for, which I hoped was good enough to get me back home.
Several times I dozed off as the tv buzzed in the background. Each time I woke up staring at the bright red alarm clock blaring its red angry dashes at me. By the third or fourth time my head jerked me awake as it fell to my chest. I looked up to see the time on the clock. It was 3:12. When something clicked in my head and I fished for the note still in my back pocket.
Su-ru Yen
18 this year.
3:13
I stopped reading and glanced back up at the clock. The little kids words reaing in my ear. "She comes at her death hour."
I waited, not realizing that I was holding my breath until I felt my lungs start to burn.
In a blink the clock changed and I glanced around as if waiting for something to happen. But nothing happened. My stomach suddenly growled, echoing in the empty room and I laughed, "Maybe I should have just taken the money."
*dak dak*
Came a knock from the motel door.
*dak dak*
My heart was caught in my chest. The main artery was constricted and wouldn't let go.
*dak*
I was shaking in my bed, too afraid to move or answer the door.
*dak dak* *dak dak* *dak*
It went on like this a full 4 minutes before it stopped. WHen it had finally stopped I tried getting out of bed, but I couldn't. For a second I was afraid to look down, afraid that her hand would be there holding me in place so that we could elope.
But it was just my hand clenching the bed sheets so tightly that I couldn't budge. I had to use my other hand to pry my own fingers off in order to creep slowly to the door and look into the eyehole.
It felt blurry as I blinked my eye, trying to clear it. Tears had welled at the corners without me realizing it. I wiped them away and slowly, reluctantly bent down and stared into the peephole.
No one was there.
But for the next 3 days. My door would knock. It didn't matter if I was on the bed, or in the bathroom. The closet was the worst as the knocking felt like it was right against my face. It didn't even matter if I ran outside, as no one would be around within eyesight. The knocking would always find me.
On the fourth and last day of my stay. The door knocked right on time.
*dak dak* *dak dak* *dak*
I felt the familiar twinge in my chest and my body was numb all over. But this time I was determined to take a look. And finally catch whoever or whatever it was that was playing this cruel joke on me.
*dak dak* *dak dak* *dak*
I tried gettoung out of bed but I couldn't. I was too scared. Several times I glanced from the clock to the door. Afraid to take my eyes off the door for too long, afraid that she would come through it if I did. Afraid that I would miss her and she would haunt me forever. And as the clock started ticking down. I kept whsipering myself. "She's only here for four minutes. She's only here for four minutes." And it was almost 3:17.
Seconds before the clock changed I jumped out of bed. Determined to end this thing once and for all.
*dak dak* *dak dak* *dak*
I didn't have time to look through the door. Even if I did I was afraid if I saw something there. I'd be too chicken to open the door. So I tore the band aid right off and swung the door open wide.
There was no one there.
But then from my corner cornea, something caught my eyes. A trail of something translucent was dragging away. I tried to take a step after it but my first step out of the door stopped me dead. My foot was drenched wet and it felt sticky beneath my sock. The coldness of it traveled up my spine, and to this day I can only describe it as the feeling of something metal scraping across my vertebrate. By the time I looked up, the wisps were gone. ANd the trail it left behind was already drying.
That night I couldn't sleep a wink. I waited until morning came and took to the streets. Desperate to find the old couple's house. Stopping several times to ask for directions and circling around streets and street signs that I couldn't read until I heard a familiar voice.
"I told you you'd be back."
"Kid," I grabbed him.
"Whoa. You look like you've seen a ghost." His eyes grew wide as he looked me over. "So the stories are true!" He didn't waste any more time. "Come on," he called after me. Leading me down the street and to the old couples courtyard. The pouch was still on the table outside where I had left it days ago.
The kid knocked on the door and shouted until the old man answered. He was still in his sleeping clothes when he saw my face, and his demeanor completely changed. He was so happy to see me. Opening the door wider and ushering us inside.
"Tell him I want it to stop," I told the kid. "Tell him I want her to leave me alone."
The kid translated but the old man shook his head before speaking. The kid looked at me and said, "He says then 'Marry her'."
"I can't do that!"
"Then she'll never leave you alone."
"She just going to keep knocking on my door? Forever?"
The kid turned to the old man and told him in their language what I said. The old man gripped his cane and tapped it once lightly on the ground, almost as if he were proud, before he told the boy who then told me, "She's a kind and gentle soul. He knew she would be. If she's only knocking on your door so far."
"So far? So far? Okay. What? Fuck. So then what? What happens if I marry her?"
The kid asks the old man and after a few words were exchanged he turned to me, "Then you will be wed."
"yeah. I get that. But what does that really mean?"
The kid clicks his tongue, "From what I understand. I think it means you'll have to honor her every month."
"Honor her? How? Like make a sacrifice? A blood sacrifice or something?"
The kid laughed, "No. Just Bai Bai. I don't know how to say it. Pray?".
"Pray to her?"
"Acknowledge her. Talk to her wooden nameplate. It's what serves as a gravestone for our dead."
"So just pray to her once a month, and that's it?"
The kid talks to the old man for awhile before turning back to me. "Yeah. That, and you'll be blessed."
"Blessed?"
"Yeah. Not sure about that one."
"Okay. Fine. What else. Like what if I want a girlfriend someday. Or get married. Have kids. Can I not do that? Will she haunt me? Haunt them?"
The kid asks the old man before turning to me, "Not if you ask for her permission. In a ghost dowry, you're allowed to have concubines. As long as she is consulted first and agrees."
I shake my head, "This is fucking crazy."
The kid shrugs. I seem to get the feeling he likes to shrug. "It's either that or she keeps haunting you."
I mulled that over in my head. "Shit." I stomped around the courtyard. "Okay. Fine. Fine! What do I need to do?"
The kid looks up at the sky. "We'll have to prepare."
"What? But it's already late. I want to get it over with as soon as possible. I don't want to wait another night of her coming to my door."
The kid smiles, "Don't worry. You won't. This kind of wedding can only happen at night."
For the next several hours I waited. Watched as neighbors and family. Cousins. Came to help. Food was brought in. Large round tables were set outside the courtyard. A tailor came and measured me up, twice. Decorations were strung and the sun began to fall.
When night came, the people who had gathered were tired but pleased with themselves that they had finished. I was asked to change into my wedding clothes and to wait outside the door of the couple's house until called. The lanterns behind me burning and the smell of food wafted in the air.
I waited until the doors finally opened.
Inside I saw the old man and the old woman start constructing something before a traditional wooden shrine at the back of the room.
They started with the legs. Sewn pieces of white cloth. The torso. The arms. And finally the head. When it was put together, the couple slipped on a white dress over the effigy they had constructed. Then the old woman went off through one of the side doors and returned with a box. From inside the box she withdrew a folded blanket. It looked faded but the edges were crisp and completely clean. The old man reach into the box and removed a sickly green thread that seemed to stick to his fingers, from it hung tiny strands of black hair, which he stuck gently to the back of the effigy's head.
The woman threw the blanket over its face, covering it.
Then the old couple turned to me and beckoned me forward. I looked behind me and none of the other guests moved.
Even the kid stood next to the door, unwilling to step inside as I entered.
I walked slowly up, next to the effigy until we stood side by side.
The old woman turned toward the shrine where a wooden plaque stood at the table. On it were three character words that I couldn't read. And she began to speak, the kid behind us translated in suit.
"Dear daughter. Mother is glad that you're finally being wed off. Though Mother will miss you as a girl. I am so glad of the woman that you have become. I am so proud of you. Please, continue to make me proud." She sighed. "When you were born I was so happy. Even if you only lived for a few short minutes. And I am sorry that the fates have been cruel to you. But I am thankful that they at least showed mercy enough to give you a husband. Take care my sweet girl."
"We love you," the father finished.
The old couple hands me a bowl. Inside are small boba looking balls swimming in a clear soup.
The kid behind me, "It's tradition to take a bite, and then feed your bride."
I looked at the old couple and they nodded at me, motioning for me to eat. I dipped my spoon in and took a mouthful. Chewing slowly. And swallowing.
Then they motioned for me to feed her.
I dipped my spoon again. And awkwardly raised it towards her. Slipping it under her veil to where her lips would be. Pretending to feed her.
Now I watched them put this thing together. Besides the creepy hair and the swabbing cloth for a veil. It was nothing more than cloth and stuff. I knew this.
At least that was what I thought until I heard it chew.
I could hear her jaws sticking as they moved up and down. The room was dark but signs of the veil moving completely terrified me. I couldn't even hear the people breathing behind me or the lanterns burning. All I could hear was her chewing.
When she finished. There was silence. Then everyone cheered.
After that, it was like any normal wedding I had attended. The guests poured in and I shook just about everyone's hand. Hugging complete strangers. My new parents. And even the kid.
Then we ate and drank, for almost a week. Someone was sent to get my things from the hotel and I stayed with my in-laws for the remainder of my stay. Which turned out to be several years. Because the following week I was offered as job as an English instructor at a nearby school.
I was told the principal owed the old couple a favor, but something told me that it wasn't the whole story.
I enjoyed my work at the school but didn't stay for long. As I started traveling to film a documentary about the local cuisine after a few of my YouTube videos mysteriously went viral as an expat who tried weird but delicious treats.
Eventually, my in-laws passed away. First it was mom. And four days later dad followed suit. I lived alone in the house for awhile, before I hit the jackpot at the weekly supermarket draw from one of my receipts. That, along with selling the house, was enough for me to go back to America and start a brand new life. Where I opened several shabu shabu restaurants that were met with great success.
"Eventually meeting you during one of my rounds."
My fiancée who had been listening to my story slack jawed the entire time couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Bull-fucking-shit!" She slapped me playfully across the arm. "You are such a good fucking liar!" She laughed. "I've always heard about guys not wanting to help out about the wedding arrangements. But this one takes the fucking cake. I'm going to post this in the group chat tomorrow. Bra-vo."
I laughed with her. "Yeah. That's it. It's just a great story."
"Now finish this up and let's go upstairs," she commanded. We stamped the last envelopes and went to bed. She was still laughing sporadically as I closed the door to our bedroom. "Knock knock," she joked.
I humored her, "Knock knock."
And we watched tv until she fell asleep.
I made sure she was sound asleep, before I gently crawled out of bed and put on my slippers. Softly opening the door and closing it behind me as I walked through the house. Down to the first floor. Then to the basement. Where I pulled the key I kept around my neck and slipped it into the lock.
Inside the basement was bare, except for two chairs and some boxes that I had taken from the old house, and the table, and the small wooden plaque that had my first wife's name inscribed on it in her native language.
"I'm going to get married soon," I told her. "She's a great person. Funny. Beautiful. And devoted. Kind of like you." I held the wood plaque in my hands. "I hope you approve." I waited as if she would answer. But she didn't. Never in all the years we've been married. "I can't go back home to ask for your permission. But I hope that this is enough." I looked at her name, almost longingly. As I had grown quite attached to our time together. "And I hope that this will be the last time we talk as I move on with my life. Thank you so much," I told her as I put her away."
Months flew by, and I never revisited the basement. Knowing full well that I had missed our visiting days. Though I'd often catch myself talking to her on some tough days. But nothing bad happened, by not seeing her plaque. Nothing bad at all.
Soon the wedding day was upon us. And it was a great party, as great as the best there ever was. Great good. Great company. And tons and tons of alcohol.
Larissa and I were giggling at the end of it, drunk as we stumbled upstairs from the venue to the presidential suite. Laughing all the way, kissing, barely able to keep our hands off each other as we got into our room.
My new bride pushed herself off me as we entered the threshold, and sprawled herself on the bed. Her legs rubbing against each other as her eyes invited me to come closer. I propped a knee on the bed to join her.
*dak dak*
We both shot our eyes to the door and then at the table side where the clock blared at us an angry red of 3:13.
Larissa looked up at me with a horrified look. I could see her bottom lip quivering.
"Hello," I called out. With my back to the door. "Sam? Bobby?" But no one answered. "Room service?"
*dak dak*
*dak*

I am sorry for the long post but I need to get it off my chest and I need advice. TW This post mentions abuse. Also the spelling is bad because I am emotional and have dysgraphia. TLDR at bottom but I have no idea if i can sum this up. Also yes this is my alt account.
I (16F) never really noticed anything that out of sorts my family was until maybe some time maybe last year mabye sooner my memory is patchy at best. I guess I just ignored it and refused to think that my parents could do anything wrong, and I still sometimes think that way. My sister (19F) and I have never been close despite living in rooms right next to each other, though we pretended. I guess we always have pretended. I don't quite know how to explain my mom but my dad's (50M) behavior is simple. My dad is a doctor so he is never home, and when he is he demands our attention. He wakes up early (5 am) by his own choice to run. He gets home at varying hours but never earilier than 6 or 7. He showers eats dinner then goes to bed. I never bonded with him correctly and so when he does get time off it feels wrong. He acts like we shoudl know all about him but I honestly don't. He never did anything to try to bond with me as we have differing interests so it required effort (this is the tame stuff but I need you to understand our dynamic so you can userstand my predicament). I am the black sheep of the 4 of us, I have ADHD and Dysgraphia so I think diffrently I guess, I don't like school or math or science (my who family (not extended family) is into that stuff, doctor, chemical engineer, bio chem major) and I guess I don't, my parents love hiking and pfisical activity and travel and I don't, I am creative and they are not. My dad alwase forced me to do thigns like backpacking (with our family + another family who's daughters was the embodiment of spoiled only child while my sister got to chose ehr friend), or going on a boat but I (only recently put a name to it) am scared of the ocean, and water (not drinking water but like bodies of water). Anyway thats all tame but now that you understand the dynamic, my dad has a temper. He doesn't get mad easily but when he does it is bad. When I was little (5 or 6ish) I didn't want to shower so (I don't remember what happened before this but I was somehow unclothed) and in the hallway of our house. I was throwing a temper-tantrum as all kids do when they are that age. I don't remember how I ended up on the floor but I remember it hurt, then I remember my dad hitting my butt over and over I just remember his face when I stood up, it was angry and red and terrifying. I just remember thinking that if I cry again I didn't know what he would do. These incidents are rare I can only remember 3 but I really don't know if I am just suppressing it or if its only those 3. The second time was my sister she was in (I think it was some sore of manic/dissociate state and needed serious help) what my parents said was a depressive episode and it might have been but there was more too it, ill get to that later. She didn't want to do the dishes (there was more too it but that was how it started) and after months of her being in this weird state they got fed up with one of their kids actually having a problem and they couldn't manipulate or gaslight her out of it so my dad got mad. My sister ended up in her room (I don't remember most I just remember considering calling my grandmother because whenever something like this happens it is nuclear) and she blocked the door with her bean bag. Its heavy and large and when she put it against the door it wouldn't open. I was still blind to my it being my parent's wrong doing and wanted to help. I don't remember why I left ,y room but my sister was at the top of the stairs saying something about her mental struggles and my parents hate "excuses" and my dad acted out. I dont remember much but I remember him dragging her down the stairs while she cried by her feet. Not in a way where her head would hit but just to get her down. They threw her out and I was scared but thought that fights were normal. She came back and they let her in again that same night after a few hours. I won't get into the third time as it is kind of a mix of the last two and you get the picture (me from after I typed this out here: I am remembering some more incidents that are less physically painful but involve my dad using force). My mom(49f) is different, she never really touched either of us in that way she doesn't have too. If I am 90% sure she is either a sociopath, psychopathy, or narcist, though there is no use trying to find out as she in her mind is just shy of being a god. She is the reason I don't know who I am (in the less literal interpretation of that phrase I know my name and stuff just not who I am as a person), or have any hobbies, or really know how to succeed in life. She sees me as some sort of npc/character in her game. Any action that is not in the programed rout is a glitch or problem and isn't real, just has to be reset to fix (my analogies suck but I'm trying). She didn't raise me she trained me, like a dog in some senses. You can train that puppy like disobedience out of the dog's actions, turn them from a food stealing, slipper chewing problem into a service dog if you wanted. She tried that with us I guess. never really let me develop into who I could (and because I am still young might possibly be one day if i make it out of this house in one peice). She would entertain an idea with no real intention of following through. She would manipulate me itno thigns I never really liked. I tried acting when I was younger not professional but still a good program. She loved that, somehting that would fufil my creativity that she could never understand, and she could show off the fancy and expensive program she put her daugter in. She was happy when I got increasingly bigger roles and loved when I sang. I hated singing but I foced myself to like it becuase it made her happy. Fancy lessons she could brag about, performances she could invite anyone too, the perfect family. I even took the elective in middle school but I guess it was better than drama. I had quit acting by middle-school as I had started talking about how tech week caused me to stay up past midnight (I was in 2nd grade when I joined) or the pressure to be perfect, or the makeup and phisicial standards and competition and toxicity. She didn't like that I had become less like her plan in those years. The enviorment was aweful, my sister and I never got along. I am starting to think that she (intentionally or not) shielded me from the worst of it in our childhood, but I might never know as we have never spoken about any of this out loud except for the few rare exceptions. We hated each other most of the time becuase of our parents. They would aways mention our worst qualities to the other when we couldn't hear, but they would do it where it wasn't obvious. "don't worry [sister's name] OP is just having a hard time in school because [Problem], she just needs space". That wouldn't be a problem except we each thought the other was the favorite child. We each had what the other wanted, she had my parents adoration becuase of her extremely good grades and intelligence, and all I wanted was to feel like I was loved and accepted. While I had... well I don't actully know but my mother said that durin one of ehr episodes she said she hated them for me being the favorite and she admitted she was jelous of me but my best guess is that I was treated better some times because I was the daughter they loved to show off, the unique one who is also smart (not as smart as her). We both wanted to be like the siblings in the books that we both loved, who "hated" but didn't really just had minor arguments not almost-strangers who tried to ruin each other who shared a bathroom for a few years and also had similar DNA. Though I guess sometimes we did pull through and were reallly there for eachother, after years of ebig conditoned and molded there really is no undoing that without therapy and healing and years of work. We are doing a lot better and I sheild her as best as I can from my parent's controling nature by letting her know when they invade her privacy by scanning social media and look for key words or phrases thats she would use to see what she is up too. We are working on it but our bond is broken and only starting to heal, and we can't do that when in our parent's clutches. I am starting to suspect my sister has some form of PTSD and I might have something similar. I still feel sometimes as if I am making it up and its nto as bad as I think it to be, or im making it sound worse or dramatic for attention even though I don't talk about it. I am a great story teller most of the time though this is rather rambling, and after years of being told that I am just blowing things out of perportion I don't even know. It might be a real issue and I might be unsafe or I could just have crappy parents who are normal and I'm the probelm. And it's true I am a problem I am manipulative and vindictive sometimes and I have an excuse for everything, but I remid myself that I learned those triats to survie this. If i never show negitive emotion my mom will have nothing to correct so she cannot punish me as much. thier offical punishments are lax but I guess the real punishment is knowing you slipped and you are goign to have to endure emotional burdern for a while. When I get in that rut of beliving I am the problem and that my parents are normal and good I remember one thing my mom said years ago. She told me (after her an another mom were talking about punishemtns and spankings) that I couldn't tell people my dad had spanked me so hard I almost passed out and it left a mark because they would take them away and I would't want that right? My own mother has used similar lines to that 1 million times. My own mother knows her behavior could get CPS called, but then again it could be the way I told the story and I don't remember it. My sister called the cops once but they didn't do anything. My mom told me that and I don't know why but I have a feeling it is because my sister had the same though I ahve had every time I get close to picking up the phone "what about my future?". They pay for collage, expenses, food, housing, monetarily speaking we have it good. I have all the electronics to keep me sane for a little longer and them I am home free... Well that's what I thought until my mom started entertaining the idea that I stay here and do community collage because I am having "trouble with my GPA" I have a 3.?? across both years of highschool. I adapt and learn fast, but I guess in my mom's eyes she realized that I her puppet would be gone. She lives though me and wants to keep doing that, and since my sister went as close to NC as she could get when she left she wants me in this house for as long as she can justify. I am not going to collage to better my future in the normal sense I am going because it is my only escape. Hell my theripist tells my mom everything so I only ask her about ADHD stuff. My parents control our lives through so many other ways, but this post has gone on long enough and I think you get the picture. I only started to notice this when my sister said (I don't remember when or where but I know it was her, maybe I don't know but I do know that is this is suppression then I should see a real therapist) but she said something along the lines of " you know this sint normal right? our parents are abuisve". I dont remember what I said to that but I have begun to notice it and my own triggers everywhere and when I tell people about it the more tame side they say that I do have trauma and need a real therapist. I have paranoia and manic episodes and I am 16 I guess I could be misentepriteing it and just wanting to be special but I honestly believe I have issues.TLDR: my dad is physically abusive on occasion, and my mom is emotionally abusive and manipulative, my sister is burned out and has a trauma response to any arguing, and my mom is not hinting that she wants to keep me from going to collage which is my one escape. And I am manipulative and vindictive because I had to be to get out of punishment's or spending time with them so I didn't mess up. And I still sometimes think they are innocents.so here is what I need in advice:what should I do? how do I make it through till collage? how do I get help before I become like them? How do I get evaluated for whatever trauma response I have (I don't want it online for the world to know) without them finding out? how do I do this? and maybe more questions that I am too emotional to think of. wow this was much longer than I expected and very eye opening. I still feel like I am making it up and that they are good parents, I want them too be. Please tell me this is not all in my head?

Table of Contents

1. Summary
2. Russo-China rejects Biden
3. ZNPP as potential Chernobyl
4. Biden's Ukraine is desperate enough for scorched-earth tactics
   1. Battle of the Bulge at Bakhmut
   2. Fresh meat
   3. Teixeira leaks
   4. BRICS vs NATO
5. ZNPP's weak point is diesel fuel
6. Ukrainian saboteurs caught by ZNPP
7. BB / Red Skull / Inb4source / Q
   1. BB sent Q
   2. BB warns Zaporizhia is pivotal
   3. RS gives ZNPP sabotage warning
   4. Ukraine HVT: Nuclear tit for tat
   5. Inb4source / Red Skull 4chan posting history

Note: links redacted. See bottom for link to original.

Summary

Biden allegedly sabotaged Zaporizhia nuclear power plant to melt down, to stop the Russian invasion and justify NATO peacekeepers.
Here was Biden's plan to avoid another Kabul:

• NATO operators sabotaged the ZNPP backup diesel generator fuel storage, causing it to leak.
• NATO targeted diesel fuel shipments. See captured Ukro saboteurs with NLAWs.
• When diesel reaches zero, Ukros can shell the lone power line, breaking it for the 8th time.
• Overheating and radiation release ensues. Territory Russia captured is ruined.
• Under cover of major exercises scheduled this month, NATO establishes "no-fly zone" and sends "peacekeepers".

Hopefully Russia has succeeded in resupplying ZNPP's diesel fuel, but the situation at ZNPP remains critical.
In the latest development, Kiev allegedly tested a nuke in a borehole, and Russia retaliated by striking the Ukro military intelligence headquarters, dispelling the illusion of Patriot missile air defense. Russia's willingness to escalate to decapitation of leadership may be why Zelensky is spending time abroad. NATO is allegedly expanding the war into Moldova to invoke Article 5.

Russo-China rejects Biden

"Don’t underestimate Joe’s ability to fuck things up." – Barack Obama
Clearly we underestimated him. Americans can hardly believe that Biden blew up Nord Stream 2, essentially attacking our vassal/ally Germany. Perhaps they're still reeling from Kabul falling faster than Hanoi.
Normally Russia endeavors to cooperate with the sitting US president. However, Russian state media has begun airing the Hunter Biden laptop images, of Hunter engaged in drugs and pedophilia with preteen girls. This is retaliation for Biden crossing Russia's red line by repeatedly trying to sabotage Zaporizhia Nuclear Power Plant (ZNPP). That's why Russia is willing to assist in the impeachment of a sitting US president, which is obviously an extreme step to take between two countries with enough nukes to blot out the Sun.
Rumor has it that China has also turned on Biden, which would make sense: China's economic backing allows Russia to survive US sanctions. China wants Taiwan, and Russia wants East Ukraine. They would be stupid not to cooperate.

• SHOWTIME FORMOSA; SMART MONEY IS SELLING TAIWAN EDITION pol BB May 17
• China Calls Biden a Fake President and Lloyd Austin a Fake Defense Secretary Michael Baxter May 30
• China declines US request for a meeting between defense chiefs Reuters May 30
• Xi Jinping tells China’s national security chiefs to prepare for ‘worst case’ scenarios CNN June 1

ZNPP as potential Chernobyl

A Redditor explains:

Kawaii-Gopnik Russia really needs that powerplant without any leak, to provide industry of surrounding regions with energy, but very few people understand contexts of the current situation: Soviets built complicated and very well ballanced energy system, including not only NPP, but also cascade of hydro power plants. Donetsk, Dnepr, Zaporozhe and Kharkov regions are just one big power hungry plant. NPP itself is reliant on hydropower and quality of water in Dnepr river. In case of really bad "accident" Russia will forget about development of the newly accuired regions, lack of energy produced by NPP is significant, nearly 30-40%. Accident will affect south of Ukraine with russian majority. It will also be also disaster for ecology of the WHOLE Black Sea. Rose of winds will spread nuclear dust to the West - Poland, Romania, Czechia and further. Nuclear zone will stop russian army from further territorial expansion. This will be border formed by Dnepr and nuclear zones.

The basic facts are documented by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA). Even while shut down, ZNPP needs external power grid or diesel to prevent its reactors from overheating.
Russia controls ZNPP. A nuclear "accident" would give NATO pretext to intervene, so Ukraine keeps trying to cause one.
How bad is this? Well, Chernobyl is in Ukraine. That was a 1k MW reactor. ZNPP has six. It is the 9th largest NPP in the world.
Most experts think the severity would be less than Chernobyl, although anonymous ZNPP workers familiar with the damage disagreed:

• Ukraine nuclear plant: How risky is stand-off over Zaporizhzhia? BBC
• Why do nuclear power plants need electricity to stay safe? Pop Sci
• Map shows how Europe could be affected if Ukraine’s nuclear plant explodes Metro
• Ukraine war: Workers at deteriorating Zaporizhzhia plant fear 'devastation' on a scale 'worse than Chernobyl' Sky News

Hopefully the containment response would be much better than Chernobyl's, but that's hardly something to count on during WW3. Russia's nuclear doctrine includes pre-emptive strikes when the state is threatened or as a response to nuclear attacks; this situation qualifies as both to the Kremlin. Remember that the USSR nearly launched twice during the Cold War.
Imagine if China assisted Texas in seceding from the USA to rejoin Mexico, and then caused a reactor meltdown at Comanche Peak Nuclear Power Plant when the USA retook it. A lot of Southerners would want to lob a few nukes back at China. They might demand it.
It is foolish to assume WW3 will not happen because it hasn't happened yet. One should look instead at the historical record of continual warfare, and the difficulties in preventing WW3 so far:

• List of nuclear close calls Wikipedia
• WW3: Historical close calls Wikipedia

Ukraine doesn't need a huge meltdown like Chernobyl. It merely seeks a pretext to justify direct NATO intervention to "protect" ZNPP. A small leak will suffice.
Even if there is a major radiation leak, it will occur in Russian-annexed separatist territory, and help Ukraine defend her new border. Scorched earth is a valid tactic, whether the fire is conventional or nuclear. Ukraine survived Chernobyl and knows it can survive ZNPP too.

Biden's Ukraine is desperate enough for scorched-earth tactics

Battle of the Bulge at Bakhmut

"We have been working on the counter-offensive with Ukraine for 4-5 months." – Victoria Nuland
Why is Ukraine so desperate?
Ukraine depends on NATO aid to fight Russia. NATO aid depends on Democrat willingness. Democrat willingness depends on US public support. Therefore the illusion must be maintained to the American public that Ukraine is winning. For this reason, Ukraine has committed its reserves to a costly failed counter-offensive. Bakhmut fell regardless.
James A. Donald summarizes the strategic picture:

So, bright new plan. "The Greatest Ukrainian Offensive". The Ukraine would build up a big reserve of fresh troops, then suddenly hurl large chunks of them at particular points on the front. They would, the Americans planned, cut through a point in the front lines, penetrate to Russian rear areas, wreak havoc on those areas, and force Russian troops in danger of being encircled to hastily retreat from territory that had been slowly gained at enormous cost in grinding attritive warfare. I do not know how big the Ukrainian strategic reserve was, but if it was two hundred fifty thousand, they have now committed most of them to grinding attritive warfare, and cupboard is looking as bare of men as it is of artillery and rockets.

The USA expected to break Russia economically; China's economic support prevented that. Despite PMC Wagner's heartfelt complaints, Russia is unlikely to run out of convicts anytime soon. Russia is rotating divisions through Ukraine, seasoning reservists for a looming WW3. Russia's historical appetite for losses is much higher than its current losses. This is essentially a civil war, and the Russia bear considers being carved up an existential threat. By underestimating Russia's resolve, NATO is repeating the error of Napoleon and Hitler.
Despite having plenty of weapons, Ukraine's military manpower is exhausted and demoralized. Raw conscripts are thrown at the front lines with minimal training. Medvedev predicts that the Ukraine will cease to exist; half its people have already fled.

Anonymous Sat 27 May 2023 04:59:49 No.428438077 Report 428437208 Yeah, the killing has been excessive since they pretty much destroyed 95% of Azov fags and assorted true believers in the first 200k dead, now they overshot it by 100%. About 12% of the non-Russian speaking population's prime military aged men in Ukraine are dead or crippled. 12-20% of the same demographic has fled the country. It's over, desu. They are seeing much more of the polish and romanian mercs now, since they literally lack the manpower.

Western mass media wrongly assumes that Russia is losing because it does not take the entirety of Ukraine in a blitz, as the USA did to Iraq. However, Russia does not want West Ukraine; the people there do not like Russians. Russia has captured the territory it wants, and is now using the rest of Ukraine as a kettle or cauldron, in which to conveniently destroy whatever NATO wishes to send. This is a good way for Russia to gradually learn how to fight NATO armies in a low-risk environment.
The Spartans had a rule never to war too often against the same enemy, lest they train up a nemesis. It was foolish of NATO to believe that Russia had forgotten the lessons of attrition warfare that it learned so recently in Afghanistan.

Nehming Names 9h Russia's prudent caution in directly engaging the West is bringing dividends in perhaps unexpected ways. Russia is gaining strategic knowledge of the actual capabilities and weaknesses of our weapon systems and military tactics, with our supply of munitions draining to militarily unsustainable levels, as it engages allied forces in Ukraine. Russia is aware of the continuing progress of the Great Awakening in the West, that is, the knowledge that Western governments, military, and institutions are run by an elite hostile to their heritage populations, and therefore expects to see declining support of Western governments by their citizens. Russia can also see the precipitous decrease in every societal metric in the West: social cohesiveness, general morality, public health, financial stability, military readiness, etc.With these three degradative processes in play, the most strategic thing Russia and China can do is to bide their time, as time itself will act to sap the strength of the West to militarily engage their foes.

Fresh meat

Russian conquest of Kiev would air Biden's dirty laundry to the world, from Burisma kickbacks to pedophilic field trips and worse. This would result in US "regime change". A distant mini-Chernobyl is a small price to pay, for top Democrats to avoid the hangman's noose.
Poland is itching to invade. Victoria Nuland is scheduling NATO air exercises. USAF propaganda asserts that Russia's air force is a joke. The question is, do Americans still believe Biden's false prophets of victory?
If not, they just need a little "encouragement": 9/11, Gulf of Tonkin, Pearl Harbor, Lusitania, Remember the Maine… Keep those rural Whites busy lest they make trouble at home!
Most Americans cannot find Ukraine on a map. (To be fair, it hasn't been on the map very long.) However, the architects of Biden's Ukraine policy, such as Victoria Nuland, Jake Sullivan, Antony Blinken and George Soros, tend to have grandparents of Eastern European origin. I am sure for them it feels important. There's no place like home.
A Redditor explains:

tinglevibestoo I listened to a former CIA agent talk about Ukraine the other day. He said that Ukraine is running out of time. It's not that they don't have the weapons. We've sent them a ton of weapons. It's that they don't have enough troops and they're running low on troops. That's how Russia will win. Ukraine can't sustain the manpower. It totally makes sense to use a nuclear false flag as a reason to bring in the extra manpower. Everyone would deem it justified too because it's a threat to the neighboring nations and it'd be an environmental (climate change) catastrophe.

Teixeira leaks

Some will bring up the US intelligence leaks by Jack Teixeira to support the idea that Russia rather than Ukraine is desperate. Unlike Snowden, Teixeiera was obviously a major security risk for patriotically-motivated leaking, with numerous red flags in his previous and ongoing behavior. Therefore Teixeira was probably a deliberate leak by US intelligence, using a patsy to generate the initial leak and then add whatever extra info they wanted released in the resulting confusion.

• Jack Teixeira Wikipedia
• Discord member details how documents leaked from closed chat group Washington Post

Teixeira's leaks served several purposes for the Biden administration:

• Allowed the mainstream media to walk back their false forecasts of Ukrainian victory.
• Provided a right-wing scapegoat for Ukraine's defeat.
• Justified increased social media monitoring and censorship.

Most importantly, it mitigated the potential political fallout from another catastrophe like Kabul, should Kiev fall.
The 4chan leaker BB/Inb4source asserts Teixeira was a patsy.

BRICS vs NATO

The foundation of the US empire is the petrodollar, which allows the USA to tax the world via digital debt seignorage. This is why the creation of BRICS as an independent financial and trading system rendered war between NATO and BRICS inevitable, as Kim Dotcom predicted. The US republic is a thalassocratic empire as arrogant as democratic Athens, and it is addicted to financial plunder. The Empire cannot afford to lose the USD's reserve currency status.
Reserve currencies and empires both have lifespans, and the USA has reached the end of both. It is at the stage where hubristic foreign misadventures prove fatal, and Ukraine and Taiwan will prove too much for the American eagle to handle. This is no longer WW2; the USA cannot win a two-front war against BRICS.

• Gold Reserve Fiat Currencies Monetary Gold
• World Reserve Currencies last on average 100 years. The US dollar has been the reserve currency for 76 years. Satoshi Chris

That is why Biden's NATO is desperate; the Empire is unravelling as the European Union and other allies such as Turkey and India lose their faith in NATO.
The fact that none of this is common knowledge speaks volumes about who controls public schools and owns mass media corporations.

ZNPP's weak point is diesel fuel

The situation at ZNPP is tenuous and grim, workers report:
Europe’s largest nuclear power station is on the frontline of the Ukraine war. SkyNews Twitter
The fact that the backup diesel reactors have not been maintained is particularly concerning, considering they have already been used 7 times.
UN nuclear chief raises alarm over Ukraine’s Zaporizhzhia plant Al Jazeera
Ukraine keeps trying to force a crisis at ZNPP to justify NATO intervention. In other words, Ukraine keeps shelling ZNPP to cut the one power line that still connects it to the grid.

Atlas This is extremely dangerous, external power is required for reliable cooling of the reactors and pools containing spent nuclear waste. Western media spent months last year pretending Kiev wasn’t shelling ZNPP.

Notice that the Russian side keeps ZNPP connected to the power grid, while the Ukrainian side pretends it cannot until the Russian invasion ends:

• Update 153 – IAEA Director General Statement on Situation in Ukraine 2023 April 13
• Update 159 – IAEA Director General Statement on Situation in Ukraine 2023 May 22
• Russian nuclear terrorism in action: ZNPP switches to emergency generators for the 7th time Ukrainian World Congress
• Kiev blocked all IAEA’s initiatives on ZNPP security — Russian Foreign Ministry
• Grossi says Zaporizhzhia principles 'step in right direction' IAEA

As you can see, Ukraine is not interested in being reasonable. Russia is happy to leave the NPP free of heavy military equipment, but Ukraine demands the removal of all troops and landmines from ZNPP as well. That would leave the plant undefended, which is obviously unacceptable.
(This is how perverse incentives work. A little ally with nothing to lose can start a world war. It's almost like dividing the world into two hostile nuclear alliances is a bad idea.)
When ZNPP loses external power, huge diesel generators automatically switch on to keep the reactors cool. How much diesel does this consume? Truckloads per day:

Anonymous Sat 27 May 2023 05:18:50 No.428439721 Report Quoted By: >>428463646 428436425 Still easy to transport diesel enough to keep them going In what? If NATO ops and Mercs are sabotaging trucks coming in, what do you think they are gonna carry diesel in to the plant? Is Russia gonna pack in rotopack Jerry cans on their back. Fill a truck up with 5 gallon cans and hope they make it past the snipers and sabotage? Do you have any clue how much fuel those big generators suck down in a day? Those generators to run the plants during shut down or failures are huge 500kw or bigger they are the size of whole 18 wheeler trailers. Those things will drink 50 gallons an hour. You gonna haul in 2.5 gallon rotopacks one at a time to keep it going?

Nuclear power plants have tough shielding. Allegedly the diesel generators are hidden underground. However, the diesel fuel supply is still vulnerable.
Normally the diesel generators have enough fuel for 10 days. However, ZNPP's diesel stockpile recently dipped to 4 days, according to 4chan leaker Inb4source.

Ukrainian saboteurs caught by ZNPP

On May 27, Ukraine accused Russian of planning to cause a leak at ZNPP:

OSINTdefender The Main Directorate of Intelligence for Ukraine has announced that the Russian Military is preparing for Large-Scale Provocation in the coming hours at the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant in Southern Ukraine that will reportedly Simulate an “Accident” at the Plant causing the Emergency Leak of Radioactive Substances which will be Blamed on Ukrainian Forces.

Then Russia announced it had caught saboteurs (presumably Ukrainian) in ZNPP's city:

Saboteurs who were preparing terrorist attacks on the NPP were detained in Energodar. They had with them maps and schematics of the nuclear power plant with marks for strikes that could lead to a nuclear catastrophe. The suspects are involved in collecting and transmitting information about the facilities of the Zaporozhye NPP on the instructions of the Ukrainian authorities. To communicate with the curators, they used foreign satellite systems, as well as foreign weapons for strikes and equipment for conducting reconnaissance and sabotage activities.

• Translated source message is from Telegram group Slavyangrad Chat.
• Original source message is in Russian from Telegram group WarDonbass, sent May 28 at 23:12.

Enerhodar is the city that contains the ZNPP: See Enerhodar Wikipedia
Some object that the footage is "staged". Of course it is staged. The primary consumer of the helmet-cam footage is Russian military intelligence. The evidence shot was staged for their benefit. The short edited video that was released to the public has distorted voices, and avoids showing any faces. Thus even if the footage is authentic, it is still "staged".
The ZNPP maps displayed in the video don't appear to match the announcement text. The maps could simply show where diesel fuel trucks need to go. Russia does not wish to advertise the specific nature of ZNPP's vulnerability.
The saboteurs appear to be 3-man team, equipped with 3 rifles and 3 NLAW missile launchers.
The saboteurs had 5 frag grenades. Normally soldiers carry 2 or 3 grenades, but heavy weapons soldiers don't have to. The three smooth grenades are RGD-5s, a cheap outdated Russian model. The Russian troops removed the fuses from the grenades on the evidence table to avoid unpleasant surprises.
Some object that Ukrainian saboteurs wouldn't be so careless as to have printouts of the reactor map. However, the saboteurs' presence in Enerhodar already makes their target obvious. Presumably multiple teams were sent to intercept Russian diesel shipments.
The Enerhodar saboteurs would've been notified when satellites spotted their target. Until then, they should hide in the safehouse behind blackout curtains to avoid detection. The fact that these saboteurs were caught napping suggests a degree of incompetence, compared to other teams who presumably either avoided detection or fought back. One can assume that Ukrainian specops have suffered extreme casualties.

BB / Red Skull / Inb4source / Q

BB sent Q

Qanon has lost a tremendous amount of popularity, as patriots grew disillusioned with the slow pace of the promised Great Awakening. They did not understand that Q is subordinate to a higher power with an agenda that does not necessarily include their survival.
Q aimed to help Trump save the USA. Q was sent by "Burning Bush", whose agenda is judging humanity, on the eve of WW3 and runaway de-terraforming. BB's personas started posting to 4chan's pol by 2016, whereas Q started in October 2017. (4chan is like the wild west of the Web: The world's spooks congregate there to exchange intelligence.)
BB goes by several nicknames; he began posting anonymously as "Inb4source" in 2016. A recent message implies the USA/Israel is Babylon the Great, and God (meaning him) has returned to judge her:

The world has turned it's back on *od now *od Is turning His back on the world. He Who Lets has been REMOVED. THE ANGEL OF DEATH HAS COME THE HARVEST OF THE TARES HAS BEGUN. And after these things I saw another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and the earth was lightened with his glory. (Earthquake Lights) And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies. And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues. For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities. Reward her even as she rewarded you, and double unto her double according to her works: in the cup which she hath filled fill to her double. How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow. (nothing ever happens) Therefore shall her plagues come in one day, death, and mourning, and famine; and she shall be utterly burned with fire: for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her. And the kings of the earth, who have committed fornication and lived deliciously with her, shall bewail her, and lament for her, when they shall see the smoke of her burning, inb4source

BB claims responsibility for the historical pendulum swinging rightward, via figures such as Elon Musk. His method of influence is the butterfly effect.
"Burning Bush" claims to be God. One can think of him as the God of the Old Testament, or as a pagan god like Zeus, or as merely a transcendent extraterrestrial. However, he also claims to inhabit a human-looking body, lives on a ranch in the USA, has children, caught COVID19, etc.
Whatever one's theology, the relevant portion of BB's message is that the USA did not sufficiently embrace the opportunity offered by Q. Anyone who has read the Old Testament knows what happens next: Ignore the prophet, reap the consequences. Thus Q's slogan "Nothing Can Stop What Is Coming" should be understood in the Biblical sense, like Noah's flood: The Ark is optional.
(As far as I know, Q is still posting to Truth Social. I don't follow that site.)
Paul Furber is the chief priest of BB. Before that, he was a major early proponent of Q. See Furber's book for many verifiable examples of fulfilled predictions and proven scoops.
BB normally identifies himself by the unique image hash of his burning bush picture. (Nobody can generate that hash unless they possess the original image.) However, BB also posts as an anon users nickname "Red Skull", for his signature images of red skulls. As Red Skull, BB avoids the extravagant Biblical claims of BB, but the style and modus operandi and interests are obviously the same – as are his implied godlike powers.
I recommend focusing on facts and trying to prevent nuclear WW3, rather than getting hung up on theology. BB is not asking anyone to worship him or sacrifice chickens. He does prescribe prayer and a life of action governed by virtue.
I certainly do not recommend taking everything anonymous spooks say at face value. If you are, like most people, unable to think in shades of gray between binary true and false, this essay is above your reading level.

BB warns Zaporizhia is pivotal

BB has repeatedly warned that keeping Zaporizhia intact is critical to the survival of NATO citizenry:

the Ukrainians attacking the Nuclear Power station in the hands of the Russians spewing radiation over enough territory that the Russians will turn Kiev into a furnace.

– BB 2022-9-24
Find other warnings by searching for keyword "nuclear".
Those who find it difficult to believe that nuclear weapons would be used in WW3 as in WW2 should note that COVID19 is already a bioweapon WMD deployed for WW3.

RS gives ZNPP sabotage warning

On the morning of May 27, BB's persona Red Skull leaked that NATO specops had sabotaged external power to ZNPP.
His scenario is plausible and severe enough to warrant investigation.
Here are relevant posts, datestamped 2023 May 27 0300-0500:

it's a little less than ten days… Until Nato SpecOps melt down the Uke Nuke plant and blames it on you.

He continues:

Nato SpecOps have sabotaged power to the nuke plant. As of this posting, 6 days of diesel fuel remain to provide power to pumps to cool the plant and spent fuel pool. Diesel shipments are being targeted and terminated.

He adds:

So now I need to tell you Russia intends a pre emptive strike if nuclear capable F16's are delivered.

On the evening of May 27, Red Skull updated:

Doesn't look good at Nuke Plant. Russia has 4 days to get more fuel to the generators. They are working on clearing a flight path. Ukraine will try to stop them on orders of U.S. Uniparty.

Sounds like a severe leak, to lose 2 days of fuel in under 24 hours.

Ukraine HVT: Nuclear tit for tat

On 28 May Red Skull asserted that:

• Ukraine just did an underground nuclear bomb test in a borehole, to contain the radiation.
• Russia may retaliate with a pre-emptive strike at any time, against 1-2 high-value targets.
• West Ukraine may be reduced to the stone-age.

Red Skull approved of this anon's summary:

Nuclear warheads that USA/UK sent. Specifically for the purpose of being exploded in Ukraine. The false flags will never stop until all out WW3 is declared, or until you root out the pedophile demon cult that is running the show and sending you monkeys to war. War for really no good reason at this point. The cities are destroyed, just withdraw. Ukraine is a kettle right now, a kill box. Do you understand what that means? And it was created on purpose.

On May 30, Putin announced that Russia had destroyed the Ukrainian military intelligence headquarters. Photos confirm the damage.

• Putin confirms strike on Ukrainian military intelligence HQ RT
• Putin Strikes Back - Destroys GUR Bunker? Simplicius

Intelligence chief Kyrylo Oleksiyovych Budanov may have died in the strike.

Inb4source / Red Skull 4chan posting history

Inb4source has posted on 4chan since 2016, but he doesn't always use an image hash identifier, making it impossible to verify the identity of all of his early posts. As his popularity grew, others began adopting his catchphrase ">inb4source".
18016 posts on pol contain ">inb4source".
The first page of results suggests Inb4source is a pro-Trump military intelligence officer. He began posting in Aug 2016, before Trump's inauguration.
Another early Inb4source catchphrase is "I AM The Source." This has a double meaning, both theological and journalistic.
The catchphrase doesn't appear in every Inb4source post. Searching for it yields 437 results, too many of which are irrelevant results.
Searching for both phrases together yields 50 results that look to be mostly legitimate. One could then search for additional posts by each unique ID from a session.
Searching for image hashes is a reliable method of ID verification, assuming no one else has the image. I know of two such images that Inb4source/BB uses: both are red skulls, giving him the nickname RS.

• 325 results
• 314 results

RS just announced that his devices (phone, computers) have been compromised, casting doubt on the legitimacy of future RS posts. This may be a response to my publication of his warnings regarding Zaporizhia onto Reddit and Gab; the timing is suspicious. I first mentioned Inb4source on Reddit 7 days ago, and Red Skull on Gab yesterday (as of morning June 3). I do not know of any other analysts writing about him or connecting him to his BB persona.
When evaluating his warnings and predictions, remember that publishing info about ongoing events can affect the outcome, and is often intended to do so. Unlike the concept of Biblical prophecy, the future is mostly probabilistic. However, he is certainly good at scooping the news.
Someone else can do an in-depth Q-proof style analysis of his accuracy; my focus here is Zaporizhia.
Read original with links here.

​
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https://jwwreviews.blogspot.com/2023/06/spider-man-across-spider-verse.html
9.5/10
In this sequel to Into the Spider-Verse, Miles Morales/Spider-Man (voiced by Shameik Moore) reunites with Gwen Stacy (Hailee Steinfeld) and becomes involved with a trans-dimensional task force populated to the gills with various Spider-Men and -Women from across the multiverse. This really carries the ball passed on from the first film: being a combination of heart, humor, and story. The interpersonal relations are so excellently done here. Whereas the last movie focused on Miles' father Jefferson Davis (Brian Tyree Henry), this film gives more screen time to Miles' mother Rio (Luna Lauren Velez) and her relationship with her son. We also get a lot more screentime with Gwen Stacy than I expected. She's really as much the lead of this film as Miles, and we really get to see more about her life and what makes her tick. The movie manages to balance the heavier aspects with a lot of fun jokes, more per capita than the last film. This movie lets the writers play as fast and loose with the Spider world as they want due to endless dimensions. They truly have an immense sandbox to play in. There are fair amount of Spider meta jokes to be found; this was clearly made by fans. The story is pretty ambitious and you probably won't be able to guess where it goes; really, a very creative and well written script. This is darker than the last movie and manages to mine the Spider-Man history of personal drama and tragedy really well. This is one of those two-parter movies, so don't expect everything to be wrapped up here. But, man oh man, does this end on an enticing note. It may have surprised a lot of people that the main villain in this is The Spot (Jason Schwartzman), a mid/lower ranking Spidey villain. He was considered as a bit of a joke by fans when he first appeared in the 80's due to his silly name and appearance, but he's made more appearances in recent years with writers realizing how powerful his skill set is (he can create multiple small portals) and have been making him more of a threat. This movie runs with the characters' history in the fandom and comics and portrays the character as both humorous and threatening. Miguel O'Hara/Spider-Man 2099 is one of the primary characters in this and the only Spider-Man who's super serious and never throws around quips. His goals don't align with Miles' and serves as as a pretty solid anti-hero in this. If you liked the other Spider-People in the last film, don't expect to see a lot of them here. The story just didn't seem to have room. 'Course what everyone remembers the most about the first one was the distinct and quality animation. This movie really manages to surpass that. The animation again is so vibrant and visually creative. Besides, having the world look like it was in the comic book pages, some of the characters from various worlds may have very different animation styles based on said worlds. If you had headaches and eye strain from the fact that the last film was a little like looking at a blue/red 3D image without the glasses, they cut down on that. It's still there somewhat, but it's not as distracting. I'm impressed with the sheer amount of detail in this. All the worlds feel so lived in. This is the sort of animation a college instructor will use as an example in class. If there are any weak spots to this, it's its length, running at 2 hours and 20 minutes. There are so many reveals and plot points that the whole thing might get a little exhausting by the end. Also, this movie carries the Spider-Man tradition of struggling with life's setbacks and hardships and the weight of being a hero as often demonstrated by broad quasi-philosophical monologues. It's part of the Spidey routine by now, but there's so much of it that it may weigh the film down for some. Highly recommended. This is one of the most engaging and creative movies of the year and one of the best looking animated films ever. I think the first film was a little better mostly due to it being a more compact story. But the difference isn't by too much.

Not so long ago I read a book about dog breeding, and came across something that caught my attention: Apparently you can't breed a sable to a merle.
I searched on the internet for an explanation, but I couldn't find anything about it.
After researching more about the involved genes, I figured out the answer and I want to share it with you.
We will be talking about three different genes here:
B gene: Is the gene responsible for the black and liver colorations, and the brindle pattern.
A gene: The agouti gene. It has many alleles (versions of the gene): Fawn, shaded sable, agouti (wolf sable), saddleback, tan points and recessive black.
And the merle gene.
Something I figured out through observation is that in merle & tan aussies, the merle gene only modifies black coloration (turning it into blue merle) and the liver coloration (turning it into red merle) but it doesn't modify the tan points.
After some research, I found out that the merle gene doesn't modify pheomelanin pigment, it only works with eumelanin. Black and liver come from eumelanin, while tan points and all other tan markings in dogs with the agouti gene are made of pheomelanin.
In dogs with the agouti gene; shaded sable, wolf sable, saddleback and tan points show the B gene is some part of their body: Shaded sable shows black/liver on the shade, wolf sable on each individual hair, saddleback on the saddle and tan points appear in a black/liver base. Therefore the merle gene only modifies the hairs that are non-agouti.
If you see a shaded sablemerle, you can see a faint merle pattern on their back. A sablemerle can be easily mistaken for a sable, and if they are bred to a merle (or another sablemerle) they risk having double-merle puppies. Prohibiting sable x merle breeding erases this problem altogether.
Now, the big problem comes from breeding fawns to merles. Fawns usually show little to no black/liver. This breeding can result in dogs that look like a normal fawn but are genetically merle. Although dogs that carry the merle gene always show a merle pattern, this won't happen if the dog's coat color is mostly made of pheomelanin.
Not only this happens with the agouti gene. The same effect appears in the extension locus (responsible for the red coloration of irish setters, brittanys and yellow labs)

​
https://preview.redd.it/xbbmvwk05y2b1.jpg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=116c1a4c80219604524cc4a321c8086cdb93a5a7
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Jotarora's IGS Rep Page2
Jotarora's IGS Rep Page
Barter

Only interested in my want list below, or wishlist, and most likely won't read the list you left in my commecnt.

Have:
Trade or PayPal (willing to trade multiple games for wishlist):

• Destiny 2: Beyond Light (x3)
• Gloria Victis (x3)
• PULSAR: Lost Colony (x3)
• Midnight Ghost Hunt (x3)
• Northgard (x3)
• Generation Zero (x3)
• Lost Planet® 3 Complete Pack
• Bionic Commando: Rearmed
• Twilight Struggle
• SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom - Rehydrated
• Minecraft for Windows Starter Collection (Microsoft Store)
• Army Men RTS
• Black Book
• Cook-Out
• Dungeon of the Endless
• Finding Paradise
• Fling to the Finish (Region unknown, not US or EU, can included for free)
• Full Throttle Remastered
• GRIP: Combat Racing
• Hack 'n' Slash
• Headlander
• Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
• Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
• Lemnis Gate
• Mars Horizon
• Morkredd
• Octahedron: Transfixed Edition
• Peppy's Adventure
• Railroad Tycoon II Platinum
• Reventure
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Australia Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Khmer & Indonesia Double Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Nubia Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Poland Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Vikings Scenario Pack
• Spacebase DF-9
• Styx: Master of Shadows
• The Wild Eight
• Tower Tag
• Wands

Want: * Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition * Patch Quest * Trombone Champ * Broforce * Katana Zero * Stacklands * RimWorld * The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth * Firework * Factorio * Divinity: Original Sin 2 - Definitive Edition * Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove * Resident Evil Village * ENDER LILIES: Quietus of the Knights * Mini Motorways * The Jackbox Party Pack 7 * Cuphead - The Delicious Last Course * The Jackbox Party Pack 8 * Little Nightmares II * DARK SOULS™ II * DARK SOULS™ III * Sekiro™: Shadows Die Twice - GOTY Edition * ELDEN RING * Red Dead Redemption 2

Jotarora's IGS Rep Page2
Jotarora's IGS Rep Page
Barter

Only interested in my want list below, or wishlist, and most likely won't read the list you left in my commecnt.

Have:
Trade or PayPal (willing to trade multiple games for wishlist):

• Destiny 2: Beyond Light (x3)
• Gloria Victis (x3)
• PULSAR: Lost Colony (x3)
• Midnight Ghost Hunt (x3)
• Northgard (x3)
• Generation Zero (x3)
• Lost Planet® 3 Complete Pack
• Bionic Commando: Rearmed
• Twilight Struggle
• SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom - Rehydrated
• Minecraft for Windows Starter Collection (Microsoft Store)
• Army Men RTS
• Black Book
• Cook-Out
• Dungeon of the Endless
• Finding Paradise
• Fling to the Finish (Region unknown, not US or EU, can included for free)
• Full Throttle Remastered
• GRIP: Combat Racing
• Hack 'n' Slash
• Headlander
• Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
• Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
• Lemnis Gate
• Mars Horizon
• Morkredd
• Octahedron: Transfixed Edition
• Peppy's Adventure
• Railroad Tycoon II Platinum
• Reventure
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Australia Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Khmer & Indonesia Double Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Nubia Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Poland Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Sid Meier’s Civilization VI - Vikings Scenario Pack
• Spacebase DF-9
• Styx: Master of Shadows
• The Wild Eight
• Tower Tag
• Wands

Want: * Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition * Patch Quest * Trombone Champ * Broforce * Katana Zero * Stacklands * RimWorld * The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth * Firework * Factorio * Divinity: Original Sin 2 - Definitive Edition * Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove * Resident Evil Village * ENDER LILIES: Quietus of the Knights * Mini Motorways * The Jackbox Party Pack 7 * Cuphead - The Delicious Last Course * The Jackbox Party Pack 8 * Little Nightmares II * DARK SOULS™ II * DARK SOULS™ III * Sekiro™: Shadows Die Twice - GOTY Edition * ELDEN RING * Red Dead Redemption 2

Ba-doh, ba-doh, ba-doh, ba-doh-ba
Ba-doh, ba-doh, ba-doh, ba-doh-ba
Sincerely, oh yes, sincerely
'Cause I love you so dearly, please say you'll be mine
-The Moonglows
Part I - The End
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. If I keep saying it maybe it will be true.
But it was happening. Tough times. Humpty Dumpty times. Out of gas in the desert with no bars times.
And, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse than a Tijuana root canal; she walked in. Out of the sweltering Mexican heat, into the dim bar, she came; the only thing standing between me and the blinding light. I heard a couple of gunshots somewhere in the distance.
I still remember how the sun illuminated my 2pm rise and shine, shit-faced full of no caffeine afternoon after, hair of the dog; tequila shot and beer. Like I said, tough times on the Ponderosa, Hoss.
Every time I think of that moment, I stand transfixed in time. Unable to move, frozen in-place tighter than a suckered kid’s tongue to a Chicago lamppost in a February ice storm. Maggie had long ago won my heart’s devotion only to betray both me, and it, in ways still inconceivable to my sauce pan of a brain.
So, a couple of months ago, my life in post-apocalyptic ruin, I did what any red-blooded American would do; I flew across the border to CDMX to drown my sorrows in tequila and cheap living. And now, incomprehensibly, here she was; back, again like the September monsoon. Had the bitch air tagged me?
It seemed with Maggie my heart’s devotion was not enough. Everything she wanted and received soon became a dull knife; just ain’t cutting. Mags had to have it all, all the time. And I thought she had gotten all of me and more. Who’d think she’d want to pick at the carcass? But inexplicably, there she was like my constant migraine, the one that never really left the base of my skull.
Without a word Mags swooped in close like she missed me and now hadda kiss me.
Then, quicker than lightning showing off, she plunged her delicate-boned hand deep into my chest. She then removed it with even greater alacrity holding it high above her jet-black mane. She waved it for all the bar to see, my still beating corazón in it, color-coordinating against it’s will with her manicure, making what looked like vague Italian gestures.
Nobody in the bar paid us any mind.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t help but avert my horrified gaze into my now exposed chest cavity, only to witness darkness within darkness gazing back at me.
“Heyyyyyy,” a voiceless voice greeted and saluted.
I looked up at Maggie. She took the seat opposite mine. Then reaching over with her free hand commandeered my tequila and knocked it back quick. Her encore was to grab my beer and drain it with all the mud she could muster into my eye. Then, with a satisfied look she dropped the now emptied bottle on the wooden table hard enough to make a thud.
Maggie then met my stare. My cardia beating peripatetically in her freshly manicured right-hand she made an elaborate shrug, her face smug as a tyrant’s fart.
I remembered wondering what the fuck was keeping my cardio so vascular. It sure as fuck wasn’t clean living. Then, that voiceless voice had yet more to say.
“Now what, Spenser?” it asked.
Now, it was now my turn to shrug. Surprisingly, despite being a now certifiably heartless son of a bitch, I, too, had something to say. So, I said it.
“You’re fucking diabolical, Maggie.”
My words of judgment echoed clear, permeating deep into the abyss, then back again at Maggie. She caught my words easier than a kitten catches smiles. She just shrugged again. It was starting to get annoying.
“You ruined me,” I added just to be doing something.
The shrug undulated down from her tan and toned shoulder through her arm, finally coming to a full stop at her finger’s tips.
Waving my heart at me with more vague Italian gestures Mags asked, “How can you be so sure, Spenser?”
Part II – The Middle
Sincerely, oh you know how I love you
I'll do anything for you, please say you'll be mine
...
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. My new mantra wasn’t working.
Six months ago, I thought Maggie was the answer to my dreams.
Swooping down like an angel to shower me with attention and affection. Dinners with wine. Hot sex. More hot sex. No strings attached. Getting to know you pillow talk.
Now, there’s one thing I need to add. I met her through a dating app but as it turned out we both worked for the same nonprofit. We didn’t know each other as it’s a fairly big company but it turned out I supported the code for both her projects. This turned out to be one of many coincidences.
We both hated our jobs. We both liked writing short stories but never could sell a thing despite writing dozens and dozens. We both could dance salsa, on 1 and 2 and loved to hablar en español que no era muy guapo.
We both wanted to run away to Mexico city and live the Bohemian life.
Coincidences like we both grew up in NYC and had issues with our respective families of origin. And while she was Chinese-American and I was Russian-American both our fathers were born in the same year and were obsessed with Woody Allen. We both had much younger siblings we didn’t speak to.
Yeah, we had both grown up with weak fathers and selfish narcissistic mothers in common. And worser still, we had both experienced unstable living situations in high school. In my case, I was kicked out of the house for smoking weed.
In Maggie’s case, I never really was sure what went down but the best I could get out of her was at 13 she got pissed at her mom for cheating on her dad and left the house with nowhere to go. She ended up with family friends or relatives but the details were always murky and I was not the nosey type.
Her words to me were, “My mother’s emotional IQ is low. I raised myself.”
Impressively, she had made it through the Ivy League and seemed to be someone down to earth I could spend time with. But truth be told from the minute I saw her profile picture I was hotter than a Texas chili sprout for her.
It was some kind of primal attraction I thought I was long past entertaining. It wasn’t lust. It wasn’t love. It was like the thought of coming home to a family I never knew I had or that even could exist.
This shit made old me feel like young me again. But, as oft is the case in life, there was a problem. I was old, broke and probably about to lose my job. I was in IT and I was having problems with my manager being a psychopath; for reals.
It wasn’t mere conjecture as he had a reputation of getting people fired, or worse, making their lives so miserable they would quit; even with no prospects. I had been the focus of his sabotaging efforts and it had been having a bad effect on my mental and physical well-being.
This had taken a turn for the worse and I was catching a lot of passive aggressive hostility on the project Maggie supported.
Anyway, she was the bright spot in my otherwise mostly solitary and emotionally bleak life. And she lived nearby. She had an ex and kids and shared custody but I never met them and she didn’t really talk much about it except to say once, “You should need a license to have kids.”
I never had quite known what to make of some of the things she said, but like I said, I was under her spell. And I liked it.
And the icing on top? I had a dominant kinky side and that was a fire Maggie poured gasoline on every chance she got. She was worse than an arsonist in Underoo Town.
One weird thing about Mags was her knitting habit. If we weren’t fucking or eating she was knitting. Even at restaurants and bars.
One day in November, with the sun golden in a sky so blue you thought you could touch it I asked, “What are you knitting?”
Maggie gave me a wry look. She got out of her chair and seemed to be examining my bald head which I had shaved just that morning.
“A hat,” she replied.
But as the holidays rolled around things started to change. One Sunday morning as we were having coffee Maggie looked around the crowded steamy café.
“Everybody’s hooking up for the holidays,” she remarked.
I didn’t really know what to do with that one so I let it be.
But as the days went on there was a change in the weather. Fewer texts. Less sex. Maggie going out of town to some vague destination. Sending me sexy pictures of herself in Santa outfits after I caught the flu during Christmas.
A few days after Christmas I got a text late one night.
“Is it okay if I come by?”
“Very okay,” was my reply.
Maggie showed up with chocolate, red wine and the hat she had been knitting. Orange Afghani wool softer than a golden retriever’s fur. She put the hat on my head and then removed all my clothes.
“Let’s celebrate Christmas, Spenser.”
And, we did.
When we were done and lying head-to-head, I said, “I love my hat.”
Maggie said, “I made it especially for you. No matter what, don’t lose it.”
It was another one of those weird Maggie things she said, like, “I used to shoplift,” and shit like that.
I nodded.
“Promise me you’ll hold on to your hat, Spenser.”
“I promise.”
Maggie observed my face, then nodded as if confirming something to herself.
“Okay.”
Then we did that thing again.
That was the pinnacle. Things quickly went downhill for no reason I could discern. Texts unanswered and when answered; kind of abrupt-like. Being unavailable. Stuff with her kids. Time away in Connecticut for some vague reason. After that I began feeling like the weakest card in a gambler’s hand.
But Maggie kept shoe horning me in at odd times, giving me just enough crumbs to keep me on the hook. And as we rode the roller coaster down everything always seemed to center around alcohol. And sex. More and more debauched sex. Finally, by New Year’s Eve things were getting straight-up weird no chaser.
“You know that thing we talked about?”
By her tone I knew what she meant. I nodded cautiously.
“You want to try it?”
Maggie dropped a smile on me that would have had the serpent in the garden applying for unemployment.
“Yes,” she said.
So, we did.
I thought I had been imagining things. I thought we were back at the pinnacle. I could feel the love drug course through my veins. Things couldn’t be better. Or, so I thought.
Oh Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girlie so
The Following Monday
The next Monday I was called into what turned out to be the most fucking bizarre moment of my fifty-eight years on this planet; and I’ve had some bizarre fucking moments growing up in south Brooklyn in the 1970’s; believe you me.
The company’s CIO, compliance officer, head of legal, head of HR and my evil manager, Conte Rugen were all in attendance, cameras ROLLING.
It appears I was being dismissed after 8 years loyal service for sexual assault, extortion, harassment, hate speech, insults to farm animals and every fucking other offense against God and man one could commit in these holiest of holy United States of America.
And just who had I… who had I.. victimized? Who had I preyed upon? Harassed? Gone full nutso on?
Maggie.
They had the goods. Recordings. Video. Ropes. Whips. Chains. Bad Spanglish. Maggie screaming, “No, papi! No!!!!”
I believe I was, what is known in legal parlance as, summarily fucked.
Nobody wanted to hear my side. How things were taken out of context. Things we had mutually consented to out of exciting and bonding trust and exploration.
“Did I have consent agreement?” I parroted back in shock to the head of legal.
“Did you get one when you fucked your mother in the ass before she shat you out?” I added just to keep my mouth from puking.
I was in bombshell shock. Maggie was my angel. Our situationship was supposed to be fucking healing from our abused childhoods and here I am now some kind of Tarantinoesque, Mr. Fucking Rapist? And my fucking manager once bragging about throwing a cat out a window when he was a juvenile delinquent?!?
There would be charges pressed. I would need an attorney. I might be arrested.
And it all happened faster than you can say, “Blue Monday, How I hate Blue Monday”.
And then Maggie sued the company. Take no fucking prisoners, Maggie. Disco-fucking-inferno burn that mother down we don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn Maggie. I wondered if her ex had been left on food stamps after the divorce.
A few months and my life savings and retirement account after that the criminal case got pleaded down to misdemeanor assault and I was able to arbitrate with my employer and Maggie’s lawyer leaving me with some clothes, my passport and precisely enough plastic to fly into the sweltering Mexican heat. So, fly into it I did.
Part III – The Beginning
Sincerely, oh you know how I love you
I'll do anything for you, please say you'll be mine
Oh Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girlie so
She doesn't want me
But I'll never never never never let her go
...
“I wish you’d stop waving that thing at me,” I said gesturing at my heart with my chin.
“You’re still upset,” Maggie said. It wasn’t a question.
“You fucking abused me. You fucking eviscerated me. Yeah, you could say I’m a little perturbed.”
“But you’re still wearing the hat,” she said smiling.
“It’s a bad ass hat,” I said. It was after all. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?
“I put a lot of time and thought into it,” she said. My heart continued to beat in her hand.
...
Oh Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girlie so
She doesn't want me
But I'll never never never never let her go
...
“Look,” she said waving my heart at me.
“I really wish you wouldn’t wave that around like that.”
The voice in the abyss in my chest spoke. It said, “Wait for it.”
Maggie said, “Spenser, you poor fucking sap. You hate your fucking job. You try to do the right fucking thing and speak up and you get kicked around like a dog. You try to love hard and you get beat up and left in an alley. You try to write books and start businesses and you end up bankrupt or dead.
And now look at you! You don’t have a care in the fucking world. You don’t have a shitty job. You are in beautiful Mexico City with the girl of your dreams. You say your heart was hardened? Well, I say it feels pretty fucking soft and sweet to me. Like the hat I knitted you. With the pom pom. And you know what?”
“What?” I heard myself murmur?
The abyss in my chest said, “Yeah, what?”
“Well, one the fucking pom pom has a beacon so I knew where you were the whole fucking time you sap. So I can tell you this true. And I will. So here I am in fucking Mexico sweating my tits off. And I am telling you this," she said nodding at my cardio, "is a very good heart. And I am putting it back where it belongs.
There is nothing wrong with it and now nobody can hurt it again. And if you want to write a book now you have something, and someone,” she added with a wry smile, “to write about.”
Then lightning quick Maggie put it back in my chest and removing her hand made a quick flourish gesturing for the waitress.
“Botella de tequila, por favor!”
I looked down at my chest. Everything seemed to be the way it had been before she ripped out my heart. Only different.
I was about to speak. Maggie raised a hand.
The waitress appeared like a wraith and put down a bottle of Don Julio and two fresh shot glasses and two cold ones.
Maggie poured two shots and pushed one at me with the hand that had been holding my cardio captive. She then fished around in her pocket and found her phone.
“What the fuck, right," that's what your thinking, Spenser. Yeah, what the fuck is right. Look at this baby boy,” she said and then pushed her phone next to the shot glass.
I was looking at what appeared to be a bank balance that appeared ready, willing and able to face fuck an extraordinarily tall giraffe. I felt the migraine disappear like a bad dream.
Maggie gave me a wry smile.
She pushed the shot glass closer to me and picked hers up. I felt my elbow bending. It felt okay.
She tilted her shot at me and said, "Here's looking at you, kid," and took the shot. I drank mine.
We put our glasses down.
“You can negotiate anything," she said, then added, "sincerely.”
And then, then she kissed me.
Oh say you'll be mine
Oo-eee, oo-eee-oo, ooi-ooi-ooo
Sincerely

For sale, for Steam gift cards (or gifted Steam Wallet balance):
​

• Dark Souls™: Prepare To Die™ Edition (removed from Steam Store; $350 $400 or best offer)
• Fall Guys (removed from Steam Store)
• Fall Guys - Dragon Hugger Pack (removed from Steam Store)
• Fall Guys - Icy Adventure Pack (removed from Steam Store)

​

• Humble Hunie Sakura Bundle (can also trade for a full "charity" bundle (Australia Fire Relief Bundle or similar))
• Humble Sekai Project Bundle (can also trade for a full "charity" bundle (Stand with Ukraine Bundle or similar))

​
For trade:
*tentatively up for trade, assuming I buy the bundle
​

• Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
• Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition

​

• Bionic Commando: Rearmed
• Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
• Lost Planet 3 - Complete
• Mega Man Legacy Collection
• STRIDER™ / ストライダー飛竜®

​

• Aground
• Calico
• Evan's Remains
• Lake
• StarCrossed
• Teacup

​

• Into the Radius VR

​

• Aliens: Fireteam Elite
• Founders' Fortune
• Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp

​

• Nomad Survival
• Scarlet Tower

​

• The Citadel
• Forgive Me Father
• Viscerafest
• WRATH: Aeon of Ruin

​

• The Blackout Club

​

• BIOMUTANT
• Edge Of Eternity
• Golden Light

​

• Call of the Sea
• Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

​

• 112 Operator
• 911 Operator
• The Amazing American Circus
• Armello
• Backbone
• Calico
• Cris Tales
• Euro Truck Simulator 2
• Farming Simulator 17
• Ghostrunner
• Gotham Knights
• Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
• Lust from Beyond: M Edition
• Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine
• Orbital Racer
• Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Plus Edition
• PAYDAY 2
• Pilgrims
• Soulblight
• Space Crew: Legendary Edition
• Starfinder Core Rulebook (Paizo key) and Starfinder Adventure: Junker's Delight (Paizo key)
• Strange Brigade
• Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
• System Shock 2
• System Shock: Enhanced Edition
• Ticket to Ride
• XCOM® 2
• X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack

​

• Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game
• Fallout 76
• Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
• Othercide
• Shady Part of Me

​

• The Last Campfire

​

• Sakura Swim Club

​

• Summer in Mara
• Townscaper

​

• The Long Dark: Survival Edition

​

• Stranded Sails - Explorers of the Cursed Islands

​

• Conan Chop Chop
• Grow: Song of the Evertree

​

• Styx: Shards of Darkness

​

• Hard West
• John Wick Hex
• Phantom Doctrine
• Red Solstice 2: Survivors

​

• Arizona Sunshine

​

• Backbone
• Blade Assault
• First Class Trouble
• Super Magbot

​

• Golf Gang
• Maid of Sker

​

• Vampire: The Masquerade - Coteries of New York
• Vampire: The Masquerade - Shadows of New York
• Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Heart of the Forest

​

• Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl

​

• Baldur's Gate: Faces of Good and Evil
• Baldur's Gate: Siege of Dragonspear
• Icewind Dale: Enhanced Edition

​

• Crown Trick

​

• Guts and Glory
• Hello Neighbor

​

• Day of the Tentacle Remastered
• Grim Fandango Remastered
• Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
• STAR WARS®: Knights of the Old Republic™ II

​

• Duke Nukem Forever
• PGA TOUR 2K21
• WWE 2K Battlegrounds

​

• Emily is Away <3
• In Sound Mind

​

• Little Big Workshop
• Not Tonight

​

• Brigador Deluxe Edition
• Verdun

​

• Resident Evil 0
• Resident Evil 6
• Resident Evil
• Resident Evil Revelations

​

• EVERSPACE™

​

• Dreamfall Chapters

​

• Cultist Simulator
• GWENT: The Witcher Card Game - Ultimate Starter Pack (GOG key)

​

• The LEGO® NINJAGO® Movie Video Game

​

• 2064: Read Only Memories

​

• Legend of Keepers: Career of a Dungeon Manager
• Legion TD 2 - Multiplayer Tower Defense

​

• STAR WARS™: Squadrons (Origin key)(?)

​

• Bionic Commando
• Street Fighter V

​

• As Far As The Eye
• Impulsion

​

• Command & Conquer Remastered Collection (Origin key)

​

• Orcs Must Die! 2 - Complete Pack

​

• Bartlow's Dread Machine

​

• Blaston

​

• White Day: A Labyrinth Named School

​

• The Walking Dead

​

• Total Tank Simulator

​

• Archangel: Hellfire - Fully Loaded

​

• XCOM® 2

​

• Black The Fall
• Goetia

​

• Highway Blossoms

​

• Among the Sleep - Enhanced Edition

​

• Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
• This War of Mine

​

• Tom Clancy's The Division™ (Uplay key)
• Tom Clancy's The Division™ - Survival (Uplay key)

​

• Highway Blossoms
• HunieCam Studio
• KARAKARA
• Sunrider Academy
• Sunrider: Liberation Day - Captain's Edition

​

• Civilization VI - Australia Civilization & Scenario Pack
• Civilization VI - Vikings Scenario Pack

​

• A Kiss For the Petals - Remembering How We Met

​

• Hacknet
• Satellite Reign

​

• The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing: Final Cut

​

• The Elder Scrolls: Legends: 2 Card Packs (Skyrim) 1 Event Ticket 100 Gold 100 Souls
• ESO Vanity Pet: Bristlegut Piglet and 15 Days of ESO Plus

​

• Ame no Marginal -Rain Marginal-
• KARAKARA
• Memory's Dogma CODE:01
• Narcissu 10th Anniversary Anthology Project
• Narcissu 10th Anniversary Anthology Project - Season Pass

​

• A Kiss For the Petals - Remembering How We Met
• Sakura Angels
• Beach Bounce
• Beach Bounce - Soundtrack
• Blue Rose

​

• Lionessy Story
• My Personal Angel
• Natural - Beyond Nature -
• Postmen Of Horizon (removed from Steam Store)

​

• The Reject Demon: Toko Chapter 0 — Prelude

​

• Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards]
• Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle
• Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle : School Girls Edition
• Poker Pretty Girls Battle: Texas Hold'em
• Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire

​

• Guns of Icarus Alliance
• Guns of Icarus Online
• Impossible Creatures Steam Edition
• Lethal League
• Tempest: Pirate Action RPG
• Tempest - Treasure Lands
• Tempest - Original Soundtrack
• Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf
• Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide

​

• For The King
• Book of Demons
• PlateUp!
• Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition
• Kingdom Two Crowns
• White Day: A Labyrinth Named School
• Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
• Chivalry: Medieval Warfare
• Steel Rats™
• Hue
• Sifu Deluxe Edition Upgrade Bundle (Epic key)
• Gal*Gun: Double Peace
• The Invisible Hours
• Synergia
• ROCKETRON
• Project Nimbus: Complete Edition
• Dead Age
• Dusk Diver 酉閃町
• Spirit Hunter: NG
• Slain: Back from Hell(?)
• Cook, Serve, Delicious!
• Tower of Time
• Danger Scavenger
• Survive the Nights
• The Beast Inside
• Valfaris
• Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
• This War of Mine
• My Time At Portia

​

• Knights of Pen and Paper +1 Edition
• Knights of Pen and Paper 2 - Here Be Dragons

​

• 112 Operator
• 911 Operator
• Book of Demons
• Broken Age
• Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons
• Crying Suns
• Crying Suns
• Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
• Driftland: The Magic Revival
• Liberated (GOG key)
• Moon Hunters
• Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
• Rustler (Grand Theft Horse)
• Wanderlust: Travel Stories (GOG key)
• WARSAW
• X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC (I believe this redeems as the linked Complete Pack, minus the soundtrack)
• ΔV: Rings of Saturn(?)

​

• Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game
• Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
• Phoenix Point: Year One Edition
• Deliver Us The Moon
• Morkredd
• Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
• Space Crew: Legendary Edition
• Spirit Hunter: NG
• Survivalist: Invisible Strain
• Warhammer: Vermintide 2
• ENDLESS™ Space 2
• Surviving the Aftermath
• The Long Dark

​

• Blade Assault
• Founders' Fortune
• Hokko Life
• Monster Crown
• Fallout 76
• Othercide
• Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous - Enhanced Edition
• ScourgeBringer
• Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey
• HOT WHEELS UNLEASHED™
• Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition
• Sonic CD (removed from Steam Store)
• LEGO® Harry Potter: Years 1-4
• LEGO® Harry Potter: Years 5-7
• STRIDER™ / ストライダー飛竜®
• Bionic Commando
• Full Metal Furies
• Ultra Street Fighter® IV
• Starbound
• Mafia III: Sign of the Times
• Outlast 2
• BioShock 2
• Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition
• Sherlock Holmes: The Devil's Daughter
• The Mean Greens - Plastic Warfare
• Crusaders of the Lost Idols Legendary Starter Pack
• Project CARS (removed from Steam Store)

​
WANT:
​

• 5D Chess With Multiverse Time Travel
• A Hat in Time
• Avernum: Escape from the Pit
• Bendy and the Ink Machine
• CrossCode
• Dead Rising 4
• Dungreed
• Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition
• NBA 2K Playgrounds 2
• NECROPOLIS: BRUTAL EDITION
• Omensight: Definitive Edition
• Submerged
• Tower Unite
• Wonder Boy: The Dragon's Trap
• Zombie Army 4: Dead War

​
IGS Rep Page: https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/ti26nz/mizznos_igs_rep_page/

​
https://preview.redd.it/xbbmvwk05y2b1.jpg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=116c1a4c80219604524cc4a321c8086cdb93a5a7
if ANYONE is interested send me a message on Fiverr
==> https://bazarcom.org/Biahezacourse
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Index of posts:

Introduction Post
Chapter 1: Lessons from Vietnam Veterans (You are here)
Chapter 2: (Coming Soon)

Welcome to Chapter 1 of our reading/discussion of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. I've decided to do 1 chapter per post every couple of days rather than 1 section (around 3 chapters) per week. This is because, personally, I find a lot to process in each chapter and am curious to share and hear from you on each section. Sometimes there is a lot to unpack even in a single paragraph, sentence or word. Grab a highlighter.
You can download or bookmark the STUDY GUIDE in PDF format which was created by The Trauma Research Foundation (co-founded the author) for their book club reading. I'll post an image of each page with the chapter summary as an image may be easier on mobile...and I'll note my questions and their questions for you. Their TRF website is a great future resource as well for programs, book clubs, events, newsletters etc. You can also follow the author on Facebook as well as TRF.
Recommended VIDEO TRF Book Club Week 1 is a 90 minute recording of their book club meeting on chapters 1-3.
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I'm going to go through and note sections and words that I highlighted and share my thoughts...trying to avoid being self-indulgent but the reason I decided to do this book club was because I was reading and highlighting these things and feel pretty sure MANY (if not most/all) of my fellow RBB's would probably have thoughts along these lines as well.
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I wanted to start by talking about what I highlighted in the prologue which was the following.
Page 2: It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror, and the shame of utter weakness of vulnerability. Very validating to me...it's exhausting. I didn't know I needed someone to tell me that, but apparently I did. I also highlighted other words in the paragraph as it was meaningful to think how part of the brain is devoted to survival, below our rational brain...and that is making things hard by holding on to trauma responses. A lot of the book is devoted to learning about this, of course, in great detail. I also noted stress hormones and that the posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. This is what I've been dealing with a lot lately! I'm 43...my job is a little stressful and I have minor arguments and conflict with customers but I feel I am struggling wayyyy more than I should... I put sticky notes on my desk (I work from home) that say "You are safe" and "you are loved" but my body doesn't give a shit. The overwhelming feeling that I am not safe WILL NOT go away from my body. This is what prompted me, finally, to get this book.
On page 3 I also highlighted that the trauma compromises the brain area that makes us feel alive. Wow. Do my trauma responses keep me from the feeling the feeling of being alive at times? Sadly, yes. Also highlighted trouble learning from experience as this is something that dawned on me the second I read the sentence. Trouble learning from experience? Seems silly but I noticed that lately when I have a trauma response...the person I am in that minute has failed to learn. I get panicky and shut down and I handle the situation badly which makes it even worse. I don't say the right things and the situation that is triggering the trauma escalates. My wife or the customer gets even madder because I'm acting like a dumbass who can't talk and can't empathize. But it's because I feel like I'm a small child and I don't feel safe. I am no contact with my bpd mother but I know 100% that this was also the case when I dealt with her, which is why she ran all over me and caused nervous breakdowns and interpersonal conflict until I couldn't take it anymore (finally) when I became a husband and father.
Did you have strong responses to anything in the prologue like I did? I was surprised that there was so much I responded to emotionally and it made me feel hopeful for recovery...considering I almost skipped reading it.
Onto Chapter 1
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CHAPTER 1 - Lessons from Vietnam veterans. Click here for the study guide in an image format as it might be easier on mobile than a PDF.
Psychotherapist Jennifer Griesbach identified three main ideas in this chapter and her blog post has a wonderful, detailed analysis.

1. Trauma as living life as a memorial to the past that is maintained in a culture of denial.
2. How we recognize trauma in the present: loss of self, numbing, reorganization of perception, stuck in trauma
3. Towards a new understanding: helping the whole person, body and mind, understand that the trauma is over

My thoughts on the chapter: Of course it was no surprise that traumatized children with mental, emotional and physical abuse will have a lot of common with Vietnam Veterans who lose their shit when they hear a loud bang...only of course we get triggered by much more ordinary events at times. A loving mother in a movie or a controlling mother...yikes. Worse than any horror movie.
The things I highlighted in this chapter noted how Tom went through the motions of living a normal life, had a thriving law practice and lovely family but felt dead inside. Now, I don't feel that way all the time (thank god) but I know I do sometimes. Ouch.
I noticed on page 9 how the author mentions his father and uncle possibly having PTSD as they possibly felt disconnected and how his mother had childhood trauma and would faint and blame her children for making her upset. No wonder he devoted his life to trauma research.
On page 11 I highlighted how PTSD causes you to develop a chronic vigilance for and sensitivity to threat. Hot damn if that doesn't explain how I feel a lot of the time. I feel myself getting hot and bothered when I hear people around me, whether at a soccer game or restaurant or preschool, arguing or escalating, or even think about something that might happen. I worry anyone at any time could be a threat. The author also notes that it isn't all in your head but has a physiological basis which again is very striking for me as I have been thinking lately that the pills and the therapy are working for my head but my body still freaks out and makes me feel terrified...like all the time.
Pages 12-13 talk about trauma causing you to lose yourself...Tom had paralyzing shame. (I feel you, Tom) and mentioned acts of revenge on those who have wronged him. I do think about revenge sometimes, I'll be honest. I imagine telling my mother what she did to me, or hurting her emotionally or physically...and I feel guilty. Or I realize it would not fix anything but would make me a monster, possibly. At the bottom of page 13 there are things about PTSD veterans despizing themselves for how they felt...feeling shame about the actions they took to survive and maintain a connection with the person who abused them. This is the part of Chapter 1 where I felt like the author is literally talking about US.
I read posts all the time, especially noticing lately after reading this, where people feel embarrassed for what they did or said. Their mom pissed them off and they don't feel they handled it the best way or feel shameful about how they responded (it wasn't the right way). I want to hug them and just say stop. This is your PARENT! They aren't taking care of you, they have hurt you...you are not a bad person for trying to protect yourself. Everywhere I look lately while reading this book (watching The Last of Us on HBO for example) I see trauma response, trauma response, trauma response...
At the top of page 14 I felt like this was literally written about us on the RBB subreddit so I circled the whole thing.
This was particularly true if the abuser was someone close to the child, someone the child depended on, as is so often the case. The result can be confusion about whether one was a victim or willing participant, which in turn leads to bewilderment about the difference between love and terror; pain and pleasure.
Yes...it is true. If I ever get a time machine I'm going back in time to give myself this week.
On page 14 I highlighted living behind a glass wall because I am definitely there sometimes. Seeing a stranger in the mirror who happens to look and talk like me. Floating in space. In college I went through weeks of feeling normal and then weeks of feeling JUST LIKE THAT. I couldn't go to parties. I felt like an alien.
On page 15 the author talks about trauma changing your perception and imagination. This was a little mind-blowing to me. Do you go through creative periods of your life and then come to another period where you realize I have no hobbies and nothing that brings me pleasure, like AT ALL? It's hard to remember when I ever did. Yeah. At the bottom of page 15 I highlighted the sentence "I thik this man is suffering from memories" because yeah...it's me.
On page 16 I was first introduced to the idea of how flashbacks can be re-traumatizing. This is part of what's hard for me to deal with right now. Part of it is from reading this book and doing therapy where I'm purposefully confronting the past...but lately I am actually feeling like remembering the trauma and feeling it over again is almost worst than the original trauma. That's why I need this current journey to read the book and do the treatments.
If you're like me...reading this and thinking about it is exhilarating but exhausting and a bit traumatizing. Drink some water and take some deep breaths.
On page 19 I highlighted the part which notes that for most people (as in...healthy people) a traumatizing event eventually fades. But trauma patients are unable to make their past into a story that happened long ago. (Hi, it's me.)
FROM THE STUDY GUIDE: 3 Salient points

1. Soldiers’ reactions to traumatic experiences following the war demonstrate the undeniable connection between mind and body.
2. In order to overcome trauma, one must move past the physiological impact of trauma on the body and train the brain to recognize when it is safe.
3. Trauma responses are often an “invisible illness.” Those suffering in the aftermath of trauma may appear successful but be struggling immensely.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
I'm curious if you responded to some of the same things I did, or others I didn't mention. Do you feel similarities or differences between yourself and Vietnam Veterans? What does this chapter make you feel or think about? Do you feel hopeful or traumatized? Is it hard to read or does it make you feel better?
Study guide questions:
1. In talking about the case of Bill, Van der Kolk paraphrases a quote from Freud: “I believe this man is suffering from memories” (p. 15). Oftentimes, trauma symptoms are mistaken for other mental health conditions. How do you think the fields of counseling and psychiatry can better prevent these harmful mistakes from continuing to occur?
2. Why is it pertinent that we treat both body and mind in survivors of trauma?
3. During this time period when Van der Kolk was learning from Vietnam veterans and becoming aware of the lack of knowledge available in the field, why do you think society turned a blind eye to the realities of trauma (especially for the veteran population)?

"Now," he whispered, "I deliver death."
That is where I broke, the preceding battle, culminating in this cliffhanger, wore me down. I am a binger by heart and habit, and despite spending the last year or so practicing portion control (of all kinds) dutifully reading slowly, able to experience multiple works and to read them more deeply for the pacing, I decided to indulge this once. IDK If I'll do so again, but for just this once, follow this first-timer's unjaded eyes through their breathless, awe-stricken, confused sprint across the last ninety pages of this book. Without further ado...

Epigraph

An excerpt from Faces of Darujhistan written by Maskral Jemre. The gods of Darujhistan and their faces will play extensive roles symbolically throughout the impending climax. It briefly describes the ceremonies we'll see in passing through various characters, and there's something haunting about receiving a glimpse of how the festivities ought to go and what it is that they mean.
Also, if this is the passing of winter to spring, where is Gennebakis, exactly? If the top of the continent is tundra, then Darujhistan would be much further south, (which we know) so somewhere similar to North America? Is Darujhistan in Texas?

Chapter 20

The chapter that broke me, one near unbearable buildup of pressure before the dam breaks. Here, it all begins to unfold.

Epigraph

An excerpt of T'Matha's Children by Heboric. It mentions the "the matron's//blood like ice" This feels like an allusion to the goddess of Darkness, with the Tiste Andii being cold, and all. Beyond that, it "brought light into dark and dark into light" so given the alleged history between Light and Dark, that works. Was this perhaps the creation of the Warren of Shadow? In which case, the "children of chaos" would be... the Hounds? Who knows!

The Chapter Itself

Murillio is off to confront Kruppe, musing on the turning of the Cycle of the Age. The Year of the Five Tusks, which we've been constantly reminded it is, is now giving way to the Year of the Moon's Tears. The names bear significance according to the Seers, with the god Tennerock's tusks, Hate, Love, Laughter, War, and Tears, signifying the nature of the coming Years. The device was a gift by some guy named Icarium, whom Mammot believes to be of Jaghut blood. Evidently, the Jaghut were skilled in mechanical prowess and possibly gifted enough to predict a thousand years ahead. Moon's Spawn has arrived, after all.
He collides with Kruppe, who drops a series of masks. The rotund mage informs his dear friend that his other ear friend, Lady Simtal, has invited him to attend the Fête. That they've never met is ironic, but irrelevant to Magnanimous Kruppe, friend to all. This whole interaction is fantastic, with Kruppe dropping many distractions, such as his mentioning five strangers without naming the fourth, or a series of cantrips, while Murillio dodges them as best he can. He confronts Kruppe point blank about being Lady Simtal disguised the Eel. Kruppe sighs, and modifies the courtier's memory, buying himself free reign for the night.
As Baruk waits for the Eel, he discusses attending the fête with Anomander Rake, who as elected to attend as the High Alchemist's +1. Many members of the Council and the T'orrud Cabal will be in attendance, and Rake wants an opportunity to meet/observe his allies. It'll also put him in the epicenter of the most likely place of Convergence on Genabakis. Rake learns of the new year's title, and correctly guesses Icarium's involvement, as he's evidently produced similar wheels elsewhere. This has quite a few implications, given that this person is evidently traveling with at least one god. They receive news that the Eel will reveal himself to them that night, (although Baruk as much as gives away that he's guessed the truth) as well as Mammot's recovery. The High Preist of D'Riss was able to get away with minimal difficulty and casually mentions that he's aware of the drama surrounding the Coin Bearer. He is also a member of the T'orrud Babal. Rake, asks whether Mammot will be attending the Fête, and then leaves abruptly. If only Baruk had read further into the odd departure.
Adjunct Lorn finally arrives at Worry Gate, witnessing the ritual mentioned in the Book's opening epigraph and being briefly noted by a guard. That guard is Circle Breaker, watching for the Adjunct for the Eel. Once done, he manages to trade a shift to be at the Fête himself. Interestingly, he tells the guard next to him his name, which we do not ever get to know (at least not in GotM)
Lorn enters a bar, and stumbles upon the Bridgeburners. Fiddler is running one of his games, which we get to see more fully here. The game is played with a Deck and depicts the scene in the Gadrobi Hills where Paran met Rake. Tattersail did believe the Sapper to be a Tallent, after all. The game ends predicting Lorn's death, this reading is affirmed by the orb. Whiskeyjack arrives and catches up Lorn with a modified version of events, including their loss of Sorry. Lorn comes to the realization that this man had debated tactics with Dassem Ultor, so there's not much she can do to break him. She asks the name of the estate and announces she will return in two hours, without dropping anything off.
Crokus and Apsalar watch the revelry escalate down below them. They discuss their plans for the evening, the thief growing ever more conflicted about his feelings. Apsalar mentions something within her holding her sanity together. It seems Rigga remains at work. Serrat, meanwhile, creeps up the steps below, comically over-warded and utilizing an abundance of caution. She's immediately thwarted by a mysterious someone, threatening with enough force on behalf of "the Prince" to drop the hunt against the Coin Bearer, with a comical pop, she disappears.
In an age of wind and barren stone, a Jaghut and his mother wander the land, scattered as all their people, thwarting the potential of collected power. A self-imposed Babel, of sorts. The child, young by Jaghut standards, grows observing the powers of the winds shape and mould the earth to their liking. He takes after this, destroying his horrified mother in the process. He starts with lone Jaghut, but they resist or else escape him, brief satisfaction, but not enough. He takes to subjugating the beasts, the winds, the earth, the plants. The earth resists and bucks the subversion of its evolved order, yet not without the death of countless species. Then he meets the Imass, thinking creatures like the Jaghut, yet comically short-lived. These he can use, confounding them in cycles of invention, war, loss, discovery, rediscovery, rediscovery, rediscovery. They invent for themselves a god at the head of all things, and he fancies it to be himself, they discover tyranny of all forms for themselves, and he laughs. A True First Empire, a gathering of minds subjugated under an unbreakable bond. Tool's history proves backward. Then come the Jaghut, unified under a force so great that it tears through even this great Tyrant like paper, and Raest was subjugated, killed, and depowered. A barrow erected, a hemisphere frozen over for good measure. In the intervening years, the T'Lan Imass gather power of their own and wage genocide against the very Titans who were their salvation. Two enter the barrow, the threadbare mind of the once-god coalesces, he is freed, his Finnest stolen. With a concussive force, Raest, the First Emperor of Man, Jaghut Tyrant, steps into a new world.
High above, the Crone watches him emerge as four Black Soultaken Dragons and the Red Dragon Silanah, fly in to stop the monster. We get some old language of some sort, possibly Jaghut? "Dragnipurake" is of course the name of the Sword plus the suffix -Rake, "Draconiaes" seems to refer to, well, dragons, "t'na" is a conjunction of some sort? And finally, Eleint, which is whatever the Dramatis Personae names Silanah. Crone flies high, ready to watch the show unfold.
Raest emerges, and casually injures Burn on his way out, nuking a range of hills in the process. He considers waking her as well. This is a walking apocalyptic event, and our dear Anomander opted to join a party. He notices the dragons, and Holy Moly the fight that ensues is great. I'd mention highlights but that'd just be a beat-by-beat. He offers the Soletaken Tiste Andii to join him, but they refuse. Also of note, he calls Silanah a "Tiem." He rebuffs their initial assault and, telekinetically holding his body together, prepares to deliver death.

Chapter 21

A Chapter in two halves, beginning with our principal cast all filling into their positions for the climax, making last-minute pivots and discoveries. It ends with the fulfillment of the revenge plot against Lady Simtal and Turban Orr, and what a fulfillment it is! If only we don't feel so hollow afterwards.

Epigraph

An excerpt of Anomandris which is, interestingly enough, written by Fisher, the Rumor Born guy. Also, this is like the first bit of Anomandris we've seen since Tattersail and Calot tag-teamed a quotation in Ch. 2 (which also mentions it was written by Fisher, lol) and seems to recount the initial arrival of the dragons. First contact between the dragons and Tiste Andii? Who knows! (Actually, quite a few people probably know at this point)

The Chapter Itself

Lorn buries the Finnest in the garden at Simtal's estate. She observes the bustling crowds and almost breaks down at the sight. So much life reminds her of the many cities she's infiltrated before. The recollection of humanity becomes a cacophony, no one life worth any more than the millions around them. The Adjunct breaks at this, and Lorn has to will herself to don the persona again, with Sorry out of the picture, only the Coin Bearer remains. With her last chance to bail out behind her, the Adjunct begins moving towards her failure and death, foretold with certainty by the unwitting Tallent of Fiddler.
Meanwhile, in the Phoenix Inn, the Eel contemplates his next moves, whilst failing to button his coat. He decides that it is time for Circle Breaker to retire, for his own safety. He suspects that someone other than himself has been protecting the Coin Bearer, while the path to ultimate safety for the boy remains elusive. Most concerningly, the patterns in his head end tonight, the outcome of this Convergence is undecided.
Crokus and Apsalar, meanwhile, leave the Temple for the Fête. To the northeast, a "storm" of low rumbling thunder and ochre clouds builds and grows ever closer. As the thief is led down from the tower by Aps, he has another internal crisis. He really doesn't know Challice, and Apsalar's constant ease within his presence is confounding. Dude, she literally took a name axiomatically aligned with your life, take a hint.
The Captain of Simtal's guards berates the Bridgeburnurs for not all being Barghast, but agrees to pay them anyways. He stations them near the garden, as it's recently gotten a bit overgrown, and instructs them to steer the crowds away. Quick Ben and Mallet update Whiskeyjack on the encroaching Tyrant, and they agree to play things by ear if the monster gets any nearer.
Kalam and Paran leave the Phoenix Inn, not after the assassin makes a major threat to Scurve to, by any means necessary contact the city's Master of Assasins with their offer. They leave to find the Adjunct and put her to rest. Kalam takes note of the Greyfaces and begins to be bothered by their movements, for some reason.
Baruk arrives with Rake at the Fête. Despite the encroaching threat, the Tiste Andii seems unbothered, relaxed even. Turban Orr watches the two arrive with Lady Simtal. The Alchemist's mask is barely sufficient. Both a denial and an admission of secret power, depending on the viewer. Rake's mask is of a smug black and silver dragon. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Anomander Rake is That Guy. Still love him, though. The Councilman introduces himself and is introduced in turn to Lord Anomander Rake. The scene plays out humorously, with Orr unaware of how wildly out of his league he is, but does contain one odd detail. Rake, despite running Moon's Spawn, considers his title to be honorary, given by his people. Murillio and Rallick, begrudgingly aware of Kruppe's perfect mask choices, watch the High Alchemist and the Councilman converse, then nearly have an aneurysm over Kruppe (whom they were just praising) and his shenanigans. Kruppe, wearing the mask of a cherub slightly less innocent than himself (although not nearly so clever) bumbles his way toward Baruk and Rake, the latter of whom displays incredulity over this possibly being the Eel. Wise and discerning Kruppe the First notes Rake's nature as an inhuman Lord from high above, and a dragon. Of course, this is all a misunderstanding, and he apologizes, betrays himself as an eel of sorts, and leaves to inspect the kitchen.
Turban Orr, meanwhile, finds himself unable to enjoy the party. The last two weeks have exhausted him, all his plans confounded, and his spy still unfound. He, at last, discovers Circle Breaker, in a chance passing, but is intercepted by a man in a Trake mask. The man practically insists on insulting the Councilman, and Orr, his temper ratcheted up by the past several days, decides to indulge his wrath on this peon. Orr calls for a duel, politically selecting Councilman D'Arle as his second. Meanwhile, Murillio draws deep on his well of suave and seduces Simtal in record time. The duel will go uninterrupted. Down by the terrace, Baruk contemplates interceeding, but declines. Curiously, he considers Rallick his closest friend, explaining the Otataral gift, but it is a shame we never go to see the two interact, there's a story there. Rake offers to be RN's second, and my hype has hit yet another threshold. Here is where I leave my desk for a mandated break, I'm not the sort of person who eats and reads, so I'm mentally cussing the entire way there and back. Baruk meets Mammot on his way to the duel and notes the scholar's accurate Jaghut mask; although Mammot recognizes minute flaws in the design, Baruk thinks nothing of this. Stranger still, despite Oppon's luck drawing Crokus to the party, it is also keeping him away from his uncle.
The Bridgeburners watch everyone filter out into the courtyard by the garden, watching the preparations for the duel. Though they notice Rake, this doesn't amount to much. Quick Ben updates the group on their timetable with the Tyrant, and they make preparations to blast the estate then the city.
Crokus finds Challice; without a method of reaching her at the moment he is distracted by the duel. Kruppe, finds the boy and nabs him while passing a note off to Circle Breaker. The note grants Circle Breaker the right to retire, as well as land and a title in the city of Dhavran (the map shows this to be along the western bank of Lake Azur) as thanks for being the Eel's most trusted servant. The circle is mended (whatever that means, there seems to be a story there) and he can at last rest. Despite everything going down in this and subsequent chapters, this storyline had me by far the most hyped. Good job man, you've earned it.
Baruk offers to referee, and the participants take their places. Turban Orr's grandstanding, and the seconds' lack of comments each take as much time as the fight itself. As everyone notes, this is not a duel, but a public murder. That Anomander Rake decides to get publicly entangled in the proceedings not to comment or contribute at all, but just to watch this fool get merc'd, strikes me as darkly funny. Orr is dead and as Rallick quietly gloats to the corpse, the scandal is broached, and the hostess is nowhere to be found. A large woman in a green dress approaches Baruk and Rake, introduced as the Witch Derudan, another member of the Cabal. Also, she has a personal servant to carry a hookah with her at all times. They leave Rake's presence to discuss some matters.
Simtal, meanwhile, finally arrises from her 30 minutes with Murillio, becoming aware of some great disturbance downstairs. She begins dressing and is interrupted by Rallick Nom entering the room. Rallick stays only long enough to convey his purpose and her situation. It is Murillio who stays a moment to watch the woman process what has become of her. Years of machinations and backroom (or perhaps, bedroom) deals all hinging on the continued support of those around her. With no one, the vultures and enemies she's made will come, likely they've already begun. Murillio leaves a dagger and grants her the privacy to escape the coming storm.
Lady Simtal, you deserved this but that doesn't make what was done to you right. What business does justice have with cruelty? Swearing by the Lady of Beggers, Murillio comes to the crashing realization of what this night has cost his soul. Coll is reinstated, yes, but at incalculable cost to his dearest friends.
Crokus, meanwhile, finally gets the opportunity to peel away from Kruppe and approach Challice, after getting the girls attention, she runs over to him, overjoyed to finally have a moment alone with...Gorlas. Panicking, Crokus does the sane thing and kidnaps her, because that'll make this run smoother, y'kow?
At the first opportunity, Circle Breaker sneaks out of the estate and into the night a free man. Passing a food-comatose Kruppe, he leaves smiling, awed by his own escape.

Chapter 22

A major action climax for a few plotlines, with a resolution I've vacillated between sour and sweet on, currently resting at sweet as I've processed things.

Epigraph

A poem titled Ravens by Collitt. Acknowledging the Great Ravens as a sign of disaster, the poet fears and reveres them. Politically, this is one of my favorites thus far. Also, I love the connection between the Great Ravens and, well, normal ravens. Ravens are carrion feeders, who gather at signs of battle. Sapient Great Ravens gather at the signs of great events and cataclysmic battles, searching for "interesting" events. That's just a really fun connection.

The Chapter Itself

Two of the Soultaken driven from battle, Raest prepares for his final thrust. The Gadrobi Hills are devastated, sundered by his travels and battle. He's killed a few odd creatures along his path as well, who we recognize as the garrison that helped Coll and Paran, as well as Councilman Orr's messenger to Pale. Cresting a hill, he is briefly in awe of Darujhistan, then offers Silanah one last opportunity to retreat. She makes no reply, nor is she even prepared for battle. Raest steps forward, away from Genebakis and into another time, within the dreams of a great, pudgy mage.
Despite his best attempts, Raest can do nothing to kill the creature, introducing itself as Kruppe. He informs the Tyrant that he bows to no one, Tyrant or god; in the face of such indifference, there is nothing Raest can do. Beset by a T'lan Imass from behind; despite his best efforts, Onos T'oolan cannot be bound by the Jaghut, as our dear Tool is called by an ancient call of a Bonecaster, Pran Chole's. Befuddled by such impotence on his part, Raest is befuddled further still by the appearance of another interloper, K'Rul. He initially mistakes him for Hood (which greatly alters my estimation of the god's lifespan) although he only refers to him as the Death Wanderer, as opposed to the god of Death. K'Rul warns Raest of the arrival of Anomander Rake and the new form of death he brings with him. Raest scoffs at this initially, but K'Rul makes a fascinating revelation. The flow of power between the gods and mortals has shifted, though of it the mortals are ignorant. I suppose when you have mages mastering domains and relics capable of drawing the gods who wield them, it makes sense. Anything less than omnipotence can be overmastered. K'Rul also repeats his Maker of Paths title and reveals his aspect "was the Obelisk." So he's Burn's predecessor and not Hood's. Given Burn's Sleep began nearly 1200 years ago, that gives us a roughly 800-year window for the shift, given Darujhistan's founding, whatever Crokus may say. This whole sequence is filled with even more magic technobable, but I'll move on. Title of Sword? Moved to the Realms of Chaos, K'Rul's birthplace? I'll figure it out eventually. With a hollow laugh, Raest collapses into dust, his spirit invading a new body.
Kalam and Paran creep into Simtal's garden, finding there a young woman, along with a curious structure. The woman turns out to be Sorry, yet not Sorry. Kalam prevents the Captain from killing her outright, instead ascertaining that she has no memory or deeply incomplete memories of her time in the Bridgeburners. Kalam's reaction to being called a friend is priceless. They observe the structure, a tree stump that is somehow growing from moment to moment, frustrating the eyes as it does. At this moment, one is reminded of the acorn and the Finnest. Paran leaves to fetch Mallet, wondering if the healer could aid the girl.
Rallick, gripped with a malaise he cannot account for, stumbles to leave the party. What if Coll doesn't take his old Lordship back? Would what he's done be justified even if he does? As a reader, I have to wonder, how much of the blame lies on Oppon, and how much on RN himself? Interrupting his musings, he stumbles across a disgruntled and awake Kruppe. The mage is worried, although trusts K'Rul's words that the world as it is now would be enough to put down Raest. The assassin leaves Kruppe behind and is approached by a woman in a featureless mask, who circuitously reveals herself to be Vorcan. She mentions Councilman Orr possessed protective magics that Rallick somehow trivialized. For that reason, she requires his services now. One last note on their conversation here, that RN was fine submitting to punishment helps show how defeated he is, now that his slavish devotion to the plan justifying his own humanity is over with. Defending someone else's humanity cannot serve as a substitute for your own, Rallick, and I feel you know this now.
Crokus, meanwhile, is totally bungling his attempts to speak with Challice. Promising not to hurt her, after a slew of threats, of course, he lets her speak. She reveals that she never betrayed him and that they'd always known the Rope was behind the guard's death. Horrified, Crokus reels from the revelation, wondering what exactly is going on. Chalice restates her love for Gorlas (or more tellingly, his station and his love for her) and her desire to have nothing to do with Younghand's cloak-and-dagger shenanigans. She slips up at the end, patronizing him briefly, and Crokus (more than a little hypocritically) accuses her of romanticizing the dangers of the real world. They part on the worst possible terms.
Mallet, for his part, refuses to enter the garden. Recognizing the power within and its hunger, he demands Paran bring Sorry to him. She heads to the healer smilingly, and Kalam expresses regret that she hadn't smiled before. Mallet discovers Rigga's presence within the girl, torn whether to help what little remains of the Wax Witch to integrate Sorry's history into Apsalar's consciousness safely. Paran advises the healer to trust it. Rallick, Vorcan, and Crokus all enter the glade, the latter staying hidden. Paran meets them as they discuss the stump, with Vorcan asking Rallick to sit on it and dampen its growth. It's here that Rallick just outright admits to knowing the substance he'd used was Otataral dust, rendering my whole Eureka moment a bit... moot. Also, Rallick knew what it was the whole time?! Why play coy with something you'll eventually give to us outright, Erikson? It's either a mystery or not. There have been a handful of moments like this, where a mystery will be teased and then casually solved. It - I - uh, whatever I guess. That's only the second most infuriating reveal in this chapter anyway.
Kalam offers Vorcan 900k golden doubloons jakatas and a High Fist position to kill off the T'orrud Cabal. Paran assures her that Malazan can scare off the Son of Darkness, having done so twice before. Vorcan personally accepts the contract and after charging Rallick with sitting on the stump until a better solution can be reached, leaves to prepare for the grim task. After everyone leaves, Rallick invites Crokus out of the glade and charges the boy with warning Mammot and Baruk of their impending danger. At that moment, something occurs outside of the garden, and the stump grows past Rallick's ability to contain it.
Sensing the disturbance at the Fête, Baruk laments leaving so early. Rake assures him the situation is under control, but stops himself from revealing one other piece of information, his eyes betraying a quiet sadness. He then offers to help clear the streets for something else coming, using Dragnipur to clear a passage to K'Rul's Belfry after warning Baruk of Malazan's impending assassination attempt.
At the Fête, Raest arives. Subsuming the mind of Mammot, whom he'd imprinted upon while waking, he launches an assault upon the partygoers. Quick Ben manages to save Derudan in the initial volley, which tears through the estate in a series of propagating bolts of power. Whiskeyjack's leg is crushed under a pillar, down for the count, and Captain Paran appears to be instantly vaporized in the initial assault. Derudan and QB launch twin assaults on Raest, quickly draining the Witch.
Here we have what is likely the most vexing scene in the entire book. Or, perhaps, the start of several compoundingly vexing scenes. Paran drops into what seems to be yet another warren, a swamp of sorts, within which a T'lan Imass (likely Tool) and a wooden approximation of a Jaghut fight. Behind the Captain, a house grows out of the swamp. The Imass warns Paran that something called an Azath is not yet ready to contain the animate Finnest. Paran resolves to hold the Finnest until the Azath is made ready. Launching a blast against Paran's very soul, the Finnest circumvents even Chance, or perhaps the blade has at last betrayed him. The Finnest demands total submission, but Paran refuses. Within him, the... Blood of a Hound? wells up, refusing to be subdued. Did the souls of the Hounds follow Paran back out of Dragnipur? That was roughly when Paran's whole "no one's gonna control me" arc began in full. Anyway, Perrin Paran throws himself against the Finnest, tearing into it with fists, claws, and teeth, holding it down until he is shaken out of his blood fury. The Azath is finished and draws the Finnest below the mud. Paran is shunted out of the Warren into the material plane.
Noting Paran's return, Quick Ben assaults the Tyrant with everything he has, opening SEVEN Warrens within himself. A feat that is later noted to be theoretically impossible. He burns through the monster, reducing it to an animate, humanoid totem of ash. Raest retaliates, forcibly closing QB's Warrens one after another. QB is about to give up, before noticing Hedge, off to the side, a pyromanic grin on his face, Ben dives, covering Derudan and his ears. The sapper fires, blasting Mammot's body to smithereens. Paran runs off to inform WJ as QB notices something coalescing in the bottom of Hedge's crater.
It is then that the Azath drags the remaining spirit of Raest kicking and screaming into the garden. So, it turns out Azaths are a known force in this world, but I'll get to that later. I will note its appearance is a surprise to everybody. Was it the acorn? But if the Jaghut could seal the Finnest in an Azath, why not just go all the way? Many questions and few answers. Derudan leaves, and Fiddler and Hedge are sent off to blast the city. Kalam then finally realizes the potential danger of not only blowing up the City of Blue Fire, but of doing so at major infrastructure hubs. Took y'all long enough.

Chapter 23

A resolution to all but one of our action climaxes, and a final unveiling of several long-standing plans. We're solidly in the endgame now, and somehow only speeding up.

Epigraph

After a long hiatus, we receive another excerpt of Call to Shadow, this one seemingly referring to Simtal's suicide. Given that the author is apparently Paran's sister, the nature of the work is becoming clearer, this is a recounting of the events here in Darujhistan. I'm a bit unclear as to why its specifically attributed to Shadow, aside from Shadow's interference being the inciting incident to all this mess. Perhaps that's sufficient, however. What we can tell from this is that Paran eventually meets with Fellisin again, despite his status as a traitor. So while we can't tell whether or not this will all have a happy ending, we can tell the Paran siblings will make it that far at least.

The Chapter Itself

Paran, running through the undergrowth, is drawn into yet another Warren, ambushed by Rood. After nearly tearing the Captain apart, the Hound relents, confused by a sense of kinship. Cotilion appears, complaining that the Captain should interfere with House Shadows, especially given his growing enmity with the Empress. Even still, Cotillion will try again, correcting for the flaws of the initial plan. He considers his treatment of Sorry merciful, insofar as the necessary evil could be. Paran offers Cotillian Chance, seeing as how his luck has finally turned, and the Rope accepts with the intent to strike back at the Twins. Paran wakes back in the garden and leaves to find the Adjunct.
So, what was Oppon's plan for the captain? His use of Chance infuriated Hairlock and the Hounds, drawing the two together, and evidently claiming the Hounds' souls/blood in the process. Thus, Paran was able to resist the Finnest and buy the Azath time. The only issue was that is the Brother's actions in Dragnipur seemed to be surprised by the whole episode. An act? Beyond that, Paran also played half the role in freeing Sorry, thwarting Shadow's aims at Empire. j
Crokus, traumatized by the sight of Mammot possessed, burned, blown to bits, and claimed by the roots of the Azath, runs to find Baruks home. He (and the audience) can only hope that Mammot himself was released to death before the Azath took the possessed body. Running through the streets of Darujhistan, he finally comes to realize why they've emptied so. Rake has moved Moon's Spawn directly overhead, looming as if to crush the city at any moment.
The Adjunct tails the Coin Bearer, sensing the Jaghut Tyrant's death. Assuming Rake's involvement in the defeat, she releases Tayscheren's Ace in the Hole. A Lord of the Gaylen demons, powerful enough to challenge an ascendant, the intended follow-up in the one-two punch which would finish off Rake or Raest, whoever survived their clash. The Adjunct then tails the Coin Bearer further, considering the woman Lorn dead for good. She does not even consider the Adjunct human, but a tool. Lost entirely in her own justification, the Adjunct carries on.
Baruk mourns Mammot in his study. He's deduced too late that Rake knew all along, choosing to shield Baruk from the anticipation of his possessed friend's impending death. The Witch Derudan arrives, prepared to mourn with him, as an act of love. She informs Baruk of the extraordinary circumstances surrounding Mammot's death, as well as the conjuration of an Azath in Darujhistan. The specific use of the word conjuration implies something caused its appearance, though if not the acorn, I couldn't guess what. They feel the release of the demon lord, as well as two more of the Cabal members at the hand of Vorcan.
Anomander Rake, atop the belfry of K'Rul's temple. Silahnah arrives, but Rake asks she leave, she's done enough for today. K'Rul himself arrives, and the two speak of their misplaced wandering within this world. Rake knows no other life than wandering from battle to battle, yet it does not fulfill him. The elder god, having failed to receive the advice he craves, leaves the Lord to his battle. Rake watches as the Galen arises, and begins changing form. Rake then shapeshifts, rising higher, higher, higher above the city into a Silvermaned Black Dragon, more massive even than Silanah, and dives towards his ignorant prey.
The Adjunct formerly known as Lorn moves to kill the Coin Bearer at last. She's interrupted by, of all people, a member of the Crimson Guard.* Fingers, Sixth Blade of the Crimson Guard, grabs Crokus and escorts him to Baruk's place personally. During their discussion, Crokus at long last learns of his nature as the Coin Bearer, and is advised to lose the item as soon as his luck runs out. It is the CG who have been protecting the boy. After breaking away from Blues, a gravely injured Adjunct runs into Meese and Iralta, who finish her off.
* Upon review, Caladan Brood does commit some Crimson Guard members to protect the Coin Bearrer in Ch. 10 debriefing with Crone, just a bit circumlocutiously. He even names the sixth blade, and Kallor immediately takes it to mean they're interfering with Rake.
Paran comes across the Adjunct, injured beyond saving, or at least, dying faster than a healer can be acquired. She laments her ironic, inglorious death, and barely has time to marvel over Paran's return from the dead. The two share a moment of cold sympathy before her end. Paran claims the Otataral blade for himself. The Twins appear before him, begging for protection from Shadowthrone. Paran tells them off, and quietly picks up the Adjunct, returning to the Phoenix Inn.

Chapter 24

The breathless end of it all, flowing almost immediately into subsequent adventures. Anything I'm not fully satisfied with is at least spoken to, promising further resolution or explanation later.

Epigraph

An excerpt of a poem titled Azath by Adaephon. Written as if narrated by the titular entity, the poem speaks a bit about their purpose. Both a lure and a prison to the power-crazed, an endless prison in a world where death is trivialized to the powerful. It is interesting how much of a known entity these are, despite us not hearing about them until well after its arrival, and that no one (outside of possibly Rake) considered the Convergence would produce one. Ah, well.

The Chapter Itself

Crokus cannot enter Baruk's compound, being frustrated by the High Alchemist's wards. Fortunately, he has one last bit of luck. The Demon Lord crashes to the ground, slammed by Rake's assault from above. The crash shatters the gate and any potential wards. Both dragons shift back to their base forms, and the Galayn taunts Rake. Crokus feels someone walk up behind him, and the Lord of Moon's Spawn asks that Crokus flees. He notes that he is speaking with the Coin Bearer, but Brood's "request" and the impending fight save the lad. Rake and the Demon Lord fight, sword to axe, and while the contest isn't quite the spectacle of Raest soloing five dragons, its pretty great. We even get a bit of lore out of it. It seems indeed that some version of the story Tool told Lorn was true, Dark birthed Light, but then light was corrupted. Demons being corrupted denizens of Light is, well, exactly on brand, so that tracks. Crokus watches in horror as the Galayn Lord is subsumed into the black blade. AR then turns with exhaustion to the lad, and asks him to warn Baruk of the impending danger.
Baruk and Derudan have set up a magical barrier, but Baruk hesitates to enter it. His hesitation buys him nothing, however, as Vorcan attacks just as the ward is shattered outside. She is forced back by a Tiste Andii assassin, Serrat, who is stabbed by the Master of Assassins. Derudan is similarly stuck down, minutely to slow to take advantage of the distraction. Baruk, fleeing, runs to the door, in which is Crokus, who is able to (luckily) land two near impossible blows against Vorcan, by way of thrown bricks. She flees, and Baruk gets up, moving to save the injured. Serrat has passed, but Baruk reveals that he is able to save Darudan by curing the white paralt in her system.* They mourn Mammot, and then the young thief leaves to find Apsalar.
*Which is also just named outright as a spider, but this one annoys me far less than the Otataral thing.
I'll skip a scene breifly to maintain momentum, but it works in the chapter as is.
Rallick watches the stump, now a house, contemplating the capture he saw earlier. He is experiencing an unaccountable euphoria, believing the house to be "right, and just." Vorcan arrives, begging Rallick to protect her, before fainting. He picks her up, and with no better ideas, runs headlong into the cognitohzardous house, disappearing to we know not where. I suspect we haven't seen the last of either Rallick Nom or Vorcan, but that is the last we see of either this book. Korlat, a Tiste Andii assassin and sister to Serrat, enters the glade. She regards the Azath edielmarn or "Pillar of Innocence" and decides against the pursuit further. To continue the hunt would be to destroy the Azath, and its youthful innocence. In this, Korlat takes after the Queen of Darkness, who defended Light when it too was youthful and innocent. Oddly, in this, Korlat morally succeeds where Rallick failed. We learn that other objects such as this exist, such as the Deadhouse in Malaz city, where Kellanved and Dancer evidently walked through its... Gates. So we know people can leave these things, giving some hope for Rallick an Vorcan's return. Also, considering the heights to which the two Ascended after entering, first through Empire then godhood, R and V may have a long road ahead of them. Who knows? as my cheaky pun earlier hinted, I'm aware of the next book's title, so we may be seeing them soon.
Back at the Phoenix Inn, Whiskeyjack contacts Dujek to update him as to the nights proceedings. Tayscheren is in a coma after what happened to the Galayn Lord, and WJ states that they'll not be taking the city, for fear of detonating the natural gas caverns beneath. This is of course, a problem. The what's left of the 2nd is loosing Pale, Caladan Brood has marched south as Dujek guessed, and brought two other armies besides with him, beyond this, Laseen has outlawed Dujek himself, as Seven Cities is to close to rebellion for him to be useful in saving it in time. The Empire has now severed its last link to the Old Guard as a result.
The Black Moranth stand with Onearm, and will pick up the Bridgeburners once they're out of the city. WJ is made Dujek's second, and Paran is placed in charge of the BBs. Hopefuly, Brood knows enough about the Pannion Seer to accept Dujek's force's continued existence. Though they're free to walk, all of WJ's squad resolves to stay with the rebels, with two slight exeptions. Kalam and Fiddler have decided to leave with Apsalar, whom they're taking home; they commit to return once that is over with. WJ notices Coll is awake, but the Lord only offers them passage out of the city in gratefulness.
The main text of the novel ends with Kruppe, Murillio, and Crokus walking towards the Phoenix Inn. Kruppe assuages Crokus's worries by reassuring him that he knows Apsalar's location, and shrugs off concerns over Rallick, speaking more to the man's likely safety. We find out Challice was saved by Gorlas, tying off that loose end, and begins to regale them with the tale of how Darujistan was saved and Coll was reinstated, with his heroic aid, of course.

Book 7: The Fête

An excellent climax all around, pulling out every stop. While the initial experience was a bit jarring, with all the revelations, I am satisfied as I've let it sit. On the whole, I probably prefer a slower reading pace, but once I committed to finishing the whole thing, I was fine riding it out.
I'm straining against Reddit's 40k charachter limit, so I'll give my thoughts on the Epilogue, a deeper dive into the side materials, as well as thoughts on the novel as a whole soon.